Chapter 20
Tila woke up feeling warm and safe. But as soon as she opened her eyes, she remembered that she wasn’t. Safe, that is. Even with Joran’s arm wrapped around her waist, she knew that nothing had been settled between them.
They might have had sex last night, but nothing was resolved.
Slipping out of his arms, she stepped into the shower. In the past, she would have rolled over and snuggled with Joran until he woke up. He would kiss her and the magic would start all over again. It usually took them an hour or more to get out of bed in the morning. Of course, that was only on the mornings that he’d still been with her.
Now she understood why he’d so often left during the night. Yeah, there had been the occasional long weekend in his arms. But they’d never gone out for dinner. At the time, Tila hadn’t minded not going out. She’d lived in a small town and there weren’t many restaurants. Plus, she’d wanted Joran all to herself, always painfully aware of the passing of time and that Joran would eventually have to leave again.
Still, she felt a niggle of frustration. Why hadn’t they ever gone out to dinner? Had he been ashamed of her?
She rinsed the shampoo out of her hair and reached for the conditioner, but a pair of strong arms wrapped around her waist. Tila yelped, then spun around to find Joran surveying her nakedness, a serious expression in his eyes.
“I need to hurry,” she whispered, backing up because she knew that expression. And even if she hadn’t, the erection pressing against her belly would have clued her in.
The man never seemed to get enough sex!
Hmm…that wasn’t fair. In the past, she’d wanted him just as much. In fact, most of the time, Tila had been the one to initiate sex between them, always aware that he would have to leave too soon.
“Good morning,” he grumbled, sliding his hands down her arms. She was braced to reject him, so Tila was confused when he didn’t try to pull her into his arms. And the sparkling diamond ring he slipped onto her finger was even more confusing. “We’re engaged.” Then he stepped around her in the massive shower space and ducked his head under the warm spray.
“We’re…what?”
“Engaged,” he repeated, shaking his head to dislodge the water from his eyes. Without blinking, he reached for the shampoo, then handed her the conditioner.
Tila couldn’t take the bottle of expensive conditioner. She was too busy staring at the diamond ring. It wasn’t just a single solitaire. No, Joran had to be different! He had to go out of his way to find a ring that looked exactly like a snowflake. There was a large, center stone surrounded by dozens of smaller stones.
Snowflake. The man had found a ring in the shape of a snowflake. She remembered the night she’d snuggled in his arms out in her backyard. She’d started a fire in the small pit she’d built and they’d sipped wine and talked. She’d told him about her desire to see snow someday. He’d laughed and told her how cold it was, that the icy drops got under one’s clothing and felt like a knife against the skin. She’d said she didn’t care and that her dream home would be on a snow covered mountain somewhere.
He'd remembered that conversation. How the hell had he found a ring in the shape of a snowflake?
Looking up, she wasn’t aware of the tears in her eyes until he said, “If you don’t like it, I’ll find you something different. I can get you a more traditional solitaire.”
Immediately, Tila curled her fingers into a fist so that he couldn’t reclaim it. “I love it,” she whispered.
He smiled and bent down to kiss her. She lifted her face, kissing him back as if to seal their engagement. But he hadn’t actually asked her to marry him. Wait. Yes, he had. No. Actually, he’d ordered her to marry him. She hadn’t had time to answer him.
She turned with a sigh, taking the conditioner. But for a long moment, she simply stood in the warm mist, clutching the bottle against her chest, her thoughts reeling with questions, flashbacks, memories, and…more questions.
“Tila?” Joran’s deep, worried voice interrupted her chaotic thoughts.
“I’m fine,” she replied, then squeezed some conditioner onto her hand and spread it through her hair. But she couldn’t seem to put her finger on what the problem was. Rinsing her hair, she stepped around Joran, trying not to touch him. Even a small brush of their bodies against each other might spark another round of sex. Tila needed to think and sex would muddle her thoughts.
“What are you doing today?” she asked.
She heard him sigh as she wrapped herself up in a large, fluffy towel.
“I have meetings with my generals this afternoon and I’m having dinner with them later.” He hesitated, looking down at her. “Would you…like to join us for dinner?” he asked.
Tila didn’t understand the hesitation in his voice. Was the pause because he didn’t want her to meet his generals? Or was it because he didn’t…? She wasn’t sure.
Deciding that she couldn’t back down, that she wanted to know more about this man and what he did, she turned to face him, clutching the towel around her. “Yes. I’d love to join you and the generals for dinner.” She added a tight smile, because she still couldn’t read his features. “What time?”
“We should be done with our meetings by six. So, drinks around then, and dinner after?”
Tila nodded. “That’s fine. I’ll make sure the evening nanny knows we’ll be unavailable during those hours.”
With that, she left the bathroom. She slipped into her own dressing room and stopped, not sure what she’d just agreed to. Dinner with generals? Of a foreign country?
Okay, so they weren’t really “foreign” since they were generals of Joran’s country. Since she lived in this gilded…prison? Cage? She didn’t feel trapped. In fact, other than her feelings for Joran, which were a boggle, she was really starting to relax. All of her meals were prepared for her, she was getting sleep while the nannies took care of her babies, plus Joran’s help, to ease the parenting burden. She never cleaned anything and all of their laundry was mysteriously taken away and returned cleaned and folded. So overall, Tila was pretty happy after the hellish few months after Laith and Rafi’s birth when she’d been doing it all on her own.
