The Rebel Daughters

Chapter Forty-Six

Chapter Forty-Six

A nna opened her eyes in a room she did not recognise. The curtains were half-drawn and, in the corner opposite the door, red candles illuminated an icon of the Virgin Mary. She could smell chamomile and burnt pastilles. She was lying on a high feather bed.

Where was she? Fever had swallowed memory and her mind was hazy. She recalled Nicholas talking to her, forcing her to stay awake and carrying her in his arms. There had been someone else with him – a man with a thin face and black coat. She remembered the bitter taste of laudanum on her tongue and Nicholas’s hands holding her down. Then only darkness and pain.

She must have been delirious, for she dreamt that Nicholas had stayed with her. She had opened her eyes and seen him reading by the light of a candle beside the bed. She wanted him to hold her but, when her dry lips hoarsely whispered his name, it was Varenka who answered.

‘I’m here with you, dear. Rest now…’

If she was thirsty, Varenka held a glass to her lips as she sipped iced water. It was Varenka’s capable hands that changed dressings and held cold compresses to her burning head. Now the fever had gone at last, and Anna knew she was in the Bulgarin home.

Varenka came in and opened the curtains. ‘Good morning. How are you feeling?’

‘I’m better, thank you.’ Anna winced at the pain in her thigh as she propped herself up. ‘How long have I been here?’

‘You came three nights ago and have been delirious ever since. The doctor says it’s the shock of the injury. He assures me there’s no infection.’

‘What happened? I can’t remember clearly.’

Varenka was matter-of-fact. ‘You were shot by Colonel Renin.’ She walked over to the bed and lifted Anna’s wrist, checking her pulse. ‘The bullet hit you in the leg. Nicholas brought you here.’

’Was Michael Pavel there, too?’

‘Yes. But no one else was hurt.’

Anna sank back against the pillows as Varenka explained how Nicholas had brought her home while Michael Pavel scoured the city for a doctor. She had lost so much blood she was in danger of falling into a mortal coma. By the sheer effort of his will, Nicholas had forced her to stay awake. Somehow, he had kept her conscious until the doctor arrived.

‘Doctor Saloman is the most eminent surgeon in Russia,’ Varenka stated proudly. ‘Fortunately, the bullet missed the main artery. He was able to extract it without too much difficulty.’

Anna learned that the Marinskys and Alexander Pushkin had called yesterday and her parents the day before. They had sat with her while she was asleep and would take her home as soon as she was well enough to be moved. She did not mention to Varenka that in her delirium she had been sure Nicholas was close to her. Where was he now that she was awake? She needed him – to hear his voice and feel the comfort of him close by.

Varenka removed the strips wrapped round her leg and examined the wound. ‘It’s healing well.’ There was a large black bruise and a livid scar halfway up her thigh. The warm water and vinegar stung, and Anna gritted her teeth as Varenka soaked dressings in honey then rebandaged it.

‘I’m afraid it will be very sore for a few days, but there’s no permanent damage. Hopefully we can get you up and walking today. It’s important to start moving.’

‘You’ve been so good to me, dear Varenka. And Nicholas, too. I would like to thank him.’

‘All in good time, my dear. Nicholas left St. Petersburg yesterday. He has important business to attend to in Tsarskoe Selo. We’re expecting him home this evening or tomorrow.’

*

Anna sat at a table in her bedroom, picking at the supper tray that Varenka sent up, before she set it aside. She was too weak to get dressed and wore a peignoir with a shawl around her shoulders. The door was ajar and she strained her ears for the sound of Nicholas’s return, but the house was quiet. The clock on the mantelpiece struck eight. Why hadn’t he come back? Was he was staying the night at Tsarskoe Selo with Elizaveta Romanov?

The warm glow of earlier went from Anna’s heart. Love wasn’t Nicholas’s province; but for all his cynicism, she had let herself believe he cared for her. Useless to argue now that she had reason to do so. If she were stronger, she would ride out to the palace and confront him, but she was too weak. She could barely walk around the bedroom, let alone get on a horse.

