Chapter 35 We’ll Take My Car
We'll take my car
Paddy
Resting my head on her shoulder, all hope drains from me. She’s so quiet. So visibly confused.
I don’t know what to do.
Squeezing her arm, the warmth from her body is reassuring as I begin questioning what the hell I thought I was doing. I’m not equipped to help her like I should be doing. I’m not trained to the level that she needs.
Trembling, I reach down and take her hand in mine, squeezing tightly.
“You’re shaking.” Her soft voice is calming as she points out the obvious.
I place a gentle kiss on her temple. “I’m good, curly fries.”
She’s not seen it. She’s not seen the real image in her hands. Now what the fuck do I do? Because, after pleading with her, my final attempt to help her understand has failed. I failed her.
Leaning into my touch, Morgan’s body turns rigid.
I close my eyes, soaking up this moment before everything inevitably changes.
“You’ve always been my girl. Even when I couldn’t have you, I’ve loved you with every single part of me.
” Swallowing the lump in my throat before I continue, I notice it’s pitch-black outside.
“I need you to know no matter what happens next, I want to be the man you can count on. When you can’t sleep, I’ll collect all the stars for you.
When you’re lost, I’ll be by your side every step of the way, your hand in mine.
And instead of Kevin, I want to be your favourite person.
I’m not leaving you alone with this. You’ve got me, Morgan. Always.”
Her room remains quiet for far too long after I finish talking.
“Paddy?”
Kissing her head again gently, I reply, “Yeah, curly fries.”
She looks at me as though I’m a stranger. I know she’s had some medication, so this episode won’t be as bad as the last, but it’s there, nonetheless. “Where’s Mum?”
“Downstairs,” I tell her. “Want me to get her?”
Briefly looking around her room, she begins standing to her feet. She shakes her head. “I’ll go find her.”
“I’ll come with you.”
I follow her downstairs and into the kitchen where her parents are. Neither of them are eating the food placed in the centre of the table.
“Everything alright?” Bill asks, eyes flashing to me.
“Yeah,” Morgan says, tone riddled with confusion.
“Why don’t you eat something, love?” Julie asks, grabbing a plate.
Morgan’s hands disappear up the sleeves of her jumper. “No, I’m okay, thank you.”
Trying to comfort her, I wrap my arm around her waist.
Morgan looks at my hand before looking at me.
I slowly drop it, glancing at her parents.
They’re watching me, and it makes me feel sick knowing they can see her so lost.
“Do you want to talk about it, love?” Julie tries again.
I go to speak, but Morgan does before I can. “About what?” The kitchen descends into silence.
My eyes fall, and it takes every ounce of strength I possess not to crumble and fold right here in front of everyone.
“About Holly,” Bill asks. I catch his hand landing on his wife’s beside him.
Julie’s bottom lip wobbles when she looks my way.
I sigh, unable to hold her eye contact.
The tension oozing off Morgan is palpable. Every breath she intakes gets deeper. Shakier.
I slip my hand in hers, forcing her to remove it from under her sleeve. She hasn’t done that in so long, proof of the impact of today.
Not saying a word, I simply nod, getting a small nod back. She doesn’t understand, but she’s trying.
“Can we watch a movie?” she then asks.
Throwing us all off kilter, Bill’s the first to speak as he stands from his stool at the kitchen island. “Now that’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.”
Julie follows more cautiously, moving a dish from the table and putting it back in the oven.
“And Jerry?” Morgan wonders.
“He’s upstairs, love,” Julie answers, placing the oven gloves on the side.
Morgan lightly squeezes my hand. “Will you go get him?”
My lips purse. “Yeah.”
“Thank you. I’ll make some tea.”
I still can’t quite tell how much she’s aware of.
The face staring back at me certainly looks lost, even though she sounds with it.
No part of me likes that we’re skirting around the issue.
Avoiding the giant elephant in the room.
Yet again, I see how easy it is to fall into the trap of going along with these things for the sake of her happiness.
Taking her hand from out of mine with a little too much force, she walks away.
Something’s off.
Everything is right now.
“Ask Jerry if he wants one?”
“Okay.” My eyes stay on the back of her head as she moves around the kitchen. When I finally get my feet to move, the pull towards her only gets stronger, the crack in my heart only gets deeper.
Jesus. I didn’t know it would be this hard.
Swiping my phone from my back pocket, I fire a quick text to Fi briefly telling her what’s gone on. Her worried reply is instant.
Fi: Do you need anything? Can I help?
Keep your phone on you. I’ll call if I need anything
Fi. Okay. Paddy?
Yeah?
Fi: I’m sorry. I didn’t know things were this bad when I asked you to stay
Shoving my phone away, I make it to Jerry’s door, knocking impatiently, wanting to get back downstairs. “You in there?”
The lock on the other side clicks. “What is it?” he asks, eyes red and swollen.
