Chapter 48
CHAPTER 48
SOMEONE’S SOMEBODY BY LEVI RANSOM
Brianne Archer:
Madeline was eager to meet with me the second I messaged her so we set up an appointment for today, during the first week of April. I told Leah that my appointment was today. Just to follow up with her and let her know. So the past hour I’ve debriefed my therapist on what’s been happening since I decided to stop seeing her before Thanksgiving. She’s been listening well. Talking to me here and there. I swore once the hour mark hit that she would tell me we needed to meet next week but she kept me going, saying she booked us extra time, figuring we had a lot to talk about.
“I just feel like I lose everyone and everything,” I admit out loud to her.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but to me, it feels like maybe you push those away so you don’t have to deal with them leaving first, Brianne. Dakota is the perfect example of that. Kamryn too,” she tells me and I clamp my mouth shut. I did push them away. I did that.
“And you don’t want to reach out to them because why?” She asks.
“They wouldn’t forgive me,” I admit.
“Or have you not forgiven yourself so you’re convincing your mind that they wouldn’t either,” she tells me.
“Ouch,” I mutter.
“I’m sorry. It’s been too long. Our talks were always productive… I think you calling me again was productive,” she tells me.
“I’m happy I did,” I admit.
“Are you going to do anything about the other men in your life?” she asks.
“Only one other man is in my life. And I can’t talk to Bellamy if I don’t have a reason to.” I tell her.
“Okay. We can revisit that if you ever feel like it… But today I think you’ve gotten a lot off of your chest. I think you’re learning that healing isn’t linear. From anything traumatic that happens in your life. And it’s not the same. For anyone. Parker dealt with something similar to what you did in a very different way. But even his feelings are different from yours.” She explains and I ignore the burn when his name is mentioned.
“Healing is horrible,” I tell her.
“It’s not easy, no…” She agrees. “For the record I think your brother and you would benefit from a talk.” She tells me and I nod.
“Can I think about it?” I ask her.
“Of course… Can we meet again next week Brianne, is that okay?” she asks and I nod.
“I think that would be a really good idea,” I admit out loud, my chest feeling a weight lift.
“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” she asks and I nod. I hug my knees to my chest.
“One of my easiest coping mechanisms is dancing. I have a dance recital in two weeks. I have one ballet solo as well as a contemporary lyrical solo. My dance teacher says it’s my strongest style next to ballet. I decompress when I dance and I think that’s what I want to do today,” I tell her.
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit Bri. For how strong you are. And how well you take care of yourself even if you need help and guidance,” she tells me and I feel my lips turn up into a genuine smile.
“Thank you. My… My friend Leah actually said the same thing last week,” I tell her. Calling Leah my friend for the first time ever and liking the way it sounds.
“You should listen to your friend. I’ll see you next week,” she tells me and hangs up, leaving me to change and put my clothes on.
I skip the leotard and settle for a pair of tight spandex shorts and a cut t-shirt that shows my collarbone and shoulder because this is the only thing I actually prefer to dance in.
* * *
I turn on my music and scurry to the middle of the dimly lit dance studio. I prefer it darker in here, only a backlight from the hallway and the cubby holes in the wall. It feels better this way. The soft sound of the piano drives me. The deepness of the bass could shake the dance studio but it doesn’t matter because no one is around.
The lyrics alone are always something I could move to, with or without choreography. The truth behind them and how I feel in relation. Part of me chose this song in hopes Bellamy would hear it when he came to my dance recital and would talk to me afterwards. But I can’t bank on that… So I leave my feelings on the floor. I dance with passion and power, the choreography me and my professor mastered and created blending so well with the vocals and musicality of the song. I throw myself into it. Dancing on the floor, in the air, in my chest, in my mind. My entire body is enthralled in the process.
My favorite part of the song picks up and I run on the floor, fighting each part of myself. The part that’s too scared to ask for help. The part begging to be heard. The part wishing for someone. The part wanting to be alone and okay with that. The part of me that wants to be what I was when I had Dakota. When I had Bellamy. When I had Parker. When I had anyone but me. Healing is not linear. And even when I do heal I know the truth of these words will always hit. No matter what I will always want to be wanted. If not by anyone around me, by myself. And I haven’t been feeling the want and need for myself until recently..
