The Sweetest Taboo (A Modern Vintage Romance)

Chapter 17

Iwaited for her in her living room.

I walked around and looked at all her things. There was a small table with photographs: a young couple; Isha with a baby; Isha and a baby with an older couple. I wondered who all these people were. When I knew Isha, she had only one close friend; now, it seemed she had many more.

But there didn”t seem to be a man in her life, not counting Uncle Mick and his husband, who was bigger than me and could fuck me up.

Who was Flora”s father? She was mixed race like Isha—and as gorgeous as her. I”d peg her as four or five. Could she be mine?

It took just fifteen minutes before Flora was back in the living room. She was still as beautiful as she”d been six years ago. She still made whatever she wore look like it was designed for a runway model. Even in workout gear as I”d seen her at Claudio”s or now in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, she looked regal, elegant, and downright sexy.

”I”m going to get myself a glass of whiskey. Would you like something?”

”I”ll have whatever you”re having.”

”Basil Hayden good for you?”

I nodded.

She took her time and put a glass in front of me, and then collected her daughter”s books and set them aside on the coffee table. She sat down, took a sip of her whiskey, and sighed.

”Long day?” I asked.

She nodded. ”You know, full-time job, single parent. It”s a busy life.”

”How old is Flora?”

”She turns four in a month.”

No way she was mine.

”Did you think she could be your daughter? That I lied about the IUD?” she asked on a laugh without humor.

I didn”t answer. What could I say? Yeah, I”d been thinking exactly that.

”What about Flora”s father?” I had to know.

She looked at me quizzically and drank some more. ”Flora isn”t my biological daughter. She”s my friend Yasmine and her husband Derek”s.”

I stared at her for a long moment. ”But she calls you ”mum’?”

She smiled then, that maternal smile I saw in so many mothers, well, except Caitlyn.

”Derek and Yasmine were in an accident when Yas was eight months pregnant. They…well, Flora was born. They had me down as her guardian. I adopted her. Derek”s parents live close by, but they”re old, and they couldn”t raise a little girl. Regardless, I”m her mum. This is what Yas and I had planned for if anything happened to either of us. We wouldn”t let our kids go into the system, you know.”

She was raising her friend”s daughter, working full time—this was no fucking gold digger.

”How did you end up in New York?” I had so many questions, and until she told me to fuck off, I”d keep asking, burn away some of that curiosity I”d been carrying for years.

”My professor in London recommended me for a job at HSS, that”s the Hospital for Special Surgery. Yas was here with Derek, so I took the job and…then Flora came along. So, I stayed. I got my Green Card through work last year, which was an immense relief.” She was different than before, I realized. Six years ago, some of the calm was a fa?ade but not anymore. All of this was her.

”Claudio and Renata speak highly of you.”

”Luisa is such a courageous kid. She”s going to be back to normal soon…maybe she”ll always have a small limp, but in a few years, no one will notice.”

I remembered how sad she”d looked when she left Montana, how lost, and confused. Isha now seemed happy, content. All things I was not.

”Isha, I want to apologize for how I treated you.” I didn”t want to look at her when I spoke; the shame felt too big. But I sucked it up and raised my face, stared into those expressive gray eyes of hers…formerly expressive. They gave little away except serenity now.

”Thank you,” she replied.

Thank you?I expected her to call me a few names and tell me I was an arsehole. I didn”t expect her to calmly say, sure, thanks. The subtext was clear: Is there anything else? If not, get the hell out.

”It doesn’t matter that you slept with Ace or whomever; I did you wrong.”

She set her glass on the coffee table. ”I have no reason to lie to you. So, here is the truth, Rowan. You were the first man I had sex with.”

It shouldn”t have felt like a punch in the gut, hearing that, but it did.

”So, Ace lied.” It wasn”t a question. Deep down, I knew that, too. It had taken me a few years, but I”d gotten there. And, yet, I hadn”t confronted my brother, didn”t want to admit that my own blood had lied to me, and I”d treated an innocent so horribly.

”I don”t know his reasons, and honestly, I don”t care. But…I already told you that you”re forgiven. You didn”t have to come here years later.”

I frowned. ”When did you tell me?”

”In the letter.”

”Letter?”

