Chapter 20
The church bells rang out loud and clear, a happy melody under the glare of the midday sun. Debbie cupped a hand over her eyes to cut the glare and stared out at the sparkling water over the bay.
“It’s a beautiful day,” she said.
“Church was lovely,” Gwen agreed. “I’m glad we made the effort, even though my ankle is aching a little bit from all the standing.”
“I told you to sit,” Debbie admonished her with a gentle pat on the shoulder.
“I know, but I wanted to stand with everyone else. The music was so uplifting.”
Church in Sunshine each Sunday was one of Debbie’s favourite places in the world. She left the service feeling refreshed and fulfilled, ready to tackle another week. Her husband, Caleb, stood by the church doors in a huddle with a group of his friends. All of them wore button-down shirts and slacks, their hair neatly combed. She’d always liked the way Caleb looked when he wore his Sunday best. So handsome and well groomed, without the stuffiness of the suits he donned on weekdays.
Joanna made her way carefully and slowly down the steps to join them.
“I’m so proud of you for coming today,” Gwen said. “How did you go?”
“I feel good, actually,” Joanna replied. “I’ve been getting out of the house more and more lately. And the anxiety isn’t as bad as it was. I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. My therapist has been helping me find techniques to manage my stress levels.”
“Well, it’s working. You’re doing great,” Debbie replied. She was so impressed with how much Joanna had changed in recent weeks. She’d known her a long time, and this was the most comfortable she’d seen her friend outdoors in years. The fire at the restaurant had been a turning point in her life, one she’d never fully recovered from. Until now. It seemed she was making progress towards healing.
“Let’s find a seat. I don’t know how long the men will be.” Debbie led Gwen and Joanna over to a park bench, and the three of them sat side by side.
Gwen sighed. “That’s better. Is this okay for you, Jo?”
“You should probably be at home resting,” Joanna said. “And yes, it’s challenging for me to sit out here in the open like this. I’m feeling a little dizzy. But it’s good for me to push myself. That’s how I improve.”
“You’re amazing, honey. I’m so happy for you. And I don’t want to be at home. It’s boring at home. Besides, Duncan and I had a big fight.”
“What about?” Joanna asked.
“I mentioned that I felt like I wasn’t appreciated. He didn’t much like it. Same thing that always happens—he got defensive and yelled at me then left. He didn’t come home until late. We didn’t really say much to each other this morning. He’s pretending it didn’t happen, but he’s also not speaking to me.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Debbie said. “That sounds awful.”
“It was awful. But it’s also long overdue. I should’ve spoken up years ago. And now I may have left it too late. He can’t hear me, and there’s such a big divide between the two of us. I don’t think I even realised it was there until now.”
“Do you think you can come back from this?” Debbie asked.
Gwen shook her head. “I don’t know. I hope so. But I know I need time. And there’s so much more we have to say to one another. I don’t know how we do that when he reacts the way he does.”
“Have you considered counselling?” Joanna asked.
“I’ve honestly never thought about it. I didn’t think we needed it. I believed we had a good marriage. But now I know that I was simply ignoring the issues. We haven’t had a real conversation in so long, I can barely remember it. We don’t connect with one another—we simply co-exist. It didn’t used to be like this. I don’t know if it’s normal or if there’s something very wrong.”
Joanna patted her hand in silence.
Debbie’s throat tightened. She knew exactly what Gwen was talking about. She was in a similar place. Maybe it was the natural progression for a relationship. “I don’t think it’s how things should be, but I do think it happens so easily. Caleb and I haven’t had a real connection in a long time either. I don’t really know what to do. But perhaps Joanna is right. Maybe we all need couples therapy.”
“Have you ever looked at his phone or computer? Checked his emails or phone log?” Joanna asked. “I never did that myself, but I’ve heard of women doing this. It might answer some questions for you without having to confront him.”
Gwen grunted. “Are you joking?”
“A little…but it’s still not a terrible idea. Is it?”
“It’s a terrible idea,” Gwen countered with a laugh. “Spying on your husband is the last resort.”
“I’m probably in last-resort territory,” Debbie admitted.
“You’re right. I suppose I could take a look at his phone or emails. Maybe there’s something there from the mystery perfume lady.” Gwen chewed on her lower lip.
“If she even exists,” Debbie said.
“Right. If she’s real.”