The song ends and I stop myself on the floor in my ending pose, my back rising and falling rapidly from the full out performance. I keep my cheek pressed to my knee, my body curled up in my final pose. I breathe that way, hugging myself for more reasons than just the one. Then a soft clap brings me out of my trance and I’m instantly scared of who will be standing there. I look up and into the mirror in front of me, seeing a familiar head of dusty blonde hair. I turn around in the dim light to see Dakota walking toward me in socks because he definitely knows better than to wear shoes in the studio.
“Mind if I sit?” he asks and I shake my head no, not able to speak. He snatches my water bottle from the front of the room and hands it to me.
“Is that for your recital?” he asks me and I nod again. “I don’t think I’ve ever been around you when you’ve been this quiet. It’s me, Baby…” He sits down next to me, pulling one knee up.
“Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting you to… I didn’t expect to see you.” I admit.
“Well, I was getting tired of waiting for you to come to me. So I made the jump,” he tells me.
“I heard about you and Nico… I’m sorry Dak,” I tell him.
“We both agreed on it… It’s not a never. It’s just not now. Neither of us are really ready for a relationship and I’m honestly overwhelmed with life right now… That and missing you,” he admits and my heart jumps. I relax from the dancer position but still hold my knees to my chest.
“That song was… It was a sad one,” he tells me and I nod.
“It’s beautiful though. And the lyrics are…” I hesitate.
“Exactly how you’re feeling right now?” he asks and I nod.
“How did you know where I was?” I ask.
“I went to your apartment. Bellamy answered and looked relieved to see me. I think he’s worried about you…” he admits and I nod.
“I’m starting to think the same thing as of lately which means my facade isn’t working,” I tell him.
“So I assume that means you haven’t been talking to him?” he asks me and I shake my head.
“Not about anything we should talk about,” I sigh.
“Which is what?” he asks.
“Kind of just what I was dancing about. I know a lot of what I think and feel is in my head. It comes from my own hurt and insecurity. But I… I have given a lot up for my brother. I have done a lot for him and I love him and would do it all again. But I also think that maybe I'm coming to terms with how unfair our relationship has been. Not by his doing, but by my own,” I admit.
“That’s a big step for you,” he nods.
“Because you were right. My brother’s feelings should never control my happiness. But my happiness should never come from any man… Friend, brother, or boyfriend.” I tell him. “I do feel that way. Like I’m constantly battling on what I want and what I think I should want based on what others tell me. I feel wrong and confused and… and I’ve never been this unhappy or felt this unloved. The past four months have been the loneliest moments I’ve ever had,” I admit.
“I’ve been so worried about you, B…” he tells me, and my heart lurches.
“I’m sorry. For pushing you away. And for lying. Because I didn’t start going to therapy again like I had said. I started back today and I just… I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. And I shouldn’t have doubted you either, that was why I waited to talk to you. I thought you’d hate me for how I acted,” I tell him.
“You could never make me hate you, Baby,” he smirks.
“I’m serious. Leah has practically forced me to heal and move forward. I ran into Parker and had a mental breakdown at the gym. I just… I’ve realized a lot of this was my fault. My mistake. But what made me happy? What I did to make me happy wasn’t a mistake and I shouldn’t look at it as that. What was a mistake was ever trying to go through a breakup without my best friend. I’m sorry,” I apologize.
“I love you, B. I don’t need you to apologize. I understand why you said what you did and honestly. I have never had a relationship with a sibling like you and Bellamy because I don’t have a sibling… I’d never understand that commitment you have. I’m sorry I didn’t respect your feelings on it,” he tells me and I nod.
“I love you Dak,” I smile at him and feel tears in my eyes once again.
I wonder when the hell all of this will stop hurting and when I’ll dry out of tears but part of me thinks it’ll never be. Pain is proof of healing. At least I hope that’s what all of this is for.
“Are you okay? Really okay?” he asks me and I shake my head no.
He opens his arms and I practically crawl into his grasp. He hugs me tightly. The first real bit of human contact I’ve had in weeks and I crush Dakota to me. I also cry. And he lets me do just that. He holds me like he’s done this type of comforting for me his whole life and I’ve never been more thankful for a person. Dakota is my someone. He has been. Him making the step for me to break our silence is more than I could ever ask of anyone. He’s a better person than I could be.
