Epilogue
EPILOGUE
SEVEN YEARS AFTER I CAME BACK
The climbing wall is busy this morning. Infant schools are out for Easter and squeals of excitement are made all the louder when mixed with ‘Take on Me’ playing loudly on the radio. I’m bending down, attaching the harness. Phoebe’s eyes are fierce.
‘Hurry up, Uncle Kit! I’m going to be the last to the top.’ She scowls and I see James beneath the pigtails. ‘No you won’t, and it’s not about being first, it’s about?—’
‘Taking part.’ She rolls her eyes as I untwist the straps.
‘Uncle Kit?’
‘Hmmm?’ I ask, wrenching the material out of the fastener.
‘What’s optomi… op-toe-mist?’
‘Optimist?’
She nods, then twists her head towards the wall impatiently.
‘Where did you hear that word?’
‘Mummy says that’s why you went to prison.’ I thread the untangled strap back through and run the fastener up, smiling.
‘It means someone who always thinks that something good is going to happen even if the truth is that, sometimes, you have to think of the risks too. ’
‘Are you still an opt… toe. Mist?’
‘Well, I suppose so, I like to hope for the very best in life, but sometimes, just being good at something is enough.’
‘Grandad Mac says you’re an arse but I’m not allowed to say that because it’s a rude word even though I can say it when it’s just me and him and Grandad Stan.’
I give the harness a little tug. ‘Well I am a bit of an arse,’ I say quietly then put my fingers to my lips. She beams at me, then and my heart melts a little that I lost so much time with her when she was younger, that I wasn’t there to hold her when she was a baby. But I’m here now. Kit Palmer, ex-convict, ex tax-dodger, ex-gambler; uncle.
During my seven years on the run, I learnt so much about people. The people who are caring, who offer you a cup of tea on a cold day, a job without questions being asked, or a bed for the night if they can see you’re struggling. And, OK, you see the very worst of people, too, right? Looks of superiority when you ask for work, or if your shoes have seen better days, people who give you a sideways glance when you’re counting change in the queue for a drink.
There were so many times I turned back, when I picked up the phone just to hear Liv’s voice, to ask my brother for help, that I wished with all of my heart that I could turn the clock back and stop myself from ever leaving, from ever placing that first bet. But the shame of what I had done always stopped me.
‘Ready?’ I ask Phoebe, her hair swinging as she nods, securing her foot on the blue rung, her face a picture of concentration, her lips in a small pout. I stand back as she climbs the wall with ease, a look of joy and triumph as she reaches the top and looks down at me for my approval.
‘She’s a firecracker, that one.’ Nate joins me, looping a rope through his hands .
I scratch the back of my hair. ‘She sure is.’
Since being released, I’ve been astounded by the human capacity to forgive. Liv and James, my parents and even Becky and Nate. After everything I put them all through, they’ve been by my side.
Phoebe is sitting at the top of the wall now, chatting to one of her friends, her head leaning forward conspiratorially, hand covering her mouth as she says something that makes her friend’s eyes widen before she dissolves into laughter. I’d hazard a guess that the word arse has just been fired.
I let Phoebe have another half an hour until I tell her we need to go home.
Her small hand is in mine and she skips along the path from the climbing centre to her house. It’s about a twenty-minute walk back but it takes half an hour as ‘we are not allowed to step on the cracks’. I hop skip and jump my way home, the sun warm on my body, my face on display to anyone who walks by. I say hello to any dog walkers and joggers. It’s like a new addiction, this feeling of being free.
The sun is warm on my back, her small hand clammy.
And, OK, I know this isn’t like a big red-letter day, but I don’t take even one minute for granted.
We knock on the door, Phoebe balancing on one leg, having made it five seconds without putting her foot down when Liv opens the door.
‘Hello, you two, have fun?’
‘We did. I got to the top really, really fast and Uncle Kit told me he’s an arse. Can I have a chocolate bar?’ She rushes past, stopping next to her mother’s gigantic stomach, giving it a kiss, then runs along the hallway.
‘Careful, your dad’s just polished it.’ In answer she changes her run into a slide, and careers into the kitchen. James picks her up and lifts her onto his shoulders.