“We’re watching a movie together.” I rake my gaze over his face. He’s been crying.
The muddled look I get matches the way I feel inside. I can’t stop myself from frowning at him.
Rather than give me some smarmy reply, he opens the door wider. “Paddy?”
“What?” I say, hearing how sharp I am with him.
Aggressively swiping his eyes, he blinks away tears. “I’m scared.”
I remain quiet, his honest truth making my feet falter.
Pulling at his hair, staring at the floor, he doesn’t look up when he tells me, “I couldn’t help her. Not once.”
I will myself not to snap at him. “Did you try?”
He nods painfully fast. “Of course I did.”
“How?” I push.
“By carrying on.” His voice is raw. “By keeping things normal. Like I was told to do.”
Hearing the hurt in his voice, I know he only did what their father told him to do. Not really giving how that would have made him feel any thought; pretending life was grand every day, while knowing your sister was slowly fading away, I scrub a hand down my face.
“But they’re not normal,” I console. “Far fucking from it.” It’s not until I look down at him properly do I see eyes the same shade as Morgan’s, waiting for more.
“I get why your parents behaved as though everything was the same, I do. But we have to start treating her like she’s living with a serious mental illness.
Because that’s exactly what’s going on.”
Quickly looking away, he asks, “How do we do that?”
“By helping her through this. By acknowledging her condition and not forcing her to live in the world you and I live in. If that makes any sense.”
He nods, swallowing harshly, trying to hold back his emotions. “Will you be here with her? With us?”
I know he’s asking out of fear. “Every day.” I turn to walk away but look back at him.
“She’s got us. All we can do is make sure we’re there for her when she needs us.
” Then I go, taking steadying breaths as I gather my composure, ready to watch a movie as though everything is fine and fucking dandy when it’s not.
No. I need to keep trying. Need to keep in the moment of attempting to make her see the truth.
Quickly taking the stairs, a cold draft hits me when I make it to the bottom. I peer my head around the kitchen doorway, seeing two mugs left on the side. Making my way over, I find the mugs filled with water, the tea bags stewed for longer than I know Morgan likes.
I walk into the lounge finding Bill and Julie sitting on the sofas. “Jerry’s on his way down.” I look around the room for any signs of Morgan. “Where is she?”
Julie’s head picks up. She looks at me bewildered. “I thought she was with you?”
“She asked me to go fetch Jerry while she was making the teas.”
Bill’s out of his seat, dashing through to the cold kitchen. He spots the unmade drinks, then looks towards the open door which I hadn’t realised before. “Morgan?” He quickly steps outside, shouting her name again. “Morgan!”
My fingers grip the wooden doorframe. My heart beating wildly in my chest.
“Where is she?” Julie asks, her voice terrified.
My feet are suddenly moving. “I’ll check upstairs.” I take the stairs two at a time back to her room, flinging open the door when I get there. “Morgan?” The room’s empty. “Curly fries?” I hotfoot it to her ensuite. Also empty.
“Paddy?”
I spin around to find Jerry.
“What’s wrong?”
“Where is she?”
His eyes sink. His shoulders drop. “I’ll check up here.”
Running past him as he checks the other rooms, sweat breaks out on the back of my neck. “She’s not in her room,” I holler, making it back into the kitchen and pulling out my phone.
No messages.
No missed calls.
“Where is she?” Julie cries, standing motionless.
Bill hurries into the room. “Call the police. She’s not in the house.”
“They’ll take too long,” I reply, knowing that no first responders or officers will be close by. “I’ll take my car. We can look for her.”
Bill dumps his feet into his boots as I search my pockets for my keys. Coming up empty, I run through the house, remembering I chucked them on the side when I brought her home.
Tipping out the small dish, my key isn’t there. Tears sting my eyes like drops of acid.
No.
I run back to the kitchen. “My keys are gone.” My voice cracks in pain. My heart leaps to my throat. My eyes scan the counters, but I know they won’t be there.
Bill stares back at me, unmoving. “Paddy.”
Emotion wracks through me. “My car.” My feet feel like blocks of lead as I move out the door to the front of the house, not fully registering what’s going on.
Please, God. No.
No. No. No. No. No.
Seeing the flower bed at the front of their house flattened and my car not where I left it, I turn to look back at Morgan’s parents who have followed me outside. “It’s gone.” My hands pull at my hair. Why? Why is this happening. What the fuck do I do?
“No,” Julie screeches.
“Find her, Paddy. Please,” Bill tells me, dragging Julie into his arms. “She doesn’t know how to drive.”
I look at Bill, not knowing how the fuck I do that. “I’ve given her lessons,” is what I stupidly say to try to calm him, frantically turning on the spot as footsteps approach.
“We’ll take my car,” comes Jerry’s voice, as he runs towards me.
In a daze, I’m barely able to speak as I start following him, my heart collapsing with every step.