“You should do it,” Joanna said. “You need to know. You’re sabotaging your relationship because you think he’s been unfaithful. Maybe he hasn’t been. If you looked at his devices, you might be able to figure it out and have some certainty there before you confront him over it.”
“I don’t know,” Gwen said. “What do you think, Debbie? Would you do it?”
Debbie inhaled a slow breath. “Maybe. Who am I to say? I can’t even get my husband to speak to me about anything real. In fact, I could check right now. I have both our phone logs, and I also have the login to Caleb’s email. He gave it to me years ago. I’ve never checked it because I didn’t have a reason to.”
“Take a look now, then,” Gwen said, sitting up straight. “If you can do it, then I might work up the courage.”
“I don’t know about this,” Joanna said. “I was partially joking. But now that you’re talking about doing it, I have a bad feeling.”
Debbie laughed. “This was your idea. You can’t back out now.”
Joanna bit down on her lip.
Debbie pulled her phone out of her purse and logged onto Caleb’s email. She checked the inbox, the archive and deleted files. There was nothing there. Nothing that stood out. Everything was either junk mail or work related, plus a few family emails from his brothers and cousins.
“There’s nothing in his email. Nothing I can see immediately, anyway.”
Joanna and Gwen watched over her shoulders.
“If he’s cheating on you, he’s very good at hiding his tracks. His email inbox is even more boring than mine,” Joanna said.
“All right, let’s take a look at the phone log. I can’t see his messages, but I can tell what numbers he’s interacting with.” Debbie pulled up the log and scrolled through the list. “That’s his office number, those are his colleagues, that’s his brother, another brother, my number, the mechanic’s…” She recognised the numbers since they hadn’t changed for years, and her husband always interacted with the same people. His call log confirmed what she’d believed about him forever—he was a creature of habit and loyal relationships. He had no one new in his life. She’d been worried for no reason.
She leaned back on the bench. “He’s not cheating.” She exhaled a long, slow breath. “What a relief.”
“He’s a good man,” Gwen said. “I’ve always thought so.”
“What’s going on with him, then?” Joanna asked. “Why is he so withdrawn?”
“I don’t know. But it’s been years. I thought it would pass, but it hasn’t. It’s only gotten worse.”
“You’ve got to talk to him,” Gwen said.
“I feel terrible now,” Debbie replied with a frown. “I invaded his privacy. I snooped. I’m not that kind of wife. I never do things like that.”
“You were worried about him,” Gwen said. “And it helped relieve your concerns. Now you can speak to him without being fearful that something terrible is going on.”
“Don’t feel bad about it,” Joanna said. “It was my idea. I pushed you to do it.”
“I shouldn’t have…” Debbie rubbed her hands over her face. “Ugh. I’ve got to tell him.”
“Well, I’m glad you did it,” Gwen said. “You’ve given me the courage to do the same. Although I don’t have access to his accounts, so I’ll have to find another way.”
“Just talk to him,” Debbie replied. “I’m sure you’ll find that you have nothing to be worried about as well. Duncan loves you.”
“I know he does,” Gwen said. “But he’s so difficult to talk to. I’m not sure how to get through to him or how to get the truth out of him.”
“Here they come,” Joanna said in a whisper.
The men were all headed their way. Duncan, Caleb and Chris, Joanna’s neighbour, all walked side by side with Aaron, who was telling them something in a very animated voice.
“We should all go out to lunch,” Joanna said.
Debbie yawned. “I can’t. Sorry, hon. I’ve got to get back to the apartment. Work tomorrow is going to be hectic, and there are some things I have to take care of before then.”
“I’m feeling worn out,” Gwen replied. “Next time?”
“Okay, next time,” Joanna said.
Debbie stood and smiled at Caleb, who reached out his hand to squeeze her arm.
“Ready to go home?” he asked.
She felt instant relief at his touch. “Yes, I’m ready. Bye, ladies.”
As they walked away, she slipped her hand into Caleb’s, and he closed his grip around it. Her throat ached with unshed tears. The memory of his emails and phone log flitted through her thoughts. She felt immediate guilt but at the same time, relief that he was the man she thought he was and had nothing to hide.
Maybe counselling was all they needed. A better way to communicate with one another. Whatever it was, she should move quickly. She didn’t want this barrier between them anymore; it had become a constant source of anxiety. She wanted their relationship to go back to being how it had been when they were first married—open, loving and passionate. But how would they get back to that place?