The Perfect Secret

Chapter Five

Hannah squeezed her hands together so hard they hurt. She’d just kissed him in the middle of the street. Demanded to kiss him, actually. And that was after dismissing his pain. She hadn’t meant to do that. She’d wanted to show him he didn’t have to worry about it with her. But maybe he’d misunderstood. Her stomach tightened as she followed him to their table. There was no way she could eat. Not with him. His hand on her upper arm, as he pulled out her chair, stopped her from sitting.

“What’s wrong?” His voice was low and made her stomach vibrate.

No point playing games. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Why?” He let her sit before he eased himself into the chair across from her. She watched his face smooth out in relief as he stretched his leg under the table.

“That kiss…”

“…was many things, but embarrassing wasn’t one of them.”

She chewed on her bottom lip. It tasted of him—minty. He was right. Their kiss was hot, bone-melting bliss. His imprint still seared her mouth, her body still tingled from want, her heart still flip-flopped in her chest.

He reached across the table, clasped her hand in his and squeezed. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

Instead, she’d be turned on, all night if necessary.

He squeezed her hand again and with a nod, she leaned forward. “How’s your leg?”

He dropped her hand, clenched his jaw, and stopped massaging his leg. “It’s good to sit.” His lips, to which she was developing an attachment, formed each word with care, as if he spoke a foreign language.

“Yes, it is. All our walking made me tired and hungry.”

The restaurant was lovely. The dining room was decorated in pale gold with indirect lighting. Palm fronds softened the room. Large windows offered a view of the patio and the neighborhood outside. Red brick buildings glowed pink from the streetlights and the street still bustled at this time of night. Checking the reflection in the glass, she saw his shoulders loosen and his body appear less stone-like. She’d looked forward to this date too much to mess it up with an ill-timed question. Although she wanted him to know she was concerned for him, she didn’t want him to mistake it for pity.

Hannah scanned the Mediterranean offerings on the menu the waiter gave them, grateful for something ordinary to think about.

“I’ve seen excellent reviews of their fish online, by the way,” Dan said. When the waiter returned for their drink order, Dan looked up from his menu. “Do you want wine?”

“Mm, I’ll have a glass of your Riesling, please.”

“I’ll have water.”

If he didn’t order wine, maybe she shouldn’t either. “I don’t have to get—”

Dan shook his head. “Not at all. I suggested it, remember?”

The waiter left with their drink order and Dan reached for her hand. “Relax, okay?”

She nodded, focused on the texture of his skin—harder than hers, yet soft at the same time. “I loved the planetarium. Now when I look at the night sky, I’ll think of the planetarium’s diorama of the constellations.”

“I enjoyed watching your reactions. It’s always fun seeing things through other people’s eyes.”

“What did you see in mine?”

He reclined in his chair, his lips pursed. “I saw delight and wonder. You’re intelligent and appreciate beauty. You’ve got a great sense of humor, yet can be shy at times, and”—he bent forward—“you’re an amazing kisser.”

Hannah leaned back. “There’s no way you could have learned all of that from watching me at the planetarium.” Her mouth and her brain were out of sync as, in her head, she focused on the last thing he’d said. He liked her kisses. She resisted the urge to touch her lips. He was already laughing at her.

“Nope. Well, the delight and wonder are from the planetarium. The rest are my own powers of observation at different times. Although I’ll confess I spent most of the evening thinking about your lips.”

She bit hers, watching his gaze follow, before she decided to be brave. “Well, in that case, you’ll have to add messy eater to the list.”

“No more than I am. I’ll give you a pass on it.”

“Gee, thanks, you’re so kind.”

He shrugged. “What can I say?”

“Are you ready to order?” The waiter interrupted their conversation and placed Hannah’s wine in front of her. She scanned the menu again and they placed their orders.

When the waiter left, Hannah shook her head.

“What is it?”

“Role reversal,” she said. At his frown, she continued. “When I first met you, you seemed a little awkward or uncomfortable.” When he started to speak, she stopped him by holding up her hand. “No, it was sweet, different from what I’m used to. Tonight, I’m the one who’s awkward and you’re the one cracking jokes.”

He nodded. “It happens to the best of us, I think. At least I hope so.”