‘Plenty of rest and calm and you’ll recover sooner,’ Varenka instructed. ‘I’ll come up later and help you to bed.’

How could she stay calm when Nicholas was with Elizaveta? Anna remembered the ball and the expression on his face as he looked at his mistress. She remembered the first time she had seen them together. It was here, in this house. Dear God, he had brought Elizaveta to his home – possibly to this very bedroom! She had been a fool, a stupid silly fool, to imagine that he loved her. How could she be so conceited as to think he felt differently about her than any other woman he had taken to his bed? Anna felt a tear roll down her cheek. I can’t stay here. I must get away before he comes back. I’ll send a message to Mama tomorrow and beg her take me home.

She took a gulp of wine and gagged, splattering drops on the front of her chemise. Her head was throbbing and there were shooting pains in her leg. If she wasn’t careful, the fever would return. She rubbed at her temples and tried to think logically. The fact Nicholas had gone to Tsarskoe Selo wasn’t conclusive. Princess Elizaveta might be in Moscow. It was possible he’d gone there for a different reason entirely.

It was still light outside and a warm breeze stirred the air. In an attempt to distract herself, she picked up a pack of cards and began to lay out a game of Patience Sofia had taught her in Siberia. She placed the four aces at the top, with seven cards beneath and began to turn over the cards on the deck. When she came to the knave of spades, she stopped. Nicholas had been the knave of spades at Kamenka. She had won him twice on that fateful evening. He had meant nothing to her then… I don’t care if he saved my life, she thought hopelessly. He’s selfish and unfeeling. I never want to see him again.

Misery and hurt filled her until the urge to do something violent was irresistible. She clenched her knuckles and, with a lunge of her arm, swept the cards and glass of wine onto the floor.

‘Heavens above! Has the invalid gone berserk?’

Nicholas walked through the door and Anna flinched in surprise. She noticed he was wearing a clean shirt and trousers. He had taken time to wash and change out of his riding clothes. He looked tired but his eyes were alert.

‘What’s the matter, Annushka?’

‘It was an accident…’

‘Of course, it was. You wouldn’t spill my best wine deliberately.’ Nicholas bent down to retrieve the empty glass and gather up the cards. ‘Varenka tells me you’re better. You must be, if you’re hurling glasses round the room.’

If he was going to taunt her, she wouldn’t stand for it, but Nicholas looked serious. He wasn’t teasing.

‘Where have you been all day?’ Anna heard the accusation in her tone.

‘I went to Tsarskoe Selo to visit the Lyceum. I was meeting prospective candidates for Natasha’s school. One or two were very promising.’

The Lyceum at Tsarskoe Selo was the most prestigious school in Russia and an obvious place to recruit teachers. If only she could be sure! She wanted to believe him, but doubt must have shown in her eyes.

‘If you’re wondering whether I’ve been with Elizaveta, the answer is no,’ Nicholas said quietly and firmly. ‘I haven’t seen her in months. The last I heard, she was going to stay with Zinaida Volkonsky in Italy.’

Anna drew a short, sharp breath. Nicholas had always been able to read her mind. There were times he seemed to know what she was thinking even before she did. Hitherto, she had resented it. Now, despite her transparency, her heart rose.

‘Is the pain very bad, lyubimaya ?’ Nicholas used the term of endearment as only he could, soothing and gentle. ‘Can I do anything to help?’

Anna looked at him tentatively. ‘Varenka told me Boris Renin’s been arrested. I can’t remember much after I was shot.’

‘When you were kidnapped, the Marinskys had the presence of mind to drive straight to barracks. I was with Captain Pavel. He knew at once Renin was behind it.’

‘But it was the Third Division who took me. General Zeidler, of all people—’

‘General Zeidler was acting under instructions. He was meant to put the fear of God into you, so you’d be more amenable for Boris Renin.’

‘Zeidler couldn’t frighten a mouse.’

