The Lies We Tell Ourselves (Without Limits #1)

Chapter 1

CHAPTER

ONE

JAMIE

D ark fathomless eyes bored into mine, searching for any sign of hesitation, but they’d find none. I wanted this. I wanted him more than I could even say. This was the stuff dreams were made of—well, at least my dreams. He’d promised me I could have anything I wanted for my birthday, and my one wish was for my first kiss. A wish he was seconds away from granting.

Large calloused hands cupped my face, sending pulses of electricity across my skin as my heart pounded against my chest like it could burst its way right out of me. He licked his lips as his thumb brushed my bottom one before teasing it into my mouth. I took a shuddering breath as his taste burst across my tongue.

“You ready?”

“I’ve never been more ready in my life!” My words tumbled out of me as anticipation built inside me, lighting me up like a Fourth of July display. “Don’t keep me waiting,” I whined, my lip pushing out into a pout that made him chuckle.

“Fuck! You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this.” His words were soft like molasses as he closed the distance between us until I could feel his every exhale on my lips. Dillon cupped my jaw, adjusting the angle of my head, while his other hand sunk into my wild curls, anchoring me so I couldn’t escape. Not that I ever would. I’d be a damn statue if that meant he’d hurry up and kiss me.

“Dillo—” His lips pushed against mine. I sucked in a gasp, my lips parting on instinct, and I felt the first tentative caress of his tongue against mine. A full-body shudder worked its way through me, causing him to chuckle into my mouth. “Shut up,” I groaned as he took control of my mouth and mind as my body surrendered to him. I shuffled forward until I was straddling him, locking my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

“Mom! Mom!” I shouted as I pushed open the screen door and tumbled into the kitchen. “I kissed him. He kissed me. Mom!”

She stood at the counter chopping up carrots for dinner and looked over her shoulder. “That good, was it?”

“You have know idea!” I practically squealed as I pulled out a chair at the table and slumped down onto it, not sure my shaking legs could hold me up any longer.

“Sure, I don’t.” She winked at me before her eyes were back on what she was chopping.

“Do you think he’d be my boyfriend?” I asked, tracing the grain of the wooden table top with my fingertip.

“I’m sure ? —”

“I didn’t raise no faggot.” Dad’s voice boomed behind me, making me jump in my seat and my spine straightened all at once.

“Larry—”

“Don’t fucking ‘Larry’ me, you stupid bitch.” His growled words slurred together as he stormed across the floor and backhanded me so hard I fell to the floor. My cheek burned like boiling water had been poured on it.

“He’s just—” Mom’s words were cut off by a howling cry as Dad wrenched her head backward by her hair. The golden strands fell to the floor, glimmering like fallen stars. I crawled out from under the table just as he kicked her legs out from underneath her, and she fell to the floor. The knife she had been holding clattered to the ground by his feet, the razor-sharp edge gleaming in the beam of sunlight.

“Run, baby. Run!” Mom screamed as the sound of breaking bones echoed around me, and the walls started to close in.

“Jamie! You better be up! We’ve got to be on the road in a couple of hours,” Aunt Clara yelled from the bottom of the stairs, freeing me from my perpetual nightmare. No matter how many times I was pulled into it, there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.

“I’m up,” I muttered, even though she couldn’t hear me and threw the blankets over my head. I wrapped my arms around my pillow, buried my face in it, and prayed I’d be dragged back into a dreamless sleep, because this exhaustion was kicking my ass.

Bang, bang, bang. “Jamie, don’t tell Mama lies. I know you’re not up yet,” my cousin Jessie shouted as she thumped on my door. I love her, I do. I really do. But ugh, I’d hardly gotten a wink of sleep last night, and all I wanted to do was hide away from the world today. I spent all night tossing and turning as nerves churned in my gut so badly, I thought I was gonna be sick. “JJ, come onnnn,” she whined as she pushed the door open a crack, letting in a bright beam of sunlight that I could see through the covers.

“Enough, Jessie, I’m coming,” I groaned as I pulled my pillow over my head to block out the burning light.

“No, you’re hidin’,” she sang and jumped on top of me, pulling the covers off my head and batting the pillow away, making me huff. “I know it’s scary, but college is meant to be fun, right?” Her innocence is something I envied, and I’d do everything in my power to protect her and make sure she isn’t tainted by life.

