Chapter Thirty-Three Gisele
Chapter Thirty-Three
Gisele
‘We haven’t seen your friend in a long while,’ Mathilde said. ‘You know, your friend Amira?’
Gisele’s body froze but she forced her fingers to keep moving, her breath shallow. ‘I haven’t seen her either,’ she said. ‘She did mention that she had an aunt who was unwell, so perhaps she’s gone to visit her?’
‘Still, she didn’t turn up to help us ever again after that first time volunteering. I didn’t take her for someone who’d turn her back on her responsibilities.’
‘Well, I heard that there was a scandal with her husband just before Christmas,’ Jan whispered, leaning in to them. It was as if she didn’t want anyone to overhear, but Gisele knew these women well enough to know that they traded in gossip. They loved when everyone overhead them. ‘It was the reason she had to disappear so suddenly.’
‘Oh?’ Gisele said, trying to appear uninterested even as her heart began to pound. ‘He was such a talented pianist. I haven’t heard a thing.’
‘Didn’t you go to the College of Music with him?’ Mathilde asked. ‘Isn’t that how he came to be invited to play for us that night?’
‘Yes, but that was many, many years ago. But then I met Hans and left all that behind me, so it doesn’t even feel as if that life belonged to me, it was such a long time ago.’ She hoped that her lies were convincing, because to her own ears they sounded very much like the lies they were.
‘Well, regardless, I heard that he was arrested for being more interested in men than women, if you know what I mean.’ Jan’s eyebrows were pointed and her eyes were wide, and all the other women listening gasped.
‘That’s ridiculous,’ Gisele said, hoping that no one had noticed the shake in her voice. ‘Amira was head over heels in love with Fred and he appeared to be a very doting husband, and I saw that first-hand at their wedding. Its sounds like nothing more than an awful rumour to me, don’t you think?’
‘And she was pregnant!’ Mathilde exclaimed. ‘I can’t believe it.’
‘Well you should believe it, because my husband knew all about the arrest,’ Jan said. ‘He was initially involved in the arrest of an entire group of men, all fraternising at some underground establishment for men with those proclivities , if you know what I mean. He was revolted by the whole thing and said it was extremely satisfying taking them out of our community.’
Gisele set down the trousers she’d been folding. ‘Jan, what you’re saying...’
‘One of these men confessed to the SS men that Fred was one of them,’ she continued, seemingly unconcerned about Gisele’s interjection. ‘Apparently they beat him within an inch of his life until he finally gave them what they wanted. In the end, he sung like a little bird to give his friend up to the Gestapo.’
Gisele tried to ignore the tears forming in her eyes, but these women were like vultures, and Mathilde immediately saw how upset she was.
‘Gisele, what are you crying for? If it’s true what he did—’
‘You all pretended to be friends of Amira’s, and you all sat there and listened to him play the piano, praising him for being a visionary in the field of music,’ she said, quickly wiping at her face. ‘And yet here you are, happy to gossip about a man who that very friend is expecting a baby with. Her husband, no less! You should all be ashamed. I can’t believe I’m the only one with the decency to be heartbroken for her.’
Mathilde had the graciousness to look taken aback, embarrassed even, but Jan just placed her hands on her hips and gave Gisele a cold stare.
‘You think our Führer wants a man like that in society?’ she asked. ‘If you ask me, they should kill them all, and I’ll say whatever I like about him.’
Gisele knew how carefully she had to consider her words, especially now that all the women gathered were staring at her, waiting for her to reply.
‘I’m not questioning our Führer. I have always been the most loyal of party members,’ she said. ‘I would only like to show a woman who is our friend a degree of respect. At the very least, could we not have the heart to imagine what it must be like for her? Because if we’re talking about our Führer, I think he would expect us all to support one another, especially as mothers. And it does sound as if your husband has been talking very freely about secret operations,’ Gisele added pointedly.
Mathilde hurriedly told them all to return to their work, but Gisele knew that she’d made an enemy in Jan. It certainly hadn’t been her intention, but she had, nevertheless. And despite trying her hardest to defend Amira, she felt guilty for even being part of the conversation in the first place.
But like the good German she was pretending so hard to be, she fixed a smile and continued to fold and sort the clothes, imagining what it must have been like for Amira when she’d been here with this same group of women. How it must have felt to touch clothes that had been taken from people just like her, to know that the women she was sitting shoulder to shoulder with would be ruthless in their judgement of her if they ever found out about her, or Fred.
Gisele bent her head and listened as the women started to speak again, but all she could think of was Amira and what she might be doing, what it was like for her. The wind had been biting this morning, the cloud cover making the day cold and dreary, and she had no idea whether she would be warm enough, whether she had shelter, whether she had enough food. Hans hadn’t been forthcoming when she’d questioned him, which told her that she wouldn’t like the answer if he was.
Please come home , she silently prayed. Please Amira, I can’t live this life without you. I can’t.
She remembered back to when they were girls, when Amira’s father had moved them away and she’d thought she was never going to see her best friend again. Sometimes when she looked back, it felt like only yesterday – the truth was, she’d been worrying about Amira for almost her entire life. She only hoped that Hans had a letter for her when he returned home. Writing notes had been the only way they’d been able to stay in touch as girls, and it was the only way they could stay in touch now. And Gisele missed her; she missed her so much that some days it felt as if she simply couldn’t breathe.
