20. Estelle
Chapter 20
Estelle
I t began with flowers. Not the stuffy, perfect blooms that gilded my room already, but a bouquet of my favorite wildflowers—a veritable rainbow of color and life adorned with desert roses I knew must’ve come from Adrian’s homeland. A quick trip through the mirror, and yet the thought behind it, the innate sense that he hadn’t asked anyone else to acquire these for him but picked them himself made me pause, breathing them in.
But it was the note that made my breath catch in my chest…the love letter.
Princess,
I woke up dreaming of the taste of your lips, those sweet little sounds you make echoing in my ears. While I’ve heard the tales of the dreamwalking this bond entails, I’m concerned I won’t be able to tell the difference as all my dreams now are of you.
You told me you don’t feel like you have a choice in this…and yet, I feel that I’m the one who never had a choice in falling for you when, from the moment I met you, I had already fallen. Though choice is little match for fate, especially not when the two are aligned (at least for me. But I’ve never been afraid of a challenge, especially with you as its reward).
Yours,
—A
P.S. When can I see you?
There was a tiny sketch of a rose next to the swirling A of his signature, like Adrian had drawn it while staring at one of the partially unfurled buds now sitting on my bedside. I quickly found a piece of parchment, then sent my response in a flash of light before I lost my nerve.
Princeling,
You might have featured in my dreams too. Not in the night, but as a notion—a dream— that I might one day find someone to whom I might belong, and who would belong to me. Said person has always seemed fictious, nebulous, and entirely imaginary. An unattainable farce in a world not meant for happy endings.
But when I woke up today…for the first time, that figure had a face I recognized.
Cordially,
—E
P.S. I plan to spar after breakfast if you find yourself looking for another challenge.
I had barely gotten dressed when I jumped at a knock on my door. Before I even opened it, I knew who would be standing there.
Adrian leaned against the doorway in one long line. My letter was clutched in one hand, a steaming mug of what I could already smell was my favorite tea in the other. “Cordially?”
“Would you have preferred ‘amiably’?” I kept my tone cool even as my heartrate skittered. “Or perhaps, ‘best wishes’?”
He laughed and something inside my chest expanded almost unbearably at the sound. “I would’ve preferred ‘yours’, just as I am to you. But I suppose this is one more thing for me to work towards.”
“You’re unnervingly blunt,” I said before I could stop myself, his earnestness once again knocking me a bit off-kilter.
“I don’t much care for the games and false pleasantries of politics, just ask my brother.” Adrian smirked unabashedly. “But there’s no reason to be anything but honest with you.”
I pursed my lips. “Then perhaps you’ll tell me why you’re here, Princeling.”
“You mentioned breakfast,” Adrian said, his eyes hopeful. “It occurred to me that you might need a companion for that too.”
I took the mug from him, breathing in its rich, earthy scent before taking a sip. “I suppose I do. Though I had a book I meant to finish.”
“Then I’ll read it to you,” he said, so sincerely I felt another piece of my resistance fall away. “I don’t want to miss another minute with you.”
As we left the room, Adrian wrapped his hand around mine the second he was close enough to do so. I found myself entirely unwilling to pull it away.
I promised Adrian I was wholly up to the task of changing for a ride in the woods by myself—an assertion I immediately wanted to take back as the heat in his gaze seared me to my core. His eyes had danced as though that anima bond was already in place, and he could sense my growing need for him. But he had merely lifted my hand, pressing his full lips against my knuckles as he promised to wait for me.
A ride in the cool air would be good for me. I couldn’t get my mind off the way he had taken the book I had brought with me to breakfast—an autobiography I had found rather dry until his lilting accent made each syllable sound like an invitation. It was dangerous, the way he made me feel. Especially as I got to know him and couldn’t blame my burgeoning feelings on a mix of loneliness and lust.
As I opened the door to my room, any lingering heat from breakfast was immediately doused in a bath of ice water as I saw my father waiting for me.
Thank the gods I hadn’t brought Adrian with me.
I hadn’t failed to notice that with my father being utterly preoccupied with planning for the ceremony, he had been far too busy to micromanage me for once. Nor that the lack of his watchful eye had left the way open for Adrian to spend every waking minute doing exactly what I had asked of him—convincing me we belonged together.
Velan Maris cut an imposing figure against the rising mist outside the window. Trim, and lightly muscled, he wore a high-necked waistcoat over his crisp white shirt—never one for adornments, though every stitch he had on was made of the finest of materials. The austere lines of his face tightened as he turned to me, no hint of a smile. Not that I had expected one.
“Estelle.”
I dipped my head demurely. “Father.”
“I thought it was past time we discussed what’s expected of you.”
He had never been much for pleasantries, though his courtly persona was another matter. I kept my face impassive, biting back my retort that what was expected of me seemed to be the only thing we had ever talked about. “Do you have an objection to this match?”
My eyes narrowed at the thought that he might try to keep me from Adrian, despite my own uncertainties. My father’s head tilted as my jaw flexed, unable to entirely keep the suddenly braying beast inside me at bay.
