The Perfect Secret

Chapter Twenty-One

The apartment phone rang just as Hannah got home from work the next day. She swallowed when she recognized the name. “Hello, Jeff.”

She hadn’t expected him to call, especially when he was a no-show for Thanksgiving. Her respect for her brother had increased a smidgeon. But she still dreaded this conversation.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I’d like to talk to you.” She heard him swallow. “I wondered if maybe we could meet somewhere?”

She expelled a deep breath. Everyone told her to talk to him. Well, everyone but Dan, but he didn’t count anymore. Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn’t know if it was from thoughts of Dan or from the sound of Jeff’s voice. Either way, she couldn’t let them fall. She counted to ten before she spoke. “Whenever is good for you.”

“That’d be great. Wow, thanks. Does tonight work? Or tomorrow? We could meet at that diner in the city on Third.”

“Tonight is fine. Seven?”

“Seven is great. I’ll see you then. And Hannah? Thanks.”

She clicked off her phone, not trusting herself to speak. It was a start.

That night, Jeff waved from a table near the door as soon as Hannah walked into the red and gold diner at seven on the dot.

She must have swallowed a trampoline, because her stomach was doing flip-flops. She pressed her hand against her belly in an effort to calm it as she walked over to him.

He rose and waited to sit until she sat. This was new.

Hannah stared into his clear, focused, and maybe a little nervous, blue eyes. His clothes were clean and neat. He no longer looked skinny as a rooster, like when he was using. His cheeks were filled out; his neck had lost its stringiness. When he folded his arms on the table, Hannah resisted the urge to push up his sleeve to look for track marks. Instead, she noticed how clean his hands and nails were, how healthy his skin looked.

She let out a breath. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi.” His voice was deep and smooth. “I’m glad you came.”

She bit her lip.

“Should we order first?” When she picked up her menu, he added, “My treat.”

Her eyes widened.

“I have a job and you’re my little sister. My treat.”

Something in the way he looked at her reminded her of Dan, when he desperately tried to hold onto his dignity as he knee flared up. “Thank you.”

The air between them crackled and they studied the menu in silence. After the waitress took their orders and they were alone once again, Hannah sat back.

“I wanted to apologize,” he said. “I’ve done so many bad things and hurt you. It’s gone on for years. I know needing to make amends isn’t enough for you. I know a simple ‘I’m sorry’ won’t cut it, but I hope this can be the start to my fixing things with you.”

Her stomach rolled. “I’d like to say okay, but I’m scared, Jeff.”

He reached across the table and took her hand. It was warm, rough from work, but it reminded her of when they were kids and he’d boost her into their tree house or give her a hand climbing the jungle gym when she needed one.

“Me too.”

She squeezed his hand. He smiled. “I heard you met Mike.”

“Yeah, he’s, um…interesting.”

The laugh that burst from Jeff caused the patrons nearby to stare. Jeff waved and shook his head. “Yeah, it’s one way to describe him. He said the same thing about you.”

“I guess he could have said worse.”

“Actually, he said I was pretty lucky to have a sister like you. He’s right.”

She didn’t know what to say. She started to look away, but a tug on her arm returned her focus to Jeff.

“I want you to know I set up a repayment plan with Grandma. It will take a few months, but I should have all the money I took repaid. It’s what we talked about those times I visited.”

Her pulse rushed in her ears. “Mike said he’s your sponsor.”

“Yeah, he saved my ass.”

“He said you’ve been clean for a year.”

“Three hundred and twenty-five days, to be exact. Long enough for me to be long overdue in fixing things with you.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you get clean?”

He waited while the waitress handed them their “breakfast for dinner”—him eggs and hash browns, Hannah French toast. When she left, he took a bite, swallowed and spoke. “I OD’d. In all honesty, I’m not sure if it was accidental or on purpose. The way my mind was at the time, I’m not sure it matters. It happened outside Mike’s restaurant. He took me to the hospital, got me cleaned up and told me his story—told me he could help me, but I needed to want help. I wasn’t sure if I wanted help, or if I wanted company. I’d done a pretty good job isolating myself from everyone. Something told me this was my last chance. He’s a hell of a sponsor, let me tell you.”

“That’s all it took? Some stranger telling you to get clean? I tried for years, so did Bubbe. We love you. You’re supposed to love us. How come our attempts didn’t work?” She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice.

“I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is I was afraid of disappointing you and Grandma, of having to deal with your opinions of me. If I failed Mike, he’d get over it.”

She gripped her fork and watched her knuckles whiten. Around her, the sounds of the diner filtered through: cutlery clinking, people talking, chairs scraping the floor. Aromas wafting from the kitchen should have made her hungry. But Jeff’s words prevented her from eating.

