The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Chapter 38

THIRTY-EIGHT

Ellie doesn’t seem to recognise the apartment block above the coffee shop, or, if she does, she doesn’t refer to it as home. She’s more concerned with which cookie to choose as we both follow our noses towards the scent of coffee and sugar wafting from the open door.

I glance at my watch. It’s six oh fivep.m. We’re five minutes late. The café closes at sevenp.m., giving us less than an hour to talk. But as I glance around the funky café with its minimalist industrial décor, I can’t spot Declan. Ellie and I approach the counter and she presses her nose against the glass display table, eying up the limited selection of cookies remaining at this hour of the day.

‘Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.’ Her brow furrows as she concentrates.

The teenage girl with pink hair and a handful of facial piercings behind the counter tells Ellie, ‘The chocolate chip ones are the best.’

The chocolate chip ones are almost as big as Ellie’s head and twice the price of all the others. Ellie tugs my arm.

‘Can I have a chocolate chip one please?’

I wince, but decide I’ll eat whatever Ellie can’t finish. I order an apple juice too and take out my phone to pay. Then a voice behind me says, ‘What? No coffee?’

‘Daddy.’ Ellie’s face lights up.

Declan opens his arms and she throws herself into his grip and he lifts her off the ground.

‘Trying to cut down on my caffeine,’ I say.

He makes a face and I hate that he can always tell when I’m lying.

‘You look great,’ he says, as if I’ve changed massively in the couple of weeks since he last saw me.

I don’t return the compliment.

‘I’ll get this,’ he says, as if buying a cookie and juice for his own daughter is some sort of grand gesture. ‘Are you sure I can’t tempt you with something, Bea?’

Much as I would absolutely love a coffee, I shake my head. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of buying anything for me.

‘Just these,’ he points towards the cookie and juice, ‘and an Americano please?’

He taps his phone and the girl tells us to take a seat and she’ll bring them down to us. Ellie chooses some high stools inside the window so she can people-watch.

‘Will she be all right up there?’ he asks me as I lift her up and push her in so she can reach the narrow, bench-style table against the window.

I snort. ‘She’s always fine sitting here,’ I tell him.

Another lie. Ellie has never sat here before in her life. I try to push away the irritation that now, suddenly, he is concerned for his daughter’s wellbeing after she’s spent nights sleeping on a storage room floor. I try to keep a lid on my feelings, reminding myself that he can’t possibly know we’re sleeping at the hospital.

Declan and I sit on stools either side of Ellie and the barista sets our order down.

‘Enjoy,’ she says, walking away.

Declan takes a sip of coffee, and I can tell by his face that it’s much too hot and he’s burned the roof of his mouth. I allow myself to smirk for a moment before wiping it off my face.

‘How was Christmas?’ he asks, turning to help Ellie poke the small plastic straw into the carton of juice.

‘So good,’ I say. ‘We spent it with friends.’

‘Ah, how is Cora?’ he asks, a little juice spilling over the edge of the straw as he pokes it in.

‘She’s fine. She was with her parents for Christmas.’

‘Oh, lovely. So you were in Wexford for the big day. I bet Ellie enjoyed that.’

‘No,’ I say, firmly. ‘Cora was in Wexford. Like I said, Ellie and I spent the day with friends. Here in Dublin.’

He looks confused and I enjoy it.

‘We goed to Malco’s house,’ Ellie says, with a mouthful of cookie.

‘Malco?’ Declan asks.

‘Yes, Malcolm and Shayne. You don’t know them,’ I go on. ‘But they kindly hosted Christmas and it was wonderful. The best Christmas Ellie and I have ever had, hands down.’

Declan tries his coffee again, and when he finds it’s still too hot he pushes it away and sighs. ‘I’m so sorry, Bea. I never should have put you in that position…spending Christmas with strangers.’

My gut clenches as if I’ve just been punched. I spent many, many Christmases with strangers growing up. That’s not what this was. It’s not what it felt like. Christmas with Malcolm and Shayne was wonderful. It was fun and welcoming and special. I want to tell him, but I know no matter what I say it will sound like a petty retaliation.

There is some silence, before I take a deep breath and ask, ‘Why are you here?’

Declan rubs his face with his hands, then lowers them and clasps them on his lap, as if he’s not quite sure where to put them.

‘I fucked up, Bea.’

Ellie almost drops her cookie and a look of horror sets on her face. ‘Oh, Daddy, that’s a bad word. Bad words are naughty.’

‘You’re right, Ellie, I’m sorry,’ he tells her.

She accepts his apology, smiles and returns to munching on her giant cookie. Declan leans back, so Ellie is no longer blocking his view of me. I lean slightly so my gaze can meet his. I want to look him in the eye for this conversation.

‘Do you really mean that?’ I ask.

He draws a cross on his chest with his fingertip.

‘And your wife? Does she know you’re here? Telling me this?’

‘She does. It’s over. I told her it’s you I want. You and Ellie.’

I narrow my eyes. I don’t believe him. I not sure I even want to. Just a few weeks ago, he told me she was his priority. Now it’s me and Ellie. Something has changed his perspective, but I’m not sure it’s us.

‘So yummy,’ Ellie says, dragging the sleeve of her coat across her mouth to dry up the chocolatey mess.

‘That’s good, chickpea,’ he says. ‘Eat up.’

‘So what are you saying here, Declan?’ I ask.

His eyes burn into mine until I feel the heat of them, as if they are scorching my soul. I want to look away and avoid getting singed, but I don’t let myself.

‘Can we rewind? Go back to the way everything was.’

The inside of my head is pounding and my brain is screaming, 'No! No! NO!’ But I look at Ellie, swinging her legs back and forth, sitting carefree between her parents, and I know I have to hear him out.

‘I spoke to the landlord,’ he goes on, before casually trying his coffee for a third time. ‘The fecker upped the rent cos there was so much interest, but it’s worth it. He can’t put a price on being back home with you and Ellie.’

Anger explodes inside me, like fiery lava. Ellie and I have been sleeping on a cold floor all this time and our old home was vacant? I close my eyes, but open them again quickly when I find everything spinning. My brain pulses and I wish I could clamp my hand over my mouth to make holding a huge scream inside easier.

‘What do you say, Bea. Can we give it another go?’

My fists clench and shake as I force them to stay by my sides. I take some deep breaths to try to make the pounding inside my head stop.

‘Bea?’ he says.

Ellie drinks her juice and there’s a loud slurping sound as she guzzles the last few sips. My eyes water, watching her. She’s full of happiness as she enjoys her sugary treats. It’s just a cookie and some juice, but I will most likely be unable to afford either once I start paying rent somewhere. I’m not even sure what groceries I will be able to afford. Declan is offering us our old life back. A warm, safe home, and healthy food in the fridge. Ellie needs that. She deserves it. As much as I would love to hop off this stool, gather her into my arms and walk out the door, I can’t.

‘Yeah, okay, maybe we could give it another go,’ I say, and the words taste like bitter coffee in my mouth.

‘That’s my girl,’ Declan says. ‘I’ll get all the paperwork sorted. We’ll be home before you know it.’

Home , I repeat silently in my head. Ellie will have a home again. It will all be worth it. It has to be.