Chapter Four
My yoga training has finally come in handy this morning - I’m inhaling and exhaling while I perform the tree pose in an, admittedly, futile attempt to calm my frazzled nerves.
Everything has got to be perfect. I repeat the words in my mind like a sacred mantra. It’s Penny’s day, and it has to be perfect.
On tippy-toes, I sneak into Penny’s bedroom, carrying a huge pink and gold foil balloon and an armful of presents.
‘Rise and shine, birthday girl!’
Instantly, Penny sits bolt upright and clasps her hands in delight. ‘Mummy, is it really my birthday today?’
‘Yes, it is!’ I sit down on her rose-patterned quilt and arrange her carefully wrapped gifts before her. ‘Go on, then! Open your presents.’
My dear, sweet Penelope can hardly contain her excitement, but as she picks up the first parcel, concern furrows her brow. ‘Shouldn’t we wait for Daddy first?’
It’s as if someone just stabbed a shard of ice right into my heart.
‘Daddy will be along later, sweetheart,’ I swallow down my sorrow and force on a happy face for my little girl. ‘He wouldn’t miss your party, don’t worry.’
As soon as I speak those words aloud, I wish I could pull them out of the air and stuff them back inside my mouth. Have I just made a promise to my daughter that I can’t possibly keep? WillJerry be back in time? He swore that he would be at the beach for one-ish, but I’m not so sure. He’s let us down before …
After opening her gifts, the two of us head downstairs, where I’ve prepared a special birthday breakfast of blueberry and lemon pancakes, fresh fruit juice, pastries and a big pot of tea. Penny was desperate to wear the new party dress I sewed for her the moment she unwrapped it, but I managed to coax her into her fluffy dressing gown, lest she spill crumbs down the tulle.
As Penny is tucking in, I steal a glance at my watch. We’ve got just under an hour before the party begins, which means we need to get a move on.
When Penny insisted on a beach party this year, I was more than a little apprehensive. Last Christmas, she nearly drowned in the sea, all because Jerry wasn’t watching her. Thank goodness Mia’s boyfriend James is a lifeguard, and he rescued her before she was pulled on the tide. You best believe he’ll be on hand today, keeping a close eye on all of the kids along with his colleague, Reece.
I thought I’d never forgive Jerry after that incident. And deep down, I suppose I never have, though if he were to ask me, I’d insist it was just a mistake. I still have nightmares about it, about what might have happened if James hadn’t got to her in time … and I wake up with Penny’s screams ringing in my ears.
We arrive at the beach at ten to eleven, and Kat’s ice cream van is already parked up. Good old Rob has set up a load of lawn (or perhaps I should say sand) games; croquet, quoits and a bean bag toss, and he’s even brought along a pair of speakers so we can play music.
Overcome with gratitude, I rush over to hug him. ‘Thank you so much for helping out.’
‘It’s no trouble at all,’ Rob says, and he bends at the knee to greet Penny. ‘Happy birthday, darling! What did you have nice today?’
‘Some toys, new pens and a drawing book, and Mummy made me this princess dress!’ She holds out the skirts, carefully crafted in pale purple silk and lined with powder blue tulle.
It’s the first sewing project I’ve worked on in ages, and it was a blast. I had such fun sketching out a pattern and piecing it together to Penny’s exact measurements. It made me realise how much I’ve missed designing and creating garments.
‘Wow, it’s beautiful.’ He grins at me. ‘Your mum sure has a lot of talent.’
I splutter out some sort of modest response and turn to greet the horde of guests that have started to arrive, along with the donkeys I hired for the kiddies to ride.
An hour and the party is in full swing, Penny’s having a wonderful time on the bouncy castle, half her guests are lined up for donkey rides and the other half are dancing to the music blaring out of Rob’s speakers. I should be delighted, the shindig I’ve been planning for months is turning out to be a huge hit. And yet, there’s an ache in my stomach, one that I can’t ignore, despite the joy on my daughter’s face.
When it’s time to bring out the cake and sing happy birthday, it’s smiles all round. In fact, I’m the only one with sadness in my eyes, though I do my best to disguise it. I glance over my shoulder, searching for a face over by the promenade, but no one appears.
Still no sign of Jerry.
I shouldn’t be surprised, this is the norm for us after all, but for some pitiful reason best known to myself, I still hold out hope that one day he’ll keep his promises and prove to Penny and I that we are his top priority.
That hope is dashed as the party goes on and the hours tick by.
*
At four o’clock, the children are beginning to leave with their parents, and of course, that’s when an irritatingly familiar face in golf gear shows up at long last, giving the Cheshire Cat a run for his money with his stupid, goofy grin.
‘Hello, my birthday princess!’ Jerry strides straight past me and lifts Penny up into his arms. ‘Glad to see your old dad, eh?’