“So your not getting clean was our fault?”

“No!” Jeff jumped up and came around to her side of the table. “It was all my fault. I was too ashamed to try and fail, so I didn’t try at all. I had other issues too, issues I’m getting help with, which made me think doing drugs was the best thing for me.” He put a hand on her shoulder. For once, she didn’t flinch. “I’m sorry. If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through. But I’ll do anything to prove to you I’ve changed.”

“So what happens next?”

Jeff returned to his side of the table. “Whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?”

He nodded. “Look, if I had my way, we’d pick up where we left off and everything would be fine and dandy.”

Hannah couldn’t believe what he said. She opened her mouth to speak, but he held out a hand. She waited.

“However, I also know a few things. One, I don’t know where we left off, and going back in time has its own set of problems. Two, I don’t deserve to be treated as if nothing happened. I’ve caused too much damage. While my apology is a start, it can’t wipe the slate clean. Three, my readiness and yours are two different things. It’s up to you. I’d like for us to have a relationship, but I understand you might not want one with me.”

She stared at him, trying to read him, but the only thing she noticed was resignation, mixed with a little bit of hope. Hannah folded her arms around her waist. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t want everything to be so hard.”

He nodded. “Okay, what can I do to make things easier for you?”

“Not be a jerk?”

He pulled away a little, but when she smiled, he shook his head. “Yeah, I can work on it.”

For the first time, Hannah got a glimpse of their old relationship. “So, you’re really clean?”

“I am.”

“What happens the next time you want to use?”

He pinned her with a look. “Han, I want to use every minute of every day.” He reached for her hand. “But I want to be clean more.”

She watched him, waiting for him to look away or make some excuse or joke. But he sat there, holding her hand, and waiting for her. Squeezing his hand, she swallowed. “Can I maybe call you sometime?”

“I’d love you to call me. Anytime.”

He gave her his phone number. “Can I have yours too, or would you rather I didn’t? I mean, I already know the home phone, but…”

“No, it’s okay, you can have mine.”

With numbers exchanged, it seemed like a weight lifted from his shoulders. He sat straighter with the familiar twinkle in his eye. If she let herself, she could pretend the drugs had never happened. For the rest of the meal, they made small talk, which was only a little awkward.

“Grandma says you have a boyfriend.”

Hannah clenched her fork tight. “Had. We broke up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too. He was a great guy.”

“What happened?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. He seemed into me and all of a sudden, he wasn’t. How about you? Do you have a girlfriend?”

He shook his head. “No. I can’t focus on anyone else yet. I’m almost there, but not quite. How’s your job? Grandma says you started at a new place.”

“You have the direct line to my life through her, I see.”

He reddened. “We talk.”

“Good.” She told him about her new firm before she looked at her phone. “Wow, it’s getting late. I should head home.”

Jeff flagged the waitress with his debit card. When Hannah tried to pay, he shooed her away. “I told you. My treat.”

Could he afford it? He nodded. “Yes, I can afford it, don’t worry.”

“Thank you. Nice mind reading.”

“It’s amazing the things I notice when I’m not high.” At the door to the diner, Jeff stopped her. “Can I give you a hug?”

She nodded. He wrapped his arms around her and she fought the tears that threatened. When they pulled away, his face was red.

“Thank you for meeting me, Hannah. You’ll never know how much it means.”

Unable to speak, she raised a hand to flag a cab.

“Will you be okay getting back?” he asked.

One pulled up and she started to climb in. “Sure. Will you?”

He nodded and raised his hand in salute. As the cab drove away, she watched him from the back window until he faded into the distance.

Maybe her brother was back.

He was an addict, just like Hannah’s brother. He couldn’t give in to what he wanted—desired—craved—the most. Once, it was pain pills. Dan shut his eyes. Images from that horrible day flashed through his mind. Downing the last of his pain pills with shaking hands. Going out in the driving rain to get his fake prescription refilled. His apartment, door ajar, when he returned—he’d left it open when he left. The fear when he couldn’t find Tess. His own recriminations as he looked around the apartment for the items stolen while he was gone.

It could have been Tess who had been taken. But somehow, she’d been spared, no thanks to him. He’d gone cold turkey as a result, never taking another painkiller of any sort again.

Like the drugs he’d eventually gotten out of his system, his desire for Hannah would fade too.

Even if it’d intensified in the weeks since she’d been gone.