“I’m not so foolish as to disobey the High Queen’s wishes,” my father said coolly. “But in this case, they appear to be aligned with my own aspirations for you. We can only be thankful that bond seems to have chosen wisely.”
I inwardly winced at his clinical tone in comparison to Adrian’s awe and excitement, though I knew better than to expect anything resembling affection from him.
My father cleared his throat. “While I’ve only been able to look into the boy so much in the short time I’ve had to do so, he’s Celestial, royal, and well-bred. His parents seem to have raised him with the rigor needed to rule, and, despite Queen Amerie’s age, she hasn’t let it slip to them why this match is more fortuitous to them than they could ever imagine. Though?—”
I hid a smile at the thought of the High Queen’s reaction should my father ever share such a disrespectful assessment to her face.
“—it’s far past time that she steps down and lets a new ruler take the throne, for the good of the realm. And with me to guide you, that’s exactly what this match will accomplish?—”
Tuning him out, I nodded along to the speech I had heard many times before. How only through his leadership and direction would I succeed. I should have known my father would be all too thrilled at the prospect of marrying me off to another Celestial, and a royal one at that—never mind that I was both. He must have been delighted that my anima was my age, and therefore someone he thought he could control. Because there had never been a concern about my happiness, only power—his, first and foremost.
“—you’ll need someone like him at your side to go through the Choosing one day.”
I hid my grimace, not bothering to ask if ‘like him’ referred to Adrian’s pedigree, his magic, or simply the fact that he was born with a penis. Considering I had been born with everything but, I already knew the answer.
He stepped forward, taking my hands in a way I was sure was calculated, even as part of me wished it wasn’t. “Your mother would have been pleased to see you find your anima .”
I hid my bristle with another dip of my head as he quickly dropped my hands. It was all I could do not to clench them into fists. How dare he use her to sway me? As if I hadn’t heard him lament my mother’s ‘weakness’ that had led to her death during my birth, leaving my father with only me as his heir and not the male copy of himself he had always dreamed of—a fact he often shared whenever he found me lacking.
My magic crackled within me, and I knew if I raised my gaze, he would see the evidence of my fury.
I needed to calm down; to find some semblance of the control that was usually second nature to me. Yet, somehow, it evaded my grasp.
One day, I would be High Queen, and I would be free of the males who thought they knew better than me. It wouldn’t be long until I no longer had to play this game.
But I couldn’t help but add, “I haven’t given Adrian my response yet.”
“Well of course,” he sniffed. “But now that I’m certain he’ll be accommodating?—”
He thought my decision hinged on his say so. I might have laughed if I didn’t feel like I wanted to cry.
“Then I should tell him.”
My father blinked in surprise. I realized too late that I had cut him off as his mouth tightened. “I think not. Perhaps after the bonding ceremony, and after we know his allegiances have shifted to our own ends. After all, we cannot simply trust an outsider?—”
“An outsider who’s meant to be my soul bonded.”
My father’s gaze narrowed. “It seems you have grown too used to your intended’s kowtowing to remember your manners. I will forgive it, given the circumstances. But do not test my patience a third time.”
I could feel my light demanding an outlet, my fingertips heating not at the insult to me, but at the slight to my anima ?—
There was a knock at the door. My light seemed to settle as I stepped toward it. I felt it practically purr as I opened the door to Adrian’s dark eyes, that ever-present smile curving his lips. “I thought I’d check on you, Princess. After all, we have places to?—”
Adrian cut off when he saw my father, then bent in a formal bow. “Your Highness.” He straightened. “My apologies, if this isn’t a good time?—”
“Couldn’t be better,” I cut in before my father could say otherwise.
He shot me a look. “I believe we’re done here. Unless you have any questions about our priorities.”
Silently, I shook my head. I knew exactly what his priorities were.
Adrian frowned slightly as he took in the coldness in my father’s tone. “I was planning to take your daughter to the stables. I hear she’s quite the equestrian.”
My father waved a hand dismissively. “Fine. Though don’t stay away too long.”
I straightened on impulse as he walked toward me, but he passed me without a second glance. Letting out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding, I tried not to let my shoulders slump with the sudden heaviness that had descended upon me. When Adrian reached for me, I stepped away as though I hadn’t noticed he had done so, moving swiftly to my dresser.
His swallow was audible. “Estelle…is everything okay?”
“Of course,” I said woodenly. “I’ll just be a minute.”
I chanced a glance back at him as my fingers curled against the cool, curved metal of the drawer’s handles. Adrian’s brow was furrowed with concern, his hands flexing at his sides like he didn’t know what to do with them. But his gaze softened as it met mine, and that creature that had awoken inside me seemed to settle as well.
“Take your time,” he said earnestly. “I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. I’ll always be there for you.”
A faint blush tinged his cheeks before he turned around, shutting the door behind him before he could see the tears that sprang to my eyes at the casual declaration. The way he offered it so easily, and without expectation.
I furtively wiped my eyes as I bent down to put on my riding boots, wondering if I had ever been loved without conditions. Or if that even counted as love at all.