Chapter 46
Chapter Forty-Six
Philly,
I don’t even know how to start this, but maybe there’s no perfect way to put it into words. So, I’ll just say what’s been looping through my head every night when I can’t sleep—I hope you’re happy. Truly, deeply, impossibly happy in the life you’re building. You deserve that, Philly. More than anyone I’ve ever known.
You were the best thing that happened to me in my other life. It’s weird to say that, isn’t it? Seems like the past is not just that, but another era that I can’t bring back at all. Not because I can’t remember it, but because it seems like I don’t exist.
Now I’m trying to figure out what happiness means for me, but it’s a mess in here. I’m not sure I’ll ever have it all pieced together. Lately, I’ve been wondering if moving forward means letting go or holding on. I guess that’s why I’m writing this—to let go of one thing so I can hold on to another.
Loving another child . . . feels like a betrayal of the one we lost. I don’t know if that thought crosses your mind, but the guilt chokes me every single day. Is it fair to her memory, to the tiny life that was supposed to be ours, to pour my heart into someone else?
But then I think . . . maybe loving another kid doesn’t mean forgetting her. Maybe it’s a way to honor her. To take all the love we had for her and spread it wider, brighter, so it doesn’t die with the dream of her. Maybe I can love another and still carry her with me. Maybe it’s okay if I don’t know how to do that yet, as long as I’m trying.
I don’t know what I’m doing most days, Philly. But I know one thing—I want the best for you. I want you to have everything you’ve dreamed of, even if it hurts to know I’m not part of that dream anymore.
Thank you for being the person who taught me what it means to love so completely it changes you. Thank you for the time we had, even if it wasn’t enough—even when I fucked it up.
I hope someday I can look back at this and know I made the right choices. And I hope you’ll look back and know that no matter what, you’ll always hold a piece of me.
Take care of yourself, Philly.
Keane