30-Julian
“Do you realize it’s one in the morning?” Lily asks.
“My whole body realizes it.” I set her bag in the bedroom. After a moment’s consideration, I open a dresser drawer, clear the contents, and dump her overnight bag in it. “You should bring over more of your stuff. It’ll be easier.”
“Are you sure?” Lily stares at the overflowing drawer and pulls out a pair of shoes. “These belong on the floor.”
Lily drops the shoes and then grabs a small case. She grips it in her palm and shuffles into the kitchen. I follow after.
“Is something wrong?”
Her morning medication wore off hours ago, but this is a different kind of energy from her. She pulls her hair and glances at me. “I did something last week. It’s a surprise.” She passes over the white plastic case.
“Mints?” I open the case and am greeted by little white pills. My heart skips a beat. “These are birth control pills,” I say, correcting myself, and then swallow. “You’re on the pill.” My mind wanders, thinking of what this means for us. “Wait. What about your medication? Are these safe to mix with your medication? Because I don’t want you doing this if there are side effects.” It’s all true, but I’m secretly thrilled at what this means.
“They’re safe. I checked first.” She takes the case back and hesitates before saying, “We could use them.”
“I’m suddenly wide awake.” I grab Lily’s waist, wanting to guide her back to the bedroom.
She puts a hand over mine. “Wait.” She hesitates again.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. Something obviously is.
“My therapist gave me an assignment.”
“Dr. Lambert?” I ask. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“Not for school. It’s for us.”
My earlier wide-awake comment was a joke, and now it’s true. Alertness courses through me, and I’m no longer capable of going to sleep, despite the late hour. “Let’s go.”
With no protest from Lily this time, I lead her back to the bedroom and pull her onto the bed beside me so we face each other. My hand lands over her hip, and our faces are close enough for me to see the dark flecks in her brown eyes.
“Tell me about your assignment so we can quickly finish it. I want to take your clothes off.”
I kiss her then, keeping it soft, hoping it encourages her to keep talking.
“The pills are for both of us. I’ll need your help to remember them.”
“That’s easy enough.” That can’t be her mysterious assignment.
I patiently wait, knowing she’ll work her way towards it. Some people interpret Lily’s behavior as a pushover, while I’ve learned she’s the opposite. Lily wants to please people she cares about but stubbornly refuses any act when she decides it’s warranted.
“It means we can go without protection,” she says.
“That’s my favorite part.”
“I want your promise first. If there comes a time we shouldn’t use them, you need to tell me, and I’ll understand. I can be a lot, Julian. If that happens, please tell me.” She rapidly blinks, and her voice fades away towards the end.
I suck in air, but it doesn’t work. In only a few sentences, Lily presented me with a request, an accusation, and her deepest fear. It means she trusts me, a trust I’ve learned she keeps safely tucked away inside her. Her eyes stay on mine, and there’s a courage in them I’ve never seen before.
“How long have you planned this question?” I ask, already suspecting the answer.
“Since the day we became a couple.”
Suspicion confirmed. “Okay, we’ll tackle the easiest part of this first. You have my promise. If it becomes necessary, I’ll tell you.” Her eyes sink at my word choice, so I tilt her chin so they meet mine again. “Here’s another promise, one you didn’t ask for. You will never, ever hear me tell you that. If we end, it will be you doing the ending.”
“Julian, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
That amuses me, and I can’t stop a brief smile from slipping out. “I’m very clear about that part. That’s my third promise.”
“I get anxiety attacks.”
“Yes, I’ve witnessed them.”
“They might get worse.”
“Then we deal with it.”
“You’re not listening to me. I forget to brush my teeth. I can’t keep a bedroom clean. There will be multiple voices in my head, each telling me to do something different until I have no choice but to sit and wait for them to decide. Julian, you’ve known me with medication. It’s not a cure; all they do is help me function.”
She forgets. “I’ve seen you unmedicated before, Lily.”
“Yes, and you thought I was weird.”
“Well, I’m kind of dumb.” I lift a shoulder. “It was also untrue, a fact you show me every moment we’re together. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Yes, but-”
“No, there’s no ‘but’. Do you think anything you said is new or a surprise? It’s not; none of it is. I’ve seen you focus intensely on one task and suddenly switch to another. Like light switch quick.” I snap my fingers to underscore the point. “You leave random items in random places. A shoe in the bathroom or your hairbrush in the kitchen. It’s not a big deal; they can be put back. Clean bedrooms can be solved with a cleaning service, which I already have.”