She choked out a harsh laugh. ”I should”ve known. I sent back the money you left on the motel bed, plus, what you paid for the airfare. It took me a few months to earn that money. You know, I can”t afford business class. So, I compromised and sent you what it cost me to buy the ticket.”

I felt something crash inside me.

”You didn”t have to pay—”

”I did. You called me a whore.”

I felt liquid emotion hit the back of my eyes. I hadn”t felt like this since my father died.

”I never got a letter or any money, Isha.”

”I sent it to Ace, and obviously, he didn”t tell you.”

”When did you send it?”

I shrugged. ”Christmas that year. I had enough time to look back and…I decided to let it go. It was part of my catharsis, writing that letter. I think I was under the foolish notion that Ace would”ve told you the truth, and I had this whole scene in my head….” She laughed again.

”What scene?”

She chuckled. ”That you”d find me and apologize.”

”I didn”t look for you,” I told her bitterly. I hadn”t, because I couldn”t imagine how to ask for forgiveness. I had treated the woman I loved terribly, and no amount of apologies could ever make up for it.

But when fate placed her in front of me, I had to find her, I couldn”t resist it.

”You did now.”

She seemed truly over me. There was no hint of bitterness or sadness. Just resignation.

”We must seem like terrible people to you.” I downed the rest of my whiskey.

”You are terrible people, Rowan. But that”s your burden. I didn”t make it mine.”

I looked at the glass in my hands and curbed the urge to throw it across the room at a wall and hear it break. I wanted to commit a physical act of violence. But mostly, I wanted to kick my own ass.

”I”m so sorry, Isha.”

”You already said that, Rowan.” She got up and gave me a placid, hostess smile, one who was kindly asking her last guest to leave.

I set the whiskey glass down on the coffee table and rose. ”Flora is exquisite.”

Her smile widened, natural, beautiful. ”She is, isn”t she? I see Yas in her all the time. She”ll make a face once in a while, and it”s pure Yas. Then she”ll say something, and she sounds like Derek.”

I walked to where she had photographs and pointed to a couple. ”Is this them?”

”Yes.”

Yas was mixed race like Flora. I couldn’t place her. She could be Latino, Indian, Spanish…. Derek was white.

”And these are Derek”s parents.” She pointed to the photograph of the older couple holding Flora when she was a baby.

”This is your neighbor?” I saw Uncle Mick with a large black man; Flora was maybe two in Mick”s arms.

”And his husband, Arturo.”

”Yeah, I think he could fuck me up good,” I agreed, straightening.

”Arturo is a sweetheart. Kindest man I know,” Isha claimed.

She crossed her arms and gave me a wan smile. ”Thank you for coming, Rowan. I was glad to see you.”

I don”t want to leave. I want more time with you.

”It was a wonderful surprise to see you today and to meet your daughter. You look well, Isha. I”m happy to see that.”

”I have a wonderful child, a great job, close friends, and even family…it”s everything that I ever wanted. I feel blessed.”

Except a man? ”Boyfriend?”

She shook her head, laughing. ”Does it look like I have time for a boyfriend? By the time Flora goes to bed, I”m just about ready to collapse on a weekday. On weekends, I fall asleep anywhere I sit for over five minutes, which doesn”t happen often with an active child.”

She was so open in the way she talked, just like before. She was still full of life. I was almost jealous that she”d gotten over me while I was still carrying her around in my heart like a ghost, and my love like a shroud.

I stepped close to her, and she didn”t move, a challenge in her eyes.

”Do you still have panic attacks?”

”Sometimes.”

”Can you tell me how I triggered you that night?”

”Why do you want to know?” She didn”t ask in anger, just mild curiosity.

”Please.”

”What if I said, I can”t remember, it was so long ago?”

”I won”t believe you.”

She laughed. ”You have a very high opinion of yourself, Rowan Ledger. But the truth is that I don”t remember.”

This time, she walked around me and opened her front door. ”Thank you so much for stopping by. I wish you the best with everything.”

My time was up.

I walked to the door and cupped her cheek with my palm. ”You”re still the most beautiful woman I”ve ever laid my eyes on.”

”Thank you, Rowan.”

She pulled away from my touch and, as soon as I stepped across her threshold, shut the door behind me.