She raised her shoulders and made her eyes go wide. “The couple who’s awkward together…”

“Exactly. Would make a great dating profile—loves dates at the planetarium, awkward ones preferred.”

She shook her head as she thought about the men she’d dated within the past six months. “Oh, think of the dating app possibilities!”

“I’ve never used them,” he said. “My wife and I dated in college and married as soon as we graduated. Apps didn’t exist then.”

“Dating in college was much easier. Everyone I meet now seems to be aggressive, only interested in hooking up, and a little obnoxious. And they don’t make much of an effort.” She looked at him and wondered if he’d remember their previous conversation. When he nodded, she knew he did.

“Wow, I guess I’ll take awkward any day.”

“It’s not to say they’re all bad. It’s just…they seem superficial. Like, as long as we’re having a good time, everything is fine. But there isn’t much depth. I love cracking jokes and fooling around as much as the next person. But not to the exclusion of everything else.”

“You know, I think you’ve verbalized something I’ve tried to put my finger on.”

“What?”

“I’ve got life down. Parenting, for the most part. As well as anyone ever can with a teenaged girl.” He peered into his glass of water. “But I’ve done it to the exclusion of everything else. There’s no…depth.”

“How long have you been single?”

He dropped his hand to his lap. “My wife died almost eight years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

He nodded. She watched him in silence, hoping he’d elaborate, not wanting to pry. After a minute, her patience was rewarded. His upper arm flexed, as if he were rubbing his leg. “It was a car accident.”

“Is that how you hurt your leg?”

He startled. “What?”

“Your leg? You started rubbing it in a different way when you talked about your wife.”

He grimaced. “You’re pretty observant.”

She watched him over the rim of the wineglass. He’d moved his hand away from his leg as soon as she brought his action to his attention. He looked lost. He moved his hand from his lap to the table to his neck, as if he didn’t know where to land. This observant, kind man, who wanted depth, was terrified of what it meant. But he was still here at the table with her. She reminded herself she needed to move slowly, and she reached for his hand. His fingers were warm and he squeezed.

“My last boyfriend was the best friend of my best friend’s boyfriend.” She watched him figure out the relationship, mentally drawing a diagram until his face lit up.

“That could be problematic.”

“It was at first, but now things seem to be okay. Except he calls whenever he gets horny.” At the look of concern on Dan’s face, she rushed to explain. “I’ve never accepted, of course, and he always seems fine when I beg off. I’m not interested. But I’m hopeful he takes the hint and stops calling.”

“You’re sure? Sorry, of course you’re sure. You’re an adult. How do your best friend and her boyfriend deal with it?”

The waiter came at that moment with their artichoke appetizer. Dan served her.

“Oh, this is sooo good,” she said. The Parmesan cheese added a sharp bite of flavor and combined with the butter, the artichokes practically melted in her mouth.

Hannah swallowed and dabbed her lips with her napkin. “Getting back to your question…Aviva, my best friend, wants me to be happy. Her boyfriend, Jacob, understands Adam, my ex-boyfriend. So we’re able to be friends.” She paused. “Always being the third wheel is a little tiresome, though.”

“You’re lucky to have friends like them.”

“What about you? Do you have friends like that?”

“I kind of pulled away from everyone when Beth died. Now I’m used to Tess and me being on our own and I’m not sure how to repair some of those relationships. But I hope to one day.”

“I would think it would be difficult being thrust into the role of a single parent.”

“It’s a bit like riding a roller coaster without the safety harness. Tess is a great kid and everything I do is pretty much with her in mind.”

Outside, they began a slow walk to his car. On the corner, while they waited for the light to change, he spoke. “I was going to cancel tonight. I’m glad I didn’t.”

His smile almost distracted her from what he’d said. “Wait. Why?”

“Because I wasn’t sure if a date with you was a good idea.”

“Why not?”

He exhaled. “Because it’s been forever since I’ve been on a date, and there’s this.” He pointed to his cane.

“What made you keep our date?”

“Tess said cancelling would be mean, and if I like you, I should go out with you. She said some other things, but they weren’t flattering to me, so I’ll skip those for now.”

Hannah smiled and stroked his hand. The hairs on it were soft; she traced his knuckles and tendons, moving up to his wrist and down to his fingernails. He moved his hand beneath hers to give her better access, and he watched, seemingly fascinated, by her movements.