Still, she wanted…what?
She wanted Joran to love her. Even if it was a fraction of the emotions she felt for him, it would be enough.
But could he ever feel something more than just desire for her? She wanted him to love her, but was Joran capable of love? He hadn’t seemed to be overly concerned when he’d returned to her door almost a year after he’d abandoned her. There had been no communication with him during that time period. Nothing to explain his absence.
Granted, she hadn’t known then that he was the crown prince of the neighboring country. That was kind of a big issue, she supposed.
However, her tender, wounded heart didn’t agree. She now knew that she’d loved him a year ago which was why it had been extremely difficult to get through her pregnancy knowing that she’d never see him again. It had taken months to accept that Joran wasn’t coming back to her.
Tila chose another comfortable cardigan from the shelf that was stacked with sweaters in every color and fabric. This was becoming her uniform; a cardigan and leggings with a comfortable pair of slip on shoes. The outfit allowed her to move easily, pick up her tiny sons, sit on the floor with them and…and she needed to work.
Wow! Where had that thought come from? She hadn’t thought about work since that painful morning when she’d gone into labor.
For a moment, she stood in her dressing room, contemplating the idea of going back to work. Did she really want that? Was she ready to spend that much time away from her babies?
The answer came without hesitation. Yes. Yes, she definitely wanted to go back to work. Tila accepted that she needed the intellectual stimulation of her job. Tila designed websites and she hadn’t had time to check her email since the babies were born. She’d scheduled an “out of office” message so that her clients knew that she wasn’t available. But now, the thought of diving back into the creative and technical world of web building made her feel almost giddy with excitement.
Would she have any clients now that she was ready to get back to work?
“You okay?”
Tila jerked around to find Joran standing in the doorway to her dressing room. Thankfully, she’d finished dressing. But she wished that she’d lost the last ten pounds from her pregnancy.
Sliding hands down over her outer thighs self-consciously, she looked at the magnificent man who had made her scream his name last night. Would he ever come to love her the way she loved him?
“Tila?” he prompted.
Tila jumped, then shook her head. “What?”
“Are you okay?” he repeated.
Was she? No. Not really. Despite being surrounded by all of this previously unimaginable wealth and luxury, Tila was not okay. She should be okay. By everyone else’s standards, Tila should grab onto whatever crumbs Joran was willing to give her.
She rubbed her thumb over the snowflake diamond ring. He’d remembered her hope of seeing snow. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he had feelings for her that she just didn’t understand. Their relationship had been so intensely sexual before. But she’d never understood the man.
“I’m fine,” she told him, straightening her shoulders. “I’m perfectly fine.” Or she would be, Tila vowed. Eventually, she’d figure out if crumbs of affection were enough for her. Would they be able to build a future for themselves with whatever feelings he had for her?
She rubbed the ring again. She wanted to get back to work and…she wanted to know what made him smile, what made him laugh. She wanted to know what he hated about this life and what he loved.
She wanted to understand the man who had made her so happy before. Before sex got in the way of them knowing each other.
“I’m fine,” she assured him when he continued to look at her suspiciously. She was…but not really. She was going to be fine. Somehow. Some way, she would figure out how to be fine.
Because she knew that she couldn’t live without Joran. Even if she didn’t want to be in a relationship with the man, they had two wonderful sons that they’d need to share with each other.
So, she’d have to figure out how to be fine with…him.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
Yes, she was starving. But instead of saying so, she shook her head. “I need to feed the boys,” she told him. “Why don’t you go on ahead and I’ll have breakfast later?”
He hesitated, but after a moment, he nodded. “Okay, but you will eat something later?”
Tila thought about those last ten pounds. She wanted to have her old body back. She wanted to drive him wild with desire like she used to. But she didn’t want him to know how she’d had to starve herself to get that body.
So instead, she smiled and nodded. “Of course,” she assured him.
He still looked doubtful and Tila desperately wanted to walk up to him and…she didn’t wait. If she was going to have the life she wanted, she needed to grasp it with both hands. So instead of waiting, she moved closer and put her hands on his chest. “Kiss me before you leave, Joran,” she whispered. “Give me something to remind me of you.”
He didn’t hold back. With a groan, Joran pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He was holding back, she would feel it in his touch, but Tila kissed him back, giving Joran all of the love she felt in her heart.
A moment later, he pulled back, breathing hard. Tila wondered if he might pull her clothes off and take her back to bed. She wanted that. If sex was all they had connecting them, she would deal with that.
Instead, the morning nanny stepped into the room with Laith in her arms. “I apologize for interrupting, Your Highness,” the woman said with a nervous smile, “but Prince Laith is demanding to be fed.”
Tila glanced up at Joran and nearly smirked at the irritation on his handsome features. “I’ll go take care of Laith,” she said. “Enjoy your meetings this morning.” Oooh, that was rotten of her, but Tila didn’t feel very kind today. She was confused and insecure, so a bit of rottenness was warranted.