The Perfect Secret

Chapter Twenty-Five

Hannah walked to her apartment, deep in thought. Aviva was engaged. She’d asked her to be a bridesmaid and Hannah accepted with pleasure. But as she walked into her building, a weight sat on her chest and made it hard to breathe. She wasn’t out of shape. She hadn’t walked long. It was cold, but she was bundled well.

It was sadness.

No matter how happy she was for Aviva, she was sad about her own life. And she shouldn’t be. She was young. She was intelligent. And when she looked in the mirror, she didn’t cringe. She worked for a great company where people respected her work and her. She’d met people there with the potential to be good friends. Aviva was her best friend, and she liked Jacob, her fiancé. She lived with her grandmother and they adored each other. By all accounts, she had a great life.

But she was lonely. There was a Dan-shaped hole in her heart, with an accompanying Tess-shaped one too. And no matter how she tried to plug it, nothing fit right. Aviva’s engagement emphasized her own loneliness.

Voices from her apartment greeted her when she opened the door and she craned her neck to see who was there.

“Hannahla, is that you?”

Chicken, spices, and onions wafted from the kitchen.

“Yes, Bubbe.” She walked into the kitchen, where her grandmother and Jeff stood together. Her grandmother stirred a pot on the stove. The smell of the chicken soup made her mouth water.

Jeff stiffened, a guarded expression on his face. “Hi, Hannah. I was just—”

“No, it’s okay.” She gave her grandmother a hug and smiled at Jeff. “What’s up?”

“Just saying hi, and—” He stopped, his gaze switching from Hannah to his grandmother.

“Go on, ask her.”

Hannah’s gaze shifted between the two of them. “Ask me what?”

“My one-year anniversary is this week. We’re allowed to bring guests to our meeting, and well, I wondered if you’d come. You don’t have to. I’ll understand if you’re busy or if you’d rather not go.”

The hope on her grandmother’s face mirrored Jeff’s, and Hannah’s heart melted. No matter what she’d lost, she’d gained her brother. He’d disappointed her so many times, but she could see he was trying. “Of course I want to go!”

This time, her grandmother’s teary expression mirrored hers. Hannah blinked before she stepped toward Jeff. His arms wrapped around her and the tears fell. She sobbed into his shoulder and he patted her back, rocking a little from side to side. When she quieted, she stepped away and looked at him. His eyes could not be described as dry either.

“I hope all those tears weren’t my fault,” he said.

She shook her head. “No, they’re just…life. I’m honored you’d want me there and I’m proud of you. Really.”

Taking a shaky breath, he handed her a card. “Here’s where the meeting is. Thank you. Thanks both of you.”

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Bubbe said.

For the first time in a long time, Hannah agreed with her grandmother.

That night, Hannah and her grandmother went to their monthly book club meeting at Karen Black’s apartment. Her grandmother and Karen were best friends and had invited Hannah and some younger women to join them. After discussing the book for a half an hour, Karen began kvelling about Jacob’s engagement to Aviva.

“My son is marrying the nicest girl,” she said. With a glance at Hannah, she amended her statement. “Well, one of!”

“It’s okay, Karen, I love Aviva, too.”

For the next ten minutes, Hannah listened to descriptions of the ring, how he proposed and what their plans were. Karen, who used to speak sharply about her son not having time for a relationship, now changed her tune and was convinced he’d be an intrinsic part of all the planning. When Hannah reached her limit, she excused herself and walked into the kitchen, on the pretense of getting something to drink.

Leaning against the counter, she let out a sigh.

“Don’t worry, Hannahla, it will happen to you,” Sylvia said as she followed her in.

“I know, Bubbe. And I’m thrilled for both of them. They’re perfect for each other and are so happy. I’m just sad right now.”

Sylvia hugged her. “You still haven’t heard from Dan?”

“I won’t. We’re done.”

“I don’t understand. He seemed like such a nice man. And the way he looked at you? It was just like the way Harry used to look at me.”

“At this point, I don’t think I care anymore about the ‘why.’ I’d like to get past him so I can move on with my life.”

“It takes time, sweetheart.”

“Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?” Becca, one of Hannah’s friends, walked in.

“No, I’ll leave you two alone,” Sylvia said, kissing Hannah’s cheek and returning to the rest of the book club.

“Had enough of in there?” Becca asked and cocked her head toward the other room. “I know I have.”

Hannah rolled her eyes. “I feel like a horrible person.”

“Oh please, you’re the nicest person I know. But there’s only so much engagement gushing I can take from the yentas before I go nuts.”

“You too?”

“Totally. None of them will come out and ask if I’m going to marry my girlfriend—they’re open-minded, but afraid—but they keep giving me looks. Especially when you’re not there to get any of them yourself.”

“Ha! I’m trying to avoid the questions right now.”

“You and Dan broke up, right? I thought I overheard someone whisper about it.”

“Great. Yes, we did.”

“Sorry, that sucks.

“It really does.” Hannah opened the refrigerator while she blinked back tears and poured herself a glass of wine. “Guess I’d better go out there. You coming?”

“Yeah. Think we can get them to talk about the book some more?”

Laughing, Hannah linked her arm through Becca’s. “I doubt it, but we can try.”

Tuesday night, Hannah and her grandmother took a taxi to the church where Jeff’s meeting was. A big chalkboard sign stood on the sidewalk with a hand-drawn Welcome in large blue letters, NA meeting inside in smaller pink ones.

As she was about to open the side door, Bubbe pulled on her elbow. “I’m pleased you’re doing this, Hannah. It means a lot to Jeff.”

Inside, a printed sign on the wall directed them to a classroom downstairs where chairs were arranged lecture-style.

Jeff stood near the window. When he saw them, he rushed over, hands jammed in his front jeans pockets. “Thank you both for coming tonight. It means a lot.”

“We wouldn’t miss it,” Hannah said.

“Most of our meetings are closed to visitors, but we have occasional open meetings where we celebrate anniversaries. No one will give big confessions, but we’ll have a speaker talk about the NA organization. There’s some food in the back for a little celebration. It’s not much, but…”

Hannah looked around. A blue-plastic cloth covered a table with plates of cookies and brownies, and urns of coffee and tea. “It’s perfect.”

They took their seats as the meeting was called to order. After the leader spoke a few words, the speaker told everyone about the organization—its history, purpose, and goals. Then the meeting leader walked to the front again.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to recognize one of our members. Jeff is celebrating his one-year anniversary clean.” Everyone clapped. Tears prickled behind Hannah’s lids. “Jeff, would you like to come and say a few words?”

Squeezing Hannah’s hand, he walked to the front and faced everyone. “I’ve been a drug addict for longer than I can remember. I lost everything. Myself, my job, my family.” He looked at Hannah. “I never thought I’d get clean. This group has helped me realize I can get clean and stay clean. It’s been three hundred and sixty-five days. It’s a struggle every day. But thanks to my sponsor, Mike, I’m here celebrating today.”

Mike approached Jeff and gave him a hug and a handshake before he returned to his seat.

“I’d also like to thank my grandmother for never losing faith in me. And finally, my sister. Hannah, you loved me enough not to enable me. You forced me to see I needed to clean up my act. Thank you for letting me back in your life. I love you.”

A cough sounded behind her, but before she could turn, Jeff grabbed her in a hug. The tears she felt earlier trickled down her cheeks as she whispered in Jeff’s ear, “I love you too.”

“Come on, let’s get something to eat,” Bubbe said.

She followed her grandmother and Jeff toward the table in the back. A crowd blocked the aisle and when she tried to get past, she knocked into someone. “I’m sorr—”

The words died in her throat.

It was Dan.