51 Julia
51
Julia
September, 2002 – Bonn
Julia lit the fire in the music room, as Christoph was feeling cold despite the autumn weather, and settled him on the sofa. The lemonade was long since finished. Christoph stared at the fire, watching flames wreath the coal.
‘So, in the end, it was me who let her go,’ he said. ‘I remember gripping Daniel’s hand, the recipe book weighing down my pocket, and walking back to the hotel. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have had the strength to continue. I packed our things, hid the apartment key in the lining of the suitcase, and somehow made it back to Bonn.’
‘You mentioned Sylvie had opened a restaurant in Nice with Jacques,’ Julia said. She glanced at her notes. The pages were thick with memories. ‘Were you ever tempted to look for her again?’
Christoph shook his head. ‘Hilde would never have allowed it. I broke her trust and, if I didn’t want to lose Daniel, I had to make sure that Sylvie stayed firmly out of my life.’
‘How did Hilde discover about your affair?’
Christoph sighed. ‘I told her.’
‘Why?’
‘I hated feeling guilty. We hadn’t been close for a long time. I thought she felt the same, that the marriage had run its course and we could part amicably. But it wasn’t like that. Her mental health was too unstable, and I selfishly hadn’t realized how bad she’d become. She was distraught, almost on the brink of a breakdown. She told me I’d never see Daniel again if I left her for Sylvie. That’s when I understood how serious things had got, and how disturbed she’d become. I gave up being a concert pianist and concentrated on teaching. I wanted to be around for them more, but Hilde pushed me further away.’
‘It must have been hard to give up performing,’ Julia said.
Christoph shrugged. ‘In some ways it was simple. Daniel came first. I loved Sylvie with all my heart and soul, but the prospect of losing my son …’ He shook his head. ‘I never contemplated it for a minute.’
Christoph’s face looked wan in the firelight. Julia laid another blanket over him and left a lamp on by the piano. His eyes were already closing.
She tiptoed out.
‘Julia.’ Daniel was sitting on the stairs.
‘How long have you been there?’
‘Long enough,’ he said. ‘I would have come in, but I didn’t want to disturb his flow.’
‘So, you heard about that day in Paris, what he did for you?’
Daniel nodded. ‘I heard it all. Is it true, Julia? Did he really give up Sylvie because of me?’
‘Yes.’
Daniel covered his eyes. His shoulders trembled.
‘Mama told me he always put us second, but it wasn’t true, was it? I heard him say it. Daniel came first .’ He wiped his eyes. ‘I just accepted what she said. He never lost his patience, no matter how much she insulted him.’
Julia had only ever had one proper conversation with Hilde, after the recital. It had been like walking across quicksand.
‘Your mum was troubled,’ she said, ‘but I’ve no doubt she loved you. Perhaps if she’d got professional help or found her own independence, things might have been different.’
‘Looking back, I think she was partly to blame for why I was so angry about your devotion to the piano. She’d taught me that pianists couldn’t be in a relationship. She warned me to steer clear of you when she found out there was something between us.’
‘And she spent a lifetime influencing your relationship with your father.’
Daniel breathed in deeply. ‘I wish I’d known how much he loved me. To give up the woman you love … that’s big, Julia.’
Julia squeezed his arm. ‘You’re his child, Daniel. That eclipses everything.’
Daniel smiled. ‘I see that now. God, if it wasn’t for you and your cooking, I’d never have found how how much he loved me, or how much he sacrificed for me.’ He glanced at her. ‘Do you think it’s too late?’
‘Too late for what?’
‘To make it up to him.’
Julia sat by the coffee table in Daniel’s room, holding her notebook. Two candles flickered. Six years ago, she’d sat in this very place. But how different things were now. She was different. As she glanced at Daniel, she realized that while the piano would always be important to her, it was no substitute for people, for those deeper connections she hadn’t known she needed.
Daniel was different too. His eyes were alert, his voice energized. Since he’d discovered what Christoph had given up for him, he seemed like a new person: lighter, freer, happier. He wanted to hear everything about Christoph and Sylvie, starting with that first meeting in Maxim’s. Julia leafed through the pages, telling him about the dinner at La Tour d’Argent, how Christoph had played the ‘Moonlight Sonata’ on the rooftop, his visit to Normandy with Sylvie.
‘So that’s why the farm meant so much to him,’ he said. ‘His swim with Sylvie reminds me of the time we went night swimming.’ His eyes lingered on her for a moment, and she knew he was thinking of how close they’d been.
‘Yes.’ Julia blushed.
‘What happened next?’
‘Back in Paris, Christoph thought she was seeing another man, and the Kommandant took an interest in her too. But she told him there was no one else, and that’s when they started using the apartment as a place to be together.’