Despite my calm outward demeanour, my blood is bubbling beneath my skin as I watch him caper around our bemused daughter, as if nothing’s wrong at all. How can he think this is okay? He promised he would be here no later than one o’clock, it’s past four now, and all the festivities are over.
Over by the ice cream van, Mia shoots me a sympathetic glance, but her eyes scream don’t cause a scene! She’s right to warn me, I’d like more than to storm over to my clueless husband and give him what for in front of everyone, but I can’t spoil Penny’s special day, even though it’s basically over now.
When Jerry sidles over to me, all silly and smiley like nothing’s amiss, my fury is boiling over.
‘See?’ he smirks. ‘I told you I’d make it.’
‘Hardly.’ I throw him a filthy scowl. ‘The party is over.’
‘Oh, don’t give me that face, Claire.’ With a infuriating roll of his eyes, he turns his back on me. ‘I’m here, aren’t I?’
The frostiness follows us home and continues until the evening. I watch a film with Penny in the living room while Jerry holes up in his office, not making an iota of effort for what’s left of his daughter’s birthday. I have to wrestle between my head and my heart to stop myself from going up to him, because I know it will end in an argument, and I don’t want Penny to witness that, not on her birthday. Ideally, not ever, but unfortunately, that’s unrealistic in this household.
When it’s time to get her into bed, I do it alone. Together, we huddle up under her duvet and read her favourite Mary Mishap book until her eyelids grow heavy and sleepy.
‘Did you have a lovely day, sweetheart?’ I whisper as I pop the book on the bedside table.
With a yawn, Penny nods, though her little face is all twisted. ‘Yes, but I wish Daddy had been there. He missed everything, the cake, the donkeys.’ Her big, blue eyes stare into mine. ‘Why did you tell me he was going to be there, when he wasn’t? He’s never there.’
It’s as if someone’s punched me in the gut, forcing all the wind out of me.
‘I - I’m sorry, darling.’ Gulping, the words stumble clumsily out of my mouth. ‘He wanted to be there, he just … he couldn’t be.’
That answer isn’t good enough for Penny, and she slumps beneath her duvet with her back turned and shoulders hunched up. I can’t say that I blame her, and yet, the sting of her disappointment is a knife in my chest as I whisper one last goodnight and carefully close the bedroom door.
Surprise, surprise, I discover Jerry in his study, playing some dumb game on his computer while he nurses a cool beer. He’s got his back to me, but surely he can sense I’m here, the tension in the air is utterly palpable, but he’s content to ignore me until I give up and walk away, as I usually do. Well, I refuse to do that this time.
‘I hope you’re happy,’ I spit the words across the room like poison darts.
‘I am, as a matter of fact.’ He swivels around on his chair to face me. ‘What’s your problem, Claire?’
‘My problem is that you made another promise to your daughter that you refused to keep, simply because you’d rather spend time with your mates.’
‘Christ, Claire, she’s eight years old. It’s not like I missed her bloody wedding, or something.’
‘So, what - because she’s a child, her time isn’t as important as yours?’
‘Well, yeah.’
Incredulous, I shake my head. ‘I can’t believe you, Jerry.’
‘I can’t believe you.’ Though he’s never, when he stands up and towers over me, I can’t help but flinch, just slightly. ‘You’re the one who’s changed, not me.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, ever since you started that stupid part-time job and made friends with that Mia woman, you’ve been different.’
The accusation isn’t a shock, he’s made no secret of his disdain for Mia since I met her. In his eyes, she’s a terrible influence on me, simply because she has her own tutoring business and owns her home - all without a husband. She did have one once, Darren, but he tragically passed away and since then, Mia’s had to handle life all by herself. She’s been dating lovely James since Christmas, but I doubt she’s in any rush to walk down the aisle, she enjoys her independence way too much. And maybe it’s time I take a leaf out of her book.
‘Yes, you’re right. I have changed.’
Jerry sighs and rubs at this forehead, a gesture that’s becoming a bit of a habit when he deigns to speak with me. Still, I’m taken aback when he lifts his head to reveal a big, bright grin.
‘Well, maybe a change will be good for us. There’s actually something I’ve been waiting to tell you, and I guess now is as good a time as any.’ That grin of his grows wider. ‘I’ve got a new job, with a new company car and a hefty pay raise, thank you very much.’
The revelation takes me off guard and utterly steals the wind out of my sails, which was probably Jerry’s intention. ‘O-oh. Well, that’s great.’ Be supportive, I remind myself, and steal a big gulp of his beer to cool down. ‘Erm, where is it? Out of town?’
Jerry chuckles guiltily. ‘Well, that’s the other surprise. It’s in Liverpool.’
I choke on my sip, spraying beer everywhere. ‘Pardon me?’
‘And get this - the new job is setting us up in a luxe apartment so instead of selling this old house, I’m renting it out so we’ll have a second income from that.’ Proudly, he folds his arms across his puffed-out chest, as pleased as punch. ‘I’ve already got some interest in the house, and since I start in two weeks, we can move up to Liverpool and get ourselves set up in the new place.’
