Chapter Fifteen
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Celestine was still up, even though it was past midnight when Bella got home.
‘I hope you haven’t been waiting for me,’ she began as she took off her jacket. ‘Because I thought we said?—’
‘I haven’t,’ Celestine cut in. ‘Don’t worry. I was thinking about things and the time must have got away from me. Did you have a nice evening?’
‘It was interesting,’ Bella said as neutrally as she could manage. She hadn’t been planning to tell Celestine the details of her evening with Rory, but in the next breath it burst from her anyway. ‘I kissed Rory.’
Celestine grinned.
‘Oh,’ Bella groaned. ‘I know. I’m an idiot.’
‘I think it’s wonderful.’
‘You do? But I have a husband at home.’
‘In name only, and from what I can tell, one who didn’t deserve you anyway. Why shouldn’t you have some fun? He’s been having plenty, hasn’t he?’
‘I know, but it just feels too complicated right now.’
‘I don’t see why it has to be. You like him, and he appears to like you too.’
Bella flopped onto the sofa and closed her eyes. There was some irony in the fact that her much older aunt, from a generation who often put the success of a marriage above all else, was telling her she was overthinking this. But then, perhaps it didn’t have to be such a surprise, considering that Celestine had clearly been unhappy for most of her own marriage, despite sticking it out until the bitter end. Perhaps that made her the most qualified person that Bella knew to comment.
‘You’re probably right,’ she said finally. ‘I don’t know why I’m getting so stressed. It’s a bit of fun, a holiday fling. I don’t know why I can’t just relax and enjoy it. Sean never has to know.’
‘I’d tell him,’ Celestine said, and when Bella opened her eyes to look, she could see a wicked glint in her aunt’s. ‘I’d be certain to tell him all about it. As they say, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Rub his nose in it good and proper.’
Bella couldn’t help a wry smile. ‘Remind me never to cross you.’
‘You could never do that.’
‘Anyway, how was your evening? Did you have a nice time at the pub?’
‘Yes, it was very nice…’ Celestine held her breath in a long pause. And then she let it go and her shoulders slumped. She seemed suddenly weary. Bella sensed there was something on her mind, something she wanted to talk about that had nothing to do with the celebrations or what had gone on at the pub.
‘Hmm…’ Bella wondered whether she was meant to ask more, whether her great-aunt might want to talk about what had happened, but then Celestine began to cry.
‘What…?’ Bella leaped up from the sofa and kneeled down next to Celestine’s armchair. ‘Don’t cry…Tell me what I can do to help. What do you need?’
‘A time machine,’ Celestine said. ‘That’s about the only thing that will help now.’
‘I don’t understand…’
‘Oh, it’s just today. It all came flooding back – I don’t know why. I suppose because that man has been asking about Violette and the baby, and?—’
‘What happened?’ Bella demanded. She couldn’t help it; she needed to know. ‘What happened after the war? What made you and Violette fall out? What could have been so bad that it’s still going on all these years later?’
Celestine sniffed and pulled a handkerchief from her cardigan pocket. ‘I was a stupid, foolish girl. I caused so much trouble. I never meant to, but I did. He died because of me.’
‘Who died?’
Celestine rubbed at her eyes with the hanky and took a steadying breath. ‘I’ve kept this secret for so long it’s hard to let go. Your uncle Roland knew some of it, but not all. The only people who knew the whole truth were Violette, her sister and me.’
‘Was it something to do with Great-Uncle Roland and Violette being?—’
Bella checked herself as Celestine looked up sharply. ‘Roland and Violette? What do you know about that?’
‘Only…’ Bella couldn’t lie now. She’d already been caught out, so there was nothing to do but tell the truth. She only hoped her aunt wouldn’t be too hard on Dolly when she found out who’d been gossiping. ‘Only that he liked her and wanted to go out with her, but she didn’t want to go out with him.’
‘Who told you that?’
Bella chewed on her lip, not wanting to say the name, but Celestine worked it out quickly enough.
‘Oh,’ she said wryly. ‘I might have known. Dolly Bailey can’t keep her mouth shut for toffee.’
‘Sorry. It might have been my fault. I was asking her about when you used to hang around together as teenagers.’
‘Yes, well, she needn’t have been quite so free with it. I’d have words, but what’s the use? You know it now. Yes, he always did have a soft spot for Violette.’
