Chapter
Thirty-Two
Sawyer
After barely sleeping last night due to the incessant sound of running water from my toilet, I found myself at a big-box hardware store after work, staring at toilet parts—or at least what I assumed were toilet parts. Why didn’t I simply contact the landlord? This was his responsibility, after all. I already knew the answer to my question, though. One, I didn’t want to bother him, and two, I didn’t want unnecessary people in my safe space.
“Hon, is there something I can assist you with?”
I jolted at the question, completely lost in my thoughts of what to buy and how to know which pieces to get. Beside me stood a middle-aged man with a worker’s vest that indicated he worked for the store.
“Uh, no. I’m good. Thanks though,” I said, turning back to the items, willing him to move on and let me continue to stare at the shelves.
“All right. Holler if you need any help,” He called as he made his way further down the aisle. I should have asked him for help, but I realized as I studied the packaging that I didn’t even know what brand of toilet I had. I studied the packs and tried internet searches on my phone, only to further realize I didn’t know what the heck I was doing.
Defeated, I trudged back home, mad at myself for not being able to make a simple call and report that something was broken. I knew it was my imagination, but the water sounded even louder and more annoying as I tried to distract myself by putting away the groceries I’d bought while out. It was Wednesday, and I’d already had a long day and the noise was about to push me over the edge. I opened the pantry door with a little too much force as I lugged my bag over to put away a stack of canned veggies. My pantry had enough food to feed a family of five, exactly the way I wanted it. This was one of my rooted idiosyncrasies. I didn't want Soren to see the parts that made me feel broken and hopeless beyond repair. These parts of me that years of therapy hadn’t fixed, albeit had been awhile since I’d had an appointment. I resigned myself to my unconventional pantry closet of secrets and let out a painfully exhausted exhale. If he saw this, he’d know everyth—
My phone rang on the counter. I saw his name before I even picked it up. Soren.
“Hello.”
“Hey, I’m in Lewis City and since it’s not too late, I thought I might drop by to see you if that’s okay? I’ll bring dinner.” One sentence and my heart raced in my chest. I rapidly scanned my already perfectly clean duplex and shut the pantry door.
“Uh, okay.” I didn’t know what to say. This was what “normal” dating people did, right? I folded my grocery bag and stowed it away as if I was in a race to hide—what? I didn’t know.
“Are you okay?” Soren asked.
“Yeah, I’ll text you my address,” I replied, putting him on speaker to text as I also hoped he wasn’t nearby. After sending the address, he said it would be about thirty minutes because he would swing by to pick up Chinese food. After asking my favorites, we hung up and I fought everything inside me not to panic. I paced throughout my tiny space, making sure it was tidy even though I knew it was. I changed to a matching loungewear set and folded the blankets in my comfy chair that often sat there swaddled in a nest. As I skimmed over my space once more, there was a knock at my door. On the other side was a smiling Soren holding a bag of Chinese food and a bouquet of beautiful multicolored mixed flowers. His hair was tousled in a way that made me want to run my fingers through it. I’d never wanted to run my hand through someone’s hair before.
“Hey,” I greeted, shy and maybe a little nervous at this new experience.
“Hey,” he responded as his eyes skated across my outfit.
“You look beautiful and cozy,” he said, standing still. I bit my lip, sensing my cheeks heating.
“I brought you flowers,” he offered, holding out the bouquet and lifting up the bag. “And dinner.” The flowers were stunning. I carefully took them from his hand as if they were crown jewels. I had never been given flowers before. There was a mixture of all different kinds of flowers in shades of pink, yellow, and blue. The thoughtfulness of the gesture made my nose sting.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I lifted the flowers to my nose to smell, hoping my tears would stay put.
“Sawyer, are you okay?” I lifted my nose from the flowers to Soren’s concerned face.
“Why?” I asked.
“Why what?” he asked, tilting his head to the side as if he missed something.
“Why did you bring me flowers?” I asked, holding up the bouquet.
“Because you deserve flowers,” he answered matter-of-factly, and I couldn’t help the smile that overtook my face. I stepped back, letting him in, and walked toward the kitchen, intent on taking care of my flowers. I made it to the kitchen before I realized Soren hadn’t followed. He had pulled his cowboy boots off at the door and was letting his eyes take everything in.
“I like your place. It’s cozy,” he observed as he walked toward me and placed the bag on the counter. I smiled, setting to work putting the flowers in a glass pitcher I had retrieved from an upper cabinet. Soren unpacked the bags as I arranged the flowers in water at the kitchen sink.
“Where’s the trash can?” Soren asked as he pulled our food from the bag and laid it out on the counter. My kitchen was fairly small so having him in my space was different, and I liked it.
“Right inside the door.” I nodded toward a lower cabinet across the kitchen, turning back toward the sink arranging the flowers just so.
“You must really like green beans.” I froze, knowing he’d opened the wrong door.