The Secret Life of Beatrice Alright

Chapter 42

FORTY-TWO

Elaine escorts us downstairs. She insisted on helping us with our bags, and now a Tesco plastic bag of teddies dangles from her hand. Her other arm is linked round mine, vise-like, and she keeps repeating, ‘It will be all right, Bea. It will.’ As if hearing her trying to convince herself she is doing the right thing somehow helps me or Ellie in any way. Ellie, thankfully, is sleeping in my arms. Her chest is pressed against mine and her head is resting on my shoulder. I can feel her warm, gentle breath on my neck as her legs flop beside my hips with each step forward. I’m struggling to keep hold of her and the other bag, but Elaine clearly has no intention of letting me go.

A taxi is waiting outside the main hospital doors. And the driver takes the plastic bags that encapsulates Ellie and my entire lives, and places them into the boot.

‘Straight to StClement’s, please,’ Elaine says commandingly, as if Ellie and I are planning to make a run for it at the first red traffic light. Where she thinks a homeless woman and four-year-old child plan to go is beyond me.

‘It’s a tenner extra for the kid’s seat,’ the driver says, opening the door, and I can see a grubby, backless Toy Story booster seat that is suitable for a child older than Ellie.

‘Yes, yes, that’s fine,’ Elaine says, passing him some cash. ‘This should cover it.’

‘Grand,’ he says, and then he turns his attention to me and his eyes ask if I’m getting in.

‘You’ll be all right, Bea,’ Elaine says once more. ‘They’re expecting you. Millicent who runs the charity is a lovely woman. We had her father with us for end-of-life care a few years back. Very sad. Before you joined us, I think. Anyway, Millicent is looking forward to meeting you. She’ll be at reception when you arrive. And everything will?—’

‘Be all right,’ I finish for her, unable to bear hearing her say it again.

There’s a flash of something on her face. Sadness, or pity, I think. I’m too exhausted to try to make it out.

‘Yes. Yes, it will.’

‘Come on, Ellie,’ I whisper as I bend into the car and secure her in the Toy Story seat. ‘Shh, shh, it’s okay.’

Ellie doesn’t wake fully and when I climb in beside her I guide her head to rest on my shoulder. I take some deep, measured breaths and try to slow my racing pulse. But it doesn’t help. My heart is beating furiously, as if it might vibrate through my chest wall and kill me. If it wasn’t for Ellie, I’m not so sure death would be such a bad thing. My heart beats even faster, scared of the dark places my mind is going, and I try hard to get a grip.

‘You all right back there?’ the driver asks, sitting in behind the wheel.

‘Yes.’ I manage a meek mumble.

‘Don’t worry. That bastard will never touch you again,’ he says, and I’m not sure what Elaine told him. Maybe he thinks Declan hit us. If only he knew that what Declan has done to us is just as soul-destroying. With a confident nod as he starts the engine, ‘Let’s get you to safety,’ he adds, as if he should be wearing his underwear outside his trousers, the way all good superheroes do.

I can only imagine the strings Elaine had to pull to get me and Ellie into StClement’s. A respected charity for the homeless, it used to be a foodbank, but as homelessness in the city worsened the charity expanded and now they have several rooms for the needy. People I used to feel pity for. People we have become.

The drive is across town is short without traffic, and in less than ten minutes the driver announces, ‘We’re here, love. Safe and sound.’

We come to a stop outside an old, whitewashed building that appears to have once been a large church, or a convent perhaps. There are still stained glass windows and some crosses etched into the walls.

As Elaine promised, Millicent is waiting for us. We don’t have to go as far as reception to find her; she greets us at the car door as soon as the driver hops out and opens it for us.

‘Hello, Beatrice,’ she says, with a kind smile, ‘and this must be Ellie.’ She extends her hand and Ellie shakes it.

Millicent is a small, round woman with huge eyes and rosy cheeks.

‘I know this is scary,’ she says, taking the plastic bags from the driver. ‘But everyone here wants to help, and you can stay as long as you need to, okay?’

Past words, I just about manage a single nod.

