Chapter 14
14
Brenner
S o…apparently, cuddling is something we do now. Not every day, but over the last week, since our first cuddle session, we’ve done it two other times. I don’t know why it’s suddenly a thing, but six months ago, I never expected blowing Taylor to be a thing either, and it was for a while.
I can’t pinpoint what made our talk the other night feel so different. It’s not like we haven’t spent years sharing secrets and real parts of ourselves, but now it feels like…more? Maybe it’s because of our parents getting married, and the emotions I felt after dinner with my dad combined with Taylor opening up to me, but…yeah. Cuddling. And just…more. For someone who talks as much as I do, I’ve never claimed to be the best with words.
I’m at work, and the Feral Fox Café is full of people from around campus. Caffeine and college go hand in hand. I had one of my longer days of school today, and I’m tired as fuck, but again, that’s what the coffee is for.
I’m making a twenty-ounce mocha with an extra shot, feeling a little jittery and bouncing on my toes, when the bell over the door jingles. I look up to greet the customer and see it’s Mila. “There’s my girl,” I tease her.
“Are you guys dating?” Stephanie, one of my coworkers, asks. “I’ve never heard you call someone my girl before, and she’s been here often over the last month.”
“Ew. Boy cooties,” Mila jokes as she approaches the counter. “I’m a lesbian. He’s just my bestie.”
Stephanie chuckles. “I was going to be shocked. I didn’t know Brenner dated.”
I mock gasp. “I date!”
“You hook up. You don’t date.”
I snicker. “Oh yeah. Good point.” Except I don’t even hook up anymore. No, I sit at home and cuddle with my stepbro. “I’ll make your drink,” I tell Mila while Stephanie meets her at the counter to pay. Mila always gets the same thing.
“You get a break soon?” Mila asks as I hand her the latte.
“Yeah, in like ten minutes.”
Stephanie looks around and says, “It’s slowed down. You can go ahead.”
“Thanks.” I make myself a drink and then meet Mila at her table. She got lucky and was able to grab one in the back corner. “Miss me?” I ask her.
“I had sex last night,” she blurts, and I chuckle.
“Ooh. Nice. Who is she?”
“This girl I met on an app. It was supposed to be a hookup, but she ended up spending the night, and we like…talked and stuff. At first I was worried the talking would give me a case of hives, but she’s cool.”
Man, I love her. We’re more alike than we have any right to be. “Aww. Do you have a crush? What’s her name?”
“Alexis, and I don’t have a crush…oh God, do I have a crush?” She covers her face with her hands, and I can’t help but laugh.
“I don’t know. I’ve never had one.” I guess I must’ve at some point, but clearly, they weren’t memorable. And just the thought of loving someone and risking a broken heart like Dad got when Mom died gives me hives.
“Shut up. Like you don’t have one now.” She snickers, then takes a drink of her coffee while I try to figure out what the fuck she’s talking about. I wait for her to say just kidding , but she just looks at me with her brows drawn together before saying, “Wait. You realize you have a crush, don’t you?”
“I’m not sure if you woke up in a different reality today, but please tell me who I would have a crush on.”
“Taylor.” She shrugs like she’s making any sense at all.
I clutch my stomach as I give an exaggerated laugh. What is she on about? “I think you’ve totally misjudged my relationship with Taylor. Sure, we’ve hooked up, but he’s just my best friend.” I figure Taylor won’t mind me telling Mila. It’s similar to Dax knowing and feels different from telling our friend group. That would be harder to control.
“You really don’t know? I thought you were pretending you didn’t. The way you follow that boy around with your eyes…”
I shrug. “He’s hot. I like the taste of his cum. Of course I look at him.” See? She has no idea what she’s saying. “There’s a difference between attraction and a crush.”
“You talk about him all the time .”
“Again, best friend. We’re always together, so of course I would talk about him a lot.”
“You smile dopily when you do it.”
“I’m a dope. That’s nothing new.” I chuckle but shift a little uncomfortably before taking a drink. “You just don’t get us. We connected at a really important time in our lives. Tay trusted me with pieces of himself, and…I guess he was the first person to do that, to see beyond the annoying, obnoxious Brenner, and it connected us.” Whoa. I didn’t even know I felt that way, didn’t realize how much Taylor accepting me and seeing more in me was something I really needed. Or need, I guess.
“Okay.” Mila shrugs. “Back to Alexis…she was really, really good, and I needed it. She did this thing with her fingers where—”
“You don’t believe me,” I interrupt.
