Chapter Twenty
It’s an unseasonably cold morning as Penny and I take the well-worn stroll to school. I’ve really started to enjoy our walks together, when we used to take the car, I’d have the radio on and we’d be at the gates in less than five minutes. These days, we can take our time to soak in the scenery of our gorgeous little town and chat the whole way.
‘Zip up your coat, sweetie,’ I tell her. ‘It’s chilly today!’
With a melodramatic sigh that could rival the sass of a teenager, Penny does as she’s told and walks smartly ahead. She’s growing up so fast.
Soon, much sooner than I can stand, she won’t need me to walk her to school or tuck her into bed at night and read her storybooks. My chest aches at the painful realisation. How can I even consider getting involved with a new man when my little girl needs my support, now more than ever? She’s what’s most important, it would be selfish of me to follow my own heart when her little one must be hurting too.
After Penny has scuttled off to her class with her mates, I dispel melancholy musings of handsome historians and lighthouses and travel across town topick up Cassandra’s breakfast. Fresh coffee and a warm pastry in hand, I rock up to Cassi Queen ten minutes early. It hardly look like an office from the outside, housed in a Victorian-style building, it could have been plucked from a Charles Dickens novel, but a closer look reveals a gold plaque and buzzer next to the round red door, heralding the business within.
Things take a modern turn once you’re inside, the bright white walls are lined with glossy photographs of models garbed in Cassandra’s creations, and when you climb the staircase to the second floor, you’ll find yourself in the design studio. A bright, airy space with large arched windows casting light across the many rails of clothes and bolts of fabric piled on shelves, it definitely lends itself to artistry, and as I step inside, I feel inspired already.
‘Morning, Erin!’ I trill happily to my colleague, who is currently nose-deep in cutting a complex pattern in calico.
‘Hm,’ is the only response I get.
‘Is Cassandra in her office?’ Knowing an answer is unlikely to come soon, I stride across the studio and knock on the door in the corner.
‘Come in.’ My boss’ (feels crazy to say that - my boss!) voice echoes from inside.
I do as she says and enter the room, swinging the brown bag in my hand. ‘Morning, I bought your coffee and pastry.’
‘Oh, thank you, you”re a star! I really needed a dose of caffeine this morning.’ The moment I pass her the take-out cup she takes a big swig. ‘We’ve had the proofs back from the photographer for last week’s shoot, and I’m not sure which ones to use for the campaign.’
‘Do you mind if I take a look?’
In a swift motion, Cassandra turns her monitor around, her eyes glittering with an invisible smile. ‘Please.’
Dutifully, I scan through the stunning images of models in blue and silvery clothes of tulle and silk. I can see why she’s having trouble deciding, they all look fantastic. However, there’s over two hundred photographs in the folder, and we only need about twenty for the collection’s online launch.
‘Well, I really like this one of the two models leaping mid-air, it really shows the movement of the garments, you know? I think this would make a great image for the website’s slider.’ I point to a picture of one of the models posing alone, her back to the camera as she glances over her shoulder. ‘This one would be good for social media, it shows the pearl details on the back of the dress and will still look great thumbnail size.’
Cassandra nods along as I offer my explanations, seeming to listen carefully to each word. ‘Very good insight, Claire. I’ll take your comments into consideration.’
When I leave her office, I’m glowing all over. It’s nice to have someone listen, really listen, to my thoughts and ideas. I’m so used to not being taken seriously, by anyone. Even Mia, my best mate, used to think my problems were asinine and nothing compared to what some people have to struggle with. And after a while, I started to believe that too, that I had no reason to complain about my loveless marriage, my miserable, purposeless life.
At lunchtime, I take my regular spot at the large table in the break room. Listlessly, I gaze out of the bay window, out over the busy little town. I wonder what Noah is doing right now, is he in his office at the historical society’s headquarters, answering emails and typing up documents? Or perhaps he’s in our secret space, the lighthouse, searching through Henry’s things, eager to uncover the missing log …
When Erin pulls out the chair next to me and it scrapes across the tiled floor, I almost jump out of my skin.