Millicent shows us around, with a bag in each hand. And I wonder what the etiquette is. Should I take my bags, or leave her to look after them like a host? My face stings with the not-knowingness of it all. Millicent is saying something about cooking rules, and a reading group. I’m not taking any of it in. I spot a table tennis table somewhere, and a kettle and some teabags. I think I spy a toaster and a fridge too. There’s bathrooms and showers. And there’s a smell that reminds me of the hospital – like boiled veg masked with bleach.

‘This time of year is pretty busy, unfortunately. The cold weather makes sleeping rough dangerous,’ she says, leading us up some stairs with a threadbare-in-patches maroon carpet. ‘We only have a foldaway bed, but maybe you could share for tonight. We can make better arrangements in a couple of days when all the staff are back to work after the holidays. There’ll be some admin stuff, but we’ll worry about that then. Let’s just get you settled for now.’

After weeks sleeping crouched in the corner, sharing any sort of bed with Ellie sounds like a dream. Millicent leads us into an upstairs dormitory. It smells much more pleasant up here. Like apple shampoo, or summer potpourri. In spite of the lovely smell, the dorm also reminds me of the hospital, with its six beds. Three on each side, with their headboards spaced evenly against the wall behind them.

‘This is yours,’ Millicent says, pointing to a narrow bed shoved into a free space near a small wardrobe. She leaves the bags down on a leather armchair that looks as if a small animal has chewed the armrest. ‘Sheets are clean, don’t worry. Springs aren’t great though. Sorry about that.’

‘Thank you,’ I mouth, but no sound comes out.

She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently.

‘This is a lot, I know,’ she says. ‘But don’t be scared. You’re safe now.’

I wonder what Elaine told her about my situation. It’s clear Millicent thinks I’m hiding from someone. Perhaps, I am.

‘I’ll leave you to get settled,’ she says, pulling her hand away, and when she lets me go I suddenly feel cold. ‘But if you need anything, I’m working all night. You’ll usually find me near the coffee machine. Or playing table tennis, if I can muster up a partner.’

‘Thank you,’ I try again, and this time a meek sound like a mouse is trapped in my throat comes out.

Millicent leaves and I don’t have time to say a word to Ellie before she climbs into the waiting bed and tucks the covers under her chin. I had forgotten how small she looks in an actual bed. My eyes sting and I want nothing more than to climb in beside her and sleep until this whole nightmare ends. But as I slip off my runners, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out, praying it’s Shayne returning my call, but instead I find Cora’s name on the screen. My finger hovers over the accept button but I let it ring out. I can’t pretend to be okay. Not right now. But it has stopped for less than a second when it starts again. Go away. Please, please go away , I beg silently in my head. When it almost rings out for a third time is when I begin to worry that something might be wrong. Cora never calls persistently like this. Not even that time in college when she thought she had the world’s worst hangover but it turned out to be appendicitis and she needed emergency surgery. I pick up.

‘Hello,’ I say, and it comes out as if I’m breathless.

‘Bea,’ she says, sounding equally short of air.

‘What’s wrong?’ I ask.

‘It’s Finton. We broke up.’

I inhale, not sure what to say. Finton is an asshole. I haven’t recently come to this conclusion, and it’s not because he didn’t want a small child sleeping on his couch indefinitely. That’s not what he signed up for, I get that. I don’t like him because of how he treats Cora. Always demanding so much of her time and her headspace, as if he deserves all of her and she shouldn’t waste space on anyone else. He always has something negative to say about everyone. Cora’s mam is too loud apparently, and her dad too quiet. Her friends and colleagues too passive-aggressive. I don’t know what he says about me behind my back. I don’t care. But I care that for years Cora has carried the weight of hiding it. And yet, as I hear her try to squash gentle sobbing, I am broken-hearted for her, because losing someone who is the biggest part of your life is shit, asshole or not. I should know.

‘Can I come around to yours?’ she asks. ‘I can’t be here.’

‘Oh.’ I swallow, flopping onto the bed next to Ellie. It groans under my weight and reminds me of the camping trips my parents took me on when I was a kid. I try to pretend Ellie and I are on an adventure just like the ones of my childhood but, as I glance around the dorm, filled with other women equally broken and lost, my imagination is not that good and it’s hard to pretend that this room is anything but an endurance test for us all right now.