‘I agree, but you were right about Renin, and I should have believed you.’ Nicholas sat down in the chair next to her. ‘It was only when the Marinskys arrived that we realised you were in serious danger.’

‘How did you know where to find me?’

‘Intuition or providence, I had a hunch he’d take you to the river. The Marinskys went down one side, Michael and I the other. It was my fault he assaulted you. I am more sorry than you will ever know.’ Nicholas stopped for a moment, frowning. Then he asked, ‘Do you want more wine?’

Anna shook her head and he poured a glass of water, which he placed in front of her.

‘Renin’s been charged with assault and attempted murder. There’ll be a court-martial and Michael Pavel will testify against him. He’ll be locked away for years. Whether we fall by ambition or violence, like diamonds we’re all cut with our own dust. He’ll never come near you again, I promise.’

‘And Michael? Is he still angry with me?’

‘I showed him your drawings and he’s beginning to understand. He’s promised to help us in any way he can.’

And Michael will be reconciled with his sister, Anna thought. Thank God. Sofia’s sacrificed so much already. I couldn’t bear for him to break her heart.

‘Michael Pavel’s a good man.’ Nicholas paused. ‘He loves you.’

‘What makes you think that?’

‘Because he was so distraught he wouldn’t leave the house until the doctor assured him you were out of danger. I’ve never seen anyone so desperate.’

He spoke without mockery or sarcasm, but Anna didn’t want to think about Michael. She changed the subject. ‘Why were you delayed for so long in Moscow?’

‘I had a letter from Olga to give to the tsar. It took a week before I was granted an audience. When he finally received me, he was preparing for a ball, drinking champagne with his valet in attendance. He leant me precisely ten minutes of his time.’

‘Did he agree to her request. Can she marry Peter?’

‘We’ll have to wait and see… I told him, if he wants to prevent the Decembrists being turned into saints, he needs to appoint a decent commandant and get rid of Bernashev.’

‘And why should he listen to you?’

Looking at Nicholas’s handsome face, Anna saw none of the scepticism she knew so well. Behind their steady gaze, his eyes held an uncertainty and keenness that was unusual, before he looked down and ran his hands over his knees.

‘Because he still loves my sister.’

‘And what about you, Nicolay Petrovich? Do you love me?’

The question that had tormented her for so long came out of its own volition. If Nicholas refused to answer, she would know he didn’t love her, and she would never ask him again. She hardly dared breathe as she waited. For a long time, he was silent.

Then he lifted his head. ‘Since we left Davinka, there hasn’t been a moment I haven’t thought about you, not a night when you weren’t in my dreams. If you knew the flames that burned and how hard I tried to beat them down with reason.’

Anna gazed at him, her eyes growing wider. His expression surprised her. Nicholas had the look of someone caught by an emotion he found almost incomprehensible. In that moment, she felt she could see right into him, deep into the depths he had always kept closed against her. There could be no going back from this moment, not for either of them.

Taking her hand, he began exploring the palm with the tip of his finger, his voice soft and vibrant. ‘When I saw you at Kamenka, I knew you were different from anyone I’d ever met.’ You were incapable of subterfuge or pretence, always true to yourself. I fell in love with your blazing honesty.’

‘Is that why you kissed me in Moscow?’

‘I kissed you because you’re beautiful and I didn’t want you to go to Siberia. You broke into my heart and infiltrated my soul, Annushka. I didn’t think it was possible.’

Anna picked up the glass of water, emptying it to the bottom. Nicholas wasn’t saying all this to make her feel better. He spoke lightly but he meant every word. Why hadn’t he told her at Davinka?

‘I had to wait until you were home and no longer under my protection. I didn’t want you to love me out of gratitude and dependency.’ He answered her unspoken question. ‘When Michael Pavel arrived at your house, I could tell you were fond of him…’

‘Michael is like my brother. I’m fond of him but I’ve never been in love with anyone except—’

‘Except Peter Dashkovy?’

‘No! I never loved him. That was just an illusion. I love you, Nicolay Petrovich. Only you! Why didn’t you say something?’