‘If you don’t mind me asking, how come he ended up with you instead?’
‘I’ve often asked myself the same question. Of course, when Violette went away to Cornwall to have her baby, he didn’t see her for months. He didn’t know she’d gone to have a baby, of course. When she came back, I think he hoped he might be in with another chance, but she didn’t want anything to do with him. She didn’t want anything to do with any of us. She was never the same after…Anyway, I suppose if he couldn’t have her, I was the next best thing. I liked him ever such a lot, and I was glad to have the attention. And after the business with Violette, I almost felt nobody would ever like me again. It made me happy when Roland started to call round.’
‘You must have been in love at first?’ Bella asked, realising there was no point in pretending that she didn’t see they weren’t in love at the end. In fact, it had been plain as soon as she was old enough to notice that there was no love in their marriage.
‘I loved him. I don’t know if he loved me. He wanted to marry me, so I suppose he must have done.’
Bella wanted to pull Celestine into a fierce hug and never let her go. She hated to think of her amazing, clever, feisty great-aunt being starved of the affection she so clearly deserved.
‘So neither of you ever spoke to Violette or her sister after you got married?’
‘We hadn’t spoken to them long before that. I’ve never spoken to her in all the years since. Now she’s in the home, and I suppose it’s too late. I’ll always be sorry about that. I should have tried harder.’
‘It’s hard to make peace with someone who doesn’t want it, but I don’t see why her being in the home makes it too late. There’s still time, isn’t there? To bury the hatchet and be friends again?’
‘I don’t think so. She’d have every right to hate me, even now, all these years later, and if she remembered me at all, she wouldn’t want to bury the hatchet.’
‘Don’t say that. I’m sure that’s not true.’
‘You don’t know what I did. If you knew, you might think she was right to hate me.’
‘I’d never think that.’
‘My dear Bella, even you can’t say that for sure.’
‘How can anything you’ve done be so terrible that I’d hate you? There’s just no way.’
Celestine patted her hand. ‘I want to tell you, I really do, but I’m afraid.’
Bella rubbed her aunt’s back. ‘You don’t have to tell me what it was about, but I’m here and I’m willing to listen. I promise I would never judge you. It must be awful, holding on to this secret for all this time.’
‘I must admit it feels as if the past is finally catching up with me. Perhaps I ought to. I suppose I ought to come clean with that poor man too.’
‘Which man?’
‘The one who’s been asking around about Violette. I’m sure he must be desperate to know the truth about who his great-grandfather is.’
‘I’m sure that’s true,’ Bella said, squirming at the notion that it wasn’t only Celestine keeping secrets. If anyone ought to be confessing here, it ought to be her, not her poor, traumatised great-aunt. She wished more than anything that they could simply get everything out in the open and deal with it. Maybe they’d be able to, but right now it felt like such a mess she wouldn’t know where to begin.
‘Dolly told you about the rumours?’
‘The rumours that Violette had gone away to have a baby? Yes, but I heard Dolly talking to you about that the first day we were at the stall, remember? So please don’t be mad at her – it’s not really her fault.’
‘Well, the rumours were true. She did leave Jersey to have a baby.’
Bella suddenly went cold. Despite knowing that the facts didn’t stack up, she had to ask: ‘It wasn’t Great-Uncle Roland’s, was it?’
‘Oh, no.’ Celestine looked shocked at the suggestion, and Bella wished she hadn’t asked. ‘Nothing like that.’
‘Thank God!’ Bella allowed herself to relax. At least, as much as anyone having such an intense conversation could relax. Right now she couldn’t decide whether she wished she’d come home more sober or more drunk. Her current state didn’t seem to fit the bill either way. ‘I don’t see what it has to do with you then. You mean to say you told people she’d had a baby, is that it? Is that the secret you feel bad about letting out?’
‘No, I never breathed a word about that. I knew, yes. Everyone else worked it out. In those days, if any young woman went off for a few months and then came back, there was a decent chance she’d gone for that reason.’
‘So she came back without the baby. And you know who the dad was?’
Celestine paused. And then gave the tiniest nod. ‘I do.’
‘But you’ve never told anyone?’
‘Not a soul. It was the last thing Violette asked of me and, for my part, after all the trouble I caused, I at least owed her that. No matter what else happened, I would not have let that go, not even on pain of death.’
