The Story Of Us

2. Isaac

2

ISAAC

I don’t know how I didn’t see her at all yesterday.

In the numerous trips back and forth from my car to Izzy’s room - where she stayed and refused to help carry any of her boxes because she’s the laziest fifteen-year-old on earth - I didn’t catch sight of her once. I think even just seeing her from a distance would have helped calm the thoughts that have been racing through my head since I last saw her before summer.

She left school a week early, and sometime during the holidays, a terrible thought crept into my mind: what if she didn’t come back? I’m not saying she’d change schools just because of me, but she’d been mentioning missing her mum and wanting to spend more time with her before we moved away to university. What if she just decided to finish up closer to home this year instead?

Luckily, while I was helping Izzy unpack her stuff while she was just sitting there, she mentioned that she’d bumped into Violet earlier that day. It offered me some relief that she was back and that I’d be able to see her at some point. I don’t feel optimistic at all that she’ll speak to me, but just seeing her and knowing she’s okay will be enough. I kept Izzy’s door propped open the whole day, hoping that I’d at least be able to see Violet walking past, but that didn’t happen, and I left their building feeling all sorts of mixed up.

I spent all night tossing and turning, only managing to get a few hours of sleep before I gave up and started unpacking my stuff. A cool breeze drifts through the window, keeping me awake as I sort out everything that I couldn’t yesterday because I was focused on getting Izzy settled. The sound of all the students on the field in between the two dorm buildings spills through my open window, everyone enjoying their last full day of freedom before school starts tomorrow.

From my room on the fourth floor, I can see my friends sitting together. Jinhee’s lying down with her head on Luke’s lap, and Olivia is opposite them. I told them I would catch up with them later once I’ve finished unpacking, but the act of taking things out of boxes and putting them away feels robotic at this point. I thought I could hold off on the absent feeling that seems to consume me more often these days, but it’s hit me already.

Everyone I love is within my reach, but I’ve never felt more distant from any of them.

I continue like that for a little longer, lost in thoughts of university applications and the upcoming school year. I try not to let my thoughts drift to Violet, but it’s impossible when I start organising my desk. The birthday cards I got from her are still pinned to the wall above it, hidden amongst random drawings and cards from my friends.

I reach my fingers out to touch them, but a knock on my door forces me to step back and wipe my palms on my jeans. Luke enters my room before I can even tell him to come in, and I glance out the window to see Olivia and Jinhee aren’t on the grass anymore.

“You still haven’t finished?” he asks, looking around at the boxes scattered around my floor and bed.

“I just have some clothes left to put away,” I say as I start flattening some of the empty boxes and gathering them in a small pile.

“Do you want some help?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

Luke goes to one of the half-empty boxes and starts pulling out clothes, going through them one by one and laying them all on my bed in two piles instead of putting them on hangers.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to see if you have anything new I can take.”

He holds a dark hoodie up against his torso, shuffling over to the floor-length mirror on the wall next to the bathroom so he can look at himself. Luke is a little taller than me, but that hasn’t stopped him from wearing my clothes. He repeats this process a few more times, and I try to ignore him, but it’s already getting later in the day, and I haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch and just feel exhausted. I snatch the t-shirt he’s holding out of his hands and throw it onto one of the piles.

“If you’re not going to help, you can just leave.” I snap, my patience wearing thinner by the minute. Everything just feels like it’s slipping away and out of my control, and I don’t know how to fix it.

“I was just messing around.” Luke holds both hands up in surrender, trying to hide the hurt look on his face, but I catch it. I immediately regret what I said, a habit that seems to happen far too often with the people I love.

A sigh escapes me, and I sit at my desk, taking my glasses off and bringing my hands to my face so I can press the heel of my hands into my eyes. The light pressure always calms me down, and although I’ve tried to stop doing it, I started up again over the summer. Luke hadn’t done anything wrong, so there was no reason for me to snap at him.

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay, Isaac? Be honest with me. You’ve been weird all summer.”

I hate that I can’t even tell my best friend what’s wrong. After the first few times we met for our birthday, it became an unspoken agreement between Violet and me that we wouldn’t tell anyone about us. Even at the start of our friendship, when we were both too young to understand what was building between us, it was something we wanted to keep just for ourselves.

I’ve spent the majority of my life with my friend group. I’ve known Luke and Olivia since I was four years old, and although Jinhee joined our group much later, she’s been as constant in my life as the other two.