‘Hello, peanut, have fun?’
‘The best.’
‘Knackered you out?’ James asks me.
‘Not yet.’
‘Thanks for taking her.’ Liv smiles.
‘You look good,’ I say and it’s the truth. Motherhood suits her, and there is still the same fire in her that I fell in love with in the way she treats Phoebe, encouraging her to try new things, letting her have just enough freedom.
‘You’re still full of shit. I look like a whale.’
‘Did the monster behave for you?’ James asks walking towards us.
‘Daddy!’ She leans over his face.
‘Steady,’ he replies lifting her down and plonking her on the floor.
‘She was fine – quite the climber.’
‘Yeah well, Liv’s been taking her since she was three.’
‘You all set for tonight?’ he asks, arms around Liv’s shoulders. She leans into him.
‘Yep. You still coming?’
‘We wouldn’t miss it for the world.’ She smiles at me. ‘Mum is coming over to look after Phoebes. At least she will be if the weather holds.’ She glances behind me to where the sun is still beating down. ‘The forecast is good but Ava is on standby… just in case, so don’t worry, we’ll be there.’
‘Unless…’ James nods to Liv’s stomach.
‘We’ll be there.’ She bats him away. ‘I’m not due for another four weeks,’ Liv replies but in all honesty, I can’t see how she can possibly continue to grow for another month.
‘I’d best get going,’ I say stepping back .
Phoebe is holding her mum’s legs, hands cupped around her mouth, whispering something to her unborn brother.
‘What do you say to your uncle?’ James prompts.
‘Thank you.’ She steps forwards and hugs me. ‘I like you. Even if you’re an arse.’
‘Phoebe!’ Liv’s face reddens but I laugh.
‘She’s astute.’
‘Too astute,’ she replies, eyes watching her daughter hurrying up the stairs.
‘No such thing.’ I step back. ‘See you later.’
They close the door behind me and I tilt my face to the sky with a smile.
The community centre is busy, I take another sip of water as more members flood in. James and Liv are here; Dad is fetching a better chair for Mum. I wasn’t sure she’d come, but it looks like Dad talked her around. Her relationship with James is improving. Once Phoebe came along, after I was sent down, something in her softened… or maybe she simply wasn’t happy letting Mac take all the grandparent glory.
Losing that last time at the races was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt like dirt before I knocked on my parents’ door, but I honestly didn’t know what to else to do. My parents have always had my back. They would help me get out of the mess I was in, but when Mum opened the door and I saw her on crutches, when she told me how it happened, I knew I had to get out. When I left, I was ready to tell Liv everything, until I saw Kane. I was convinced that Liv would be next if I didn’t find the money.
I glance back over at Liv and James .
Watching them together gives me hope.
I hope that one day I will have what they have. There is no jealousy. The man I was when I was with Liv is very different to the man I am now.
Liv told me that she had the strangest experience the morning of her wedding. As time passes, she says she wonders if it happened at all, that she spent a week with me before I left everyone I loved behind. James believes her. He says he doesn’t understand it, doesn’t know how it could happen but he believes in Liv, and if she thinks it happened then it happened. And OK, obviously I joked that I wish I’d gone back, at least I’d have known which horse to bet on! But in all seriousness, I sometimes wish I could have gone back, had the chance to put it all right, but then again, everything happens for a reason.
I take another sip of water, standing off stage, behind the heavy blue curtains. My sponsor, Helena, walks to the microphone and thanks everyone for coming.
‘Some of you will know Kit.’ She tucks her blonde hair behind her ear. ‘But for some of you, this may be the very beginning of your journey. Kit has been in recovery for fourteen years, and today marks the anniversary of the day that changed his life. So without further ado, I’m going to pass you over. Kit Palmer, everyone.’
There is clapping as I walk on stage. It feels kind of ridiculous that I should be getting a round of applause, and yet the sound makes me smile as I look onto my friends, my family, and the addicts who can’t see a way out.
I wait for calm to settle and lean forwards towards the microphone.
‘I first placed a bet, the year I broke my leg,’ I begin. I’m not nervous. I’ve told this story before, but I do feel humbled, that these people think they can learn from my mistakes .
