The Nature of Love (Love in the Spotlight #3)

Chapter 17

Seventeen

The music wasn’t working.

Normally when I came into the operating room, my classical playlist bolstered me. The soothing music reminded me that I knew how to do the current surgical procedure. But today, the sound failed to bring comfort.

The room was filled with tension, and I feared the source stemmed from my own misery. From the moment I entered the hospital, I’d received condolence after condolence. I might have even snapped at Dr. Bryner when he told me he was sorry for my loss.

Chris said I’d come to hate that phrase, and he wasn’t wrong. Relegating Ellynn’s and Asher’s deaths to a loss seemed heartless. They weren’t lost. They were dead. I couldn’t imagine the dread they must have felt when that car crossed over the median and headed straight for them. A lump formed in my throat.

Angry tears threatened to blur my vision, so I cleared my throat. “Scalpel,” I said in my most stern voice.

Unfortunately, this surgery couldn’t be performed laparoscopically, since the bone had broken through the skin. I needed to widen the opening and get in there to set the bone. I pushed thoughts of my family out of my head and concentrated on the patient in front of me. He deserved my full attention no matter what the others in the room were thinking. I didn’t know if they were pitying me, and frankly, that didn’t matter at the moment.

Focus. You’ve done this surgery hundreds of times. You’ve got this.

By the time the patient was ready for stitches, sweat dripped down my back despite the freezing temperature in the room. I stepped back. “Suture and send him to recovery.”

“Yes, Dr. Kennedy,” Dr. Collier replied.

I left the room and removed my gloves and gown, tossing them in the correct bins. Then I scrubbed my hands and arms clean. Drying them, I left the OR and took in a deep breath, leaning against the nearest wall.

“Are you all right, Dr. Kennedy?”

I bit back a groan as my superior came to stand by me. “Just a little warm.”

“Ah yes, they never have the rooms cold enough, do they?” Dr. Cook’s brown eyes twinkled.

I’d always thought of him as fatherly. He had a perfect white beard that shone against his brown skin. He was a little portly in the middle. Not enough to have a true gut but noticeable against his lean frame. Still, his eyes always seemed to glint with merriment, and his tone was always kind.

“Not today.” I slipped off my cap, letting air hit my twists. Still, I felt too warm.

“I appreciate you returning to work.” He paused, as if gathering his thoughts. “But perhaps it’s too soon.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “Bereavement leave is only two weeks.”

“True, true. But upon further discussion with HR, you actually qualify for the Family Leave Act since you are now guardian to your nieces. We can give you twelve weeks of unpaid leave to adjust.”

Twelve weeks? My blood pressure must’ve tanked, for I felt the color drain out of my face. I couldn’t stay home for twelve weeks with Cheye and Ash. I loved them dearly, but twelve weeks of proof that I was a failure as a caretaker was too much. I needed to stay busy. I had to provide for them and pay for two mortgages. I just couldn’t stay home for three months.

“I need to work,” I stammered out.

Dr. Cook studied me. “Perhaps, but I think at least another week at home with your nieces would do you some good.”

Cheyenne would certainly appreciate the time. She’d hated it when I’d left for work this morning. I hadn’t yet enrolled her in a school because I was still looking for the right place to live. So until then, she wasn’t in school, but fortunately, Chris offered to bring Cheyenne and Charlie to work with him. The hospital had a nursery available to staff employees, so Ashlynn was there now. But remembering Cheyenne’s glare when I’d walked out the door this morning still pierced my soul.

Why does every decision I make regarding the kids seem wrong?

“How about you submit the paperwork for another week, hm? Your team can handle things in your absence.”

I opened my mouth, then shut it. He wasn’t wrong. “Okay. You’ll need to get another surgeon to fill in for those patients who can’t wait any longer for treatment,” I said. Those people didn’t deserve to be rescheduled again. Three weeks was a lot of time to wait when you were in pain.

“Understood. I’ll take care of them myself if it comes to it.”

“I appreciate that, Dr. Cook.”

“T hen off you go.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and headed for my office. I’d submit my paperwork, then drive home, well, to Chris’s house. Maybe having another week would give me some time to find a decent place for the girls and me. They needed a stable environment, especially considering how their world had upended. I’d contacted a real estate agent last week, but the first batch of houses she’d shown me were too far from work. Not to mention Ashlynn had cried the entire time we were viewing the homes.

After I picked her up from the nursery, Ashlynn blissfully fell asleep in her car seat as I drove back to Woodland Park. When I pulled up the gravel road, I took in Chris’s home. The place suited him perfectly. When he’d first mentioned a log cabin, I was thinking a one-story place backed into the woods. But this was three stories with wooded land standing like a backdrop.

I also wasn’t expecting just how much he lived a sustainable life. Sure, he’d mentioned collecting water, but I hadn’t considered how regular rolls of paper towels would be switched out with reusable terrycloth. Or how cloth napkins could be used in place of paper ones. Not to mention, he owned a compost bin and several recycle bins that made me pause any time I needed to throw something away to figure out which receptacle the item belonged in. And though he said I didn’t have to follow his lifestyle, what kind of person would I be if I just threw away a plastic bottle if he was collecting them for recycling purposes?

