Chapter 34
T he cemetery’s entrance was bleaker than Ellie remembered.
New snow covered the red bricks, and grass hibernated under an endless white landscape accentuated by the dramatic blue sky.
The tires caught a patch of ice as Drake steered them into a parking space.
He hadn’t told her where they were going, but she’d had a gut feeling this was it.
“Is this okay with you?” he asked. “Coming here.”
“Yeah,” Ellie said. “I mean, I would’ve preferred brunch, but—”
“We could visit another time. If you’re not ready.”
“No.” Ellie turned the music down a little.
“I want to do this.” She could feel herself stalling.
“I mean, want is a strong word.” The actual headstone was what she dreaded most. In her mind, she’d always pictured a fake version, like something from the Halloween store.
Facing Ben’s name etched in stone, lodged in the frozen earth, would make it all real.
Still, as hard as it would be to see, hadn’t she learned that not knowing was worse?
She had already confronted the worst night of her life at the cinema.
She’d survived it. “I’m ready,” Ellie said.
Drake opened her car door for her, then headed to the trunk.
The wind was strong; Ellie could hear different tones in it.
Behind her, the trunk whooshed open. Snow glued itself to her black tights as she followed the path Drake’s shoes forged.
When she reached his side, he concealed whatever he had taken out of the trunk under his coat and offered up his left arm for support.
“I brought something for Ben,” he said. “It’s not flowers.”
Ellie rested her head against him as they walked into the distance.
She was clueless about the actual location of the grave, but Drake’s footsteps were purposeful.
Two people waited at the edge of the cemetery far from the main road.
Ellie’s fingers clenched as they came into view. She stopped walking.
“You invited my dad?” she asked. Naomi waved in the distance. “And Naomi. Naomi . What is this, Drake? An intervention? A séance?”
“We can still turn around.” His grip was firm on her shoulders. “But I know you can handle this, Ellie. It’s time.” She tried to worm her way out of his grasp. He pulled her closer. “I’m here with you.” Drake’s words were soft. “We can do this together.”
A new voice caused them both to turn back toward the car: “Sorry I’m late!
” Sandra wore a floor-length black coat that looked surreal dragging along the winter landscape.
Her dyed blonde hair was held back by a sheepskin hat, and as usual, her makeup was pristine.
“Ellie,” she said. “How are you? Did you like the gift?”
Ellie sighed. It was so like her mom to bring up a gift at the most inopportune time. “Yes, Mom,” she said, though she still hadn’t opened it. “I loved it.”
“You did?” Sandra pulled Ellie close and whispered right in her ear. “It’s time you had it,” she said.
After the five of them said their hellos and exchanged hugs, they huddled around the headstone together.
BEN MARSHALL 1985–2007 A LOVING SON AND KIND brOTHER. YOU’LL STAY IN OUR HEARTS.
Drake thought the whole thing was going well so far.
It had been easier than he expected to get her parents there.
Calling them individually and admitting that he thought Ellie needed this closure was enough.
Despite her constant monologue about how they didn’t care, they’d shown up on time, without judgment.
William suggested they take turns addressing Ben. Since no one else piped in to start, Drake broke the ice. “Hey, Ben,” he said, taking a step closer to the headstone. Ellie’s family turned their attention to him. “It’s great to finally meet you.”
Drake started to regret his bravery. He was the only one who hadn’t met Ben.
He probably shouldn’t have volunteered to go first. “I, uh, didn’t know you, but it’s been incredible to learn more about you lately.
I think that so many things I love about Ellie are hijinks she picked up from you.
” Hijinks , meaning rulebreaking, might have been the wrong thing to say with her parents present.
Drake glanced between William and Sandra.
Neither of them seemed offended, and William used Drake’s hesitation as his cue to take over.
“You know, I say that I’m out there, in the woods, building this life I love.
And that’s true.” The squeeze he gave Naomi’s hand was so slight that Drake almost missed it.
“But I think the truth is also, it was too hard to keep going on like everything was fine when …” William nodded.
Naomi patted his shoulders. “When you were gone,” he said, then looked right at Ellie.
“But I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.
” The wind howled. Sandra cleared her throat to speak.
“I was going to bring flowers,” she said.
