Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
I expect him to take off as soon as the door closes. I wait there, my ear almost flat to the wood, one eye at the peephole. Instead of walking away, he sinks to the floor, out of view.
I can’t bring myself to leave him there.
“Go home, Harrison.”
He hears me, I’m sure of it, but it takes him a while to answer. The pain in my chest begins to sober me up. I have the taste of Harrison running through my veins—I’m an addict, and he’s my drug. If it’s dangled in front of me long enough, I’ll cave.
“No.”
I sigh, too tired to argue. I slide down my side of the door and sit with him. We don’t say anything. He knows I’m here because he knocks softly.
“Go to bed, Julia.”
“I will once you go home.”
We lapse into silence again. Minutes pass. Then hours. I can hear him shifting every so often—enough to know he’s still there. At some point, I realize I’ve been tapping my fingers against the wood, keeping rhythm so he knows I’m still here too.
“I’m sorry, Julia,” he whispers, somewhere deep into the night. “Please. You have to believe me.”
My heart breaks all over again. Why is he doing this? He’s only making it harder—for both of us. I want to open the door, but I don’t. I can’t bring myself to answer.
My phone rings from inside of my purse. I don’t move, terrified that he’ll be gone by the time I get back. The sound dies… before starting again.
It has to be Emma—only she would call at this hour. I want to pick up, want to cry it all out to someone who’ll understand. But I’m stuck in place. I’m holding onto him. His presence on the other side of the door is enough to make me rethink everything.
I close my eyes, and all I can see is that picture. But when I open them, all I can feel is him. I don’t understand why. I’ve made my decision—I should be able to walk away, even if it hurts.
I don’t. I stay. And start to wonder if I’m making a mistake, or if everything about us was always doomed and we’ve been fighting for something that doesn’t have a future.
For the past decade, my life has been hijacked by my worst self. I was so focused on Noah that I forgot to live for myself. Then, all my energy went into building those walls around my heart, and I locked my feelings inside deep within me.
Self-doubt has infected every decision I’ve made. All except one: coming here. But even that certainty is crumbling. With every day that passes, my fear that Mavericks is not the place for me after all grows bigger.
What if I’m using it as an excuse to push Harrison away?
What if I’m self-sabotaging again?
In the beginning, the idea of a future with him felt out of the realm of possibilities. We were from two different worlds—with an ocean literally between us. But date after date, I got to know Josh. Not the actor. The man. Flawed and honest.
Somewhere along the way, hope bloomed.
And now I wonder… am I punishing him for being imperfect? Am I the one holding him to an impossible standard when all he’s ever done is try?
The guilt creeps in. I want to hold on to it, to let it change something. But my fears are louder. They always have been.
Eventually, exhaustion pulls me under. I don’t know when it happens or how long I’m out.
A soft knock wakes me.
My body aches from the hard floor. The world feels grainy with morning light. A sliver of sun pushes through the window.
I hear shuffling. Then movement outside. I stand up and peer through the peephole.
Harrison is up, leaning on the door, both palms flat on the surface.
My kitchen clock reads six a.m.
Has he been here all night? The thought gives me chills.
I’m considering opening up when his muffled voice comes through.
“I’m not sure if you’re still there. If you’re awake. I feel like I can’t leave like this. Not with so much left unsaid.”
I hold my breath. I don’t move. I don’t dare interrupt him this time.
“I’m sorry. I regret the past few days with all my being. If I could take it all back, I would. I know I failed you.” I see him exhale heavily. “You were right. I promised I’d be the first one to update you about my job and I didn’t.”
He pauses. My heartbeat quickens.
“You were so brave. You came with me to the premiere when I needed you the most, faced the cameras… You gave me the confidence I was lacking. And still, I managed to break your trust. I just hope I didn’t ruin this for good.”
He fixes his gaze on the tiny lens embedded on the door—as if he’s looking straight into my soul. His eyes are red and puffy.
Did he cry?
My hand flies up to cover my mouth to keep from making a sound.
“Just the thought of breaking your heart disgusts me. I know that you don’t want to see me anymore, and I’ll respect that.
But I’ve always tried to be honest with you, so I’ll tell you this much: whether I’m in the picture or not, you deserve better than a company trying to control your personal life.
And more than that… you have what it takes to be a photographer.
I hope these last few months have shown you that. ”
He straightens up, hands in pockets. “Take care, love.”
He turns and heads down the hall.
