Chapter 36
CHAPTER 36
Willow
W hen we finished dinner at Alex’s restaurant, I told him we should stop by the popcorn shop to have dessert. After an argument about whether popcorn was a dessert—it totally was—we ended up stopping at the popcorn shop and the ice cream parlor.
Since the ice cream parlor was packed, I waited at a table outside while Theo went inside to get his ice cream. Butter pecan was his favorite flavor. He was mine.
As I waited outside, I opened the bag and started snacking on my triple-flavored dessert popcorn. As I did so, a woman in a wheelchair came past us. As the woman passed, my heart dropped to my stomach.
Anna.
I hadn’t seen her in so long. I was so good at avoiding her. But there she was, pushing herself in a wheelchair with her father on her left side and her mother on the other side of her. The moment I looked up, Anna’s eyes fell to mine. Her eyes looked so sad. Heartbreakingly sad. She looked so tired, too. As if she hadn’t slept in years. The moment she recognized me, I saw the little bit of light fade away. She instantly turned her head to stare the other way, and when Mrs. Lane’s eyes found mine, it wasn’t sadness I saw. It was rage.
Chills shot down my spine as I sat at that table.
Mrs. Lane leaned over her husband and whispered something. Mr. Lane looked up, made eye contact with me, then began to walk faster as Anna picked up her speed.
I sat back in my chair, feeling sick to my stomach. I was seconds away from throwing up when Mrs. Lane marched back toward me. The rage was even more intense than when she first walked by.
“What are you doing?!” she whisper-shouted, glancing around as if terrified of anyone seeing us talking to one another.
I stood. “Mrs. Lane, I—”
“You swore you wouldn’t be around a lot, and you promised to text me whenever you were back in town.”
I shook my head. “I-I-I know. Bu-but I forgot. You see, Avery went in to delivery early and—”
“And nothing. Do you know what seeing you does to my daughter’s psyche? Do you know how much of a trigger you are to her—to us—to this damn town? You being seen doesn’t just bother Anna. It bothers my whole family. Carter’s family. Eric’s family,” she spat out.
My whole body fell into shock. I couldn’t breathe. Everything felt dizzying, and my knees were going to buckle. Carter and Eric. The two boys who lost their lives on my birthday all those years before.
I hadn’t heard their names in such a long time, but I thought about them daily. Not a day went by when Anna, Carter, and Eric didn’t cross my mind.
Anna’s eyes.
They were so, so sad.
I wanted to ask her a million questions. A million words I wanted to give her. I wanted to know how she’d been. If she was okay. If she still laughed during sunsets and cried during sunrises. I wanted to know if her favorite color was the same or if it changed—was it now midnight blue? Did she still cry during thriller movies and skip to the end because she loved spoilers? Did she ever get that first kiss? Did she still like love stories most of all? Did she ever miss her former best friend?
Did she ever think of me?
“You’re a devil, Willow Kingsley,” Mrs. Lane spat out. “An evil person who ruins the lives of everyone she comes in contact with. You don’t know the damage you just caused. This will affect Anna for a good while. Just…leave, will you? Leave and give us peace.” With that, she turned around and marched away, leaving me standing there in a full-blown panic attack that no one knew about except for me.
After a few minutes, Theo came over, looking as happy as could be, with a smile as big as a kid on Christmas Day. He held a triple-decker ice cream cone in his hand, each scoop almost the size of a small child’s head.
“This is turning out to be a fantastic day,” he exclaimed. “Where to next?” His eyes fell to me, and his childlike persona shifted instantly. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
I smiled and shook my head, trying to play it off. “Nothing. I just got tired. It’s been a long day. Maybe we can go to my dad’s so I can get some rest.”
He narrowed his eyebrows, not buying it. “Weeping Willow, what happe—”
“ Please , Theo,” I begged. “I don’t want to talk now. I just want to sleep.”
He didn’t push for more, but I could tell he was concerned. That evening, he fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me as I stayed awake for the remainder of the night.