“I would make it so much worse.”
“Then we double up the service.” That implies we’ll formally move in together. We’ve never deliberately spoken about it, although I always assumed it would eventually happen. “None of this is new. If you go off your medication, then we deal with that because it won’t change who you are, not to me. Do you want to know how I see you?”
“Only if it’s positive.” Says the woman who’s kicked my ass at every game we’ve played. Her pleased smile encourages me. We’ve switched games around, and always with the same result. Lily picks up on the rules and strategy before me every single time, regularly making my faster reflexes useless. It’s now a running joke between us. “I remember you supporting Sarah when she fought with her brother. She needed support, and you gave it.”
“She was miserable, and I wanted to help.”
“That means you’re kind. You also gave me a second chance when I asked for it.”
“I get it. You can stop now.”
Lily’s eyes shine, so I pull her close, wanting to catch any tears that might fall.
“No, we’re not done. I’ve seen your work at school, so I know how difficult it is for you. You never gave up, and that’s determination. Also, do you remember that stupid internship you applied for last year?”
“Which one? I bombed two of them.”
“Their loss. Still, that proves my point. You kept at it and landed a third at a place you enjoy. That’s bravery. None of that has anything to do with medication, Lily. It’s who you are.”
The promised tear finally slips out, and I catch it while another threatens. “No one’s ever described me like that.”
“They should have. I’ll get that fixed tomorrow.”
Her shoulders shake, and relief hits me.
“You worry this is temporary, while I wonder over how great it is to have you around. You’re the first person to set foot in this place, the first person I wanted here. Because I wanted you. Do you know how wonderful it is to be in this world with you? How lucky I consider myself to be with you?”
“Julian, I get it. You don’t have to say anything else. I believe you.” Lily does, too, because the anxiety in her voice is gone. She won’t tell me a worry but lets it out when she includes a lilting sound at the end of every statement. I don’t think she’s entirely aware she does it.
“Well, good, but unfortunately, I’m not done yet. Let’s get this all out there now.”
Her eyebrows scrunch together with confusion. Her lips briefly purse before she asks, “Get all of what out there?”
I suck in a breath because we’re both so new at this. My life experiences are as limiting as hers, only in slightly different ways. “We were friends and then best friends. You were the person I wanted around and the one I selfishly didn’t want to share. Do you remember when I confessed to feeling very possessive of you earlier this season?”
“That was months ago. You went to tell another woman that you were picking me, and I got so jealous that I bailed on you.”
We both smile over the memory as the passage of time gives it a humorous bent. “This is new for us both. That feeling back then, that sense of you belonging with me, it’s been growing for a very long time, and it still is.”
It’s the feeling I’ve been puzzling over. It’s foreign and strange, something I’ve no experience with. My parents married decades ago, and any sign of romance or affection between them was rare. It’s difficult to recognize love when you’ve never been allowed to witness it. It’s even worse when you spend several years avoiding it.
Time to take another risk. “I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. I love you, Lily. I’m in love with you and have been for a while. Do you know how wonderful it is to be in this world with someone you love and think maybe she loves you back? Because if you did, then you’d know there will never come a time when I say you’re too much or we should stop those birth control pills.” I shut up because that conversation might happen someday. “That won’t happen because I love you, Lily. Like the flower.”
“You mean it?” Lily leans forward, and I smile as her lips touch mine. “You mean it,” she says, and it’s not a question this time.
I pull her over me so Lily’s body is half-splayed across mine. “Very much so. The hope was you might say it back.”
“I love you, too. Dr. Lambert once asked if I had feelings for you, and I refused because that’s silly.”
“We’re silly, now?”
“Always. But she asked, and it made me wonder. You’ve been my best friend, Julian, and it didn’t occur to me that would change.”
“Then I took my clothes off for you.” That will forever be one of the most erotic and intimate moments in my life. Stripping down so Lily could explore and touch at her own pace is still imprinted on my mind. She trusted me that night, and I hope I always deserve it.
“You gave me control over our relationship, and that’s why I brought up the pill.”
“Turning myself over to you paid off, didn’t it?”
“Did you plan that?” Lily asks.
“I decided several weeks ago to follow wherever you lead me.”
She lays over me so her hair partially covers us both. Lily strokes my jaw and lips, so I kiss her fingertips.
“We should stay awake a little longer,” she says.
Both of us were tired on the drive home from tonight’s race, keeping up a stream of chatter to stay alert, with her driving most of it to give me a break from an uncooperative car.
“I’m wide awake.”