“Yeah, sweet girl, it is, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be scared too, y’know.” I sighed as she wrapped her little arms around my neck and curled herself into me as per our usual morning routine. I was a night owl for all intents and purposes, and she was, well, not. Jessie was a little ray of sunshine who rose at the ass crack of dawn and had apparently made it her life’s mission to make sure I got up with her too. Kill me now!

Looking up at me through her thick dark lashes, her bright amber eyes seemed larger than normal, filled with an emotion I’d never seen in them before. “I’m going to miss you JJ,” she sobbed into the crook of my neck, her words hitting my heart like a battering ram.

“I’ll miss you too, my little sunbeam.” I tugged on a strand of her curly brown hair and watched it bounce back into place as she peered up at me, her eyes filled with tears. “You’ll be able to call me anytime. Aunt Clara says you can.”

“But—”

I placed my finger over her pouty lips, shushing her. “Always, sunbeam.” I kissed the tip of her cherry-red nose and kicked off the covers, blasting us with cold air. “But I need to have a shower and load up the car before breakfast.” As if on cue, her stomach growled, and she let loose a giggle. One that filled me with pure joy—spread a deep-rooted warmth through me—something that had been missing in my life for so long. “Plus, it sounds like we need to feed the monster in your tummy before it tries to eat you.” I wrapped my hands around her waist and hoisted her over me so her little legs kicked in the air, and she threw her arms out to the sides so she could fly. “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s my little sunbeam.”

“JJ, stop!” She squealed, a bright smile lighting up her face that made my heart pinch. “Put me down. Put. Me. Down.”

“No. I don’t want the monster to eat me.” I grinned as she huffed above me, putting her hands on her hips.

“Put me down! I’m hungry and Mama will get angry if I don’t go down for breakfast.” Well played, kid. Well played.

“Then beat it.” I chuckled as I set her down on the floor, and she scampered off, slamming my door shut on her way out.

Heaving out a heavy breath, I kicked my feet out of my bed and sat up with a groan. I rolled my neck and stretched my arms up as I yawned. “Get it together, JJ,” I grumbled to myself as I took in my small room. Well, what had become my room two months ago. Previously, it was Aunt Clara’s writing room, but now the tiny space had become my domain, even though I’d hardly unpacked a single box and still lived out of my suitcase. Trying to resituate myself into a family I’d never known existed until five years ago was hard, and I’d only really gotten to know them over the last two years when… well, when everything irrevocably changed in my life for the second time.

“Enough.” I ground my teeth, grabbed the clothes I laid out last night off the stool by my desk, and wandered down to the bathroom. The exposed wood floor was glacial on the soles of my feet, and the marble tiles in the bathroom were not much better, even though it was meant to be heated. I could only hope that once the shower was running, everything would start to warm up and I’d no longer resemble a vibrating popsicle as shivers racked through my body.

After that first gratifying pee of the morning, I put my clothes beside the towels on the heated towel rail and turned the shower on before finding myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. It was hard on a good day to look at myself, but today, it felt like someone was twisting a dagger in my heart. Everyone always said how much I looked like my mom. That would usually draw a little smile from me, but not today. Today, it made my chest feel tight, and my eyes burned. I had her eyes and her riot of bouncing blond curls, something which I’d come to learn ran in her family. My aunt and cousins had them too, although theirs were a dark black-brown, and mine were almost white blond.

“You can’t change the past, baby. I want you to promise me you will look forward, embracing your future and all you can be. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” She placed her frail hand over my heart, the movement slow and jerky. I could feel the tremors through her touch like the ripples on a still lake. “I’ll always be here with you, cheering you on.”

A sob ripped its way out of my chest as the first tears burned down my cheeks. It should have been us—together—taking me to Briar U today. Instead, it’s my Aunt Clara.

Swiping the tears off my face, I dumped my dirty clothes in the basket and jumped in the shower, allowing myself a few precious moments to wallow in my grief before I washed it all away and locked it up tight. I focused on taking deep calming breaths, Aunt Clara’s voice echoing in my head as I did. “Out with the negative, in with the positive.” It repeated as I watched the water and my pain spiral down the drain, leaving me feeling all kinds of numb.

Today was a new day, a new beginning, and hopefully the first step in the direction I wanted to take my life. Only time would tell, I guess. The world was my oyster—or so they said—but it’s never as easy as all those self-help books would make you believe. It feels almost insurmountable to look forward when so much pulled me back to my past. It had sunk its claws into me and refused to let go. It weighed on me every second of every day. Fear. A fear that made me jump at shadows and a shiver work its way down my spine every time I heard a creepy noise. I shut my brain off and locked it down as I turned the shower off.

