Chapter Three
A few weeks ago at Starcliff Castle just after Dustin and Lexi’s wedding…
J ohn stood alone at the dining table after Dustin and Lexi’s wedding breakfast, stirring the milk in his tea with methodical precision. The rich aroma of freshly brewed tea mingled with the scent of baked pastries, but the gentle hum of conversation had already faded from the room. He forced himself to focus on the task at hand, his fingers tracing the rim of the porcelain cup. However, his eyes betrayed him, constantly drifting to the figure of Melissa, Lexi’s older sister, who had just returned after briefly leaving the room with her parents. John had pretended to oversee the staff, but his eyes wandered to the door, waiting for Melissa to return.
She stood with effortless grace, her auburn hair catching the soft morning light streaming through the grand windows overlooking a cliff on the Scottish border. John’s body reacted to her presence, an undeniable pull he knew he must resist. His duty-bound heart chastised him, reminding him of the responsibilities that always came first.
Melissa’s gaze met his, and she began to walk toward him, her movements fluid and confident. John’s pulse quickened, and each step she took echoed like a drumbeat in his chest. When she reached him, her eyes were warm and inquisitive.
“The view is spectacular,” Melissa started, and John followed her gaze to a sight he’d seen countless times: The River Esk sparkling in silvery dots, the heavy mist lifting the lush green landscape as if it were reluctant to leave its rugged beauty. John couldn’t have been prouder of the landscape, it was his home and well-suited for the beauty speaking to him.
“It’s a lovely view,” John said, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Melissa. Perhaps he’d seen her often, but he’d never tire of looking at her.
Melissa glanced around the room, a wistful smile playing on her lips. “It’s a beautiful morning. Dustin and Lexi look so happy.”
“They do,” John agreed, his voice barely above a whisper.
“It’s wonderful to see them together.” But he noticed that she furrowed her brows and seemed forced to smile. “I don’t think I can ever have this.”
“A wedding?” She’d had a wedding, and from what John had heard, she’d been the most beautiful bride of the year and had only become more so.
“Oh, I’ve had a wedding. It’s not what I mean. What they have is love.”
Her words stung deeply because he’d imagined what it would be like to give this to her: the wedding, the day of celebrations, the love. All of his love. But she wouldn’t have it by the sound, nor should he permit himself to fantasize about being the one to provide it to her.
Melissa’s eyes softened as she looked at him. “You’ve been rather quiet today. Is everything all right?”
John hesitated, the words he wanted to say caught in the maze of his mind. But Melissa’s gaze was patient, inviting honesty. He took a deep breath and decided to share a piece of the weight he carried.
“It’s difficult,” he began, his voice tinged with melancholy.
“Watching Dustin marry Lexi and knowing that this castle, this life, is now truly his?” she asked. Melissa’s expression turned to one of understanding, her eyes mirroring his unspoken grief. “You were duke for quite some time. It must be an adjustment to relinquish all the power.”
“It is,” John admitted. “But more than that, it’s the memories. This castle holds so many of them. But they seem so long ago, as if I’d lived another life. Now, it’s all changed.”
Melissa reached out, lightly touching his arm in a gesture of comfort. “I’m sorry for your loss, John. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to remain here and serve as the duke without your duchess. Has she been gone long?”
John nodded, the familiar ache surfacing at the mention of his late wife, but a jolt of heat emanating from Melissa’s touch surprised him. “Marianne was my love. Losing her… it felt like losing a part of myself.” Melissa’s eyes glistened with empathy. “To pour my heart so completely into someone was to risk its loss—and I’m not sure I could endure that pain again.”
Especially with you. I don’t think I could recover from losing you.
John’s gaze returned to Melissa, her presence a beacon of warmth in the cold corridors of his heart. “It’s hard to imagine starting anew, especially when the past surrounds me.”
“And yet, she will remain a part of you.”
“Is that how you feel about your late husband, Lady Thumbridge?”
“No!”
The directness of her response surprised him.
“I mean—” She inhaled and paused. “It was different.” She folded her hands primly as if she’d delivered a rehearsed speech. “I wish he hadn’t left me with quite as much responsibility. Surely, you understand. Everything around us here exists thanks to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lexi told me that you saved the estate and protected what was left. You restored what had been lost, and if it wasn’t for you, Dustin said he wouldn’t be the duke of anything. You’ve given so much to others. Isn’t it time to give something to yourself?”
John considered that for a moment. It was true; he’d lost happiness when Marianne died, but he had Herbert. However, he’d never promised her not to remarry—his promise to look after their son was implicit.
“When you were still duke, it was Mrs. Dove-Lyon who introduced you to my sister.” John nodded. It had been a matter of pride and some murmurs in parliament that led him to agree to the match. He hadn’t expected that Lexi had already fallen for his cousin and that he’d… John gulped and tried to find a better angle behind the buffet to hide the physical evidence of his attraction to Melissa—for it was her who’d caught his eye the moment he saw her. And yet, even when he urged Mrs. Dove-Lyon to release Lexi from her promise, he hadn’t admitted that he’d fallen for Melissa. He hadn’t admitted to himself that he loved again after losing his wife. But with time, he’d come to see that he could try to hide from the truth but not his feelings.
Melissa’s voice brought him back to the present. “Tell me more about your time as the duke. It must have been demanding.”
“It was my responsibility,” John replied, his voice steadying as he recounted his duties. “I had to step up when Dustin pursued his studies abroad. My duty was to maintain the family honor and ensure the dukedom’s stability.”
“And you did,” Melissa said.
“I did.” John felt a hint of pride quickly fading into that bitter weight he’d carried inside for so long. “But it came at a cost. My responsibilities consumed me so much that I neglected those I loved. Marianne… she paid the price.”
Melissa’s eyes held his, a silent promise of understanding and support. “Guilt is a heavy burden to carry, John. But you can’t change the past. You can only shape the future.”
John sighed, the weight of her words sinking in. “That’s easier said than done.”
Melissa’s smile was soft and encouraging. “Perhaps you’re not alone in this.”
Her words wrapped around him like a comforting blanket, offering solace in a way he hadn’t known in years. For the first time, he considered the possibility of a future unburdened by the past, where he could find joy once more. Maybe the wedding spirit at the castle or the summer winds from the coast could spark some hope in John, especially in Melissa’s presence.
“Too bad none of this can ever exist in my future,” Melissa said, turning toward the puff pastries left from the buffet. “Do you mind if I take another?”
John’s heart dropped at her words, but the only response he could formulate was a platitude. “As many as you like, please, you’re my guest—” John swallowed the rest of his words. She wasn’t his guest; she was the guest of the duke and his new duchess. “You’re always welcome.”
Stupider words he’d never uttered.
“What I mean is that you are always welcome here .”
“Have you ever lived elsewhere?” Melissa asked with a smile he couldn’t characterize. A glance in her sister’s direction showed that Melissa would never leave Lexi’s side. Or was she at the castle for another reason?
“You mean when I was at Oxford?”
“No, as a family.”
“I was born here and only ever lived here. But we have a townhouse in London. Perhaps you’d like to visit when you go back next time?”
He knew she was Prinny’s mistress and surely danced at the most dazzling balls in Town. Now that John had lost his title, however, he couldn’t expect to be invited again. She was a sparkling star of perfection and kindness, and he could only be in her orbit if she came to grace him with a visit, here at Starcliff Castle or in London. Melissa was out of reach, and he knew he mustn’t try to reach for her—except that he couldn’t think of anything else.