“Then, I thought, you don’t need flowers.
I realized the flowers have always been for me.
I want it to seem like I’m holding it together.
But what you really need, is us to be here for you. To remember you.”
Sandra pulled her hat down on her head. Ellie inched closer to her mom, and she started to speak.
“Hey, Ben. It’s good to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t visited before.
Avoiding. That’s what I do best. Not grief.
” Ellie paused. Across the huddle, her dad motioned for her to keep going.
“Listen, I’m so sorry for what happened that night.
For someone who loves the past, I’ve tried really hard to push my own away.
But the truth is, I could never push you away.
You are the inspiration for my life’s work, Ben.
Because I save places that are special. Places that are beautiful and quirky and wonderful.
Places that remind me of you. Places that deserve a second chance. Because I couldn’t save you.”
William moved over to put his arm around Ellie.
“I’ve spent the last years punishing myself for what happened.
I could’ve called faster. I could’ve not asked you for a ride at all.
I could’ve not pointed out that the light was green …
” Ellie was stumbling. She paused to find clarity.
“But I think maybe I also feel this way because if I’m to blame, then there’s something to point to.
It’s somehow, in this super messed-up way, easier than thinking that the world just takes the people we love from us in an unexpected moment.
Eating french fries or listening to cheesy college radio.
This thought that people I love could be gone at any moment is so terrifying that it makes me hide away. ”
This time, Ellie’s mom moved closer.
“Because I miss you so much.” Her voice was shaking.
“You’ve got this, Ellie,” Drake said.
“But I think, what I need, Ben, are other people,” she was louder now. “I need to stop believing that losing you is all mine. Losing you is all of ours. And I love you. We love you. We love you so much, Ben.”
Ellie broke down. She felt her head in her dad’s hands and her mom’s nails running up and down her back.
Naomi and Drake moved in, too. The tears fell fast. Sandra made humming sounds, not to quiet but to soothe, and Ellie cried harder at the revelation that her mother could—on rare occasions—nurture her.
Sandra broke off from the group first. She touched the stone with her hand, then bent down to get a better look. “It’s not exactly right, is it?” she admitted, cutting through the tears. “The epitaph. I wrote it in the middle of everything, but I’m worried it doesn’t suit him.”
“Maybe it’s a little plain,” William agreed.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a Phil Collins song,” Ellie said, trying to pull herself together.
“Not exactly,” Drake added. “But close.”
Ellie spread her hands out, as if quoting something. “How about, Ben Marshall: Mischievous brother and kindhearted troublemaker.”
“A loving, goofy, stretcher of truths,” William piped in.
“A wonderful son and window–escape artist,” Sandra added, and gave Ellie a knowing look. “Oh, don’t act surprised, Ellie. I saw everything.”
For some reason, all of them found this terrifically funny.
They told stories about Ben until the sun began to set.
Ellie explained that, on one of their many nights escaping through the window, they drove three hours to stand on the state lines.
Ben made them do all kinds of tricks with the goal of breaking a world record: the most cartwheels on a state line or most pretzels eaten on a state line.
Sandra brought up a year when Ellie and Ben turned the guest bedroom into a haunted house for Halloween without telling her, and she’d walked in to find it covered in cobwebs and Victorian dolls.
When the sky stretched into different shades of orange, Drake brought out what he’d grabbed from the back of the trunk. It was a black tape player like the one Ben had brought to the abandoned mansion. He set it in Ellie’s hands.
“What is this?” Ellie asked.
“Maybe … Maybe this will help you stay connected to Ben.” He pulled her close. “I mean I know he’s not here , here. But after all those years of trying to forget, maybe it’s time to remember.”
“Drake,” she said, beginning to tear up again. “Thank you for doing this.”
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s everything. I mean, how can I thank you for bringing—”
“Easy,” he told her. “Just press Play.”
Ellie pressed her thumb down. David Bowie’s opening to “Oh! You Pretty Things” came through the speakers.
The music moved its way into the cracks of the earth around Ben’s grave, floated above their heads, and spread out and around to mingle with the ghosts.
It was the same song that played so many years ago on the night when Ellie learned a powerful lesson.
Visiting people, and places, could keep them from being forgotten.