30. Ryan Fairview
A fter using up all the hot water, I laid down until the sun began to set. By the time the sky began to bleed orange and pink, I was physically feeling better but still so fucking gutted over the way I had yelled at Cal.
Putting on a pair of grey sweatpants and a white cotton T-shirt, I padded down into the kitchen with a growling stomach.
I hadn’t eaten anything all day and was starting to feel a little nauseous because of it. To my surprise, I found Theo sitting in the kitchen. She was still in her pantsuit with her shirt unbuttoned to reveal her sports bra, sipping a beer.
As I entered, she shifted her dark eyes to mine and raised an eyebrow.
“You’re up,” she said. It was an observation, not a question.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Sit down,” she ordered, and I frowned at her, wondering what this was all about. Theo rarely wanted to spend time with me. Curiosity, more than anything, drove me to obey.
I pulled out a chair and sat at the table. She got up and pulled out a bottle of expensive tequila we save for special occasions and two crystal rocks glasses.
She put a glass in front of me, then sat down and poured us each a finger.
“It’s a weekday, Theo,” I pointed out.
She shrugged. “Drink the fucking drink, Ryan. I need to talk to you, and neither of us is good at this shit.”
Fair enough.
I knocked back the tequila, and she immediately poured me another ounce.
“How did the service go?” I asked, watching her shoot her liquor and pour herself another.
“It went fine.”
“Was everyone upset?”
“No. Most of the family said that was a pretty typical event where Ms. Sherri Thomspon was concerned. Apparently, this was mild for them. Several people asked me to express their apologies to you and let you know they thought the service was lovely, and they were sorry she clearly upset you.”
I glanced up at her, shocked.
They had wanted to apologize to… Me ?
“That doesn’t make any sense. I behaved completely inappropriately, and Cal… he came in and totally made a mess of things!”
Theo eyed me, her lips a firm line. She spun her glass on the table before taking another large sip.
“I saw him come in. It looked like he was trying to get that psycho lady off you. Honestly, I was about to do the same thing, but he beat me to it. She had no right putting her hands on you like that, Ryan.”
I stared at Theo, surprised that she was coming to Cal’s defense.
“Don’t get me wrong. The dude’s a total fucking weirdo, and I think it’s strange that he seems to have just inserted himself into our lives, but… I’m never going to be against someone who clearly has your back like that.”
My mouth opened and closed several times in shock, but Theo just poured me another drink.
“Down that. I have to ask you something else, and it’s going to be awkward.”
My empty stomach was burning with the few ounces I had already consumed, but something about the way Theo was looking at me made me want to comply.
I tipped back my drink and swallowed the alcohol, feeling the heady effects start to hit my bloodstream. I had to admit, I was feeling much more relaxed.
“Okay. What do you want to ask?”
Theo looked me dead in the eye and, with a completely straight face, hit me with the last thing I ever expected to come out of her mouth.
“Are you gay?”
“What!?” I sputtered, standing up so quickly that my chair shot backward. Theo rolled her eyes.
“Sit down. Relax. It’s fine if you are, Ryan. No one fucking cares.”
“Then why are you asking?!”
Theo sighed, swirling her tequila around in her cup. “I’m asking because I see the way you’ve been eye fucking Cal since we met him. He looks at you the same way, and… like I said, I think the guy’s a fucking weirdo, but you’re… different around him. More alive. Better than I’ve ever seen you.” She glanced up at me, her dark eyes burning into mine. “ Way fucking better than you are with that Joanna chick.”
Slowly, I slumped back down in my chair and shoved my empty glass toward Theo. She chuckled and topped me up. I took another deep pull and groaned, leaning back into my seat.
“Fucking Joanna.”
“Dude. She’s so fucking boring. But she’s still a person with feelings. If you’re crushing on this Cal guy, you need to break up with her. You honestly should have broken up with her a long time ago.”
“Even if I was ‘crushing’ on him,” I made sarcastic air quotes to punctuate the word crushing. “He’s probably never going to speak to me again. Not after today,” I grumbled, the booze making me more open about everything Cal made me feel. My cheeks flushed as I remembered jerking off in the shower to the thought of him touching me.
I had even experimented with fingering my asshole a little… Did that make me gay?
“How can I be twenty fucking seven and just be questioning my sexuality now?” I wondered out loud, taking another sip of tequila.
Theo chuckled. “I dunno, man. I’ve kinda thought you were gay for years. You’ve never really been interested in girls. In your defense, you haven’t really shown an interest in dudes either until now, but anyone with eyes can see you’re into that guy.”
“What are people going to think?” I whispered.
Theo scoffed. “I’m gay. Does that change the way you think about me?”
I frowned. “Of course not.”
Theo had been out as a lesbian for as long as I could remember. It was just a fact. The sun was hot, the sky was blue, Theo was gay. It was different for me. I had always identified as straight. If it turned out I wasn’t, would it be a big shock to everyone? Would I have to do a whole ‘coming out’ thing? I hated being the center of attention. Fielding questions from acquaintances, peers, and extended family about my sexuality was the definition of my living nightmare.
Theo shrugged. “Fuck people. Who cares what they think? And honestly, being gay isn’t this big taboo thing like it used to be. Just lean into it. Experiment. See if you like it. You don’t need to be so fucking serious and black and white about everything, Ryan. Don’t label it if you don’t want to… Just don’t hold yourself back either.”
I sighed. The truth was, with Cal, the gay thing was only part of it. Theo had no idea he had murdered Caleb’s father, and I had incinerated his corpse in our cremator.
