33 Julia
33
Julia
August, 2002 – Paris
Julia stretched her legs and tried to find a comfortable position. The waiting room at the H?pital Saint-Antoine was almost deserted. She’d been here for hours. There’d been no sign of Daniel. With only room in the ambulance for one person, he’d told her to go with Christoph.
The doctor came over. ‘Julia, is it?’ he said, consulting his notes. ‘I understand you were with Christoph when he was brought in?’
‘Yes, how is he?’
‘We’ve managed to stabilize him,’ he said, ‘but he’s still very weak. We think he suffered a severe panic attack. Do you know what might have caused it?’
Julia thought of Daniel, telling Christoph that Sylvie had died. ‘He’d just received some distressing news, and then he struggled to breathe.’
The doctor jotted something down on the clipboard. ‘His white blood cell count is high. I’d like to do some more tests. You mentioned last night that he’d recently been discharged from hospital in Germany?’
‘Yes. He collapsed with malnutrition and dehydration. And he’s been suffering from confusion and memory loss. Could this be connected, do you think?’
‘Possibly,’ the doctor said. ‘I’ll see if we can get his notes from Bonn. Meanwhile, I need to keep him here, until we know the underlying causes for his weakness. He’s complaining of a pain in his stomach. Then perhaps we can transfer him back to the hospital in Bonn once he’s stable.’
Julia went to see Christoph. He lay ensconced in pillows. Tubes ran from his body into machines that hummed and flickered with lights.
‘Julia, is that you?’ He tried to smile, then winced, clutching his stomach.
‘How do you feel?’ Julia said.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said weakly. ‘Just tell me he’s wrong. Tell me she could still be alive.’
Julia took his hand. ‘I don’t know. Daniel seemed very certain.’
Christoph closed his eyes. ‘I’d know if she’d died, Julia, I’m sure of it. We have to find out. If only I could remember her surname …’
‘Christoph,’ she said gently. ‘You need to stay here until you’re well enough to be transferred to Bonn. I’ve got to head back to the UK soon.’ She stroked his hand; his skin was as thin as paper. ‘We might have to stop our search for now.’
Christoph’s face skewed with pain. He clutched her hand. ‘But you must stay. I can’t stop now. I remember having a terrible argument with Sylvie. I was so jealous of a man she met in the café, of finding the Kommandant’s gloves in her room. It wasn’t the same after Normandy and I said some terrible things. Please. I need to know what happened next.’
‘Oh, Christoph,’ she said, torn. ‘I promised Sebastian I’d go back and get ready for Salzburg.’
These were excuses, and she knew it. There might be demands on her time, contracts to be honoured, a career to salvage, but the thought of abandoning Christoph caused a dull ache in her chest.
‘I need your help, Julia,’ Christoph said.
He winced and clutched his stomach again. Julia couldn’t bear it. The news of Sylvie’s death had raised more questions than it had answered.
Daniel had been standing outside the hospital, hunched by the bike racks, hands in his pockets. Their brief kiss flashed in his mind. If he hadn’t caught sight of the recipe book, what would have happened next? But he had seen it, and it was as if the kiss had never happened.
‘How is he?’ he said, once inside the hospital. ‘I’ve been up all night, worrying.’
‘You should have come with us. I’ve just been speaking to the doctor. They think last night was a panic attack, but they’re concerned about the results of his blood tests, and he’s got a terrible pain in his stomach. They want to look into it further.’
‘It was awful last night,’ Daniel said.
He looked wretched, but if Daniel hadn’t told Christoph about Sylvie, he wouldn’t have collapsed. ‘The doctor said that it was shock that made him panic. He couldn’t cope with what you told him, Daniel.’
Daniel stared down at his feet. ‘I was trying to protect him.’
‘He’s in hospital, Daniel. Your words put him here.’
His eyes darted up. ‘That’s unfair. I had to tell him.’
Julia gripped the strap of her bag. ‘Not like that. It was such a shock.’
Daniel rubbed his eyes; they were smudged with shadow. ‘I feel terrible. But I couldn’t keep it from him,’ he said. ‘I wish you’d told me the real reason we were in Paris. You led him on and got his hopes up about Sylvie. Not me.’