I run to the window facing the street. A minute later, he emerges from the building, crossing the road. He looks back. Our eyes meet for a split second before he turns the corner, disappearing from view.
It’s only now, with him gone, that the first tear escapes, carving a path down my cheek. Then comes another. And another. Until I’m sobbing—open, broken, the kind of grief that can’t be tucked away.
I’ve held it in for so long. In other situations, with other people, I’ve managed to keep it together. Not with him. Not when I know I might’ve just let the love of my life walk away.
All because I was scared.
My phone pings. I scramble to the couch where he left my purse. There are dozens of missed calls and texts, but only one message stands out.
Harrison.
Harrison
You’ll be okay—how could you not be? You’re the strongest, most determined woman I’ve ever met. Thank you for making me see what I want my life to look like.
The sobs return, deeper now. I collapse onto the couch, clutching the phone like it’s the only tether I have to him. My chest rises and falls in ragged breaths. I wipe my face, but the tears keep coming, no matter how many times I whisper, It’s for my own good. Better to cut it off now.
It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told.
Because I feel empty.
He left, and he took a piece of me with him.
My phone buzzes again. Emma’s name pops up over our college graduation picture. I force myself to take a couple of breaths—I don’t want to worry her—and answer the phone.
“Hi,” I say, my tone almost identical to Ross from ‘Friends’ after getting his divorce. “The night didn’t go so well.”
Her mouth frowns. Anyone else, I might’ve been offended. But not Emma. Her sadness isn’t pity, it’s empathy. She’s simply trying to carry some of the weight for me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to go out. I’m sorry, Jay.”
“Don’t you dare even think that,” I say quickly. “I had a great time with the girls.”
I tiptoe around the rest.
“The problem came after.”
I had been so shocked to find Harrison in the middle of the bar, surrounded by people, that I hadn’t even thought about texting her with an update.
“Ah. The hangover feelings,” she guesses.
I shake my head. “Harrison showed up at The Anchor. I don’t think he knew about the picture until Tony told him.”
Her eyes widen.
“And? What happened?” She’s firing question after question. “Did he explain?”
“He basically dragged me home,” I tell her. “He apologized. Said he didn’t know she was in town until he saw her at the meeting. That she threw herself at him in a desperate attempt to get back on the show.”
Emma chews on her bottom lip. “Jay, I don’t think he’d lie about that.”
I nod. I didn’t realize I had stopped crying until a stray tear reached my mouth.
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I don’t think so either.”
I lay back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling as another tear slips down my temple.
“Why are you crying then?” Emma asks, confused. Her words hit the fear that’s been gnawing at me since he left—that I messed up.
I close my eyes before I answer, knowing her expression won’t be pretty.
“I broke up with him.”
“Jay…”
When I look at her again, a deep frown has formed.
“It wasn’t about the kiss,” I excuse—to myself more than her. “It was about trust. He broke it. And it was doomed anyway. The pressure from the board was going to get worse once I got back home. And that kind of love… it only exists in movies. And I’m not actress material.”
“I think you’d make a great actress, but that’s beside the point,” she jokes, cheering me up just a smudge. “Is it possible that by trying to protect your heart you ended up breaking it yourself?”
It hurts to hear out loud what I’ve been wondering ever since he stepped foot outside of my apartment.
“I didn’t even feel like this with Noah,” I admit. “He said he was doing it for us. So that he could move back to LA.”
“Maybe not everything is lost,” she says, her optimism peeking through.
“If it wasn’t before, it definitely is now. I kicked him out, Em. And he stayed. He sat outside my door until the sun came up.”
“Oh, Jay…”
“It’s fine!” I sniffle. “I can’t go through another dark time because of a guy. I barely survived the last one.”
“I know,” she says, nodding. “And what I’m about to say isn’t so much about Harrison as it is about life itself.
At some point you’re going to have to stand up to your fears.
You got dealt a terrible hand with Noah.
He still is and will always be a narcissist. But that doesn’t mean everyone else is out to hurt you.
We’re not perfect, even I can make mistakes, and I like to believe when––not if––I mess up, you’ll forgive me, and we’ll move on. ”
“You’re right,” I sigh. “I could never stay mad at you for more than a minute. Him, on the other hand… I gave him everything. He knew how hard it was for me to trust again, and he still broke it.”
“It’s easy for someone to break your trust if you’re dedicating half your energy to waiting for it to fall apart… instead of fighting to keep it together.”