10. Emotional Support Defender
Chapter 10
Emotional Support Defender
Dev
The last few weeks have crawled by as if time decided to mess with me. And JJ seems to have latched on to me as if I’m his emotional support defender. That guy can not take a hint.
Tonight’s season opener couldn’t come soon enough, but here we are at last, and I can not wait to get out on the ice. Hopefully, I can pour some of the guilt and frustration that’s been riding me out on the ice. Practice is great and all, but there’s nothing like a game to work through things. It’s been my coping mechanism ever since I was lucky enough to find the sport. Who knows where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Coach Neeland introducing me to hockey? Nowhere good.
I’m relieved Beau headed to the arena early to deal with captain business. There’s some shit going on with the team right now. It’s keeping him busy enough to consume his attention. The relief is a double-edged sword. It makes the knot of guilt residing in my chest press against my heart in an even tighter vise. I’ve been spending a lot of time on campus, so I don’t have to look my best friend in the eye, which only compounds the feeling. The things I did to his sister. He’s given me his trust and his house. He’s the most important person in my life, and I betrayed him. It doesn’t matter that I was in the dark about her identity at the time. Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the bro code.
I clock Beau sitting on the bench having a chat with Cole. He was a mere blip on the radar of the team last year. Newly transferred to Lakeview with a murky past, but he kept to himself. This year some girl drama seems to be coming back to bite him in the ass. Not ideal for the team, but it’s keeping Beau’s attention occupied at the moment. Between him and that cocky freshman Hail, I’m a little less worried about my best friend catching on to me.
I ignore JJ and Grant even when our illustrious goalie ends up at my feet, half dressed. He hurled himself on his friend for an unannounced piggyback ride gone wrong.
“Iceman! Nothing’s going to throw you off your game, is it, Lucy?” Grant asks despite the laughter shaking his shoulders.
I don’t bother to answer, instead replying with a slight lift of my brow. It only ratchets his laughter up to the next level, almost sending him to his knees.
JJ jumps to his feet, bounding over to me like the excited puppy he is. “Lucy. I was worried about you. You’re always one of the first ones to arrive. What happened? ”
The bus was late, that’s what happened. “None of your business, JJ.”
“It is. I need you out there. My brick wall. Jameson is out on the ice tonight. He’s sent more than one goalie flying.”
He was worried. Jameson is a dick, and I’d be happy to be the one to teach him a lesson if he tries to pull any shit on my goalie. “Don’t worry. I got your back.”
He smiles, walking back over to his stall with a swagger. “See, I told you he’s my friend.” He’s trying to be quiet, hissing the words to Grant and Mack, but he’s not great at volume control and the room is small. I shake my head, turning to grab my equipment so no one notices the twitching of my lips.
Even though I got in later than most of the team, I’m the first one out the door and into the tunnel. The thump of skates on rubber echoes behind me as I make my way to the ice. My favorite place. I need it more than usual today. The weightless feeling of gliding on the icy surface, freshly smoothed out by the Zamboni. I’m not interested in being the center of attention, but once the buzzer sounds, the crowd melts away as I’m consumed by the game.
I’m waiting for Beau to catch up and lead us onto the ice, scanning the packed arena just in case Cece showed up. Even though I know she’s not interested in hockey, there’s a miniscule part of me that is hoping she’s out there. An icy shock hits me in the guts when I spot someone else familiar out there. He’s sitting in the stands to the left of the tunnel. Not in the friends and family section, but too close to it for my liking .
His smile falters when he catches my glare. I shake my head and get jostled from behind, not realizing our captain slipped by me and we’re on the move. I stomp the rest of the way, hopping onto the ice with a thump and racing past Beau.
“Hey, you okay?” Beau’s hand lands on my shoulder as he catches up to me.
“Fine.”
I’m sure he’ll spot the lie if I turn to look at him, so I keep my eyes fixed on the path. He’s the only person who can read me. Who can see past my carefully cultivated veneer of calm.
“You sure? You haven’t been around as much, Lucy. Leaving me with those children.” I follow his glance to catch sight of JJ and Grant still jostling each other. Cole is storming along behind them, brow pinched in a frown as he stares at Hail’s back.
“Exactly. I don’t have the time in my senior year to deal with those hooligans.” I’m practically growling not.
“Thanks, bestie. Appreciate the support.”
