The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Chapter 17

SEVENTEEN

I watch Ellie sleep for a long time. I can’t remember the last time she slept so soundly. The irony hurts as I glance at the bags of our stuff under the coffee table. I packed everything up during the night. I couldn’t sleep anyway. As ever, our stuff fits into a couple of Tesco plastic bags. The big ones with bag-for-life written across the bottom. Although, the writing on one of the bags is fading now, and says bag-for-if . My heart aches as I read the words that so accurately sum up Ellie and me. Bag for if. If your boyfriend is a liar. If your father is a cheat. If you’ve nowhere to go and no one to turn to. If you’re scared. If only it was all so different. If!

I wipe the tear that trickles down the side of my nose, paste on a wide smile and wake Ellie.

‘C’mon, sweetheart,’ I whisper, kissing her cheeks. ‘It’s a beautiful day.’

My daughter turns away from me and tucks her knees close to her chest as she snuggles her favourite teddy. Sir Loves-a-lot is missing one eye and the patch just below his ear on the same side is hugged threadbare. But Ellie loves him nonetheless. I do too. Because on the days when it’s hardest and I worry that I can’t keep going, Ellie asks me if I want to hug Sir Loves-a-lot. The three of us snuggle together and in that moment, just for a moment, everything feels okay.

‘My tummy hurts,’ Ellie whispers, with her eyes still closed, and when she wrinkles her nose her puffy round cheeks scrunch.

‘You’re hungry,’ I explain. ‘I’m starving too.’

Cora and Finton were in the middle of their dinner last night when Ellie and I got in. When Cora asked us to join them Finton nearly choked on his broccoli. So, Ellie and I had dinner on the couch instead. We shared a couple of packets of crisps and a rice cake bar that I picked up in the vending machine in work, and Ellie happily munched away while watching Paw Patrol .

‘Coco Pops,’ Ellie suggests, sitting up and opening her eyes. She’s suddenly so full of energy and smiles and I’ve no doubt she’s thinking about the chocolatey milk that she loves to drink when she gets to the bottom of the bowl.

‘Not this morning,’ I say, glancing at my watch.

It’s 6.23. Cora’s alarm will go off in seven minutes for her early shift and I’d really like to be gone by then.

‘But I so hungry.’ Ellie rubs her stomach for effect.

‘I know,’ I say. ‘Okay, arms up.’

Ellie knows the drill, and she raises her arms above her head and I tug her pyjama top off and pull on her favourite pink unicorn t-shirt and matching jumper. I do the same with her leggings, then stuff her warm pyjamas into one of the Tesco bags. I guide her arms into her coat and zip it up before I add her hat and gloves.

‘Quickly,’ I puff out, as I straighten the cushions on the couch and leave the blanket folded on the coffee table.

‘I’m so hungry,’ Ellie says again, and she adjusts her hat that she doesn’t bother to complain is scratchy the way she normally does.

‘We’re going out for breakfast this morning,’ I tell her, trying to sound excited.

‘Out?’

‘Mm-hmm.’ I pick up the plastic bags, taking them both in one hand. I reach my other hand out and Ellie curls her chubby fingers round mine.

‘Right,’ I say, tilting my head towards the door. ‘Let’s go.’

I take one last look around Cora and Finton’s flat. Content that there is no trace that Ellie and I were ever there, I open the front door just as Cora’s alarm goes off. The chilly contrast in the corridor takes my breath away. There’s floor-to-ceiling glass at each end of the long corridor and a stairwell almost directly in front of us. A draught seems to sneak in the windows and climb the stairs to accumulate into a tiny, freezing cyclone on this very spot, trying to claw at the skin on my face and force me back into the flat.

I wait for Ellie to complain about the cold, or her empty stomach or her uncomfortable hat, but she squeezes my hand and chirps, ‘Let’s go out.’

‘Let’s,’ I say.

I have no idea where to go. Or if anywhere local will be open this early. We might need to ride around on the bus for a while to keep warm. Luckily, Ellie loves the bus.