The Story Of Us

4. Isaac

4

ISAAC

It feels like it takes me years to walk back to my room, my brain filled with muddled thoughts of the upcoming year, university applications, and the LNAT, but the most distracting thoughts of all are about Violet. As soon as my mind drifts to her, it’s like I can’t focus on anything else. It’s always been that way, so I don’t know why I thought it would be any different now.

I don’t know what I thought would happen once we were back at school. A delusional part of me hoped that she would hear me out, listen to my explanation for why I acted the way I did, but of course, she won’t. The way she spoke to me, those few precious words she graced me with, told me everything I needed to know about how she feels for me now. She hates me, I think, and I only have myself to blame for it because I’m the one who broke her heart.

I drop my bag off my shoulder as I unlock my door and throw it on my desk. I decide to sit there instead of on my bed because I know as soon as I lay down, I won’t want to get up. Today has been exhausting, and it felt like all my energy was drained as soon as Violet told me to leave her alone.

I don’t want to think about the other thing she said because I don’t believe it. There’s no world I want to live in where I can accept that Violet is done with me. She’s it for me, always has been and always will be.

I take my glasses off, place them on the desk, and lean back in the chair. Then, I bring the heels of my palm to my eyes, pressing down lightly.

I start listing the things I need to focus on this year, the LNAT being the most urgent one because it’s next month. I spent all summer preparing for it, throwing myself into studying for it as a way to distract myself from the devastation I was feeling. I know I’m fully capable of passing it, but that’s what worries me.

I still have no intentions of going to Oxford or studying law like my parents want me to, but we had enough arguments over the summer about it that I’ve just started lying to them instead. They’ve set my whole life up to follow in their footsteps, and for so long, I played the role of dutiful son and went along with it, not allowing myself to consider that maybe there were other options for me. But at some point, I started to let myself dream that maybe I could pursue something I loved instead.

I can’t pretend that Violet wasn’t the main reason why I started thinking about doing more for myself. She made me realise that my happiness actually mattered and that I couldn’t live the rest of my life doing something I hated. She saw something in me that even my friends didn’t, encouraged me for no reason other than she wanted to, and eventually, the need to pursue that dream started to outweigh everything else.

ONE YEAR AGO

“What do you mean you’re not taking the LNAT?” Violet asks, her voice coming through my phone speaker as I lay on my side in bed.

I can barely see her face with the dim lighting of her room, but I can’t miss the way her eyes widen when she asks the question, and the rustling of sheets tells me she’s sitting up. I do the same, leaning back against the pillows as she flicks on the small lamp she keeps next to her bed for when she wants to read at night. Guess we’re not sleeping early tonight. I get out of bed and switch my own light on. The bulb in my lamp needs replacing, and I usually hate turning the main light on, but if I can see her, I want her to see me, too.

“I mean, I’m not doing it. You know I don’t want to do law anyway, so what’s the point? I’ll tell my parents over the summer and deal with whatever they say.”

She stares at me with a huge smile that she tries to hide, but I don’t let her. I call her name, and as soon as I do, her full smile is on display for me and me only. I’m greedy for it, and I quickly take a screenshot without her noticing.

“What are you going to do then? Animation?”

We’ve had this conversation a lot, but I don’t think I ever spoke about it with enough sincerity for her to believe I was serious about it. But I am, and it’s because of her .

“Yeah. In London.” I pause before adding the next part, scared to voice it even though I hope she’s on the same page as me. “With you.”

“Isaac, you can’t change all your plans for me. This is your future.”

You’re my future , I think.

“I’m changing them for me. You’re just an extra special bonus.”

She lets out a small breathy laugh, and I store it away in my memory, cataloguing it like I’ve done with so many other moments with her. I pull them out whenever I need them, if I’m sad or just need a burst of energy, I think about her and everything feels better.

“Extra special bonus, huh?” She teases, and I wish I was cool enough not to be grinning so widely right now that my cheeks are starting to hurt, but I can’t help it.

“The most special.”

She looks at me, not saying anything, but we don’t need words to talk to each other anymore. The silences spent with her are some of my favourite times. The easy understanding we have of each other, the way I can tell exactly what she’s thinking just by looking at her. Right now, I can tell she’s getting sleepy, her smile slowly lowering and her blinks becoming slower.

“Turn your light off, Violet,” I tell her, keeping my voice low as I go to switch mine off, too.

She gives me a goofy smile with her eyes half closed, and I take another screenshot. I file away the moment in my memories, too, and call it My Special Violet.

“Sweet dreams,” I whisper to her, not wanting to speak too loudly and wake her up as she nestles into her pillow. She murmurs something, but I don’t hear it, and a few moments later, she’s fast asleep. I take a couple of seconds to just look at her pretty face, stunning even in the dark, and then I hang up.

Maybe this whole situation with Violet is the wake-up call my parents thought I needed. Maybe I need to take this as a sign to just keep my head down and do Law anyway because now I know what happens when I try to let myself pursue what I actually want.

A knock at the door has me dropping my hands from my eyes and putting my glasses back on. Luke opens it and lets himself in before I even get a chance to stand up. He’s already changed out of his uniform, but I spent so long spiralling that I’m still in mine.

“You’re gonna have to wait a bit,” I tell him, and he just gives me a thumbs up before going into my bathroom. I throw my hands up in exasperation as I hear the door lock. “Luke, you have your own bathroom.”

“I like yours better.”

“What does that even mean? We have the exact same room layout.” I stand up, pulling my sweater and shirt over my head in one go, and almost end up taking my necklace with it. I put on a hoodie and tuck the silver chain away.

“Yours is just better.” I hear him flush and hear the sound of the tap running as I take my trousers off. Luke walks out before I can put on a pair of jeans. We’ve been friends long enough that it doesn’t phase either of us that I’m just standing in a hoodie and boxers, and he flings himself onto my bed .