I cried in his arms, thinking about Anna, Eric, and Carter.
They were so young. They were robbed of a life because of me.
At least Eric and Carter didn’t know they were robbed of living.
Anna had the reminder every single day for the rest of forever.
How hard it must have been to wake up in the morning and need someone to help you out of bed. To only be able to move when others were there to help. To take endless amounts of medicine every single day.
To be angry and not able to storm away.
To hurt and not be able to control the pain.
To feel and want everything in this lifetime, but not to have a chance to live out your wishes and dreams.
I stole Eric’s and Carter’s lives.
But I ruined Anna’s.
And now she had a recent vision of me in her mind.
I bet I was smiling when I looked up at her.
I bet I looked happy.
Because I was at that moment. I was so painfully happy, and it made me sick to my stomach that Anna witnessed that part of me.
I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to mindlessly stuff my mouth with popcorn as the love of my life was getting a triple-decker ice cream cone.
The love of my life.
No.
I didn’t deserve that.
Did she ever have her first kiss?
Did she ever fall in love?
The love of my life?
No.
I didn’t deserve that.
Yet there I was, wrapped in the arms of a man who made me feel safe when everything in Anna’s life felt so unsafe. My mind kept repeating the same thoughts.
Did she ever have her first kiss?!
Did she ever fall in love?!
The love of my life?!
Oh my gosh.
No.
I didn’t fucking deserve that.
For the next few days, I was quieter than usual. I did my best to act normal, but my mind was in a spiral .
Anna, Eric, Carter. Anna, Eric, Carter. Anna, Eric, Carter.
On the whole ride back to Westin Lake, Theo did the most talking. He offered to let me choose the music. I declined. He still put on music that he knew I’d love. I saw the sadness in his eyes. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
We got back to his place. He opened the passenger door for me and held his hand out to take mine. He helped me out of the car. I tried to walk away quickly, but he pulled me into a hug. He held me tight. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
When we walked inside the house, I told him I needed a shower. He offered to shower with me. I said I wanted to shower alone. I needed to push him away, and I knew I had to be cruel to do so. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
Theo startled me slightly when I stepped out of the shower. He stood there with a towel for me. He held it out, and I stepped into it, wrapping myself up. “Thank you,” I said.
He wrapped his arms around me from behind and skimmed his mouth against my earlobe. “Why are you running from me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been avoiding me for a few days now.”
“I’m not avoiding you. I’ve been in bed with you every night this week. That’s far from running.”
“You are, though. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, I see you withdrawing.”
I lowered my head and looked at the floor. “That’s not true.”
“Then why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
He placed a finger beneath my chin and tilted my head up to meet his stare. “Avoid looking at me.”
I moved my head slightly, breaking the stare from him. “I don’t avoid looking at you.”
“This past week, we’ve had sex with the lights off, and even then, you always closed your eyes.”
“Not always,” I argued.
He huffed, and the sound was packed with annoyance. Maybe confusion. Maybe both. “You do.”
“What do you want from me, then, Theo? You want me to fuck you with the lights on? You want me to stare in your eyes when I hit my orgasm?” I sarcastically remarked, being colder and ruder than I’d ever truly been. But I had to. I had to push him away. “You want me to make eye contact nonstop.”
He looked at me as if I were a stranger. Good.
“What’s with the tone?” he questioned.
“You’re asking stupid questions.”
He stared even more perplexed. Great.
“Stop with the attitude, Willow,” he said.
“Then stop with the assumptions about me pulling away from you.” Even though I had been. I was running as far away as possible.
“They aren’t assumptions. They’re facts.”
“You can’t make—”
“Something scared you.” His voice rose as he stood in front of me. “You’re scared, Willow. I get it. Just tell me what happened.”
“I’m not scared of anything.”
