Chapter 39 #2
Torgrin said nothing, and the tension grew. Recognising that Torgrin wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say, the general strode away to meet his soldiers, who were gathered and waiting for him in the early morning light.
‘Hey, come here.’ Torgrin drew me up out of the mud.
I pulled my arm from his grasp and walked away from him. He made no effort to stop me, but he followed me up the bank. Everyone was waking up on the first morning in three days. There were cheers of relief from familiar voices.
‘What the stars is going on, Caris?’ he asked in frustration. I picked up my speed the moment he caught up to me.
‘Look at me,’ he said.
Had I not asked Cillian to do the same just days ago? Oh, the pain of losing him was too fresh. Why did I wake? What was here for me but endless pain and the fear of what I’d become?
Knowing I had no choice, I stopped in the middle of the camp, keeping my gaze on the ground. A tingling at the base of my neck told me everyone’s eyes rested on us.
‘Please, Caris. After everything that has happened, I need to know that you’re okay.’
I heard gasps around me when I lifted my head, but Torgrin’s expression was relieved, as if my gaze was all he needed and that the change in my appearance was of no consequence.
Over his shoulder, Atlas was observing us with concerned eyes. Standing beside him were Ania and Wolfe, who weren’t as good at hiding their shock. Tomas, Braya, the curator and Mae gathered around us.
‘They all stayed here to wait for you to wake up, Caris,’ Torgrin said softly.
In the light of day, I saw Ephemeros soldiers guarding the camp’s perimeter. ‘Where’s everyone else?’ I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear how he would explain his men’s absence.
‘I don’t know how much you remember, but it’s been night ever since we left Capita, and some were afraid.’ Torgrin ran a hand through his messy hair, making it stick out from his head even more. ‘We decided it was better we camped a little away from everyone to keep things calm.’
‘You mean to stop them from killing me?’
His silence told me everything.
‘Maybe they are right to be afraid of me? Who knows what I’m capable of now? Don’t you have a responsibility to protect them from me?’ I pointed at Ania and Wolfe.
I was coming to realise I was angry with him.
He had saved me instead of letting me stay buried with Cillian.
And now he put himself at risk by being near me.
How could he have been sleeping in the same tent as me when I had turned men to ash without even knowing it?
Who knew what I could do to him in my sleep?
My eyes were proof there was something unnatural about me.
I was not a Weaver; I was something far more dangerous.
‘You would never hurt them,’ he ground out, his stony mask slipping.
‘Are you sure?’ I was spiralling, and I couldn’t stop myself. ‘How will you protect them or anyone else from me when I can just turn you to ash with a snap of my fingers?’ I laughed darkly.
‘I know how you feel better than you think.’ A muscle in his scarred cheek twitched, and something flickered in his eyes.
‘Really? How?’ I asked, stepping forward so our faces were only a breath apart and he could see my soulless eyes up close.
His lips parted briefly, and then they snapped shut again.
‘Oh, wait. That would mean you’d have to actually tell me something about yourself,’ I spat.
‘You aren’t the only one who’s traumatised by what happened in those city walls,’ he growled, finally losing his cool.
I flinched, remembering the marks that covered his body.
‘I know! I took too long to come back! If I hadn’t left you that night, Cillian might be …’
‘No! That’s not what I meant,’ he said quickly. ‘The trauma was watching you almost die, Caris!’ I was shocked to see him so bare. His mask was gone, and I could see pain in the lines around his mouth and fear in his obsidian eyes. Fear for me, not for himself.
‘Stop.’ Atlas came to stand between us. ‘You both need to stop,’ Atlas pleaded, placing a hand on each of us.
‘She thinks she’s protecting us by pushing us away,’ Torgrin said through gritted teeth.
‘I think it’s obvious I can’t be trusted,’ I said, looking pointedly at Torgrin’s neck where the burn looked even worse in the morning light.
‘I trust you,’ Atlas said quietly. ‘You never gave up on Torgrin. You got us past the city gate, and you got us out.’
‘Don’t trust me,’ I whispered, unable to meet his hazel eyes.
Tomas came forward. ‘You sacrificed going with Torgrin to rescue Cillian to get us out of Capita. I owe you my life.’
‘And where are Rhett and Finn now?’ I asked him bitterly. Pain flittered across Tomas’s face, and I instantly regretted my words.
‘On the wall, you threw yourself over me. You protected me from the blast,’ said Braya, surprising me. I would have thought she would be the last person to speak for me.
I shrugged. ‘I needed you alive to pass on a message to Atlas.’ Could they hear the lie in my voice?
‘I have you to thank for ending the man who killed my mother and aunt,’ Ania said. Her chin tipped up when everyone turned their attention to the timid girl.
‘Well, we have something in common, Ania. He killed my mother, too, so I wasn’t doing it for you,’ I said cruelly.
She shook her head. ‘Our father trusted you with our lives, and he was never wrong about people.’ Ania spoke with a newfound confidence as she stood protectively beside her brother.
Losing her father had propelled her into womanhood, but not the mild-mannered lady her parents had expected her to be.
She needed to be brave for what would come for her and her brother.
Atlas grabbed my hand and looked unflinchingly into my eyes. ‘We would have died three days ago if you hadn’t done what you did.’
Torgrin took my other hand in his. ‘You took down hundreds of soldiers and turned off the fucking sun for us,’ he said with an intensity that bordered on awe.
Everyone went quiet while I battled with myself. I wanted to keep them at a distance because I was scared of what was happening to me, but the feeling of Atlas and Torgrin’s rough hands made me feel safe – something I hadn’t felt since all this began.
Mae broke the silence. ‘I think they are trying to say the only one who is afraid of you here, is you.’ Her words hung in the air.
The hardened exterior I had been trying so hard to hold on to broke, and tears filled my eyes.
I didn’t want everyone to see me cry. Atlas and Torgrin seemed to sense this, pulling me to them.
Two sets of arms wrapped around me as I buried my head into Atlas’s chest, hiding the silent tears running down my face.
I gripped Torgrin’s shirt in my fist. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. I had taken my anger and fear out on him, and he didn’t deserve that.
He hushed me, and I felt his lips press gently against my wet cheek.
Despite it all, my heart remained wounded and afraid.
I would always fear hurting them. I needed to control the Darkness, but the blackness of my eyes proved it controlled me now.
‘All right, lads, it’s time to let her go. I need to check to see if that head of hers isn’t any worse than it was before it got battered.’ Mae was clearly not the sentimental type.
The soft press of a kiss brushed my cheek, and another touched my forehead. Then they were gone.