I grabbed my towel off the rail, dried myself off, and moisturized before slipping my clothes on. I’d gone for ripped skinny black jeans, worn through by wear and tear rather than design, and a tight-fitting pale-blue cropped top. I added a short-sleeved black button down over the top that had tiny blue applique flowers on it which I buttoned up to the bottom of the top underneath. It was one of my favorite outfits, one that teased the world at who I really was. But the truth was I didn’t know who I was or wanted to be. My head was filled with big dreams and ideas, but I was too scared to embrace them.

I felt it was probably best to try and blend in today—every day—until I found my people or more importantly, myself. I wanted to feel safe and accepted. Apprehension sat in my gut and coiled through my body. I didn’t know if I would ever reach that point, but I owed it to Mom to try. Nothing could deter me from brightening my face up with a bit of concealer under my eyes to hide the dark circles that aged me, or from adding a touch of highlighter and blush on my cheek bones. I would conform, but still be me. Just a little less today. Soon, I would be free to be myself and embrace every part of my soul. If only I could find a way to make that happen.

I dried my hair off with the smaller towel, then grabbed my mousse and flicked my head upside down so I could work the product through it, scrunching it in my hands before giving it a quick blow over with the dryer. I cast one last look at myself in the fogged up mirror and gave myself a wan smile and a nod. “You’ve got this, baby.” Mom’s voice echoed in my head, and warmth suffused through my veins as pride radiated from her words. “ Go get them and make me proud by showing the world just how wonderful you are.”

For the first time in years, I looked at myself without drowning in revulsion. My curls were tightly coiled and hanging just below my jaw, glistening like they were crafted in the light that streamed through the fogged-up window. My pale blue eyes were ringed in a gray so dark it looked black, and brought a pang of grief to my heart but also a feeling of home. I looked so much like her. Even though it cut so deeply to see the features that reminded me so much of her and everything I’d lost, today they buoyed me and gave me comfort. She may not be with me, but as long as I drew breath, she would live on through me.

Clearing my throat, I pulled a wavering smile to my lips. “I love you, Mom. Always have. Always will.” I brought my fingers to my lips and blew a kiss at my reflection. I could see her beautiful face, white-blonde curls blowing in the wind as she smiled back, pools of bottomless love glittering in her eyes.

Back in my room, I pulled on my boho-style black high tops and shucked on my gray zip-up hoodie before grabbing the first of my boxes and loading them into the car. It took me about thirty minutes to get everything moved and packed up from my room. I swear Aunt Clara was tormenting me with the delicious scents that wafted out of the kitchen every time I passed. My stomach was a rumbling mess, but I couldn’t tell if I wanted to eat something or if I was gonna throw up before I could take a bite.

The sound of happy voices filtered through the house as I shut the front door and took a seat at the breakfast bar in between my cousins Zack and Jessie, who were already stuffing their faces with pancakes, eggs, and bacon all drowned in maple syrup. It smelled like heaven but was a heart attack waiting to happen. They—we—were young and today was a celebration of sorts, so I supposed it was alright.

“Is there any left for me?” Aunt Clara chuckled as she pushed a plate across the counter to me. It looked and smelt amazing, but my stomach chose that moment to revolt as it tried to make its way up my throat as nerves simmered in my gut.

“Drink this, JJ.” Aunt Clara’s warm honey-brown eyes regarded me with understanding. “It’s a big day, but you’ve got nothing to worry about, kid, you’ll see.” I huffed out a breath and downed the drink she’d given me. I felt every one of those little bubbles pop as I swallowed them down with a grimace. “It’ll help settle your nerves and your stomach.” I looked at her in disbelief as I grabbed the orange juice and a fresh glass, filling it to the top. I gulped it down as fast I possibly could to get rid of the aftertaste of whatever that mixture was.

“If you say so.” I grunted, stuffing my face with a forkful of pancake and bacon to stop myself from telling her just how vile it was.

“My own special recipe,” she said with a twinkle in her eye and squeezed my shoulder as she headed out the front door to check I’d done a proper job of loading up the car.

“So, mom said we’ll be moving once you’ve left for college,” Zack murmured around a mouthful of food. Nothin’ like watching the kid’s mouth be a garbage disposal to put me off my food.