“You’re scared of everything .” He stepped back slightly and slid his hands into his sweatpants pockets. “We’re not that different, you and me, Willow. So stop acting like we are,” Theo scolded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. Because after that one time I told you I’d always see you, I haven’t stopped looking. I notice everything when it comes to you, and I know you’re scared because this feels real.” He took my hands in his. “We are real, and real scares you.”
Yes. Yes. All of that, yes. I puffed my chest out. “I’m not scared.”
“You’re terrified.”
I swallowed hard as my heart pounded aggressively against my ribs. Who did this guy think he was? Who was he to tell me who I’d been? The love of my life. That was who he was.
Keep pushing him away, Willow. Just keep pushing.
“Oh, screw you, Theo,” I spat out.
“You already did that, so what else?”
“What do you mean what else?”
“What else do you have to give me? Because, no offense, I like fucking you, but that’s just not enough. I want more with you. I can’t keep fucking your body when you stopped giving me your mind out of nowhere.”
“You don’t want my mind,” I argued.
“Don’t you get it?” He leaned in toward my ear and brushed his mouth against the edge. “I want every thought that lives in that beautiful mess of your mind.”
My whole chest began to ache as I stood there in the bathroom, feeling my stomach building with a mixture of butterflies and killer hornets. I was going to break his freaking heart.
I hated the whole situation. I hated him pressed against me, but I also hated the idea of him moving away. I hated that he could see me in ways others couldn’t, and I hated the fact that I loved feeling seen for the first time in my life. I hated his words, but I loved his mouth.
How could someone make me feel so conflicted for the first time in my life? How did he manage to see me? How did he see past the mask I’d worn my whole life? And how in the hell was I going to go through with breaking his heart?
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Theo?”
“Yes?”
“I’m leaving tonight.”
He let me go.
He stepped away.
I missed him already even though he still stood there.
“What?” he questioned.
“I think my time in Westin Lake is over. Listen, I had a great time getting to know you. I think you’re a great guy, and—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Time-out. What the hell is going on?” he shouted, mystified. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“Breaking up with you?” I huffed even though I wanted to sob. “Theo…we weren’t…together.”
And there it was.
The heartbreak.
It flashed in his eyes and rolled through his chest.
And the moment his heart broke? Mine shattered.
He started to close himself off again. I saw him retreating to the cold man I first met. “Th-then what have we been do-doing?” he quietly asked, stuttering through his words.
Oh, Theo. I am so sorry.
“We were just two people who had sex a few times.”
“Sex?” he blurted out. “This was just sex? You and me? Us? Is that all it was to you?”
I knew what he was getting at, and the uncertainty in the pit of my stomach hurt me because I saw it in his eyes…love.
It was there.
It was real.
Which meant it was time to do what I had to do.
“Yes. It was just sex,” I quietly agreed with a small nod.
That sliced through his spirit. I saw the hurt that pierced him, and I hated that I was the one who delivered it. But I didn’t know how not to hurt him. I didn’t know how not to run away.
Because Mrs. Lane was right.
I didn’t deserve love.
Especially from a man like Theodore Langford. Because he would’ve loved me completely.
“Willow,” he murmured, his voice soaked in heartbreak, “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry. I, well, if you could just…” He sighed and sniffled before clearing his throat. “Please don’t leave me,” he begged. “Just stay. Please ,” he pleaded. “I don’t know what happened, but I’ll do whatever you need me to do to make this better. I’ll be whatever you need me to be in order to make this work. I’ll be better for you. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. Just…don’t go. P-please. Don’t go .”
Every piece of my soul died right then.
He was begging me to stay, which was exactly why I had to go.
I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. “Sorry, Theo. I’m leaving. This is over.”
That was the final nail in the coffin. I saw the shift in his whole demeanor. His eyes grew ice cold. His body tensed up. His jaw locked. He was disappearing right before my eyes.
“Okay.” He nodded. “Then do me one big favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Stay the fuck gone forever.” With that, he turned and walked away. He headed out of his house straight to his boat. I listened as he sped off toward the middle of the lake.
I was gone before he came back.