I’m somewhere between collapsing in shock, bursting into tears, and punching Jerry square in the schnozz. ‘How long have you been planning this?’
‘It’s been in the works for a couple of months, I suppose.’ He shrugs. ‘What’s the big fuss? Liverpool is a busy place with lots going on, and you’ll love being in the city by all the shops, I know you will.’
‘What about Penny’s school, her friends? We can’t just uproot her with no warning.’
He scoffs. ‘It’s not like she’s taking exams or anything, Claire. Plus, she’ll make new friends.’
‘Well, what about my family?’
‘Cut the apron strings, babe. You’re a big girl now, you can stand to be a few hours away from Mummy and Daddy and Sister Dearest, can’t you?’
I take a deep, shuddering breath. ‘Jerry, I don’t want to leave Sunny Shore Bay. You made all these huge decisions without discussing it with me first.’
‘No offence, sweetheart, but you don’t really get a say in those matters.’
‘Well, I do get a say in my own life.’ My fists clenched at my sides, I stand my ground. ‘I’m not moving, and neither is Penny.’
It’s hard to stay standing tall when he literally laughs straight in my face. ‘Don’t be stupid.’
‘I’m not being stupid, Jerry. I’m telling you that we’re not leaving.’
‘Well, you can’t stay in the house,’ he asserts. ‘I won’t allow it. I’ve got some renters who are desperate to move in, and I’m not going to let you squat there for free.’
He’s got me on the ropes, he’s expecting me to give in, like I always do. It’s incredible, he’s threatening to kick his own daughter out of her home, and I know he’ll follow through with it too, just to make a point.
The next words that leave my mouth come as much as a shock to me as they do to him.
‘That’s fine, Jerry. Penny and I will find somewhere else to live, no problem.’
‘No problem? With what money, Claire? The pittance you make from your part-time job at your sister’s parlour?’ As he chortles, I shrink into myself, feeling so small and pathetic. ‘Face it, honey. You’re nothing without me.’
He’s never raised his hand to me, but those words hurt as much as if he’s slapped me across the face.
Somehow, I manage to dig deep down inside myself and find some guts. ‘We’ll see, won’t we?’
There’s a sickening silence as we wait to see who will pull the trigger first and who will surrender. And when it isn’t me, a horrible mixture of wrath and disgust melts across Jerry’s face.
‘Right, that’s it, then.’ He shakes his head and turns on his heel. ‘You lose.’
He stomps into the bedroom and proceeds to riffle through the closet, pulling out clothes and shoes until he unearths a large, leather overnight bag.
‘You’re really leaving?’ I linger in the doorway, my voice barely above a whisper. ‘You’re leaving your daughter with nowhere to live?’
‘Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. You want somewhere to live? Quit your whining and come with me.’
And for a second, I think I should. If I don’t do what Jerry says, he’ll leave me, he’s made that perfectly clear. And while I want to be strong and as independent as my friend, I’m terrified. I can’t cope without his income, without the house we’ve lived in for over a decade. Maybe I just need to button my lip and do as he says …
But how can I, when throughout our whole marriage, he’s treated me as if my opinion doesn’t matter? As if it’s my lot in life to simply go along with his every decision, never once questioning or disagreeing with the choices he makes for me. How can I when he treats Penny more like a doll than a daughter, something to be picked up and played with at will, then discarded when something better comes along?
Almost regretfully, I shake my head. ‘I can’t do that, Jerry.’
‘Well, then you’ve made your bed, haven’t you?’ He tosses the overnight bag across the room at me, and I quail out of its path. ‘You best start packing, because when I’m gone, you won’t be able to stay here. Good luck trying to find some other sap to provide for you.’
Furiously, he retrieves the bag he threw from the floor, and despite myself, I cower when he comes close.
‘Where are you going?’ I demand to know, the threat of vomit crawling up my throat.
‘A hotel. I’m not staying another minute in a house where I’m treated like some sort of criminal for having a day to myself.’
‘You’re not leaving?’ I squeak. ‘Now?’
‘For God’s sake, it’s one night in a hotel.’ He wrenches the front door open and callously strides down the front path. ‘I’m sure you’ll cope.’
Like a lost puppy, I skitter after him in my slippers. ‘But … what about Penny? She’ll wonder where you are in the morning.’ Tears spill down my cheeks. ‘What about me?’
‘I’m not prepared to have this discussion right now, Claire.’ Sighing, he kneads his temples, as if the whole ordeal is giving him a headache. ‘Look, we’ll talk tomorrow, okay? When we’ve both calmed down.’
And then he’s gone. The door slams shut and there’s no sound at all, except the muffled roar of his car driving away and my laboured breaths as my life falls apart around me …