Bella’s thoughts went back to the photo she’d found of the three girls taken on the beach with the message on the back. Wasn’t that something about keeping their secret on pain of death? Was this the secret?
‘So what changed your mind? You want to tell me now, don’t you?’
‘You asked, and I’m worn out with keeping it. I’ve done my best, and it’s been a long time.’
Bella gave a small smile. There had to be more to it than that – Bella had been asking about it since she arrived and Celestine had never let out a squeak until tonight. There didn’t seem to be anything to gain by pointing that out now, though. ‘Let me get this straight. Violette had a baby out of wedlock and she gave it away? And then she came back and carried on with her life. She got married and she had more children. And the baby she gave away never came looking for her?’
‘If he did, I never got to hear about it. But I suppose I’d be the last person to hear, under the circumstances.’
‘He? So it was a boy?’
‘I don’t know. I’m only guessing he because I don’t know what she had. She’d stopped speaking to me long before that, before she even went away. I knew she was expecting, but that was all.’
‘It wasn’t your fault she had to go away.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
‘It was the father’s if it was anyone’s. He should have stood by her.’
Celestine shook her head. ‘Oh, he couldn’t possibly have done that, even if he’d wanted to. I believe he would have wanted to, but it would have been out of the question.’
‘Because he was a soldier? A German soldier?’
Celestine stared at her. ‘How could you…?’
‘It’s obvious,’ Bella said, flushing. Why couldn’t she keep her mouth shut? Perhaps it was time for her to own up too. With what Celestine was telling her now and what she’d learned from Rory, everything was starting to fall into place. There were pieces missing, and perhaps they’d never have the full picture, but at least it made some kind of sense now. ‘I just thought, who wouldn’t be able to stand by her? And it seemed to me that it had to be a soldier.’
Celestine shot her a look that seemed sceptical, but perhaps Bella’s guilt would have her read too much into it.
‘I suppose you think that’s awful, don’t you? That she could love someone who was the enemy. And she did love him, with all her heart. But it wasn’t like you might think.’
‘I’m not judging. You fall for who you fall for.’
‘She was hiding him, you see.’
‘What for? Was he in trouble?’
‘Terrible trouble.’
‘And you were in on it?’
‘Anais and I were helping her.’
‘Weren’t you scared?’
‘Probably not as scared as I ought to have been. I was fourteen, going on fifteen. I thought I knew everything. We all did. We thought we were so clever.’
‘Violette was older than you?’
‘Yes, she was seventeen. Klaus was eighteen.’
‘Klaus…? That was him? The soldier? So how did you get involved?’
‘Well, there was a breakout at the tunnels. Some of the forced labourers had escaped and were on the run. We were pottering about in the gardens of this big old house. We used to get in through a gap in the fence. Nobody had lived there for years, and we knew it had good blackberry bushes. We heard a noise in one of the outbuildings. We thought it might be one of the escaped workers. Violette said we needed to help them. It took us ages to work up the courage to go and look. In the end, Anais snuck over and peered through a crack in the boards at the window. She almost fell over with the fright, and she let out such a squeal he came out with his gun. He said he’d shoot us if we told anyone he was there.’
Some introduction, Bella thought, but she nodded for Celestine to carry on.
‘He would never have done that,’ Celestine said. ‘Even a bunch of silly girls could see he wasn’t the sort. He looked as if he was scared to death and he needed a bath. Violette was always bold. She came straight out with it, asked if he was hungry, and he said he was. So she went to get him some food, and then that was it – we were all friends.’
‘He spoke English then?’
‘A bit, and we’d all learned a bit of German – we had to, you see, so we knew what was going on from day to day. We went over every day to see him.’
‘Weren’t you tempted to hand him over to the British?’
‘We talked about it, but we didn’t even know how to contact them. The island was more or less cut off. And when he told us how he’d come to be there, we decided not to. You could see Violette was already sweet on him, and the rest of us thought it was all terribly exciting.’
Bella shook her head wonderingly.
‘Yes,’ Celestine said. ‘If I were hearing this story for the first time, I’d be shaking my head too. I don’t know what any of us was thinking.’
‘What did he tell you about why he was there? It must have been good if it convinced you to hide him.’
‘He’d never wanted to go to war. He told us he’d always felt he was on the side of wrong but his father had made him go to fight. He’d been stationed at the tunnels, and when he saw how the men there were treated, he couldn’t stand it any longer. He’d planned to run away?—’
‘You mean he was going to desert?’
