92. Cal Walker
I wasn’t sure if it was against the rules to hold patrons while they cried, but I didn’t really care if it was. The woman shaking in my arms was so small and frail that my heart broke for her.
She needed someone to hold onto; I could feel it. I knew what it was to feel like you were drowning with no one to lean on.
If I could be that person for this small, broken human, I would be.
I didn’t tell her everything was going to be okay because, frankly, the man she loved was dead, and nothing about that was okay. So I just held her, whispering the odd, ‘ I know, I know,’ as she shook in my arms.
Ryan led another guest up to the casket to join us, and I did a double take as I realized I recognized the woman he had led into the viewing room.
It was fucking Joanna.
A confusing rollercoaster of emotions rolled through me. My gaze fell down to where Ryan was clutching her hand, and I stiffened as jealousy and rage exploded in my chest at the fact that she was touching him.
I almost completely lost it, but she made a choking sound and sank to her knees before the casket. She buried her face in her hands, and a painful sob wracked through her lungs, causing me to wince.
Like a switch had been flipped, all my anger disappeared when I realized she wasn’t here for Ryan. She was here because the dead man in this casket had meant something to her, and now he was gone forever.
I met Ryan’s tense gaze, and I pursed my lips. It felt strange without my lip ring, which I had removed for the service.
Ryan seemed to be begging me not to make a scene with his eyes, and I let him see that he had nothing to worry about.
Since meeting Ryan, I had begun to learn that no matter what Damian and my fucked up mother had tried to tell me, I wasn’t a monster.
Whatever feelings of animosity I’d felt toward Joanna were not important enough to add to her suffering.
I had no interest in being cruel to someone who was already clearly living through what was probably one of the worst days of their lives.
More guests began to file into the viewing room, and I gently untangled myself from Mrs. Whitlock.
“Is this your daughter?” I asked her gently, and she sniffed.
“Granddaughter.”
“I’ll leave you two to say your goodbyes,” I told her, and she reached for Joanna, pulling her up off the ground and into her arms. The two of them clung to each other, and I slipped away, giving them some privacy so I could go greet the other guests.
Ryan was watching me with a look on his face that made me weak at the knees. I forced back the small smile that twitched at the corner of my mouth. It felt inappropriate, considering the fact that we were managing a funeral, but I couldn’t help the warm and fuzzy feeling I got whenever he looked at me like that.
Like I was everything he could have ever wanted.
Like he needed me.
It was the best feeling in the whole fucking world, and literally nothing could take this high away from me.
I may not have necessarily ever seen myself working in a funeral home… but if doing this job made Ryan look at me like that , there was literally nothing else on this planet that I would rather do with my life.
After the wake, people started to slowly trickle out of Fairview. I stood by the door, saying goodbye to people as they filed out.
I had met Joanna’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell, and immediately understood why she had gone to such desperate lengths to please them. Mr. Caldwell seemed like a serious hardass, and her mother was unfriendly as fuck.
I supposed my first impression of them was at a funeral, but still. I had a knack for feeling people out, and let me tell ya, these people were not it.
While I kept myself busy saying goodbye to patrons, I kept one eye on Ryan. He was bustling about in ‘Ryan mode’ doing his Ryan things, but he kept talking to himself quietly, and it was honestly freaking me out.
I remembered the shadows that seemed to follow him around in the surveillance cameras. There had also been a few times I had been sparring in the basement with Theo while Ryan was in the other room working on Mr. Whitlock.
I could have sworn I heard him talking to someone then, too. But whenever I went to check and see who it was, no one was there, and he always got all red and awkward.
Brushing my fingers over the lump in my pocket that signaled Iris’s weird pouch of witchy goodies, I bit my lip.
For some reason, I had this super strange feeling that Ryan could see ghosts or something. Maybe I would have thought that was far-fetched before I met Iris, but after spending weeks sharing a space with her, it seemed more than plausible.
Resolving to ask Ryan about it when we were alone, I nodded at the last patron and made my way into the viewing room to help clean up.
I paused, however, when I noticed someone was still in here. Not just anyone .
Joanna.
She was sitting in one of the empty chairs, staring at the empty space where her grandfather’s coffin had been with tear-stained cheeks.
