28. One Of A Kind
Chapter 28
One Of A Kind
Dev
I have to steel myself to walk through that glass door. It takes everything in me, but I think of Cece standing in front of me, defending me from her family, and I know I have to do this.
The place has seen better days. Cracked red vinyl benches and scratched tables sit on the black-and-white checkered floor. I shake my head at the bored-looking woman in the blue diner-style dress that walks up to me. “Meeting someone.”
“Sounds good. Coffee?”
I shake my head. Caffeine will only make me more jittery than I already am. Don’t think I can handle that right now.
“I’ll bring you some water.” She must be bored. Only two tables are occupied and one lone guy at the counter. The chef is leaning over the counter to chat with him.
“Thanks. ”
I head for the booth in the far corner where he’s sitting. His eyes were locked on the door as the door chimes announced my entrance and he gestured me to join him. As if I wouldn’t recognize him or something.
He pushes up from his seat as I approach, reaching out to shake my hand. Disappointment sags his features when I ignore the offer, sinking with a creak onto the bench. I’m not ready for that yet.
“Hi, son,” he says. “I’m so glad you came.”
“I’m not doing this for you.”
“I know. That’s fine. It’s good to see you. You look so good. How’s everything going?”
A bitter laugh slips through my laughs. “You want a rundown of the last fifteen years?”
“No. Yes. I just needed to know you’re okay.”
I sigh, running a hand through my beard. I came here for a reason. Closure. Information. Healing. Something. I’m going to have to give a little if I want this to work.
“Hockey season has been pretty good. We won champs last year.”
“I know. As soon as I found out where you were, I started keeping track of your progress. You play defense, right?”
“Yup.”
The waitress stops by with a glass of water and two menus. “I’ll be back,” she says when we barely glance at her.
“I’m glad to see things are working out well for you. How were things, after.... ”
“After you abandoned me for your addictions?” It comes out sharper than I intended, but there’s a lot of hurt and resentment buried inside.
“Yes. I know words can’t make up for what I put you through, but I am sorry. I always struggled, but after your mother died, I couldn’t handle it. I let it take over. And I will always be sorry for that. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. You probably never want to see me again after this, but I still needed to tell you.”
“Did you need to tell me for me, or for you?” I’m still tempted to get up and walk away, but I think I need this too.
“For myself. I’ve always been selfish, but I’m trying to learn. To be better. I told you I’ve got a job, and a new fiancée. I’m trying to be the best I can for them, after I failed you so hard.”
The pain is always there, usually a dull ache, but it ramps up to a throbbing intensity. Why couldn’t he have been there for me?
“What did I do?” This is it. The question that’s been nagging at me. What did I do to him? Why did I lose his love? Why did he abandon me?
“Oh, Devlin. It was never you. It’s never been on you. I was sick. I couldn’t look after myself, much less you. I’ll always regret I wasn’t strong enough to put you first.”
“Me too.” I tell him. “Can I see some pictures?”
“Of my fiancée?”
“Yes.” I need to see them. Make sure she looks good, healthy. The kids are okay. Not like me. No one deserves that kind of life as a kid.
“Of course.” He taps on his phone, sliding it across the table to me.
The woman in the picture is probably in her forties. Her dark blonde hair frames her face in a shoulder-length bob. The kids at her side are glowing with health, the girl has a big gap-toothed grin, and the boy is sticking his tongue out at the camera. They’ve both got plump, rosy cheeks and nice clothes on.
My heart hurts for the boy I was. It could have been me. If my mother hadn’t died. If he hadn’t fallen into a dark hole. If anyone had ever wanted me enough.
I think that’s why I needed to come here. After seeing Cece with her family, I needed something. The thing is, they’ve got money, but they’re just as fucked up as the rest of us. She’s suffered a different kind of neglect and control. But deep down, we’re the same. Two hurt people trying to connect.
That’s all gone to shit now. My best friend in the entire world hates me, and I’ve lost the girl I’m in love with. I never even got to tell her.
“I think I’m going to go now.”
He reaches out a work-worn hand again, and this time I don’t reject the advance. His palm is coarse, but warm when it closes over mine. There’s no instant connection or healing, but it’s a small step.
“Do you think I might be able to see you again? Sometime.”
“Maybe.” I nod. “Not right away. But eventually, maybe.”
“Good. At least I can keep an eye on the stats. See how you’re doing. I have been coming to your games. I hope that’s okay. After you spotted me that one game, I’ve started sitting near the back. I’d never bother you while you’re out on the ice. But I’m there. I’ll stop if you want me to.”
I shake my head. “No, it’s fine.”
I’ve never had someone in the crowd at every game. Rarely had someone to watch me. He can do that.
“Good. Okay, and you don’t have to say it back, but... I love you. You look so much like your mother. Her eyes.” His face softens, and my eyes burn. Not for him. For her. The one I never got to know.
“I’ll let you know if I want to see you again.”