‘A free bet. I was bored, fed up of being stuck inside, and I thought what harm can it do? What. Harm. Can. One. Free. Bet. Do?’
There is a rumble, a mixture of saddened laughter and mmms of understanding.
‘For the majority of people, there would be no harm done, but for someone arrogant…’ I quirk a smile. ‘Arrogant enough to believe they can beat the odds. It can destroy your life, and the lives of those around you.
‘I told myself I was in control. I wasn’t losing enough to affect my day-to-day life. I had a hard line, or so I told myself.
‘But that hard line began to wobble. I started faking my gambling accounts, getting more free bets; I started claiming expenses from my business account that weren’t the business lunches I claimed them to be. You’d be surprised how easy it is to pick up a bill left on a table in an expensive restaurant. A group of five people with a bill of three hundred, four hundred. I wasn’t doing anything wrong; there was no harm done. Nobody would miss those receipts.
‘I’d take the exact amount on the receipts out in cash. And go to whichever betting office was closest.
‘I still had this hard line though. It wasn’t as though I was losing money. I was keeping my business afloat; I was doing well. At least on the outside.’
Another murmur from the crowd. ‘And the optimist in me, would promise me all kinds of things. I knew I was in trouble but I was hopeful. Optimism told me that I could get myself out.
‘But I couldn’t.
‘Instead, I borrowed another chunk, then another, then another. My debt got sold to a new loan shark. And this man meant business. So… then I borrowed from an old friend.’
Becca is holding Nate’s hand. She gives me a little ‘go on’ nod .
‘She was grieving, had lost her mum. I convinced to her to invest in my company. “Look!” I said to her. “Look at how much money I can make you, look at my accounts, aren’t they great?” And they were, from the outside, everything looked fine. I had that hard line, you see.
‘I was going to pay back the loan shark with some of that money, then I was going to stop. But the optimism was back. If I put all of that money on more bets, I’d be in the clear. I could save myself.
‘But I lost it all in the space of two hours.’
I take a pause. People shift in their seats; there is a muted cough from a man in the front row.
‘Loan sharks are called sharks for a reason. They circle around you, keeping their heads below water. They watch your movements, and then…’ I glance at Mum. ‘They start taking bites. Because the thing is, loan sharks are predators and they are never satisfied, they will come for another bite and another and when there is nothing left of you, they will move on to those around you.’
The room stills. Alan drops an arm around Mum’s shoulders, her head still held high despite the truth being told to a room full of strangers.
‘I had no way out. I couldn’t pay them back. I contemplated ending it all, ending my life and then it came to me. I could end my life… at least the one Kit Palmer had been living.
‘So,’ I continue, placing the microphone back in the holder, ‘I lied to my girlfriend. I packed my bags knowing what I was about to do. I let her believe I was fine, better than fine, actually. I was full of life. But I knew she’d be better off without me. They’d all be better off if I was dead.
‘Some of you may remember the search for me, seeing the coastguards looking for my body. Some of you may have seen my family, standing waiting for my body to be retrieved. Some of you may be thinking there is no way out. But there is.
‘Ask for help. Live in the now. Not the past where all of your mistakes are, not the future where you see yourself winning that big bet, but now.
‘The present is such a gift. Living is such a gift. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. You’ve all been braver than I have ever been, because you’re all here.
‘This is your first step to a better life. To a life worth living. A life worth keeping.’
The audience claps. People are standing, shaking my hand as I walk down the steps into the room. Dad pulls me into an embrace, wiping tears from his eyes.
And then I see her.
She’s smiling, her head tilted, brown eyes challenging. Dark hair over her shoulder.
I walk over to her, noticing the smug smile on Liv’s face as she sees my expression. I stand in front of her, not knowing what to say.
She puts out her hand. ‘Hi, I’m Aria and you are?’
I take her hand in mine, feel the way it fits perfectly in my own. ‘Kit,’ I say. ‘Kit Palmer.’
‘Well,’ she replies, chewing the inside of her cheek before breaking out into the smile that I love so much. ‘It’s good to finally meet you, Kit Palmer.’