Chapter
Twenty-Five
Sawyer
I snuggled down in my comfy chair with my weighted blanket. Today was emotionally exhausting and my dang toilet was still making that trickling water sound. I needed to fix it before I lost my mind. Talia would be over shortly, but I wasn’t sure if I could even convey everything that happened today. Soren intrigued me on a level that I’d never experienced before. I was still perplexed about disagreeing with him. It didn’t seem a desirable trait to have in someone you wanted to be around, and yet, somehow I already knew Talia was going to love it. Knowing her, she would.
A ridiculous patterned knocking sounded at the door—one that she’d later claim sounded exactly like a hit boy band song—before Talia announced herself and used her key to unlock it. She even knocked in a happy way.
She came in as a burst of sunshine. She was wearing a bubblegum pink romper, matching lipstick, and thick, key lime-colored plastic hoops. Her black hair curled into corkscrews every which way around her head.
“Honey.” She drew the word out and placed the bag of what I knew to be shrimp tacos on the coffee table. Her eyes were assessing. My hair was in a messy bun. I was makeup-less and wearing Soren’s hoodie that had quickly become my favorite.“Talk or tacos?”
“Tacos.”
She grabbed two cans of soda from my fridge and a couple of plates.
“Drink.” She handed me the can and began making our plates.
I drank a fizzy sip and readjusted, pulling my blankets down to better free my hands.
She passed me a plate, and we ate in comfortable silence. The kind of silence that two longtime friends can have and not feel awkward. Within fifteen minutes, we had finished our food, and I was less overwhelmed.
“Thank you.” Talia placed our plates on the coffee table and turned to me, concern etched in her brow.
“How are you feeling now?” she asked softly.
“I think you’re going to be happy, but I’m a jumble of emotions.”
“What emotion are you experiencing the most?” she inquired.
“Soren took me to lunch today,” I said because I wasn’t sure which emotion was the loudest.
Talia’s face broke into a huge smile, as I knew it would. She knew I didn’t date. Not because I didn’t get asked regularly, but because I didn’t see the need. Sure, a relationship sounds nice from the outside, until you’ve seen relationships unravel. I’ve seen people pushed to the brink and being single sounded so much better than experiencing the hellish conditions I had again. The yelling, the screaming, the fighting. Sure, sometimes I was lonely, but my job kept me busy, and I wasn’t one of those people that easily built relationships with others. I was broken beyond repair. The only person that’s made it past my walls of keeping my heart safe was Talia. Although, lately, my walls didn’t feel thick enough against the intensity of one Soren Roberts. What was it about this man that made me feel things that didn’t normally make it through my fortress walls? I wasn’t even exactly sure what I was feeling.
I preferred my perfectly organized existence. I liked things being predictable. After a lifetime of instability, I craved sameness. I didn’t like these new emotions Soren stirred within me, but at the same time, his kindness was disarming. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to know him. Truly know him. But doing that was daunting.
“Earth to Sawyer.” Talia was waving a hand in front of my face. I blinked, lost in my head.
“Sorry, what did you ask?” I asked as I squirmed in my blanket nest.
“I asked how it went.”
“It was unexpected, but not terrible.” Talia laughed.
“Not terrible. That’s always good,” she remarked, her eyes dancing.
“I tried this gas station cake he likes. It was amazing!” I would certainly be making that a treat going forward.
“Oh yeah?”
“He wants me to disagree with him,” I stated.
“Oooohhhh. Tell me more.” Talia’s psychology degree took over.
“Soren said every time I’m with him, I have to disagree about one thing. But he said he wouldn’t get angry at me.”
“Why do you think he wants to do that?” she asked as if she already knew the answer.
“He said I should have space to be ‘authentically me.’” I raised my fingers in air quotes.
“Sounds like maybe he noticed how you always put others first. How does that make you feel?” Therapist Talia asked.
“I guess it makes me feel too many things. He wants to be more than friends, but he doesn’t know how messed up I am . . . ”
Talia pulled my blanket burrito body into her arms.
“You listen to me, Sawyer Brannan. You’ve been through more hell than anyone I know, but you aren’t ‘messed up.’ You deserve to be happy, and if being around Soren makes you happy, then I want that for you.”
I leaned into her embrace. Talia was the only human that I allowed to hug me. She was the best friend anyone could ask for, but sometimes I wondered what I’d eventually do to push her away. When she’d see through me for who I truly was. I fought the fear that she’d leave—because everyone always did—but it didn’t stop me from sinking into her hug. A fierce squeeze that melted away the edge of all the day’s big emotions. She had those miraculous hugs that made problems look smaller and less daunting.
“He’s taking me to a concert,” I said as my face was smashed against Talia’s shoulder.
She pulled back, her body nearly vibrating with energy.
“What? Way to bury the lede! Tell me everything!” she exclaimed excitedly.
“It’s the Cal Austin concert.” I wanted to scream with excitement, but the anxiety of something new ate at me.
“Girl. We gotta find you a smokin’ outfit!”
“Tal, it isn’t a date. It’s. . . like friends,” I explained.
With an exaggerated eye roll and a smile still on her face, she declared, “Friends to lovers is my favorite trope! What do you think about watching a rom-com and doing some online shopping with quick shipping, so you can look extra hot?” She cackled at herself as she reached for the remote.
“Talia, what if I have another panic attack? You know I don’t do things like this,” I asked, reaching for my chain. Talia stilled and turned toward me. Her serious, warm brown eyes met mine.
“Soren helped you before, right?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.” He had. He’d been my anchor that settled everything around me.
“Then let him help you again,” she reasoned as she gave me another quick squeeze. It wasn’t lost on me that she said “let, ” as if it was just as much my choice to get help as it was for someone to offer it.
She was right. He had held my hand when I was triggered the other night. Soren was the type of person that would help those in need around him. But I still wanted to be more than a pity case to him. And once he realized how fractured I was, he’d leave.
“Ready to find something sexy?” Talia quipped as she snagged my laptop. Her grin was a smidge short of maniacal.
And so it went. We turned on the latest rom-com and let it play in the background while Talia showed me outfits much too bright and revealing for my librarian-style taste in clothing. I finally settled on a light blue dress that Talia claimed would make my eyes pop. We laughed until we couldn’t breathe, tears streaming down our faces until we saw stars. It was exactly the evening I needed.