The irony struck him. This time, he couldn’t have Hannah because it would hurt her, not him. Dan looked in the mirror that evening, rubbed his hand across his jaw, swore under his breath. No matter how much he missed her, he couldn’t get her back. He’d been the one to suggest she distance herself from her brother. How could he justify Hannah spending time with him? Every time she looked at him, she’d see his past and be reminded of her brother. He loved her too much to hurt her that way. No, it was better for her that they remain apart, even if right now, the separation felt like it would kill him.

He turned in a circle and looked for a distraction. Under normal circumstances, he’d retreat to his puzzles. But he’d gotten rid of the one he’d been working on and hadn’t replaced it yet. He walked into the hallway. Tess’s door was closed; he debated knocking to see if she wanted to watch a movie. Ever since his breakup with Hannah, she’d been moody. While he understood her disappointment, he wasn’t up to dealing with her now. Walking into the living room, he looked around aimlessly. His gaze fell on the bookshelves. A book. He needed a book to read. Stores didn’t close until nine; it was only eight. With a shout to Tess telling her was running out, he grabbed his keys and wallet and left his apartment.

The elevator landing jarred his leg. He clenched his teeth. Dammit, this was not what he needed now. Awkwardly stepping off the elevator and out of his apartment building, he headed down the street and around the corner to the independent bookseller. As he walked, he noticed the couples on the sidewalk. He tried not to stare as they passed him. He missed that. With a sigh, he opened the door of the bookshop. The cheery bell announced his presence.

“May I help you?”

“No thanks, I’m just browsing.”

He headed toward the mystery aisle. The latest John Grisham beckoned, but he’d already read it. He continued along the aisle, stopping to look at books that caught his interest. With two in his hand, he moved into the Sci-fi aisle, but found nothing he wanted to read. As he turned toward the counter, the self-help aisle diverted his attention. With a quick look to see if anyone noticed, he walked over. Two books side by side made him shake his head at the coincidence. One was on managing addiction. The other was on dealing with teenagers. Apparently God was paying attention. Before he could talk himself out of it, he grabbed both, paid for all four, and left the store.

Outside, he paused. He didn’t want to return home right away. Instead, he headed toward the Hudson River, found an empty bench, and sat. He pulled his jacket closer against the biting wind. Seagulls screamed and local traffic added background noise. Pulling out the book on managing addiction, he began to read using his phone’s flashlight. At the end of the chapter, he frowned and flipped to the back cover blurb. After reading it, he looked for the author bio. He tossed the book in his bag and looked out over the water.

Only one chapter in and the author already recommended self-help groups. They weren’t what Dan needed. Sure, he was an addict, but his addiction was seven years ago. He’d been clean ever since. He knew how to manage his life. Didn’t he?

Hannah didn’t have a clue how to make the ache go away. Everywhere she looked, happy couples surrounded her. She didn’t begrudge them their joy, but she wished she could partake in some of it.

If the sappy look on Marc’s face as he stood in her office door was any indication, he wanted to help.

“Hey, Hannah. There’s a great movie playing at this little independent theater in Greenwich Village. Want to go see it Saturday night?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Marc, but my book club meets then.” Haven’t read the book, but not skipping the meeting now.

“Too bad, maybe another time?”

“Sure.” She turned toward Stan. “Can you help me with something?”

Taking his cue, Marc went back to his office. Stan, however, was less willing to let the matter drop.

“He is so into you.”

Hannah shook her head. “Don’t make it worse please.”

“Book club? Really?”

“Really. Although I confess I didn’t read the book.”

“Why not go out with him?”

“Because I’m not interested, and my grandmother is counting on me.”

“Honey, if your grandmother is the best you can do, you need to get a social life.”

“I’ll ignore your diss of my grandmother because she’s awesome, but you may have a point about my social life.”

Hannah went back to work, until Dave called her into his office.

“We’re impressed by your work on this project, Hannah. We’re going out to Chicago to make a presentation to the client and we’d like you to come with us.”

Hannah blinked. “I’d love to. Thank you!”

“We’re going February third. I’ll have my admin make your travel arrangements.”

As Hannah returned to her office, she couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across her face. Her personal life might be a disaster, but her professional one was looking up.

That night when she got home, she told her grandmother about her upcoming business trip.

“Hannahla, how wonderful! I’m so proud of you. I knew this new job would be right for you.”

“I have much more responsibility and my bosses and co-workers care about me. It’s such a nice change.”

“You know what’s also a nice change?”

“No, what?”

“Your new attitude toward Jeff.”

Hannah looked at her dinner plate before meeting her grandmother’s gaze. “He told you?”

Sylvia’s expression softened. “Hannah, he was so pleased, he cried on the phone to me. I don’t think you realize what your forgiveness means to him.”

“I haven’t fully forgiven him yet.”

“I know. He knows it too. But you will. In the meantime, you’ve helped him.”