‘Bea?’ Cora whispers, requesting my attention again. ‘You still there?’

‘Yeah. Sorry. Just shocked. I dunno what to say, Cor. This is massively shit. I’m sorry.’

‘Yeah. Thanks. We can talk about it at your place, eh? What’s your address again? My brain is a mess and I can’t remember for shit.’

My mind races. I would love nothing more than to open my front door and wrap my arms round my best friend and give her the hug she so badly needs. The hug we both need. But I don’t have a front door. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot think of an excuse for the situation. I can’t lie to her any more. Not now, when she needs me.

‘I’m not at home right now,’ I say.

Cora chokes back a muffled cough. ‘Oh. Erm. Okay. No worries. Later then? I should probably go for a walk anyway, I’m a mess.’

‘Cora.’ I take a deep breath.

‘Um.’

‘I need to tell you something.’

‘Okay.’

She sounds confused, and I can’t blame her. Why would I pick this exact moment to tell her something important? I wish I didn’t have to.

‘I won’t be at home later, either,’ I say.

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. That’s what I need to tell you. It’s my situation. It’s eh, well, it’s complicated.’

‘Oh.’

I realise I am phrasing this in the worst possible way.

‘I just?—’

‘Will you shut the fuck up,’ someone shouts from across the dorm. Ellie wakes with a jolt and grabs my arm, wide-eyed and trembling. I pull her close to me.

‘What was that?’ Cora asks.

‘I gotta go.’ I hang up, panicking as a tall woman with bleached-blond hair and fiery eyes charges towards me.

‘You think you’re the only one with problems?’ she continues to shout, even though she’s right next to me and Ellie now.

Ellie screams and I can feel her racing heart through her little chest.

‘You’re killin’ me buzz,’ she says. Close up I can see her eyes are glassy and her pupils are dilated.

I wonder if she can see me. Or Ellie. Or if we are a blur.

‘Please,’ I say, placing my finger over my lips. ‘You’re scaring my daughter.’

‘Oh, you’re scaring my kid,’ she mimics.

Ellie starts to cry. ‘I want to go home,’ she sobs as she ducks behind me, hiding as best she can.

The woman presses her hands over her ears as if the noise hurts. The noise outside her head, or the noise inside. I’m not sure. But I’ve been there. I know what it’s like when your mind is so busy that the sound of a pin dropping is enough to slice your brain in half.

‘Are you okay?’ I ask.

She lowers her hands and there is a moment where I think she will apologise, or open up maybe, but without warning her hands are in my hair and she’s tugging me off the bed. Ellie tries to keep hold of me and I reach for her, but I’m dragged away.

I scream.

‘Let my mammy go,’ Ellie cries, standing on the bed like a tiny solider trying to help.

The woman tugs harder and I feel bits of my hair pull away from my scalp as I struggle against her. My arms flap and my shoulders buck as I try to shake her off.

‘Stop it. Stop it,’ Ellie screeches.

I feel the woman’s grip on me slacken for a moment and my heart races faster than ever; I’m afraid that when she lets go of me she’ll hurt Ellie. I take a deep breath and jam my elbow into the woman’s ribs with as much force as I possibly can. A guttural grunt bursts out of her. Ellie yelps again. But my efforts seem to strengthen the woman’s resolve and she slips an arm round my neck, pressing on my windpipe. I will Ellie to run for help, but she’s frozen in place, scared and screaming.

Suddenly, I recognise a man racing towards us. John! From the street.

‘Let her go,’ he bellows.

The tugging stops and I can straighten my head.

‘Ah you’re no fun, John,’ the woman complains, rolling her eyes. ‘I was only fucking with her. I do it to all the newbies. You should see your face.’ She chuckles, pointing at me. ‘Bloody hilarious. Like you’re going to piss your pants. I wouldn’t have hurt ya, you know.

I rub my neck where she has very much hurt me, and then I race to Ellie and hold her tight.

‘You all right?’ John asks.

He looks the same, yet different. He’s wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans and he’s had a haircut and a shave. He looks well rested too, just like any regular man. Equating him with the homeless man at death’s door that Shayne and I took to the hospital is almost impossible.

