Chapter 38
Time to let go
Morgan
ONE MONTH LATER
Handing me my discharge papers, Clara, who’s on shift this morning, opens her big arms for me to step into. Smelling of sweet candy and sugar, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss seeing her.
“You take care of yourself, sweet girl. We’re all going to miss you.”
Seeing my exit only mere feet away, I refrain from bolting out of here and squeeze her back. “I’m going to miss you too.”
Clara releases me and stands back. “You need anything, all the numbers and helplines are in that pack,” she gestures to the papers in my hand, “don’t be afraid to call for help. We’re right here if you need us.”
“Thank you.” In my peripheral vision, a white BMW catches my eye. Paddy. “My ride’s here,” I say, adjusting the small bag draped over my shoulder.
Clara looks towards the door. “Sure am going to miss seeing him every day.”
I laugh, both of us watching as Paddy steps out from his car. He’s all thick thighs, his shoulders visibly broader up top where he’s been working out in his spare time. With his hair swept back off his face, he leans against the side of his car, crossing one leg over the other.
The simple act has my feet moving.
“That’s it, get out of here,” Clara says with love.
I turn and give her a wave as the main doors zip open.
Paddy stands straight when he sees me, and the biggest smile smacks both our faces when I take the first step away from my rehabilitation stay, and into the life waiting for me.
It feels like I’m crossing a canyon, the distance vast and unknown. One thing’s for sure, the man waiting for me on the other side will always be right where I need him.
“Now there’s a sight to behold.” My cheeks heat as he holds out his hand wanting to take my bag for me.
I hand it over and immediately wrap my arms around his waist, feeling a warm streak trickle down my cheek. “Thank you for letting me do that on my own.” I know I’m not alone, but leaving here without anyone holding my hand was something I needed to do for me.
“I’ll follow your lead every step of the way, curly fries.”
I hug him tighter before I reluctantly let him go. “I know.”
He takes my hand and opens the boot of his car. “What do you have in here?” He carefully tosses my bag into the boot housing a pair of dirty football boots.
“My notepads. Wanted to make sure I have plenty to send off to New York.”
The smile Paddy gives me is pure, unbridled love. “I think you’ve got a year’s supply in there.” He closes the boot, and I follow him, hand still in hand to the passenger side, where he opens the door for me.
“Thank you.”
Paddy slips into the driver’s seat and closes his door. “I set up an office space for you.” My head jerks his way, but he’s quick to hold up an apologetic hand. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure how to tell you, but before you say that I shouldn’t have done that—”
“You shouldn’t,” I say anyway.
“I didn’t want to throw any surprises your way as soon as you got home.”
“You didn’t have to go to any trouble.”
“I didn’t, curly fries. I actually made Jerry do most of it, but that’s only because I had work.”
Hearing him say that makes me sit back in my seat. “How are you finding it?”
His head nods to and fro. “Much easier on reduced hours. Four days commuting to the city, three days at home. I like the balance.”
I’m hesitant to ask, but we’ve spoken about it in recent weeks. “Will that change again, now that I’m coming home?”
Paddy takes my hand in his. “Not unless you need it to.”
I curl my fingers around his, feeling a new sense of life surge through me. Looking out of my window, we sit in silence, his thumb stroking over the back of my hand. “Things are going to be different now. Aren’t they?” I sigh but try not to dwell on it.
We’re a week away from Christmas, and there was a real chance I wouldn’t be coming home to spend it with the people I love. The fact that I am is something to be happy about.
“Different, yes. But not for the worse.”
Looking down at our joined hands before meeting his gaze, I drag in a breath, glad he’s by my side. “Is everyone meeting us there?”
Paddy nods, letting go of me to press the button to start the engine. “Everyone excluding Kevin.”
I chuckle, missing my four-legged friend. “Poor little fella.”
Paddy grins. “Poor little fella?” he repeats. “The little shit went and grew legs like a horse. There’s nothing little about him.” He reverses the car and heads to the main road.
Covering my mouth, I’m unable to stop the snort from escaping me. “I can’t wait to see him.”
“I can’t wait for you to be back on shit picking duties.” He holds a hand to his chest, feigning a gag. “I can’t handle how much crap he produces.”
“You’re kidding, right? You’d really make me pick up shit on my first day of coming home?”
Paddy suppresses a frown. “Alright,” he concedes so easily. “So I’m still picking up shit until you’re ready.”