‘I offered you my hand in marriage and was too proud to be rejected more than once.’ Nicholas slipped off his chair and knelt in front of her. ‘But, when I thought you might die that night at the river, I knew I couldn’t live without you. I can’t forgive myself for letting that man hurt you…’ His voice cracked.

Anna leant forwards and took his face in her hands. Nicholas was admitting feelings that had been long suppressed since boyhood, she could tell. He was only fourteen when his parents died, little more than a child when he became head of the family. Varenka had done her best, but he was the one who had cared for Olga. He had had to make himself strong and independent. She understood his aloofness and self-reliance, the discipline that held him back. To say he loved her was an act of faith, contradicting all that he professed to believe. She had thought his strength made him invincible and his pride callous, but she recognised now they were a defence against hurt. For the first time, she understood him completely – his determination that no one should pierce his armour, the barriers he put up and the struggle he must have gone through to resolve the conflict within himself.

An hour ago, she had thought she had lost him forever. Now, suddenly, she felt something she hadn’t experienced for a long time – a rush of joy bubbling up inside her.

‘Why don’t you ask me again, Nicolay?’

‘Do I stand a better chance this time?’

Anna smiled.

‘Will you marry me, Anna Ivanova?’

‘Do you promise you will always love me?’

‘I promise.’

‘And my parents? Will you help me take care of them?’

‘We’ll be close to them here. And we’ll invite them to Davinka for the summer. It will do Count Brianski a world of good.’

The countryside and tranquillity of Davinka would make her father better, Anna thought. And Valentina would be happy there. She imagined her reading in the garden, her father riding out with Nicholas to visit the Marinsky stud, his unsolicited advice welcomed by Anastasia and Rubin. Her parents would be surrounded by people who understood their suffering and would find consolation in their company.

‘Please make up your mind.’ Nicholas took her hand and lifted it to his lips. ‘Or are there more conditions?’

‘No! I mean yes! Yes, I will marry you! I should have accepted the first time and saved us both a lot of trouble.’

‘Maybe neither of us were ready. You needed to be with your family, and I had to make myself stop fighting so hard not to love you.’

‘You only learn to love by being loved…’Anna had read that in some book, but she couldn’t remember where. Nicholas loved her! He wanted her as his wife. He had loved her for longer than she knew. She felt as if a calm hand had touched and soothed her spirit. Nicholas would be with her for the rest of her life. He would never leave her.

‘I’ll visit your parents tomorrow and formally ask Count Brianski for your hand. Will he give his permission, do you think?’ A smile creased the corners of his eyes as he came to his feet.

‘You’d better ask Mama first. Goodness, what shall we say to Varenka?’

‘I told her of my intentions when you were ill. Varenka wasn’t sure you’d have me and will be delighted. I think she’s enjoyed seeing me on the rack for love…’ He glanced at the clock. ‘She suggested I help you to bed this evening.’

Anna leant on Nicholas as she limped across the room. When she put her weight on her foot, pain lanced through her leg and he locked one arm around her waist and lifted her carefully onto the bed. He pulled up the coverlet, then fetched a basin with warm water and towels. As she washed, he unpinned her hair, lifting the heavy tresses, and kissed her bare shoulder. He gently stroked her back until the pain left her. She turned and lifted her lips to his. Her fingers combed through his thick hair, then circled his neck, holding his head down with his mouth on hers.

It was almost dark, the last of the light rippling over the bed as Nicholas lay down beside her. He held her close and kissed her, then drew back and laid his hand against her cheek.

There were seabirds flying over the Neva, their cries rising and falling before night set in, and Anna closed her eyes. There was no need for words. Nicholas knew what was in her heart and mind. He is my safety and my inspiration, she thought. I love him and he truly loves me. Once we are married, we’ll make the journey to Siberia together to see Sofia and Sasha, Maria and Olga. With Nicholas by my side, I will go on fighting until they’re allowed to come home. I will never give up. One day, they’ll be free. One day, everyone shall be free. And we will be together again.