“Can you make me a promise that next time you’re hurt, which will hopefully be never, you’ll ask for space and not bite my head off when I try to help?” he asks and I nod.
“Yes… I promise.” I nod through my tears.
“Also promise me that if you need help you’ll ask for it. That you won't let yourself struggle like you have the past 4 months. Thank god for Leah Ashley. I never thought I’d say that but seriously.” He laughs lightly. I nod and sniffle.
“I promise… Also, I think I got tears and snot on your shirt,” I tell him.
“It’s fine, this wasn’t my favorite shirt or anything,” he jokes and we both laugh.
Fixing things. Mending what’s broken and also making sure that I’m mending myself too. I do want to be happy but I can’t achieve that without fixing myself first. Madeline was right. It’s not linear. And if apologies are what’s on my schedule today, I have another one to add to my roster.
“I need to go see Kamryn.” I wipe my nose and Dakota stands and helps me off the ground.
“Movie night afterward?” he asks.
The relief I feel is a weight that’s completely lifted from my chest. I smile with closed lips, unable to stop the emotion.
“I’d love to…” I tell him, trying not to cry.
Dakota hugs me again and leaves, so I go to my phone and ask Kamryn where she is. At our apartment, no surprise there. I grab my things and head that way, driving slowly to think about what I need to say. I drive silently, no music, no radio talk shows, nothing. When I pull up to our complex I take a deep breath and head up, not letting myself second guess my own thoughts.
“B, is that you?” Kamryn asks from her and Bellamy’s bedroom.
“Yeah, are you alone?” I ask, dropping my bag. I open the door to my brother's bedroom and she sits on the bed, homework spread in front of her.
“Lawson and Bellamy went out. What did you need to talk to me about?” she asks.
I stare at her from the door, holding onto it for safety despite knowing I don’t need it. Kamryn is always honest but she’s never cruel. I feel like I need the protection from my own vulnerability. It has nothing to do with her. She sits there, her skin clean, her black hair in a high ponytail that still trails down her back. She tilts her head and furrows her brows.
“Is everything okay?” she asks me and I slightly break, my face falling. “Aw B, come here, what’s wrong?”
“I’m… I was going to talk to you but I obviously can’t do that. I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” I admit, stepping into the room.
“For what? Oh my god, you have nothing to be sorry for, what is wrong?” She gets up, completely discarding all the work that was in her lap.
She gets up and approaches me. She’s shorter than me, but not by much. She holds my shoulders and looks me in the eyes.
“For what I said when everything first happened a few months ago. For putting you in the middle of this entire situation at all. You're the best thing that’s happened to my brother and I almost ruined that. On top of it, I messed up the small relationship we built and what I said was uncalled for, I—”
“Shhh, Bri, take a deep breath. Come here.” Kamryn hugs me and I hug her back, smelling her fresh scent.
She smells kind of like my brother, clean and fresh and so comforting.
“I understand why you feel the need to apologize so I accept it. But I just want you to know, I get it. You’re dealing with your feelings. I'm a victim to the same damn thing sometimes. We… We usually snap at the people we love the most. I’ve definitely learned that, and I didn’t take it to heart. Honestly it made me feel like a sister. Like a part of the family.” She smiles when she pulls back from the hug.
“You look like you could kill someone, but you’re actually really sweet,” I tell her.
“It’s my secret weapon, but only the good people know I’m sweet deep down. B, you’re like the sister I was never lucky enough to have. I appreciate the apology, but it’s not needed. I just want… I just want all of this to be past us,” she admits and I nod.
“Me too. I’ve been doing a lot better,” I admit.
“I can tell, but Bri—”
“That was all I needed. Just to apologize. And to say I love you. Thank you too,” I tell her and she nods.
“I love you too…” She nods and I think about Bellamy.
If I should maybe do what Leah said and talk to him. If I should ask Kamryn… But the last thing I want to do is bring her into this again. So I just squeeze her shoulder and make my exit, waiting for Dakota to head over here. There’s only so much I can fix… And some things take time. Maybe that’s what Bell and I need. More time.