37. James
Chapter 37
James
I ’d wondered how to approach the subject with April—if I even wanted to bring it up at all. My relationship with Lucas is my issue, and I don’t want it to influence how anyone else feels about him. He did a shitty thing, no doubt, but in the end, it was my choice to keep him in my life, however distant that relationship might be. I could choose to dwell on the past and let it eat me alive, or I could choose to accept it and find peace somewhere else. It was just easier that way. I didn’t have to like him, but I could be civil, for everyone else’s sake. Not that the prick deserved it.
This was never how I wanted April to find out about Lucas and Abigail. It’s not that I intended on keeping it from her forever, I just felt that it wasn’t the right time, and it’s a subject I hate revisiting. The woman I thought I loved—the woman I thought I wanted to marry —was shagging my fucking brother.
Had I not found out, I don’t know if it would’ve ever stopped, or if they would’ve just kept going, my ring on her finger or no.
When I heard that April and Lucas had called off their engagement, the alarm bells instantly began ringing. Even though I hadn’t spent much time getting to know her while she was with Lucas, we communicated enough for me to figure out that she was a kind person and far too good for him. It was clear he didn’t deserve her.
April wouldn’t end a relationship over something as trivial as lack of communication. I can tell she’s the kind of person who is all in, that she would try everything to make it work. She’s loyal. And when she told me about finding the messages on his hidden account, I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Not after witnessing his appalling behaviour at their engagement party.
I wrap my arms around April, squeezing her tight, and press a kiss to her temple. Her touch is like a gentle wave washing over the shore, and everything from the past evaporates. She’s all I want to focus on.
“James, I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
Gently, I cradle her face in my hands, tilting her head so our eyes meet. “Don’t be sorry for me,” I murmur, brushing my thumbs lightly across her cheeks. “I’m okay. It was a long time ago now.”
As I lower my hands, she turns towards the kitchen, and I watch as she opens the bin and tosses the bouquet inside. Releasing a huff, she drifts towards the sofa, and I trail behind, sinking into the cushions beside her. I shift closer to pull her into me, securing my arms around her. She leans back into my chest, and I take a deep inhale, soaking in the smell of her sweet shampoo.
“Who else knows?”
“The guys know,” I say.
“And your parents?”
I exhale, shaking my head. “No, not my parents. I can handle a fractured relationship with my brother. I can pretend we’re fine for Mum’s sake, because I don’t think she could handle the truth. It would crush her, and I just … I can’t do that to her.” I press my lips to April’s hair. “She already hates that we aren’t close. She knows things are fragile between us and assumes it’s just because we’re so different, but if she ever found out the real reason … I can’t even imagine what it would do to her.”
April stays silent, her head tilted back and her light blue eyes locked on mine.
“I’m sorry you have to pretend,” she says, drawing languid circles across my forearm with her delicate fingertips.
“I’ve accepted it now,” I say, giving her a squeeze. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him, but I’ve learned to let it go—for my own sake. I don’t want to be the reason there’s tension in the family, and I don’t need the constant reminder of what he did. She wasn’t worth the fight, and neither is he. Losing me as a brother? That’s his punishment. He’ll have to live with that every day—and now, with what he’s done to you as well.”
She shakes her head slowly. “It’s not the same, James. He’s your brother.”
“Isn’t it, though?” I ask. “Whether he’s my brother or not, he was about to be your family too.”
She hesitates, her eyes searching mine. “And what about us?”
“What about us, sweetheart?”
“This … what’s happening with you and me.” She gestures between us. “What will your mum think about it?”
I blow out a breath, leaning my head back against the cushions. “Mum loves you, April. Did you know that? I could see it in the way she would look at you, the way she still talks about you. She was devastated when you and Lucas broke up. She doesn’t know the real reason?—”
“I’m not sure I’d want her to know,” April murmurs.
I nod in understanding. “But us …,” I say, “I think she could come around to it. I think she could be happy for us. It might be a bit strange at first, especially during holidays with Lucas.”
“Are we spending the holidays together?”
“Yes,” I reply without a second thought.
“How would it work? What would it look like?” she asks, worrying her brows.
I shrug. “We always have Christmas at Mum and Dad’s, so I don’t think this year would be any different.”
She rolls her lips. “Won’t Lucas be staying there?”
“Yeah, he will.” She shoots me a nervous look, and I rub her shoulder. “And the first time, it’ll be weird. But it’s not like we can hide forever. I want you in my life, April. He’ll need to get used to it. We’re going to have to face them at some point.”
“What if they don’t want me there?” she whispers, not sounding entirely convinced.
I give her a small smile. “Of course they’d want you there.”
She shifts in my arms, twisting her body to face me. “What if they think this is wrong? That we’re wrong?”
I trace my hand down her arm. “We’re grown adults. I won’t let their opinion affect what we decide to do … as a couple.”
The words slip out before I have a chance to consider them. But when it comes to her, I don’t want to wait. I know what I want. My family can accept it, or not. It’s their choice. But this is mine. She is mine. And I’m not letting her go.
“A couple?”
“If you’re okay with that?” My heart pounds and I feel ridiculous—like a nervous teenager asking their crush out for the first time.
She grins and her eyes warm. “I’m okay with that.”
“Good.”
April’s face mirrors what I feel in my chest, her face whimsical as she waves her hand between us. “So … this is really happening?”
Fuck, yes, this is really happening. I brush my nose against her head. “You’re in my blood now, April. Every song I play, I hear you in it. I feel you in the spaces between every word I speak. No one’s ever affected to me like this. Being around you, feeling this way … it’s as natural as breathing. I can’t close my eyes without seeing your face or hearing your voice. You’re under my skin, April. So yeah. This is really happening.”
I squeeze her tighter as her deep blue eyes lock on mine. That look. Right there. The happiness, the softness, the joy and utter delight in her eyes. I wish I could capture it, frame it, and hold on to it forever.
The rest of the world falls away as I pull her closer, my hands eager to worship all of her.