She looked so fucking sad, I couldn’t bring myself to just leave her there. So, I made my way over, doing my best to come off as non-threatening as possible.
I wasn’t sure if the non-threatening thing was working, considering her eyes widened in fear when she noticed me approaching, and she leapt to her feet.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to linger. I’ll go…” she stammered, and I shook my head, holding my hand palms up to show her that I wasn’t here to hurt her or be mean.
“No, no, stay. I’m sorry about how I acted last time. That wasn’t cool… I just… You were a bit of a shock, and I was angry and didn’t know how to deal with it. I’m sorry I took it out on you.”
She paused, eyeing me wearily, wringing her hands together.
“I promise, I come in peace. I just came to see if you wanted some company or someone to talk to. I’m sure today was rough.”
Her eyes welled with tears again, and she nodded. Gesturing to the empty chairs, I sat down, hoping she would follow suit.
She folded herself into the seat next to me and returned to her staring competition with the empty podium.
“So, you and your grandfather… you guys were close?” I asked, and she let out a breathy laugh that I couldn’t interpret.
“I guess you could say that.” She sighed. “My grandfather was a very… strict man, much like my father. He was very… involved in my life. Whether I wanted him to be or not.”
She stiffened, then turned wide, fearful eyes on me.
“Oh my… that was a horrible thing to say…”
I shrugged. “I’ve heard worse.”
Her mouth parted, and I placed a hand over hers, giving her fingers a squeeze.
“Listen, it’s okay to mourn the loss of someone and still not be okay with everything they did while they were still here with us. When people die, we tend to try to focus on the good in them so we can remember them fondly, which is nice. But grief is complicated. Just because someone has passed, it doesn’t wipe away the times that they might have hurt us.”
My own feelings about Damian welled up inside me as the words left my mouth. Sometimes, I felt sad that he was gone and I would never see him again. Then I would usually feel guilty about mourning the loss of someone who had brainwashed and abused me my entire life… But Ryan always told me that it made sense to miss the closest thing I had to a father. I was the victim in this situation, and however I decided to deal with Damian’s death was the right way to do it.
“I don’t want to pry or anything, but I get the feeling that if you needed to fake date my boyfriend to make your family happy, that maybe whatever you’re feeling right now is valid.”
She blinked at me, and I held my breath. I wasn’t sure if what I had said would offend her, and I didn’t want to overstep on my first day on the job, but my entire body relaxed when her eyes softened, and she nodded.
“I tried so hard for him, but I just… I just can’t be who he wanted me to be.” Her gaze drifted back to the empty podium as if she could still see her grandfather lying there.
“We got in a fight a few weeks ago. I tried to put my foot down with him. It didn’t go well, and I threatened never to speak to him again… and now…” A large tear spilled over her cheek, and she broke down, dropping her face into her hands. “And now I never will…”
Without thinking, I draped my arm over her shoulder and held her while she cried.
“Let it out…” I murmured, rocking her gently as she sobbed.
There were no words that would help her through this, so I stayed quiet. Ryan came in at one point, and his eyes filled with sympathy as he watched me do my best to comfort Joanna.
He left me to it, a small grateful smile ghosting on his lips.
After a long while, Joanna untangled herself from me and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. I handed her a tissue and gave her a tentative smile.
“Thank you,” she sniffed. I shrugged.
“No need to thank me. I didn’t do much.”
She shook her head. “You did more than you know. I think I just needed to not feel judged for a minute.”
“No judgment here, sweetheart.” I grinned. She smiled back, still wiping her tears away.
“I’m really glad Ryan found someone like you,” she said softly. “He deserves someone who looks out for him and loves him just the way he is.”
My heart swelled with warmth at her words, and I suddenly couldn’t remember why I hated her so much.
“Yeah, well, maybe the three of us could hang out sometime. You know, if you ever need some friends who run in different circles.”
The smile she gave me made the whole room light up, and I felt so fucking good that something I said was the reason she no longer looked like there was no hope in the world.
“I would really like that,” she whispered, and I squeezed her hand gently.
“Me too.” I winked. She giggled before getting to her feet.
“Thanks again, Callum,” she said, and I walked her out, feeling like maybe Ryan was right. It felt way better to help people than it ever had to hurt them.
For the first time in my life, I really felt like I found somewhere I belonged.