Having a friendship, a relationship, just something, that was separate from them felt special.

When Violet and I finally made that step to becoming closer to each other, I wanted to protect what we had, keep it safe and secure so nothing and no one could come between us. I know my friends wouldn’t have said anything bad about us, but it felt like something precious and mine, and I didn’t want to share that with anyone.

Now, I don’t even get to share it with her .

“I’m just stressed about uni and stuff. I also have the LNAT next month, and I still need to do my personal statement.”

The LNAT is a test I need to take as part of my application to study Law at Oxford. Although I don’t want to take it, I still have to because my parents are expecting it from me. My entire life has built up to me following in my parents’ footsteps to study at Oxford, but it’s not what I really want to do.

I don’t tell Luke that the biggest reason I’m stressed is at the thought of seeing Violet tomorrow after so long. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since we broke up, and once I found out she had come back to school, I realised our first meeting would have to happen in front of all of our classmates. I don’t know how I can face her and pretend that she hasn’t been carrying my broken heart around for the past few months.

Luke approaches me from behind, and the weight of his hands on my shoulders forces me to drop my hands from my eyes. I turn my head to face him, and the reassuring smile he gives me has me placing one of my hands on top of his.

“It’ll be okay. We can write our personal statements together, and I’ll help you with whatever you need for the LNAT. I’m here for you.”

I tap his hand once, and he squeezes my shoulders before letting go. I put my glasses back on before standing, and I wish I could be completely honest with him at this moment because I hate feeling like I’m keeping secrets from him. He has no idea that I stopped planning on going to Oxford, no idea that I went out with Violet, or that we planned a whole future together that’s never going to happen. And maybe that’s why I convince myself not to say anything right now.

I don’t want him to feel like I hid stuff from him because I don’t trust him, but telling him in the past about Violet would have felt like a betrayal to her, and telling him now would just make him pity me. He’s been in a perfectly happy relationship with Jinhee for the past few months, and he’s never questioned why I haven’t dated or spoken about having a crush on anyone before. I think in his mind, I’ve just been focused on school too much to care about anything like that.

He doesn’t know that I’ve only ever liked one girl who captured my attention from the moment we first met. He doesn’t know that I had her and that she was mine, just like I was hers. He doesn’t know that I lost her and it was all my fault.

“I’m here for you, too. Thanks,” I say, and he grins at me before patting my cheek twice.

“Come on, let’s go eat. You’ve been stuck in here all day.”

“Okay, but you’re coming back after to actually help me put this stuff away.” I gesture to the piles of clothes that he made, and he just grumbles and trudges towards the door.

We leave my room, and just as we exit the building’s main door, I see my sister about to enter the girls’ building that’s right across from ours. Luke yells her name, and she spins around before running towards us, jumping onto Luke to hug him.

Sometimes, I think Izzy wishes Luke was her brother instead, and I can’t say I blame her. We’ve grown distant as we’ve gotten older, the pressure from our parents seeming to create a divide between us. Any time we’re home together with them, my mood instantly sours, and I never want to take it out on her, so I just avoid her completely and stay in my room as much as I can.

We don’t get much time together at school either, even though we both live here because we have different lunch hours, and she spends most of her time with her friends on the field hockey team. It never once crossed my mind that I could pursue a sport because I knew my parents wouldn’t allow it, but when Izzy told them she wanted to do it, I convinced them to let her try it out. All I’ve wanted is for her not to feel the pressure I have from them, so I’ve tried my best to protect her from it, but I think that’s what made us grow apart. It’s something I’m determined to fix before I go to university.

“We’re going to get some food. Do you want to join us?” Luke asks, and she agrees instantly, complaining that she hasn’t eaten since lunch, as if it wasn’t only a few hours ago. We start making our way towards the dining hall, and I just listen as Izzy and Luke catch up with each other. I wonder if Violet will be there.

The dining hall stays open all day on move-in weekend so that students don’t have to worry about getting here in time for the set meal hours, which means the possibility of seeing Violet is higher. In past years we’ve coordinated going to the dining hall at the same time so we could see each other without our friends being suspicious of where we were. Last year, just before we made everything between us official, it felt impossible to just watch her from a distance as she sat a few tables away from me. I don’t even want to think about what it’ll be like to see her now, knowing that I can’t speak to her .

