Chapter 15
15
FIVE DAYS BEFORE HE LEFT ME
Once I’ve calmed and the red fear has diluted, Kit leads me across rock pools and pebbles towards what looks like another dead end. He’s holding my hand, a smile on his face as I look to the cliff faces towering high above us.
‘Ready for my magic trick?’ he asks.
I frown, but I can’t help but feel that little zing of excitement that being with Kit always held. He takes my other hand, walking backwards. ‘Abracadabra,’ he says, his voice all exaggerated magic and mayhem.
Just behind him, hidden from view of the sea and the alcove above, is a small entrance to a cave. The opening is about half the size of a normal household door, jagged rocks stacked around it like dominos. Water is only lapping at the entrance, just a caress, the tide nudging rather than consuming the dark slate.
I step forwards into the chamber.
‘Wow.’
Inside, sound is distorted, not quite an echo, more an insinuation of sound. Light filters through from the entrance, bouncing off the peaks of the waves and onto the pale grey walls, a continuation of the rhythm of the sea shimmering on the rock’s surface. Stalactites fall from the roof.
‘Beautiful, right?’ Kit says.
My heart is pounding in my chest; the taste of something sour in my throat pushes against the surrounding beauty as a thought careers through me: this is the perfect place to hide. There is no way to get to it by sea, only by the route we’ve just taken.
I wonder if he could have planned all of this. Parked at a car park so he would be seen, hiked a well-known path so far away from here that we were looking in the wrong place.
The thought feels so ludicrous, that Kit, my Kit would concoct such a plan. I look around me. There is so much that could have gone wrong if Kit came here that day. He could have fallen. The tide could have come in too quickly and he could have drowned. There are so many possibilities, and yet… I think about the note, the man in the mist the morning of my wedding, the receipt, and somewhere deep in my bones, I know this place has something to do with the night he goes missing.
But if he’s planning to hide here, then why show me now? There is only one answer I can think of… he’s not planning it at all, at least, not yet.
He climbs up a small ledge, reaching out his hand, helping me up. Above us there are shelves and shelves of small smooth ledges, as though they have been carved specifically like manmade bunkers. I follow his lead towards a narrow alleyway between two shelves. ‘You OK to go through?’ he asks, checking on me again while I continue to try and take a hold of my thoughts. I’m trying to realign images of that night, picturing him forcing his way through the narrow ledge, not falling to his death five miles from here.
‘Yeah,’ I reply, my throat tight, packed with all the things I need to ask him. I look at the narrowing walls. I’ve never suffered with claustrophobia; if anything, I was more afraid of wide open spaces when I was a child, but life with Kit fixed that. Kit showed me how to take risks, how to enjoy everything the world had to offer. ‘I’m fine.’
He beams at me. ‘Good, because you’re going to want to see this.’
We crouch down. Kit passes me a head torch from his bag, the two beams bouncing ahead of us like overexcited puppies, as we follow the path, our bodies ducked to half their height. All the sound inside this tunnel is amplified: our breath, the movement of our clothing against the rock, the scratch of our backpacks against the roof. It takes about ten minutes until light begins to step towards us, until we eventually break free of the tunnel’s restraints and out into a cavern. It’s huge: high walls, high roof, light splitting the darkness in a solid beam of gold from above. It’s like a scene from The Goonies . I can imagine a pirate ship stranded in the pool of blue water. There is even a small waterfall, the water hitting the pool with a gentle rush.
‘Wow.’ The word echoes, a gentle whisper. Kit smiles at my reaction. He’s never happier than when he’s impressed me. My eyes roam around the cavern, my fingers sliding down the soft walls; the passing of time has moulded the sharp edges into smooth grooves. The stone is lighter here, a mink-grey. My eyes track the surroundings, landing on a smaller pool further up. Water pours in like its being poured from a jug.
‘Want to take a dip?’ he asks. My whole body is alight with questions.
‘Yes.’ I’m slightly breathless. ‘Yes, I do.’
We undress, pulling on our wetsuits. The sunlight beams down onto the smaller pool and as I step into the water, it’s lukewarm through the material. This place is deep within the rocks, the caves above sheltered from the wind, from the outdoors. The light is focused on the pool, warming it so that it feels more like a cold bath than the freezing temperatures that wild swimming brings.
The water comes up to my thigh, as I step in. Kit’s wetsuit is unzipped, arms hanging down from his waist, his broad shoulders visible above the water line. I lean back, letting my hair dip. He puts his face in, dunking his head under, erupting back up, shaking the water from his hair.
‘How did you find this place?’ I ask. My voice feels like it’s tipped with diamonds, clear and sharp.
I’m leaning against him, his arms around me, his back against the wall. From this vantage point, it looks like an infinity pool.
‘Luck,’ he says.
‘Really?’
‘No.’ He laughs. ‘I dropped my phone. It bounced through the crack in the rocks, I followed it and it led me here.’ We’re quiet, both lost in thought. ‘It would be a great place to spend a few days hiding out, though, don’t you think?’ The water suddenly feels cold. ‘You know, if you wanted to escape the rat race, be at one with nature .’ He puts on a hippy voice, joking.
‘Why would you want to escape?’ I ask quietly, pulse racing.
‘Everyone needs to escape at some time in their lives, Liv. We all need space from time to time.’
‘But what if something happened down here? Nobody would be able to find you.’ Maybe that’s what happened. He was injured here: hit his head, lost his memory…
‘True, but what a place to be stranded, eh?’ He kisses the top of my head, but his words keep repeating themselves in my head: great place to spend a few days hiding out.
Did Kit purposely come here to hide? And if he did, then what or who was he hiding from ?
I picture the days that followed. Was he hiding? Did he feel me and James searching for him close by? Did he care?
I wish James was here.
The thought comes into my mind, a yearning for the man I’ve spent the best part of the past decade with. He would love it in here too.
‘Have you ever brought James here?’
‘James?’ he responds, curious.
‘Yeah, I was just thinking he might like it here.’
He’s quiet from behind me. ‘Maybe,’ he responds.
We stay in the pool for a while, letting our bodies relax and recuperate before Kit tells me we need to get back. The waterfall has begun to fill out, the pool now an inch or so higher than before.
I follow Kit’s lead back through the tunnel. The sea is filling up the smaller cave, the ledges that were high up now only skirting the water’s surface.
We wade through, the sea up to my thighs already. The flicker of panic diluted by Kit guiding me.
As we exit the cave back into the sun, I turn my back, picturing this place, a blank space in my answers around Kit’s disappearance now starting to feel secure in my mind.
There is no other way out from this cove other than up. Kit harnesses me.
‘You ready? I’ll be right with you,’ he says smiling and looking deep into my eyes. I nod, feeling that oh so familiar and yet distant feeling of always being safe when I was with him, no matter how high we climbed, no matter how far we fell or jumped or dived. I nod and begin the climb.