God, I love him. “I’m messing with you, Paddy. I don’t expect you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
He looks at me out of the corner of his eye sceptically. “You mean it?”
A rush of laughter escapes me. “I mean it.” I shake my head at his ridiculousness. “But it is funny how a young man as fine as yourself struggles with something like picking up dog shit.”
His nose curls up dramatically. “It’s demon shit. And being fine has nothing to do with it.”
No, maybe it doesn’t. But my boyfriend has certainly got finer, if that’s even possible, in the time we’ve been apart.
“And these?” I poke at his bicep, which is clearly visible underneath his jacket. “Where did these come from?”
With a smirk, Paddy looks at my fingers prodding him. “Fi and I have been running every day, and I joined a gym through work. I feel better for it.”
He looks better for it.
“I can’t wait to see them in the flesh.” I flick a curious glance over his body, making him smile. “And the dirty boots in the back?” I hoick a thumb over my shoulder. “Football?”
“Ballet.”
I deadpan. “Funny.”
Paddy chuckles. “Stoney Grange Gladiators made the finals and won, as you know. Now we’ve got a whole heap of friendlies coming up.”
“When do you get your call up, Becks?”
“When all the pub teams stop joining the league.”
I chuckle. “That’s good, though. That they want to join.”
“It’s brought a few people together, yeah.”
Eyeing him curiously, I stop touching him, my hand now resting on my lap. “Are you talking about Jerry?”
He nods. “Guy’s got a killer left foot.”
I sincerely hope my brother is legitimately enjoying being home and not being an arsehole all the time.
Hearing my unspoken words, Paddy says softly, “I think he means it.” He quickly looks my way and takes my hand, placing it back on him before looking back at the road. “The new Mr Nice Guy, thing. I think it’s real.”
I’ll believe it when I see it.
Flexing my fingers, wanting to change the subject, I know I don’t have long before I have to face everyone. I didn’t want anyone visiting me in the unit, only Paddy and my mum were who I put on my list.
That wasn’t through shame or fear. More so, my wanting to achieve the things I want to achieve by learning how to believe in myself again.
Call it trivial but even taking my medication every day was something I wanted to know I was in control of, before going home and having to rely on other people to do it for me.
I now know that’s what was happening before I knew Holly had gone.
I took tablets given to me without thought.
Ate foods cooked for me, which were good for my diet.
All of this I need to be able to navigate and manage on my own.
That’s not to say I shouldn’t and can’t ask for help, but if I know what’s going on, then I can be better equipped to ask for help when I’m struggling, and not have it presumed that I need help all the time.
It's taken many weeks for me to realise this, and as we pass the familiar bus shelter and park behind the row of cars waiting for us, I know that after today, I have to let my friend go. For good this time.
I knew this day was coming. I wrote about it daily. Dreaded it most nights. But now that I’m here, a certain ease floats through my veins, seeing my family and the people I care for all beginning to climb out from their cars.
They’re here for me.
“Ready?”
I look at Paddy. “Yeah.” There isn’t any uncertainty in my voice. I’m ready. I can finally do what I should have been able to do three years ago.
Getting out and coming round to my side, Paddy opens the door and holds it open for me.
I take his hand in mine, needing him to steady my shaky legs, even though in my heart, I’m okay. We take a few paces towards everyone waiting with bated breaths, watching us.
“You told them not to crowd me, didn’t you?”
“Naturally,” he says under his breath.
“Thank you,” I whisper back, gripping him tighter.
I say my hellos, shedding my newfound tears as my mum hugs me, my dad’s arms coming around the both of us. “It’s so good to have you back,” he says, sniffing back his own emotion.
“I’m sorry I got a little lost along the way.”
We’ve said our sorrys and our I love yous a million times over, but face to face with my dad, I feel the need to say it to him again.
“No. We made things worse, thinking we were doing right by you.” He kisses my head, arms constricting around me and Mum. “Not anymore. We follow your lead.”
I look up and catch him nodding at Paddy. The discussions they must have had in my absence… I can only imagine how painful and gruelling they might have been.
“We’ll get through this together,” Jerry says, and I spin my head to look at him.
“Do you mean that, Jer?” I ask him, because what we once had as kids has long gone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know my brother better as adults.
My dad loosens his hold but remains close as Jerry steps towards us.
“I’ve been a shit.”
Dad coughs, muttering under his breath.