‘Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting something,’ she asks, her tone peppered with something like suspicion.
‘No, you’re not at all,’ I reply, my voice feeling far away somehow.
Lips pursed, she studies me, head tilted to one side. ‘What’s the problem?’
Perturbed, I sit up straight in my chair. ‘No problem, I’m just looking forward to eating my croissant!’ I reach for the crumbly pastry, but Erin won’t let up.
‘I can see that. But there’s something wrong with you, I can tell.’
I think about lying again, but it’s clear Erin isn’t going to give in. Besides, I could do with an outsider’s perspective. ‘Just some stuff in my personal life, I guess.’
‘Relationship trouble?’
I let out a short snort of amusement. ‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Kind of.’
‘Well, trouble is putting it lightly.’ Resting my chin on my hand, I release a deep sigh, one that feels as though I’ve been holding it in for hours. ‘My husband and I separated a few weeks ago, and I’m just worried about how my daughter is taking it.’
Erin takes a bite of her sandwich, nodding in time with her chewing. ‘She’s upset?’
‘She doesn’t act upset, but I caught her pretending to have a phone call with her dad. I know she misses him, but he hasn’t been in touch at all. I’m not sure what to do for the best, should I reach out to him, or just leave it and help Penny cope with the abandonment? I don’t want to get her hopes up.’
‘Hm, I wish I had better advice for you than just to wait and see what happens. It’s a complicated situation.’
Toying with the lid of my flask, I debate over whether I should come out with the next part of the problem. Although she’s not particularly warm, something about Erin makes me feel comfortable enough to share. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because her straightforward, no-fluff attitude reminds me of my sister Kat.
‘Made even more complicated by the fact that I … well, I’ve started to gain feelings for someone else.’
Fully engaged, Erin leans in, eyes bright with the prospect of more gossip. ‘Oh, really?’
A crestfallen, drawn-out breath escapes me. ‘Really. The timing couldn’t be worse. I mean, this guy is fantastic, he’s interesting, considerate, he listens to me, and I’m pretty sure he likes me too.’ The admission raises a blush on my cheeks, and I hunch my shoulders to disguise it. ‘Talk about meeting the right one at the wrong time!’
‘But is it the wrong time?’ Erin responds pertly. ‘Maybe he came into your life for a reason.’
I don’t know what to say to that, so instead, I laugh her off. ‘You don’t strike me as being the kind of girl who’s into fate and destiny and all that new-age malarkey.’
Sipping from her sparkling water, Erin shrugs. ‘People can surprise you.’
We eat the rest of our lunch in companionable silence, though the thoughts in my head are screaming so loud, I almost expect Erin to be able to hear them. Perhaps she has a point, perhaps Noah entered my life at precisely the right moment …
I shake my head so violently, that Erin looks up from her granola and yoghurt, frowning. No. I couldn’t pursue things with Noah, I just couldn’t. I’ll always put Penny first, and right now, she needs my full attention. Besides, I can’t leap into a new relationship, I haven’t even filed for divorce yet. What would Jerry say?
I have to wrestle the urge to shake my head a second time. Why am I even thinking about Jerry? I hate that I’m still fretting over his opinions, when they have no bearing over my life any longer. He shut that door when he swanned off to Liverpool without us, with not a word of warning and no word since.
That part of my life is over, I’m no longer the stay-at-home wife living off her husband’s wealth. I’m a working single mum - soon to be a Ms, not a Mrs - and while the transition isn’t easy, I’m sure I’m on the right track. I love working at Cassi Queen, and Penny and I don’t need a man in the picture to be a family. We’re doing great on our own, or at least we will be, once I’ve scraped some cash together for a deposit on a flat, then we’ll truly be able to start our lives anew. At the moment, we’re sort of in limbo, straddled between what was and what could be, but I have to trust that it will all work out as it’s supposed to.
Staying in Sunny Shore Bay was definitely the right decision. And yet, my stomach curls at the finality of it all, the end of everything I knew. Can I truly let my marriage, my daughter’s father, the life we once lived, go and move on? Or will there always be an invisible string tethering me to the past, refusing to let me go …