We get our food and take it to the usual table that Lucas and I sit at with the girls. It’s not like there’s assigned seating at lunch, but everyone has the table they gravitate towards, and ours is in a prime spot. It’s right next to one of the huge windows that line the walls of the room and only a few feet away from the back exit of the hall, which lets us avoid getting caught in the rush when the warning bell rings for afternoon classes.

I pick at my food, not feeling particularly hungry, but I know I need to eat something. Luke and Izzy have enough personality between them, any way that there won’t be any awkward silences even if I don’t speak. I’m not really paying attention to what they’re saying until I hear the name that’s been engraved in my mind for the past six years.

“Oh, and I saw Violet yesterday, too.”

I look up from my plate and try to hide my surprise at hearing her name coming from my sister’s mouth.

“She’s in your class, right?”

“Yeah, but we don’t talk much,” Luke replies, and I drop my head again to look at my plate, forcing myself to pretend that I don’t care what they’re talking about, that I’m not desperate to hear even just the smallest thing about how she’s doing.

“I thought so. She was in a weird mood yesterday, I don’t know. Usually, she’s nice to me, and we talk whenever we see each other, but it felt like she didn’t want to yesterday.”

I knew Violet and Izzy had become something like friends ever since Izzy moved in, a natural occurrence from living on the same floor, and it always warmed my heart whenever Violet talked about her. But I never imagined she’d take the anger, hurt, whatever it is she feels for me out on my sister.

“What happened?” My curiosity gets the better of me and I can’t help but ask. I hope they both see it as me just being a concerned brother instead of a desperate ex.

“I saw her just after you dropped me off, so I said hi to her, and we walked to our rooms together. I was going to ask if she wanted to come to mine, but as soon as she got to her room, she just ran inside it and said she’d talk to me later. It was just weird. It felt like something was wrong.”

I know exactly what’s wrong, but I can’t tell either of them. She probably knew Izzy would invite her to her room, and she knew that I would be there helping, so of course, she didn’t want to go. But she could have easily just said no, so why did she hide away?

“That is a little weird. Maybe she had an argument with her mum or something?” Luke asks, and I try not to think about the fact that she would usually come to me when that happened.

“Yeah, it could be that. Can you check on her tomorrow to make sure she’s okay?” Izzy asks, directing her attention towards me.

“Why would I check on her?” It comes out harsher than I intended, and Izzy and Luke look confused by my outburst.

“Because you’re in the same class, and you’ll probably see her tomorrow before I do? I know you aren’t exactly friends with her, but you don’t have to be a dick.” Izzy stands up to leave, but I hold her arm and force her to sit again.

“Sorry for being a dick,” I mumble, frustrated at myself for snapping at her too. “But you’re not allowed to use that word. No swearing until you’re sixteen.”

She sticks her tongue out at me, and I pinch her nose until she swats my hand away.

“You’re so annoying.”

“So are you.”

“You’re the worst.”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“Okay, kids, that’s enough bickering.” Lucas interrupts us, probably sensing the even more immature insults that are about to come from both of us. “Isaac, stop being fiery with us just because you’re tired. Izzy, I’m sure she’s fine, but I’ll see if I can talk to her tomorrow.”

The thought of him talking to Violet makes my stomach drop, but I don’t know how I can tell him not to do so without being suspicious.

“Thanks, Luke, at least someone is nice.”

I pinch Izzy’s arm, and she does the same back to me, and then Luke does it too.

“You’re both exactly the same, and it is terrifying.”

I throw a scrunched-up napkin at him and grab mine and Izzy’s trays to dispose of them on the way out. We part ways as soon as we leave the hall. Izzy tells us that she wants to go and find her friends, and Luke says that he needs to find his girlfriend. It’s still a little weird to me that Luke and Jinhee are dating after being friends for so long, but when I think back to when she joined our group, it feels like they were meant to be.

Luke was the first to approach her, and although her English was limited at first, he always made an effort to include her in our conversations. Luke taught her English, and she taught him Korean, and I guess there’s something intimate about sharing a language and finding those deeper meanings that can’t come through just with translations. One word instantly comes to mind, one that Violet taught me and that managed to encapsulate everything I feel about her, but I can’t say it anymore.

Luke and Jinhee felt inevitable in the way that I thought Violet and I were. I convinced myself that the birthday we shared meant that we were fated, that all the small coincidences were just part of the invisible strings tying us together and leading us to one another.

The strings have unravelled now, though, gotten all tangled up and frayed, and I don’t know if there’s any way to put them back to how they were.