“Hey, you said yes to the captain’s gig. You laced your skates, now you’ve gotta hit the ice on them.”
He slaps my back with a laugh, and there’s a strained look on his face. “I guess you’re right, Lucy.”
That was shitty of me. I should be supporting him. I’m not his alternate, but I am his friend, and instead of helping him out, all I can think about is his sister.
“Shit, I’m sorry. Let me know if you need anything.” I tap gloves with him, settling back a stride behind for our lap of the arena.
The conversation was enough of a distraction I almost forgot this isn’t just a practice. The sweeping spotlights and rumble of the crowd as we skate the perimeter is a brutal reminder, and my nerves ratchet back up to the level that always sets in during a game. Especially an important one like this. The first and last games of every season are always significant to me.
I’m conflicted. Back in the place I love. Competing, proving myself. That I’m better than my past. Better than my upbringing. Better than the names the other kids called me when I’d show up at school wearing second-hand clothes. Out here, on the ice, with my team, we’re all in it together. But there’s still doubt. That I’m not good enough, and never will. That I don’t deserve this. My only solution when those doubts creep in is to work harder, go the extra mile. Prove myself with my actions.
I slip across the slick surface as our names boom out, echoing through the cavernous space.
The crowd is riled up, cheers and stomps booming across the clean sheet of ice. Freshly groomed ice is the best. So much potential in front of us. Senior year for me and Beau. Our chance to claim the glory of a trophy, proving our worth without the heavy hitting stars who moved on to the next level after winning the champs last year.
Jameson, UPenn’s massive defender, starts the game off quick and dirty, hooking Grant in a subtle move the ref misses. Big mistake. I’m always determined to win, but if you’re going to pull dirty shit on my teammates, I’m gonna take you down. Guy may be big, but he’s a hothead. And nothing makes a hothead lose it faster than playing hard, but fair. And not caving to their taunts.
Beau glances at the ref, calling out for justice, but he doesn’t push his luck. I can’t say I blame him. This ref has tossed players for smaller sins than fighting a missed call. He’s got beady little mouse eyes. Maybe that’s why he misses so many calls.
My eyes dart back and forth, tracking the puck and all the other players as they zip over the slick surface in a familiar dance.
Alarm bells scream in my head when their top scorer Luchek snags the puck. I drive my legs into high gear, pushing off the ice at what some might say is an impossible speed for someone of my size. But I’ve spent years defying the odds, and I’m not about to stop now.
Working three jobs this summer didn’t stop me from getting in as much ice time and cardio as I could manage. I pushed myself to the limit of my endurance every day. That’s one good thing about having the house to myself all summer. No distractions. Every spare minute of time I’ve had has been devoted to improving my speed and my game, other than that one weekend. I catch sight of Beau, stifling the thought immediately.
Luchek’s eyes widen when he realizes I’m almost on top of him. He’s got no chance as my momentum sends him crashing into the boards in a clean hit that thunders into the stands, sending the fans near the front flying to their feet .
There’s no time to pause, even see the look on his face. I skate off, but my lips twist in a satisfied smirk when I pass the dirty defender. That’s how it’s done.
Excitement is swelling. This is looking promising. Cole snatched the puck and is racing down the ice clear of his tail. This could be it. First blood. But then he falters, frozen into place, staring at the crowd. Split seconds matter in hockey, and the pause gives the other team time to swoop back in for the steal.
Fuck. What the fuck was that all about?
I turn to Beau, but he’s already on it, dressing down Cole with an angry shout as the play continues.
Jameson sets his sights on our rookie with an attitude problem, while I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with Schaeffer. I sigh, nope. Not on my watch. He might be a big guy, but I’m bigger and, even more important, smarter. I blast up behind him and interfere with his plans, whatever they might be. He backs off our winger, glaring at me. His face is red, and I’m sure his knuckles are white under his gloves he’s clutching his stick so hard.
I shake my head at him, skating away as Hail pulls away from the snarl.
Whatever extra speed I’ve gained is nothing to Schaeffer and Hail. Before now I would have said Schaeffer’s got the edge this year, but honestly, the way Hail moves on the ice is almost liquid. Shame he’s such a shitty team player, because that cocky asshole is going to be a star one day. If he can scale that massive ego .