“I said okay .”
“Yeah, but it was one of those placating okays. I don’t have a crush on Taylor.” I can’t have a crush on Taylor. What if it ruined everything? Plus, I don’t do crushes.
“I believe you that you don’t think you have a crush on Taylor.”
“You said think because you believe I do.”
“Well, I’m allowed to have my own feelings, aren’t I?”
She might have a point there.
But…what if I do have a crush on him? How could I not know that? Sure, I’m not always in touch with my emotions, but I would have to be an idiot to miss a crush on my bestbro…hey, that’s cute. Best friend and stepbro.
I’m different with Taylor, though…and I like cuddling with him, talking to him, having sex with him. Isn’t a crush more than that?
Mila reaches over and puts her hand on top of mine. “I feel like you’re spiraling. I didn’t mean to give you a hard time. Maybe you have a crush on him and maybe you don’t. I’m sure you know your feelings best.”
“I would have thought so five minutes ago, but I’m not so sure now. Thanks for that.”
Mila laughs, and I can’t help doing the same.
“Are you feeling better now?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I kinda feel like my whole life has been a lie,” I tease, and we dissolve into laughter again. When I settle down, I say, “I need to get back to work. Tell me about the fingers later?”
She grins. “Absolutely.”
I pinch her cheeks, and she curses me out.
As I get back to work behind the counter, I keep thinking…she’s so wrong about me and Taylor.
She has to be.
*
By the time I get home that evening, I’m convinced Mila’s clueless. She simply doesn’t understand my relationship with Taylor. We get us, though, and that’s all that matters. And even if I did have a crush on him, which I don’t, it would be a small one. It’s practically impossible to be as close as we are and not have some kind of small something. It’s completely normal.
I’m surprised to find Dax sitting on our couch, playing video games with Taylor. Um…definitely didn’t expect this. Not that it matters. It doesn’t matter. But I kinda wonder if they’re hooking up.
“Hey,” I say, then walk over to the couch and sit between them.
“Hey,” Taylor replies. “You okay?”
“Yep. I’m good. How about you two?” Translation: did you fuck him again? No. Stop. I can’t care if he does.
“Dude. Remind me to never play video games with Taylor again. He’s too fucking good,” Dax tells me.
“Yeah, he always beats all our asses. What are you up to?”
“Playing video games?” Dax replies, raising a brow.
“I meant other than that.”
He shrugs. “I’m meeting up with a guy who lives near here, so I stopped by for a bit.”
I say a silent thank-you I have no right to feel. It doesn’t mean Taylor and Dax aren’t hooking up, just not right now.
“How was work?” Tay asks.
“Good. Mila stopped by.”
“Who’s Mila?” Dax asks.
“His new best friend,” Taylor replies, a strange tightness to his voice.
“Not like Tay is my best friend, of course. You’ll always be my number one.”
“Aww. Aren’t you guys cute?” Dax teases.
“I think we are.” I nudge Taylor playfully with my elbow, but he gets up. “Where are you going?”
“To get a drink.” He goes into the kitchen, while Dax is still taking his turn.
I get up and follow him. “Are you and Dax…”
He tilts his head, his forehead creasing. “What? No. That was a one-time thing.”
I nod, again oddly thankful.
“Wait…do you want to…with Dax?” Tay asks.
“What? No,” I say, which is exactly what he’d just said to me. “Besides that one night, I haven’t hooked up with anyone else since last school year.” Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that. And why is it true? I’m still trying to figure that out.
“You haven’t?”
“Nope.”
“Me neither.”
“Good,” I reply. “I mean, not good. It’s fine if you do. I don’t know why I said that.”
Luckily, before he can reply, Dax comes into the kitchen. “I’m gonna dip. Unless the two of you want to go again? If so, I’ll bail on the other guy.”
I want to say no, but I don’t want to make a decision for Taylor. If he wants to explore his bisexuality more, he has the right.
“I think we’re good. Thanks, though,” Taylor replies, and I breathe easier for some reason.
“Damn. You two are the first not to want another shot at my ass.”
“Shut up,” I tell Dax. “You know you have a great hole.”
“I do.” He winks. “Catch ya later. I’ll see myself out.”
We nod and hear him go for the door. When I look at Taylor, he’s looking at me again. “What?” I ask, heart beating faster than it should. What the fuck. Am I having a heart attack? I rub a hand over my chest while I wait for Taylor to answer.