I was learning a lot from him and reexamining my own habits. I blew out a breath. I was tired of thinking. Tired of not feeling like my life was mine any longer. Everything had changed. I wasn’t resentful so much as ... hurt.

I thought about Chris’s prayers, how much they comforted me . Could I try doing that on my own? Try reaching out to Someone I wasn’t sure was there? That seemed ... offensive, but at the same time, I needed an answer.

“Are You there?” I whispered in the still of the car.

The phone rang, and I jumped in my seat, then slapped a hand over my heart. I quickly answered the call, glancing over my shoulder to see if Ashlynn had awakened. Thank goodness her eyelids remained closed.

“Hello?” I opened the car door, exiting the driver’s seat before softly shutting the door so I wouldn’t bother Ash.

“Hey, it’s Chris.”

“Hi. What are you up to?”

“Just finished a visit from some middle school students interested in animal science.” Chris cleared his throat. “Hey, I hope this doesn’t weird you out, but I got the feeling God wanted me to call and pray with you.”

“W-what?” My heart thumped in my chest. Was he serious? Was there really Someone listening to me?

I looked up, but the cloud-covered sky simply forecasted snow and gave me no glimpse into a higher power.

“Erykah, did you hear me?”

“Sorry.” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and listen to Chris. “I’m just stunned.”

“Why’s that? Should I not pray for you?”

“I literally just asked if God was there. I was wondering if He could see me, hear me. And then you called to offer prayer.” I swiped at the salt tracks lining my cheeks.

“Then let me pray. He’s listening.”

I could feel sobs gathering in my chest. How could God really exist? How could the stories I’d been reading in the Bible be true? How could Someone who demanded holiness from the Israelites look at me and think I was worth anything? I couldn’t follow the logic.

It ’s because it requires faith.

Goose bumps pebbled my arms. Where had that thought come from? Had I read that in the Bible? Had Chris uttered those words?

“Dear heavenly Father, I want to thank You for seeing Erykah. For hearing her prayers. For being willing to answer her questions. You love her beyond bounds and know how desperately she needs to be seen and loved. Please guide her in her care for her nieces. Please comfort her in the passing of her sister and brother-in-law. Please continue to show me how to help her as she searches out answers regarding You. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

Just as in times before, Chris’s words centered me. Settled the angst gathering like a blizzard. “Thank you,” I added.

Seriously, I was so tired of thanking him. I hated being beholden to anyone, and I owed Chris in spades. Though I suspected I’d never be able to repay him for all the good he’d done for me and my nieces. I couldn’t understand how he was still single. Why hadn’t a woman snatched him up? All those complaints about wondering where the good men were, and I’d literally bumped into the best one at a restaurant.

Granted, bringing any romantic feelings into the situation would only muddy the waters. I needed to keep a clear head. I had to remember that remaining friends was in all of our best interests.

Still, when he flashed those baby blues my way, my stomach dropped, and I wanted to swoon like the starlets of old.

I rounded the car to grab Ashlynn. “I’m headed into the house. My boss told me to take another week of leave.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yes.” I winced. “Shoot, I should’ve stopped by and picked up Cheyenne and Charlie.”

“O f course not. You have Ash, right?”

“Right.”

“Then watch over her, and you’ll see me and Cheye later. I’ll bring dinner.”

“Chris...” I tried for the same tone I used on Cheyenne.

He chuckled. “Okay. Fine. You can cook if you’d like. But maybe we can go and do something fun this weekend?”

“Fun?” What was that? Was fun even appropriate during grief?

“Yeah. A good hike.”

I snorted. “Hiking isn’t fun.”

“Bet I can prove it is.”

“What if it snows again?” The last snowfall had only just melted away.

“Snow won’t kill us.”

“Hypothermia is a real thing. As is losing a limb to frostbite.”

“Okay, Dr. Doom. I’ll make sure I take you to an appropriate place and have you dressed in appropriate attire for the weather conditions.”

My lips twitched. “Sounds like a plan.”

“See you later, Erykah.”

The hairs on my neck stood up at the huskiness in his voice. How did he manage to say my name in such a way that my heart yearned? “Bye, Chris,” I rasped.

I hung up the phone before embarrassment at my own vulnerable tone could echo in my head. What I didn’t want to do was replay our conversation and analyze any undertones or hidden meaning in his words. Chris was a friend and would stay that way. I couldn’t let myself hope for anything more. Not with the girls now in my care. They needed my full attention. I didn’t need to distract myself with the little tiny crush that was developing.

No , I’d swat it away like a birdie in badminton. I just needed to get through this adjustment period.

And find a new place to live.

Maybe if I didn’t see Chris’s baby blues every day, I could keep him firmly in the friend zone. It was time to focus on a new place. Find something close to the hospital, in a good school district, and with a backyard for Charlie and the girls to play in.