“And how d’you feel about that?”

“I don’t understand why we have to keep moving.” He sighed and looked out the window, shoulders slumped. “We’ve moved more in the last two years than we ever have and I don’t get it. I’ve only just started to make friends and feel good about school, y’know…” His words trailed off, and a lump of emotion clogged my throat, and my chest tightened. Guilt threatened to drown me, and I wished the ground would swallow me up.

I’ve brought so much change into their lives. It can’t have been easy with all these adjustments they’ve had to make for me—because of me —and if that doesn’t make me feel like the worst cousin in the world, I don’t know what else could. I never asked them to uproot their lives when I met them two years ago, but Aunt Clara is something kinda special. She took Mom and me in with open arms, never hesitating to do what needed to be done. Before then, I’d never really understood the importance of family, because it had been me and Mom against the world. But now, I know family is everything.

“I know it’s not been easy, Zack, it wasn’t for me either.” His dark brown eyes pinged up to mine as if he hung on my every word. “Life isn’t always easy, buddy.” I cuffed him on the shoulder and made his lips twitch. “But sometimes, we’ve just gotta make the best of what we have. Love those who love us harder, hold them a li’l longer, y’know?” He bobbed his head before his eyes dropped to his plate.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, his voice thick as he twizzled his fork between his fingers like a drum stick. “I wish I’d have had more time to get to know Aunt Selene though.” He sighed and sniffed before picking his plate up and dumping it in the sink.

“Yeah, me too,” I mumbled into my glass of orange juice. Spearing the last piece of pancake on my fork, I used it to chase the few remaining drops of maple syrup around my plate when a little hand landed on my arm. My gaze tracked the pattern of Jessie’s top up her arm until I met her questioning gaze, amber eyes burning with a depth of emotion most eight-year-olds couldn’t possess.

“It’s gonna be alright, isn’t it?”

My hand ran through her hair and cupped the back of her head, making sure her full attention was fixed on me. “Yeah, sunbeam, it will be.” I sighed, suddenly feeling a wave of tiredness wash through me. “You’ll see. In the end, everything works out just how it’s meant to.”

“And what if everything isn’t right? What if I’m not happy?” Her bottom lip quivered.

“Then it’s not the end.” I pulled her forward and placed a kiss on her forehead, breathing in her floral scent before exhaling. “But right now, you better get your shoes on and grab your bag or you’ll be late for school.”

“I wish you… I wish I knew you’d be here when I got home tonight,” she grouched as she jumped off her chair and ran to get her stuff just as Aunt Clara’s voice reached my ears.

“Zack, Jessie, get your school stuff and get out here. The bus will be here any minute.” I snickered at the sound of feet thundering above my head as I grabbed their lunches off the counter and brought them to the porch. “Ah, thanks for gettin’ those, Jamie.” Aunt Clara smiled as she took their lunches off my hands.

“No problem.” The bus pulled up a second later and my cousins appeared in front of me as if by magic.

“See ya, JJ. Have a good time, yeah?” Zack pulled me in for a side hug, then bounded down the steps to his mom, took his lunch, and joined his friends at the back of the bus.

“JJ?” came a quiet watery voice.

“I’m here, sunbeam.” I crouched down in front of her and brushed the tears off her face.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I know, sweet girl.” She buried her face into the crook of my neck and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I could feel her sobs as they racked through her body. Knowing she wouldn’t release me anytime soon, I wrapped my arms around her and carried her down the path to meet the bus.

“Come on, Jessie,” Aunt Clara cooed as she rubbed a hand up and down her back. “You gotta get to school, kid.”

“B-but I d-don’t want ‘im to go,” she warbled.

“I know, but we’ll see him soon, so don’t you worry. Okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded into my neck but still wouldn’t let go, and it made my heart ache. I’d never had siblings, and this felt like I was losing a part of my heart all over again.

I crouched down till her feet hit the ground and gently pushed her back by her shoulders. Jessie’s tear-streaked face looked up at me and a million words flowed through my head of what I could say, but none of them would come. I brushed back a wayward curl from her face, and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you for Thanksgiving.” She blinked up at me as she slowly processed the words and nodded. “That’s a promise, sunbeam.” I smiled as much as I could. “So get on that bus and make lots of memories, then you can tell me all about it when I see you next.”

“O-okay, JJ.” She sniffled, kissed my cheek, and bounded onto the bus.