“Good, good. Let me walk out with you. Can I give you a ride somewhere?”
“No. I’m good, thanks.” I’m not accepting anything from him, except his apology.
The sun has broken through the clouds by the time we make it back outside. It suffuses me with warmth. The ache is still there, but it’s a little less sharp. It’s Cece I miss the most. She’s come to mean so much to me, and if I can’t get her back, I don’t know what I’ll do. And Beau? I don’t know how I’ll make it up to him or if there’s any chance we can still be friends. But now I know it’s possible. If I can see my father after everything he did. If he’s capable of healing and moving on from his pain and loss, there’s hope for me.
There’s a knock on my door, and Beau calls out my name, but my light is off and it’s late. I feign sleep until he moves on.
The next morning, I slip out of the house before he’s up for the day. There aren’t too many places to go this early in the morning, so I hit the smaller coffee shop on the west side of campus. Everyone goes to All Capps. I can hide away here until class and hopefully avoid Beau for another day.
I need to talk to him, but I also need to figure out what I’m going to say. What I’m going to ask him. What is it I want? Forgiveness? Permission? I’m not sure.
Somehow the fates are on my side, and I don’t cross paths with him anywhere he can corner me alone. Until I get home. I skipped my last class, hoping I could sneak up to my room and hide out some more until tomorrow. Tomorrow we have practice, so there won’t be any way to avoid him. But at least he can take his anger out on me on the ice. I’ll let him. I’ll welcome it. The ache in my nose is a reminder of what I did to him.
“Hey.”
My head jerks up, startled to hear him as I’m stepping through our front door.
“Hi. I can go. I’m looking for a new place. I’m sure I can get something for next semester.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because. Because.” I take a step back through the door. “You don’t want me here.”
“Dev, come back.”
I swallow past the growing lump in my throat .
“It doesn’t matter. Dad is going to make Cece leave Lakeview. None of it matters.”
I thought the ache in my heart was bad before, but this takes it to the next level. I reach up to rub at my chest, hoping to ease the pain, but it’s no good. It’s still there. I don’t know if it will ever go away.
“She’s leaving? She can’t leave.”
“Why? Will you miss your fuck buddy?”
His eyes are narrowed, fists clenching and unclenching at his side, and my arm flies up to block my already tender nose, but he doesn’t advance on me.
Maybe I don’t have a right to the anger, but it still steams me up hearing him refer to her with the crude term. “She’s not a fuck buddy. Why would you even say that about your sister?”
“You’ve been hiding this from me for how long? Days, weeks? You don’t get to be angry with me.”
“Yes, I do. Cece is special. You can’t talk about her like that.” Now I’m stepping forward, ready to challenge him.
“Special in what way?” He tilts his head, studying me.
“She’s special. One of a kind. One of the best people I’ve ever met. She’s so kind and generous. She’s always smiling, even when she grew up with that. Now that I’ve seen it, I’m sorry for her and for you. But I don’t want her to feel that way ever again. I want her to know she’s loved and cared for. Appreciated for every unique thing about her.” It’s a relief to get the feelings out. She should be the one I’m telling, but it’s still helpful to say them. To let her brother know how much she means to me .
His tight fists are easing up, knuckles returning to their regular color. “If she’s so special, why were you sneaking around with her like you were ashamed of her? If you value her like that, you should have been shouting it to the world.”
“Because. Because I love you too, man. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. The closest thing to a real family. And I didn’t want to ruin that. You threatened us all to back off. Stay away from your sister. I couldn’t tell you.” I was weak. I should have stood up for her. He’s right.
“You love me too? Does that mean...”
He’s staring me down while I puzzle out the question. I love him, yes, but also... “I love her. I love Cece, and I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t want to lose you either. And I’m sorry, but if I had to choose. I’d choose her. If I have to follow her to her new school or wait for her to graduate, I will. Even if you hate me. I don’t think I can stay away from her.”
I shut my eyes, bracing for the blow. It doesn’t happen.
After an agonizing wait, he steps in, slapping me on the back.
“That’s all I needed to hear. And you were probably right not to tell me. At least in the beginning. If I found out you were fucking around with my sister, I would have gotten you kicked off the team, or maybe myself. But if you love her. That’s different.”
“But I’ll only drag her down. She’s too good for me. It’s probably better she’s moving away.”
“If you’re looking to get punched in the face again, that’s a good way to go about it. Of course, she’s too good for you. There is no one on the planet that’s good enough for my sister. But if she has to be with someone. Anyone. I’m glad it’s you. You’ve been through so much and yet you keep learning. You read all those shitty self-help books. You don’t drink. You work harder at this sport than anyone I’ve ever met. And I know you’ll work harder to keep her happy than anyone else. Now that you’ve dragged your head out of your ass.”
I can’t believe it. This can’t be real. I’m not going to be able to keep both of them, am I?
“Now. We have to figure out what to do to make sure she doesn’t have to leave.”