‘If you want to put it that way, though I detest the expression. It makes it sound like cowardice, but it was often braver to run than to stay and follow orders, especially when your reasons to run were so just.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean…I was only trying to understand.’
‘I know you didn’t. He helped some of the slave workers escape and then ran with them. I think he’d hoped the confusion would cover his tracks, as well as helping some of them get away. He thought his superiors might assume the escaped prisoners had taken him and killed him or something. Or that they would be so busy looking for the escapees that they wouldn’t even notice he was gone. Seems silly now, doesn’t it? That either of those schemes might stand a chance of working.’
‘So he ran to the garden and that’s when you found him?’
‘He’d been there for three days. We’d seen soldiers walking around, and they seemed to be looking for someone. We thought it must be the escaped workers, but I suppose they’d been looking for him too.’
‘How long did this go on?’
‘Oh, we kept him there for a good month. Used to go and chat to him. He was funny. I liked him a lot. I know it was wrong – we all did – consorting with the enemy. Our parents would have flayed us alive if they’d found out. But he seemed just like us when we sat with him. It didn’t seem possible that he could be like the others. He didn’t want to be at war; he wanted to be at home riding his bike and swimming in the lake near his house. I was a child, but he wasn’t much more than that himself.’
‘What happened to him? You said you kept him hidden for a month? What then?’
To Bella’s horror, Celestine burst into tears again.
‘Oh God!’ Bella flapped. ‘What did I say? I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you!’
‘I didn’t mean it to happen.’ Celestine sobbed. ‘I didn’t mean to give him away!’
‘You don’t have to tell me anything else if you don’t want to. Not if it’s going to make you this upset.’
‘It was my fault, my stupid…If only I’d kept my mouth shut. I didn’t realise anyone could hear us talking, I…Oh, Bella! I’ll never forget Violette’s face when she learned the soldiers had come for him and taken him away. I’d never seen hatred like that before, but I never meant him to get caught.’
Bella pulled her into a hug. ‘It’s OK. I’ll make us a cup of tea. It’ll be all right.’
Celestine pushed Bella away. ‘I don’t want tea.’
‘A brandy or something? What can I get you to make it better?’
‘Nothing will make it better. What’s the use in trying to make it better after all these years? I can’t change what happened.’
‘You can’t change what happened by beating yourself up over it either,’ Bella said. ‘You’ve been carrying all this guilt for most of your life and…what? You think you deserve it? Is that why? How old were you? A kid! Whatever happened, you didn’t deserve to suffer your whole life because of it.’
‘Violette suffered. I ruined her life too. She suffered because I couldn’t keep a simple secret.’
‘It was anything but simple. It was a huge burden for three young girls.’
Bella wrapped an arm around Celestine’s shoulders and pulled her close. She ought to have left it at that. She ought to have persuaded her great-aunt to put it all behind her, but something in her wouldn’t let it go. She had to know the whole story. She knew the truth about everyone apart from Klaus. What became of him? It seemed to matter now more than ever.
‘I was careless,’ Celestine said. ‘It was life and death, and I should have understood that. It could easily have got the three of us killed too – Violette, Anais and me. If it had come to light that we were the ones hiding him, we’d have been dragged away. We’d seen it happen. There was a woman in another town who hid one of the escaped workers. She was arrested and nobody ever saw her again. She’d been executed. Everyone knew the story – the Nazis made sure everyone heard it as a warning to us not to cross them. But none of us silly girls realised when we were helping Klaus that it could have been us; we could have been dragged away and shot if we’d been discovered.’
‘They wouldn’t have killed children…’ Bella said, knowing how hollow that sounded as soon as she’d said it.
‘They executed Klaus. Eighteen years old. Scared to death. They shot him. Violette was inconsolable. She went mad when she found out. She wanted to go and find the people who’d done it and kill them. She didn’t care what might happen to her…’ Celestine shook her head slowly. ‘She always was a hothead. Did things without a thought of the consequences. She’d always seemed so wonderful and exciting to me. I wanted to be like her – we all did. But after Klaus was killed, I was frightened of her. She was worse than ever. She told me never to speak to her again, and I didn’t. It was Anais who told me a couple of months later that Violette was expecting and that it was Klaus’s baby. I was horrified. She swore me to secrecy, but I wouldn’t have dared breathe a word about it to anyone even if she hadn’t. Like I said, most people worked it out. People tried to guess who the father was. Some people thought it must have been your uncle Roland, but we all set them straight on that.’