“She seems pretty wise. You should listen to her more often.”

He grasped her outstretched hand and they crossed the street. Once they reached the parking garage and while they waited for Dan’s car, he pulled her close. “I’m glad I listened to Tess,” he whispered against her hair. As he pulled away, he reached for her hand. “Don’t tell her I said that, though.”

“My lips are sealed.”

Thirty-five minutes later, he maneuvered into an empty space in front of her apartment and put the car in park. She’d talked about a book she’d read as he navigated traffic. Now, she paused, bit her lip and he leaned forward, his lips brushing hers, like velvet on skin. She sighed and pulled him closer and he ran his hands through her hair as he cupped the back of her head and drew her to him. She reached for his nape, soft beneath her fingers. He explored her mouth with his tongue, as if he memorized her taste and texture, until the car grew warm and the gearshift dug into her ribs. When she whimpered, he pulled away.

“I’ll call you.” He stroked her cheek and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

Goosebumps ran down her neck and she swallowed. Pressing her hand against his, she climbed out of the car.

Dan sat in his living room with the lights out while he waited for Tess to come home. He shook his head. He managed his life by being super-organized, planning everything in advance. He controlled his leg pain in the same way. What made him think a date wouldn’t require the same advanced planning?

Sure, he’d planned the activity and the dinner. But he should have figured his leg into the plan. He’d been so concerned about giving Hannah a good time, he hadn’t allowed for ways to accommodate his leg. And she’d noticed. By some unknown random bit of luck, he’d handled it, but one of these days, if he weren’t careful, she would ask more pointed questions.

A wry smile played about his lips. Despite everything, he’d enjoyed tonight. Hannah was funny and enthusiastic and compassionate. He could still hear her voice, throaty and soft, like perfectly aged whiskey. Whiskey he no longer drank.

And her lips. He could watch them for hours, the way they molded words, stretched into a smile, tucked between her teeth, or puckered for a kiss. He could still taste her—berry and white wine—and the memory of her kiss turned him on. Unless it was the taste of the wine…no, it was her kiss. He had nothing to worry about.

The sound of the key in the door pulled him out of his memory. He turned on the light next to him as Tess walked in the door. “Hey, Tess.”

“How was your date?”

“Great. How was babysitting?”

“Zoe was cute, as usual. She had me do her hair, makeup, and nails and then she did mine.” She held out her hands to Dan. He smiled at the orange and purple streaks that crossed her nails and covered her skin, remembering when Tess painted nails the same way.

“So what’s Hannah like?” Tess sank into the chair next to him. Dan refrained from telling her to go to bed. For once she wanted to talk—he’d spend all night with her if necessary.

“She’s nice. Funny and smart, too.”

Tess winced. “Sounds great.” Her tone implied anything but.

Dan nudged her. “Trust me, she is. I didn’t think you’d want to hear other kinds of stuff.”

“Eww, no. Where’d you guys go?”

“I took her to the planetarium, and afterwards, to Isabella’s.”

Tess sat up straight. “You took her there? I thought you were joking!”

“What? She liked it.”

“Really? Or was she just pretending?”

He paused and considered Hannah’s reaction. It hadn’t seemed fake. He’d been careful not to overload her with too much geek data, which might fascinate him but bore others. No, he was sure she’d liked it.

“Her eyes didn’t glaze over and she pulled me along to show me things she thought were interesting. So I’d have to say really.”

“Weird. Are you going to see her again?”

This was worse than he’d expected, as he tried to keep from squirming in his seat under Tess’s direct gaze. “I hope so.”

“When do I get to meet her?”

“You’ve met her, Tess. At the JCC concert.”

“I know, Dad, but when do I get to really meet her? If you like her enough to go out with her so often, I should at least get to know her better. Invite her over for dinner.”

He glanced at his watch. “Shouldn’t you be…in bed or something?” He regretted his eagerness to talk to her. Well, that was his feeling lots of times as the father of a teenager, but this time she was talking about Hannah. And for some reason, she made him feel like his mother was interrogating him, rather than his daughter. He needed to regain the upper hand. Somehow. “Dinner’s a good idea, Tess. Just not right now.”