‘Amira?’ she called, as she knocked on the door, worried someone might see her and report back to her mother. ‘Amira!’ Gisele called again.
There was no noise inside the Sch?fers’ house, but when she tried the door handle it took her by surprise and turned. Gisele looked around to make sure that there were no neighbours watching, before slipping inside. She was about to call out again, when she realised that the house felt empty.
She walked through the living room and into Amira’s bedroom, and her heart sank when she saw the bare mattress stripped of all her bedding. When she opened her wardrobe, all she found were empty hangers.
Gisele fell to the carpet and began to cry. Amira had gone. She’d gone without telling her, without even saying goodbye.
But then she remembered their hiding place, the one they’d used when Gisele was no longer allowed to visit. There was a tree at the very back of Amira’s garden, with a little hollow that they’d once pretended was the entrance to an owl’s home. She raced through the house and shut the door behind her, and sure enough, when she reached the tree, out of breath and giddy with hope, she found the folded piece of paper that had been left for her.
Gisele took the letter out, her eyes racing over the words. G, I wasn’t allowed to tell you before we left, but I’ll write as soon as I can. Papa says we can’t tell anyone where we’re going, but I promise I’ll tell you once I know. I miss you already! A.
Gisele sat down against the tree and read the letter over and over, before holding it to her heart and closing her eyes, as the sunshine finally found its way through the clouds above. She’d heard the whispers, knew there was no way Amira could stay hidden among the families in their neighbourhood for much longer, but if they moved someone else, she would have a chance. Somewhere where no one knew about her mother and her heritage, somewhere they could pretend that she was someone she wasn’t.
Wherever Amira was, Gisele would go to her, just as soon as she was old enough to move away to study. She didn’t care what her mother said, Amira was her best friend and she had no intention of living her life without her.
‘I just want for this to be over,’ Giselle said, going to her husband and putting her arms around him later that night. ‘I know you’re already doing so much, but I can’t sleep for thinking about her. Even when I’m with the children, I’m not truly with them anymore.’
He didn’t need to tell her that he felt the same, because she could feel it in the way he held her back. Sometimes she forgot just how far he’d strayed from the party he’d dedicated himself to these past few weeks, the principles he’d promised to uphold when he joined the SS. How much he’d done because she’d asked him to.
‘I think the tide is turning against us,’ he murmured. ‘There are rumours that the Americans are closer than Hitler is letting on, that there may no longer be a chance for Germany to win the war. Hitler doesn’t want the people to know, but word is starting to spread and I feel that there is restlessness among many of the men.’
‘What will that mean for us?’ she asked, still cradling him, hearing the fear in his voice.
‘I fear that men like me will be punished for what we’ve done, that we may all be punished for what we’ve let happen. I don’t know what Germany will look like if we lose this war, not after everything.’
They stayed like that in silence for a long time, her running her fingers through his hair, and him leaning into her. She knew what he was trying to tell her: if they lost the war, people like Amira and Fred would be liberated, but suddenly it could be citizens like her and Hans who were persecuted for what had happened in their country. Their lives could change for the worst, their children’s lives could change for the worst, which made choosing which side to be on that much harder. One was morally right, but the other... it could jeopardise everything they held dear.
‘Just promise me that if there is a way to help Amira and Fred get out of there—’
‘I understand,’ he said, pressing a kiss to the bare skin at her wrist. ‘If there is a way, if there is ever an opportunity, I will do my best.’ He leaned out of bed and took something from his nightstand, surprising her with an envelope. ‘This is from Amira.’
Gisele eagerly reached for it and slid her nail beneath the seal, running her eyes over the words before gasping and dropping it on to her lap.
‘Gisele?’ Hans said.
‘Did you know?’ she asked, tears springing into her eyes as she turned to him.
‘Know what? Gisele, what are you talking about?’
‘She’s pregnant!’ Gisele cried. ‘Hans, Amira is pregnant.’
Gisele picked up the letter and read it again, her heart pounding. She’s pregnant with Maxi’s child . She swallowed, brushing away her tears and wishing she could confide the truth about Fred to her husband, but knowing that would be a betrayal of her friend. ‘Hans, you have to get her out of there. This changes everything.’
Hans’ skin had turned a ghostly white, and he was focused on the letter she’d discarded.
‘Hans? Say something.’
When he looked at her, his eyes were shining with tears. ‘The things they do there to pregnant women, the experiments...’
‘But she’ll be safe, won’t she? You said yourself that they’re with the special prisoners, that—’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘She should be, but...’
Gisele looked over at him, knowing how conflicted he must feel as he tried to do the right thing. She’d asked so much of him, and she had never truly thanked him.
‘Hans,’ she began.
‘If there is a way to get them out of there, Gisele, I will do it. But you have to realise that if I do help them...’
A murmur of fear ran through her. She knew what he was going to say.
‘But if we don’t take a risk to save them...’ she began.
‘We won’t be able to live with ourselves,’ he finished. ‘I know. Believe me, I know.’