‘I didn’t get his hopes up,’ Julia said firmly. ‘There was no expectation of what we’d discover. I was enabling him to process the memories in his own time. You catapulted him into a reality he wasn’t ready for.’
Daniel sighed. ‘Yes, I see that now. I just wish I’d known what you were both doing.’
‘Did your mum mention anything about Sylvie’s surname? I wondered if it was on the letter. At least, if we knew that, we could check about her death.’
‘I’m sorry, Julia, I don’t remember,’ he said, glancing at the floor. ‘I just want all this to stop. Our family has been through so much: you don’t know what it was like being the only child of two unhappy parents. It’s just Papa and I left now. He’s very old, Julia, and who knows how long I have left with him. I just wanted to spend some peaceful, happy times with him. I didn’t want all this strife from the past to reappear and unsettle everything again.’
Julia’s heart constricted.
‘I understand it must have been hard, but like you said, we don’t know how long he has left. If he wants to use this time to remember, we have to support him.’ She glanced at the hospital. ‘Look, I’m heading back to the hotel to get his things before we check out tomorrow. Could you sit with him while I’m gone?’
Daniel nodded, his brow creased. ‘Of course. I’d like to tell him I’m sorry for how it all came out last night.’
Christoph hadn’t brought much to Paris. Julia folded his shirts and placed them in his suitcase, followed by his trousers, a couple of jumpers and the guidebook of Paris. Soon the wardrobe was empty.
As she lifted the lid of the suitcase, something slid in the lining. Julia worked her fingers around the edges and found a rip where the stitches had come loose.
She took hold of what felt like string and pulled. Out of the hole came a luggage label, from which dangled a small iron key. The writing on the fob read: Apartment 14 . Next to the words was an ink drawing of a shepherd’s crook.
What did it open? A chest, a door, a house? Why was the key in the lining of Christoph’s case?
Questions flickered through her mind. Was the key connected to Sylvie?
The telephone in Julia’s room rang. She clutched the key in her hand and went to answer it. It was her sister, Anna.
‘Where have you been?’ Anna said. ‘I kept ringing last night, but they said you weren’t in. I’ve been worried sick.’
Julia caught sight of her face in the dressing-table mirror. She had dark rings around her eyes, and her hair was scrunched up in a messy ponytail.
‘I’m sorry, I was at the hospital. Christoph collapsed again.’
‘Oh my goodness, Julia. Is he all right?’
Julia sighed. ‘No, not really. He’s going to be in there for a while.’
‘What will you do?’ Anna said. ‘Are you still planning to go to Salzburg?’
‘I told Sebastian I’d come back and start practising, but I’m not sure it’ll do any good.’
‘What do you mean?’
Julia swallowed hard.
‘I’ve fallen out of love with the music.’ There, she’d said it. ‘Or rather, it’s fallen out of love with me. I’m terrified of playing, Anna. How can I go to Salzburg feeling like that?’
Her throat tightened with a sense of loss. She wanted to play at her best and be respected for it. But now, it seemed that was impossible.
‘Besides,’ Julia continued, swallowing her tears, ‘I don’t know if I can leave Christoph now.’
Anna was silent for a moment. ‘Don’t tell Sebastian any of that,’ she said. ‘It might jeopardize your career if he knows how you really feel about music.’
‘What shall I do then?’ The thought of Sebastian turning up again in Paris, on top of everything else, was unbearable.
‘Surely Tanja can cover one more concert. The music world will respect you for looking after Christoph – he was your mentor, after all,’ Anna said. ‘Tell Sebastian you’ll be back in time for the Elisabeth competition recording. Even better, he can arrange for you to do that in Bonn. You have to at least try and get through the first round. Just don’t burn your bridges. You’ve worked too hard to throw it all away.’
Julia bit her thumbnail. ‘I can’t tell Sebastian I’m missing another concert. He’ll go crazy.’
‘Then let me to speak to him. Don’t come back until you’re ready. You concentrate on Christoph and I’ll sort Sebastian out.’
A weight rolled off Julia’s shoulders. ‘Thank you, Anna.’
Julia put the phone down. She unfurled her fingers and looked at the key. Perhaps the search wasn’t over yet.