“Why not? You’re a good cook. Everyone has to eat. You can invite her here, impress her with your culinary skills, and she and I can get to know each other better. What’s the problem?”

The idea had so many problems her compliment didn’t hit him until after.

“Thanks,” he said.

“For what?”

“For telling me I’m a good cook.”

“You’re welcome. But changing the subject won’t work.”

Damn. He ran a hand through his hair and remembered he needed a haircut. Turning in his seat, he grabbed his phone and added it to tomorrow’s to-do list. “Tess, I think it’s too soon in our relationship for this to happen.”

“Too soon? What’s too soon about it? You’ve been dating a couple of weeks, right?”

“Ten days.” Was it only ten days?

“You have a daughter.”

He nodded.

“So, it’ll look weird if you keep me hidden away, like Mr. Rochester’s wife.”

“Oh, a literary reference,” he said. “Nice touch.”

She grinned. “I thought you’d appreciate it. As my reward, I think you should listen to me. I could always come with you somewhere if you don’t want her at the apartment.”

Letting out a sigh, he faced her. “Like a chaperone? Oh, sounds fun. Come here.”

She stood and he pulled her into a hug. “I’ll think about it. I’m glad you’re okay with the idea of me dating.”

Tess shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, Hannah seems nice, but do you have time to date? You always tell me how busy you are.”

He pulled her into another hug. “No matter what I do, I’ll always have time for you. I promise.”

She leaped up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Goodnight, Dad. Love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie.”

Easing off the sofa, he limped into the kitchen and got a bag of ice from the freezer. God, he’d love some painkillers to take the edge off. But ice would have to do. Lying in bed with the ice on his knee, the taste of Hannah’s berries on his lips, he wrestled with his thoughts. Was he too busy for a relationship? And how did Tess fit into all of this?

The next morning, Hannah still glowed from her date. Dan was complicated and guarded, but she saw something in him that made her want to stick around. She climbed out of bed and made her way into the kitchen. Her grandmother was already up, sitting at the table drinking coffee.

“The pot’s fresh, Hannahla, help yourself.”

Hannah poured herself a cup, added milk and sugar and joined her grandmother at the table.

“We need to talk about Jeff,” her grandmother said.

Like that, Hannah’s good mood dissolved. “Must we?”

“I don’t like how you left things with him. He’s trying. It would be nice for you to show him some encouragement.”

Hannah took a deep breath. Her grandmother meant well, but she was an enabler. “Bubbe, he’s done this before. He promises he’ll change, but he never does.”

“If you don’t encourage him when he’s trying, you’re helping him fail.”

“I’ve been burned by him too many times to have any faith this time is different from the multitude of other times.”

Sylvia patted Hannah’s arm. “You need to have some faith. He needs our support, not our condemnation.”

“Okay, I’ll try.” They were empty words, but Hannah couldn’t have this conversation any longer. She got dressed, grabbed her phone and purse, and headed out the door. Once outside, she let out a deep breath. Her grandmother saw the good in everyone, which was a great trait for a grandmother. Unless it blinded you to reality.

Her phone rang as she walked down the street and the caller put a smile on her face.

“Hi, Dan.” She cleared her throat.

“Hey, Hannah. I wanted to tell you how much fun I had last night.”

She paused and leaned against a building. “Me too.”

He expelled a breath, reminding her of air rushing out of a balloon. “I’m glad. Tess thought maybe you didn’t like the planetarium as much as I thought you did. I told her she was wrong, but…”

“No, in all honesty, I liked it. Everything else too.”

She started walking again.

“Hannah? Something in your voice is different.”

She sighed at his perception. “Family stuff.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Did she? Maybe he wouldn’t want to stay involved with someone whose brother was a drug addict. Maybe he’d think she was unsympathetic. Maybe… “Maybe,” she whispered.

“Where are you?”

She looked around. “I’m on my way toward Washington Street to do some errands.”

“Meet me at Elysian Park in…twenty minutes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Twenty minutes, Hannah.”

“Okay.”

She walked toward where Dan would meet her at the park. As she arrived, a taxi pulled up next to her and Dan climbed out. Concern showed on his face as he pulled her into a hug. The contact and the warmth made Hannah’s eyes fill. She tried to wipe them without his noticing, but he tipped her chin up and wiped a stray tear with his thumb.