“Lucas, get up.” I pull on my jeans and fasten them. “The girls are probably waiting for us, and you know how they get when they’re hungry.”

He groans before rolling himself off the bed and onto the floor, then stands up. I don’t know how that seemed like a more efficient way for him to get up, but it worked, so I don’t acknowledge it.

“Jinhee’s already in a mood. She keeps doing this weird thing where she waits for me before she eats. She never used to do that.”

I tuck my phone into the back pocket of my jeans before crouching down to put my tan Converse high tops on. Violet mentioned she liked these shoes once, and I’ve worn them every day since.

We leave my room, Luke closing the door behind us.

“I think most girls are like that with their boyfriends.” I shrug.

I don’t tell him that I heard it first-hand from Violet on one of those days when we considered telling people just so we could act like every other couple at school who got to sit together at meal times. There would be other times when Violet wanted a snack while we were studying but wouldn’t eat anything unless I did. I never wanted her to be hungry, so I would just eat whenever she did, leading to so many stomach aches, but it was always worth it.

“I didn’t think she’d be like this,” he pauses, and the smile on his face tells me he’s thinking about her. “I really like it though.”

He’s had a crush on Jinhee for so long that it didn’t surprise me when he came to my room last April and told me that they had kissed. I wish I could have told him about Violet then, but instead, I just listened as he spoke about Jinhee and congratulated him on finally making a move.

We head towards the girls’ dormitory, catching each other up on our days even though we’ll have to do it all over again when we meet the girls. Luke suddenly picks up his speed, and I look ahead to see that Jinhee and Olivia are waiting outside their building. They catch sight of us, too, and as soon as Jinhee starts waving at Luke, he nearly breaks into a full-on run just to reach her. I can’t help the smile on my face when they hug each other, but it immediately drops when I hear the door open and turn my head to see Violet coming out of it.

She’s with Avery, her best friend, whom she’s been inseparable from since the first day of school. Seeing them together now has me thinking about how different things might be if Violet and I hadn’t spoken on that first day or if we’d never found out we shared a birthday. I can’t imagine now having known her for these past few years considering how much she’s changed my life.

The only thing I know for sure is that my heart wouldn’t be pounding so fast just from watching her walk past me, not even sparing a glance in my direction. I wonder how it can be so easy for her to pretend that nothing ever happened between us when every time I see her, it feels like I have to fight to keep myself from collapsing to the ground.

I try my best to shake those thoughts away before I start spiralling. I did enough of that over the summer, thought so much about how different our paths could have been if we hadn’t started up a friendship all those years ago, and it just made me feel worse.

I ease back into the conversation with my friends, and we start walking to the dining hall, inadvertently ending up behind Violet and Avery. I keep all my focus on Olivia, attempting to listen intently to whatever she’s saying, but all I can see is Violet’s hair right in front of me. She hasn’t styled it like she usually does; it’s just tied back in a ponytail, and I guess she was probably just too tired to do anything with it.

It used to be my favourite game to play with myself before school every day, wondering what style she would have it in or if she would wear the pretty butterfly clips that I loved so much or not. When I told her how much I liked them she started wearing them every day. I don’t think I’ll see them in her hair ever again.

When we enter the dining hall, Luke and Jinhee head for the food line while Olivia and I go to our usual table that luckily hasn’t been overtaken by any new kids. We take our seats, and although I’m growing tired of torturing myself, I scan the room to try to find Violet. It only takes me a couple of seconds, that instinct that feels ingrained in my soul, to always know where she is, not failing me even after our breakup.

Tray in hand, she walks side by side with Avery as they sit at a table a few rows away from us, the same one they’ve been at for the past few years, too. We have a perfect view of each other’s tables, something we worked out once we started becoming closer, and our glances turned to lingering stares.

An elbow nudging my arm makes me turn my head away from Violet, and Olivia points towards Luke, who is carrying two trays. It seems like it wasn’t enough for him to just carry Jinhee’s bag to and from classes. Now, he has to carry her food, too. I want to make a snarky comment, my own bitterness at never being able to do any of that with Violet overtaking me, but luckily, Olivia does instead.

“Lucas, stop being weird. She can carry her own food.”

Although her delivery is a little mean, she phrased it much nicer than I would have. I’m happy that Luke and Jinhee are together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel a pang of envy every time I see them.

Luke was always so excited and nervous whenever he spoke to me about his crush on her, but I could never tell him about mine. I’ve only ever had a crush on one girl in my entire life and she won’t even give me the time of day. I never understood why it was called that before, but now I do because it feels like my heart is being constricted every time I look at her.

“Okay, but I’m her boyfriend?” he says, puzzled, as he places the trays on the table and then pulls out a chair for Jinhee, who’s right behind him. She drops into the seat and pulls the tray closer to her, clapping her hands together with a grin on her face. Luke sits down as Olivia, and I stand, but I can’t miss the look on his face as he watches Jinhee start to eat, as if she hung the moon and the planets and every star in the sky.

“You guys make me want to throw up,” Olivia remarks as she takes hold of my arm and pulls me towards the food line. I keep my gaze focused ahead as we pass Violet’s table, even though my heart tries to force me to look at her. We grab our food and head back to Luke, and Jinhee and I congratulate myself for going for five minutes without looking at Violet. It felt like an eternity.

We spend the rest of dinner talking about how our days went, and the pressure in my chest lightens as it finally hits me. I’m back at school with my best friends. We have the whole year ahead of us, and I want to make the best of it. I don’t think about what will come after because I know regardless of what happens and what path I take, the three people around me are with me for the rest of my life. I allow myself to steal a glance at Violet, and the voice inside my head whispers that I wish she was part of it, too.