‘Don’t mind her.’ He points towards the woman. ‘She’s harmless, really.’

I glare at her. It hurts to breathe and I am certain my neck is already starting to bruise.

‘Come on. Let’s get you a cuppa or something.’

The last thing I want right now is tea, but I need to get Ellie out of this room. I need to get her to safety. I need to let John help.

John leads us towards a small kitchenette and fills a kettle with some water.

‘There’s bikkies in the fridge,’ he tells Ellie.

‘It’s okay,’ I tell her when she has trouble letting me go. ‘You can take some.’

Ellie clings to my leg and shakes her head. John makes two cups of tea and places them on a small round table that wobbles when you press on it. We sit, and I take Ellie on my knee.

‘I’m so glad you’re okay,’ I tell him as I wrap my hands round the cup and savour the warmth against my skin. ‘I tried to find you at the hospital but they said you’d gone to a shelter.’ I look around as if to say, here.

‘You checked on me,’ he says.

‘I work at the hospital. Or at least, I think I still do. I need to talk to my boss.’

He cocks his head.

‘She found out we’ve been sleeping in the storage closet at work.’

He snorts. ‘Oh fuck.’

‘Yes. Exactly.’

‘She’s not happy,’ he adds.

‘No. But she’s rarely happy.’

John and I chat for a while. He tells me he was married once, and has two adult kids. ‘About your age,’ he says, with a sigh. ‘Haven’t seen ’em since they were kiddos though. The wife couldn’t take me gambling any more and booted me out. Can’t say I blame her. Managed on me own for a while but the gambling got worse and worse and I lost everything in the end. Don’t even know where the wife and kids are living these days. Hard to believe, isn’t it?’

‘It’s easier to believe than you might think.’

Finally, Ellie feels brave enough to slide off my lap, and I relax ever so slightly as I watch her nervously tiptoe towards the fridge.

‘It’s okay, chickpea,’ I encourage her.

Her face lights up when she pulls a packet of Rich Tea biscuits from the fridge and bites into one. I’m finally smiling when I feel John’s hand on mine. I stop smiling instantly and flinch, and am about to pull away when his lips press against mine and I feel his tongue poke into my mouth. My gag reflex kicks in and I jump back, knocking over my chair. It hits the ground with a bang.

‘What?! No,’ I say, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Outraged and confused.

Ellie watches me, open-mouthed, a chewed-up biscuit in her mouth.

‘Sorry, what I mean is, I’m not looking for anything like this.’ I point to him and then to me. ‘I’m not interested.’

‘Hmm, yeah, that’s not exactly how it works around here,’ he says, dryly.

‘Sorry?’

‘God, stop apologising.’

‘Sorry,’ I say, again. I’m not actually apologising. I’m just so shocked it seems to be the only word slipping out of me right now.

‘Look, I’ll keep big Lizzie off your back, but I won’t do it for nothing, you know,’ he says, with a wink that makes my blood run cold.

‘You want me to kiss you?’

He snorts. It’s loud and ugly and I make a face, repulsed.

‘I’ll need a bit more than a kiss, love.’

Jesus.

‘Or’ — he scrunches his face — ‘I’ll let big Lizzie know you’d be happy to be friends with her, if you know what I mean.’

Suddenly I’m glad John doesn’t know where his wife and kids live. For their sakes.

‘Okay,’ I say, calmly, as if my insides aren’t shaking. ‘I get it. Let me get my little girl settled and I’ll come find you.’

He shakes his head. ‘I’ll wait here.’

‘Okay,’ I say, again a nervous wobble creeping into my voice. ‘I’ll find you here, then.’

‘Don’t be long. Or I’ll come find you instead,’ he says with a wink.

I take Ellie by the hand and walk away. As soon as we turn the corner, I scoop her into my arms and run. I run through the corridor, past the table tennis table, where thankfully Millicent hasn’t found a partner, past an unmanned reception desk and out onto the street. I keep running until the shelter is out of view, and I run some more until my legs burn and my knees feel as if they are going to give way. Then I hail a taxi.

‘Greenway Road, please,’ I say, climbing in and preparing to spend whatever it costs to get the hell out of here.