“Whatever it is, we’ll fix it.”

His desire to help touched her, but she was still scared her problem would turn him off. So she nodded and let him lead her toward a bench in the park. When they were seated, he took her hand in his.

“Talk to me.”

The rasp of his skin against hers sent shivers up her arm. His hand was warm and solid and she wanted to trust him.

“My brother is a drug addict.”

He stiffened next to her and she waited for him to say or do something, but he stayed where he was. His hand tightened around hers. After a moment, his thumb swirled over her wrist. She continued.

“He’s been an addict for so long, it’s hard to picture what he was like before.” She turned a watery smile toward Dan. “He was such a fun-loving kid. I remember him always teasing me, but at the same time, he was my biggest defender.” She quieted and looked across Hudson Street as the cars drove by. “And then somewhere he got lost.”

Dan cleared his throat and placed a hand on her back. Was he pushing her away? A few seconds later, his hand moved, patting her back and she looked at her lap. “He promises to get clean, or he swears he is clean and he’s not. And each time he comes to me and I give him money or a reference for a job, and he falls to pieces again and I clean up the mess. My other brothers won’t have anything to do with him, it’s always been just me. Well, me and Grandma, Bubbe. But I can’t do it anymore, and Bubbe doesn’t think I’m fair to him. She wants me to believe him. Except it hurts.”

She rested her head on his shoulder. He sat as still as a statue, but moments later, he took a deep breath and molded himself to her body. Encouraged, she continued. “I need to support my grandmother. I’d like to believe my brother, but I’ve been hurt too many times to believe him because he says he’s clean. Once an addict, always an addict. And if it makes me a bad person, well, then I’m a bad person.”

“You’re not a bad person. He’s shown you he can’t be trusted. You’re acting on past experience.”

“Then why do I feel awful? And why can’t Bubbe understand my reasons?”

“Your grandmother, you’re close to her?”

“I live with her.”

“She sees the best in her grandkids. Maybe she doesn’t want to see the bad. Someday, if your brother does get clean, he’ll appreciate what you’re doing for him. And maybe someday your grandmother will understand.”

“I hope so.”

“Hannah, I…”

She rested against his shoulder again and his voice faltered. He traced her spine with his fingers, sending chills up and down her back. Beneath her hand on his leg, his strong thigh muscle clenched beneath her touch. Leaning close, she inhaled his scent, a crisp combination of woods and musk with a hint of spice and her breath hitched.

She raised her head, looking into eyes so blue she’d swear they reflected the depths of the ocean, and all thought disappeared. The tips of her fingers traced his jawline and she leaned in, touching her lips to his with feather-light pressure. Their noses bumped and she felt the contrast between his smooth lips and the stubble surrounding them.

She pressed her lips against his and he sighed as he closed his eyes. Her tongue nudged his lips and he opened them, allowing the kiss to deepen. Their tongues tangled, danced, and explored, as her hands gripped his sides.

“Mommy, what are they doing?”

The high-pitched question snapped her out of the moment. She pulled away. His eyes were cloudy with desire and his breath came out as labored as hers. She buried her head in his neck.

“I think that’s how this all started,” he whispered, and she jumped away as he laughed. “Do you want to take a walk?”

She looked at him sideways. She wanted to ask him about what he’d started to tell her. But he’d comforted her. For the first time since she’d spoken to her grandma, she felt good and didn’t want to mess it up. She took him at face value, deciding to save her questions for later.

They walked past the dog park and the playground.

“My wife and I used to bring Tess here when she was little. She loved the swings, always wanting to go much higher than either I or Beth would want to push her. I still remember the sound of her little voice yelling, ‘Higher!’”

They watched the kids run around the playground. Hannah thought about Dan’s memories. He’d always have memories of his wife—there’d never be a clean break. She would have to live in her shadow. Hannah looked at her phone. “Oh wow, I didn’t realize how late it was. I need to finish my errands and get back.”

They walked to the corner, crossed the street, and waited for a cab to come by.

When it pulled up, Dan turned to her. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I am. Or I will be. Thanks for meeting me here and letting me talk.”

He brushed the hair from her face. “Anytime. Anyplace.”

She nodded and watched the cab pull away. Maybe he’d let her be there for him some day.