When Julia told him about Jacques, Daniel was astonished.
‘I can’t believe Papa helped Jacques escape. He could have been shot. All this time, I thought Papa had something shameful to hide. It turns out he did an extraordinary thing.’
Daniel reached for the notebook.
‘But you found no trace of Sylvie Dubois,’ he said. ‘Except the listing of her death, which we now know to be false. It was Jacques’ grandmother who died in her place.’
‘Nothing,’ Julia said. ‘Nor when I searched for Lisette Munier, the name Seraphin’s daughter knew Sylvie by.’
Daniel tapped the page and smiled. ‘Your handwriting is terrible, you know.’
‘I didn’t know you’d be reading it.’
‘No, I bet you didn’t.’ His smile deepened into something else, something that made Julia catch her breath. ‘If you hadn’t persisted with this search, I’d never have known. And to think I tried to stop you.’
‘Maybe it took an outsider like me to piece it together.’
‘You’re hardly an outsider.’
The air vibrated with unsaid words. Moments such as this, like Christoph and Sylvie had experienced, were too fleeting and too precious to ignore.
‘This will sound crazy,’ Daniel said, ‘but I’m going to say it anyway. When I saw you in that station, everything changed. I knew from the moment we locked eyes that you were someone special, that I could love you. Then everything got in the way.’
Julia held her breath. ‘What did you just say?’
‘That I love you,’ he said softly. ‘Your courage, your determination, the way you challenge me, your extraordinary talent. I’ve always loved you.’
He touched her cheek. Julia’s skin tingled. She couldn’t take in what he was saying. He’d always loved her . Her heart stammered in her chest.
‘Daniel, I didn’t know,’ she said. ‘I never dreamed you felt that strongly. I mean, I hoped, but …’
‘I’ve been dreaming of you since that day in the apartment – hell, I’ve dreamed of you since the day in the station,’ Daniel said, his voice husky. ‘I thought all the years between would stop me wanting you, but they didn’t.’
His words lit a fuse in her body. She tugged on his T-shirt playfully, pulling him closer.
‘How much did you want me?’ she said, her lips just inches away.
He groaned. ‘God, Julia, you have no idea.’
Their lips collided in a kiss, deep and urgent. Desire switched up a gear in Julia’s body. She pulled off his T-shirt, hands moving over his chest. He delicately unbuttoned her shirt, kissing her all the while, sliding his hands around to undo the clasp.
The sensation of his naked skin against hers was electrifying. She kneaded his shoulders, feeling the muscles ripple under her touch. She ached to hold him closer.
Skin to skin, heart to heart, she straddled him, guiding him inside, tightening herself around him. The sense of urgency, to be as close as they could be, was overwhelming.
‘Oh, Julia …’ he whispered.
His words tailed off in a moan. He held her firmly, eyes drinking her in, his pupils dilating as she brought him deeper and deeper. They moved as one. Faster and harder with each thrust. It was like a scale, climbing higher and higher, each note sweeter than the last, until the climax when waves of ecstasy broke over them both.
‘That was incredible,’ Julia said, at last. He gathered her up in his arms, aftershocks reverberating around her body. They lay entwined and spent. After a few minutes, Daniel pushed Julia’s hair back from her face and stared deep into her eyes. ‘ You are incredible,’ he said. ‘I don’t deserve you.’
Julia snuggled up close to him. ‘What do you mean?’
Daniel pressed his thumb against his temple. ‘Maybe I caused the problem with your hands. What if you can’t play because of some trauma connected with me kissing Kat and ruining your recital? What if …’
Julia shook her head, pressing herself against his chest. ‘That night was awful, but I played a thousand times afterwards, for years, with no problems at all. Your actions didn’t damage them.’
‘Then what did?’
‘I was thinking how Hilde’s words affected your relationship with Christoph,’ Julia said. ‘It was the same for me. Mum’s words affected my relationship with the piano. Looking back, the problem with my hands started after she died last year. I wasn’t playing to impress her any more, so I lost all sense of why I was playing in the first place.’
Daniel nodded and ran his fingers along her arm. ‘I see what you mean. But I didn’t help, demanding that you choose between the piano or me. I’m sorry I did that.’
Julia moved closer. His face was so familiar: his green eyes, the line of his jaw, his full lips – yet it was like seeing him anew. Is this what it felt like to forgive, at last?
‘You gave me that sheet music paper in the apartment,’ she said. ‘I haven’t used it yet, but it’s like a promise. You’ve encouraged that spark in me.’
‘I’m relieved to hear it.’ Daniel twisted a tendril of her hair around his finger. ‘And you’ve made me realize that we have to help Papa find Sylvie.’