‘Anais was still your friend after Klaus was taken away?’
‘Not exactly, but I think she felt sorry for me. If they saw me on the street, Violette wouldn’t even look at me, but Anais would give me this sad little smile. I could never decide which was worse.’
‘Oh, Celestine…’ Bella’s own eyes filled with tears. Perhaps she didn’t want the truth after all. To think of her great-aunt going through this for all of her adult life was heartbreaking. ‘It must have been awful.’
‘It was. In a funny way I’m glad to finally have told you. I feel lighter already.’
‘I’m glad you did.’
‘Me too. You won’t judge me too harshly now that you know?’
‘Of course not!’ Bella took a breath. Was it time to tell Celestine the truth? ‘While we’re being honest…Rory is Violette’s great-grandson.’
Celestine stared at her. ‘ Your Rory? The man you’ve been out with tonight?’
Bella watched carefully for her aunt’s reaction and was taken aback to see that it wasn’t quite as shocked as she might have imagined. ‘You knew?’
‘I didn’t know, but it makes sense.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. I knew you didn’t want to talk about Violette, and I thought you’d be angry.’
‘Angry? You can’t help who you’re sweet on, can you?’ she said, echoing what Bella herself had said about Violette falling for Klaus.
‘Yes, but I thought…well, it might make things awkward. You wouldn’t be so well disposed towards him.’
There was a small smile on Celestine’s face now. ‘Is it important to you that I’m well disposed towards him?’
‘Maybe a bit. I mean, I did kiss him, so…I suppose that means we might see each other again.’
‘I should hope so.’ Celestine took a deep breath, pushed herself off the chair and reached for her crutches. She did seem visibly lighter. Bella could only imagine what a release finally telling someone the truth after so many years must have been. ‘I think I’ll go to bed. I’m tired, and I think I’ll be able to sleep now.’
Bella nodded. ‘Thank you for telling me about Violette.’
‘Thank you for listening. Do you think your old aunt must have been a very silly young girl once?’
‘I think you were a young girl. That makes you silly by definition, right? Haven’t we all been like that when we were young? I don’t think I ever grew out of it, quite honestly. I’m still doing silly things now.’
‘We learn from each one, I’m sure. I hope you don’t mind, but I really can’t stay awake a moment longer. I’m worn out.’
‘Of course. Celestine…’
‘Yes?’
‘Would you like to visit Violette? I know you said she wouldn’t recall any of it, but even if it does nothing to soothe her, it might help you to talk to her?’
‘What would I say?’
‘You could tell her all you’ve told me tonight. Tell her it was a mistake and how sorry you are.’
‘She knew all that in the beginning.’
‘I know, but a lot of years have gone by since then. I only say this because I wonder if it would be easier with company? I mean, I’d happily come with you.’
Celestine was silent as she stared into space. ‘Perhaps,’ she said finally. ‘Let me sleep on it. I suppose neither I nor Violette are much longer for this world, and perhaps we oughtn’t to leave it without trying once more to smooth things over.’
‘That wasn’t really what I was getting at. I only meant you might feel better for having gone to her.’
‘Nevertheless it’s true. I think you might be right. Maybe we could call the home tomorrow and see if we’d be allowed to go.’
‘OK,’ Bella said. ‘Don’t get up in the morning – let me go down and open up the stall. Get some extra sleep; it’ll do you good.’
‘I might do that,’ Celestine said, and it was telling of how worn out she must have been that she didn’t insist on getting up to open the stall with Bella. ‘You’re sure you’ll be all right?’
‘Of course – I’ve got the hang of it now. I did arrange to meet Rory for lunch, if that’s all right.’ She paused, watching as Celestine hobbled across the room. ‘What should I tell him?’
Celestine turned to her. ‘About what?’
‘About Violette and Klaus. All things considered, I think he has a right to know. Don’t you?’
Celestine shifted on her crutches and then let out a sigh. ‘You must do what you think is best.’
Bella made no reply, and Celestine filled the gap by leaving the room with a final goodnight. She knew what she wanted to do, but she wasn’t sure it was the right thing. Perhaps she’d be struck by some divine inspiration in the morning. With that final thought, she followed Celestine up to bed.