They spend the entire game trying to one up each other, which only makes my job harder in the long run. I have to keep a constant eye on both of them when they’re on the ice together. Cole’s a bit distracted by his own drama, and Hail seems hellbent on proving his dick is bigger, so they keep getting themselves in dangerous situations. Situations I have to handle as the enforcer on the team. Nothing I’m not used to. I may not always get the glory as a D-man, but half these goals wouldn’t happen if I wasn’t looking out for these guys.
My constant vigilance pays off. I’m distracting the defender that was tracking Hail, leaving him open to snag the puck. The lamp and our home crowd lose their shit at the same time before the puck has bounced off the back of the net.
Fuck yes. Beau barrels into me with a quick hug and we count down the seconds to the end of the game, playing a game of competitive keep away. He rips his helmet off, running a slightly shaky hand through the damp strands of dark blond hair.
“You okay, man?” I ask him quietly. The shakiness could be the adrenaline, but the glittering sheen in my best friend’s eyes sets off an internal alarm.
He laughs off my concern. “I’m fine.”
I narrow my eyes at him, but he skates away to congratulate the rest of the team before I can dig deeper.
The team’s riding on a high after kicking ass in our first game of the season. As a result, the shenanigans in the dressing room are extra even for these guys, so I’m trying to slip out the door without anyone noticing me. At this point, I’d rather take the bus home than deal with JJ and Grant anymore. Not to mention Hail’s attitude. Cocky fucker.
Unfortunately, sneaking around is not such an easy task when you’re my size, and Beau, our ever-vigilant captain, catches sight of me as I’m pushing the door open. He breaks off his conversation with Cole to call me out. “Lucy, you got somewhere to be? If you hang out a little longer, I can give you a ride. I’m going to finish up here and have a quick convo with Coach, but I won’t be long.”
I duck my head down, rubbing a hand over my close-cropped hair to avoid looking him in the eyes. I’ve gotten surprisingly adept at that since the start of our senior year. “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got a couple of things to do before I head home.” Great. Now I’m going to have to stall and hang around campus for a while when all I really want to do is collapse on my bed with my graphic novel.
“Okay, man. I’ll text you before I leave, in case you’re still on campus and ready to head out.”
“Thanks.” I dip my head, trying to ignore the sour curdling in my stomach.
I’m in such a hurry to escape I’m pushing out the back door without thinking. I was planning on leaving out the side entrance in case my dear father is still lurking out back.
Looks like my carelessness didn’t bite me in the ass this time. I glance around the parking lot. A handful of students loiter near the small grouping of statues in the little grassy area off to the right of the building, but that’s it .
I breathe a sigh of relief and pick up my pace, legs eating up the pavement as I make a beeline for the North block of buildings where the library is located. I can hang there for a while, catch up on some of my assigned work before I head home.
But I’m only halfway across the lot when someone walks around the side of a black pickup. The low-level dread that’s been lurking in me since he first showed up on my doorstep flares into a helpless mixture of fear and rage. I hate that he can still make me feel this way.
“Devlin,” he calls out. His all too familiar eyebrows are lifted in a pleading expression. Everything about him is familiar, like a reflection in a warped mirror. He’s an older, more faded version of me, with all the evidence of his rough life etched into his features. It’s an unsettling reminder of what I could become if my luck runs out. If someone realizes I don’t really belong here. At college, and especially not in the pro hockey league. I don’t deserve that. Everything about my upbringing taught me that.
“I told you to leave.” My spine stiffens, and I cross my arms over my chest, taking an involuntary step back even as I’m glaring at him.
“Please, I just want to talk. I stayed for the game. You played so well. Without you, your team never would have gotten those goals.”
“I don’t need your praise.” The time for that would have been a decade and a half ago .
“Just one drink. We can grab a coffee and talk. And then if you never want to see me again, I’ll leave you alone.” His brow is pinched together, lips tight. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was sad at the thought of never seeing me again. But I do know better. Didn’t he tell me he wished I’d never been born enough times? He can’t fool me with this act.
But I waver. If I say yes, there’s a tiny chance he’ll follow through on his promise and I’ll never see him again. Isn’t that what I want?
As I’m going back and forth, shifting from one foot to another, a shiny red car coasts up beside me, and a familiar face stretches through the driver’s side window. I swallow hard as I take in her features. Her white-blonde hair is pulled back in a high ponytail, curved cheeks stretched in a smile to show her shockingly white teeth. Her eyes are narrowed, flicking back and forth between me and him as if she can sense the tension.
“Hey, Dev. Need a lift?”