“He’s dangerous, though,” I whispered.
Theo smirked. “So what? So am I.”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but grin stupidly at her. My eyes felt warm. I was definitely kind of drunk.
“Whatever. Cal’s sister practically kicked your ass today,” I teased, and her eyes darkened.
“Yeah. I’ll have to return the favor,” she muttered, and I laughed, shaking my head.
“You don’t beat up civilians. Not since high school, at least.”
The corner of her mouth twitched. “I don’t need to beat her up to put her in her fucking place.”
It was my turn to roll my eyes. “You always talk such a big game, Theodora. We all know you’re a big teddy bear deep down.” I slurred, and she took another sip of tequila, her eyes flashing.
“Only for the people who deserve it. Anyway, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you and your big gay crush on the psychopath that keeps breaking into our house.”
I flipped her off, but I couldn’t keep the goofy grin off my face.
Theo wasn’t smiling. “You owe him an apology, Ryan. You were fucking cold today. Even I could see that the dude was just trying to help you.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I felt bad after.”
“You should feel bad. That wasn’t fucking cool.”
I sighed. “Alright. I’ll apologize. But that doesn’t mean it’s ‘cause I want to date him! It’s just the polite thing to do!” Even I could tell I was slurring, and Theo rolled her eyes again, snatching the tequila out of my hand as she stood up.
“Whatever, man. Just… make sure you break up with Joanna while you figure your shit out. Though I doubt she’s really going to care. I think she’s as gay as you are,” she muttered, and I scowled at her back as she deposited our cups in the sink.
“I never agreed that I was gay!” I yelled after her, but she just waved me off and slipped out the back door on her way to the guest house.
I’m not gay… am I?
Remembering how good Cal’s hand had felt around my cock and how quickly he had been able to get me to come, I shuddered.
Okay. Maybe I was a little gay…
Hoping Cal might have sent me a text, I slipped my phone out of my pocket and checked my messages … but… there was nothing.
My fingers hovered over the keys, and I contemplated messaging him for a moment, then I pussied out.
“Ugh… why is this so confusing?” I grumbled, running a hand through my hair. Instead of texting Cal, I opened my text thread with Joanna. The last interaction I had with her had been nearly two weeks ago, and it was completely clinical.
We set up dates like we were setting up business meetings. I thought about what Theo had said and wondered if there was any truth to it. Were Joanna and I just two closeted people who had been clinging to each other because we thought a hetero couple was what the world wanted to see?
‘It’s okay if you are, Ryan. No one fucking cares.’
Was Theo right? Would no one really care if I dated a man? Would it make a difference for the business if people thought the funeral director was gay? Our industry was very traditional… I had always assumed that was why Theo hadn’t wanted any part of the family business.
I couldn’t be sure.
What I could be sure of was that Theo was definitely right about Joanna. If I was even having these thoughts at all, it didn’t feel fair to her that I led her on.
Before my alcohol-addled brain could talk me out of it, I fired off a text.
Ryan:
Hey Joanna. I hate to do this over text, but… I don’t think this is working. I think we should end things. You’re great. It’s not you at all. I’m going through some stuff. If you want to talk more about it, let’s get coffee tomorrow.
She read it almost immediately, and I watched as the dots appeared, indicating she was writing back. God, I was such an asshole. Who breaks up with someone over text?
Joanna:
Hi Ryan. Nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear you’re going through some things. I would love to have coffee tomorrow to chat. No hard feelings. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you through this difficult time.
My eye twitched. This couldn’t be normal, could it? We basically just broke up with the same level of emotion you would put into a corporate email chain.
Jesus fucking Christ…
It had never bothered me before, but now I was suddenly imagining how Cal would react if I had ever sent him a text like that.
He would probably break into my fucking bedroom and tie me to the bed until I changed my mind…My cock twitched in my pants at the thought, only to immediately deflate when I realized that might no longer be the case… not after the way I had treated him.
I got up from the table and wandered out into the backyard. It was a beautiful night. The moon was up, and the silvery light was enough to illuminate our back porch, casting nighttime shadows across Iris’ garden.
The fresh air helped clear my tequila brain enough for me to seriously consider texting Cal again.
I opened our conversation and stared at it.
I was such a dick to him all the time… guilt churned in my gut. Re-reading our messages from this morning with fresh eyes, it was hard not to feel like an absolute douchebag. He was always so chipper and fun. I was this miserable asshole who just kept trying to push him away…
“Fuck.” I growled out loud. Even now, I couldn’t even send him a simple text saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Why? Was it because I was afraid of how he made me feel?
“Uhm. Hey.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin, and my phone went flying. I glanced up to find Cal standing on the walkway, holding a giant bouquet of lilies.
Omg. He was here! He came back? He brought me… flowers?
My stomach was doing some weird shit it had never done before. I couldn’t find the words to speak. All I could do was stare at him.
“I know you probably don’t want me to be here… I just came to drop these off and say sorry.” He cast his eyes down and laid the flowers on the steps at my feet.
“Night, ginger snap,” he said before turning to leave.
“Wait!” I called after him, and he froze, turning back to face me, looking shocked and painfully hopeful.
My eyes darted around, looking for the ghouls. Finding none, I let out a deep breath and forced myself to meet his gaze.
“Don’t go,” I said.
We stared at each other for a long moment, and I held my breath, suddenly nervous that he would turn me down.
Then… he smiled.