Chapter 21
”On a scale from one to ten, how much in the Twilight Zone is having Rowan here playing darts with Arturo?” Mick asked as we sat at the bar while Flora was listening to Sharon read from Flora”s new favorite book, the one Rowan got her.
”About a hundred,” I muttered. ”I have no idea what he”s doing here. I have no idea what he wants.”
”Oh, please. You know what he wants,” Mick said suggestively.
I rolled my eyes. ”Look at him. Do you think he needs pussy so bad he comes to me?”
”As a man who likes men, he”s very fine, I”ll give you that. But he”s not after any random pussy. I think he”s after yours.”
”I watched the Vagina Monologues the other day, and this one woman talked about how her pussy was like a cellar, damp and dusty. You don”t want to go down there, she said. That”s myvajayjay…it”s a sad cellar.” I drank some of the IPA he”d poured for me.
”Your vagina is not dusty. Maybe damp since Rowan is here, but not dusty.”
”Smelly? The woman said hers was musty and clammy.”
Mick laughed. ”Unused is what it is. How long has it been?”
”Since when?”
”Since someone breached the fortress, baby doll.”
I glanced at Rowan and shrugged.
”No fucking way. Do not tell me that was the last time your pussy saw some action?”
”I was studying. Then I was moving. Then Yas died. I was a mum. When the bloody hell do you think I had time to find someone to take care of my vajayjay?”
”Oh, God.” Mick put a hand on his heart. ”This is far worse than I thought. You may need to resuscitate that poor thing.”
”I have a vibrator, and I use it…sometimes…whenever I”m not too tired and don”t fall into exhausted sleep.”
”The motherfucker is decent at darts. He beat Arturo,” Mick mentioned. I looked at the men by the dartboard. They had beers in hand, and they were laughing and talking.
”He”s not a bad man,” I mumbled. ”He was pretty awful to me, but the man who apologized to me last night…he was sincere. He was honest, and he hadn”t even talked to Ace to get the skinny on everything yet, you know?”
Mick put his hand on mine. ”What do you want?”
I turned to look at my daughter and smiled. ”I have everything I want, Mick. I don”t want or need anything else.”
Before Mick could grill me with more questions I didn”t have answers for or didn”t want to answer truthfully, Arturo and Rowan strolled up to us.
”He beat me fair and square, baby doll. So, he has my permission to talk to you,” Arturo said majestically.
”He beat you, he can talk to you.”
”She”s playing hard to get. But don”t worry about it. We have ways to soften her,” Arturo stage whispered to Rowan.
I got up. ”You guys watch my girl, and I”ll talk to Rowan.”
”See,” Arturo said smugly.
I punched him on his muscular arm, and he winced. ”Ouch, baby doll, you have pokey bones on your knuckles.”
”You”re full of baloney, Art.” I looked at Rowan and sighed. ”Come on, let”s get this over with so you can get the hell out of my life.”
We went in the back where there was a picnic table next to the storage area and large trash cans. Mick”s employees came out here to smoke, and since no kids would be allowed back here, I thought it would be a safe place to talk to Rowan.
”Nice ambiance,” he remarked, his hands in his pockets.
I sat on the table, my feet resting on the bench seat. I rested my elbows on my knees, leaning forward.
”It”s how we roll in Queens, baby,” I said in an affected American accent. After years in the United States, my accent, though still British, had picked up many American nuances.
Rowan smiled, rocking on his heels. ”I like your friends.”
”Mick and Arturo have been my rocks. It was hard, you know. I lost Yas and Derek, and I didn”t know what I was doing with Flora. They helped me. Derek”s parents were…are great. Getting up there in years, though. Derek was an only child and came late in their lives, so I have to take care of them as well.” I shook my head as I decided to not think about what I was going to do if Bea”s diagnosis indeed came back as Alzheimer”s. Sol would be lost without his wife.
”You take care of everyone, don’t you?” Rowan asked, his eyes probing like he was trying to look for something inside me.
”No. I can”t do that. I have responsibilities, though, beyond me. It was just Yas and me before. Now there”s Flora, Mick, Art, Sol, and Bea.”
”Sol and Bea?”
”Derek”s parents,” I explained. ”What are you doing in New York?”
”Caitlyn”s sister”s wedding. I skipped rehearsal dinner yesterday to meet Claudio, and the wedding today to see you.”
”You missed the wedding you came here for?”
”I don”t think I can see my family right now,” he spoke softly, watching my face intently, scouring for my emotions. ”Ace told me that Caitlyn knew what he did. I…am ashamed of my family, of myself. We have an apartment in Manhattan. But I left last night, checked into a hotel. I need some distance.”
He used to not share so easily before. I wondered what kind of self-realization journey got him here.
”What do you want to talk to me about, Rowan?”
”Give me a chance. Give us a chance.”
I gaped at him.
He laughed softly at my expression. ”I know it feels like it”s coming out of nowhere, but the truth is that I have thought of you every single day for the past six years. Every fucking single day.”
And I”d thought of him, but that didn”t mean bollocks in the scheme of things.
”I don”t feel the way I used to. I”m not interested.” I wasn”t exactly lying. When I first gave Rowan Ledger my heart, I was alone and young. He trampled all over it. Back then, I was wounded and depressed. Now, with a child of my own, I couldn”t take such risks.
”You don”t love me?”
I shook my head. Even in my dreams, Rowan hadn”t asked such a question.
”Are you attracted to me?” he asked next.
I smirked. ”Cocky as always, aren”t you?”
”I”m serious, Isha.”
I straightened and stretched my neck. By most Saturdays, I was just too tired to even think, and the emotional turmoil of seeing Rowan meant I hadn”t slept a wink the previous night.
”I have a child now, Rowan. I get hurt; I can”t be there for her a hundred percent; that”s not a risk I can take,” I spoke from my heart, as honestly as I could.
”I understand.”
I dusted my hands on my thighs. I wasn”t sure if I was relieved or saddened by his easy capitulation. Relieved, yep, that was it.
”Can we date?” he asked as I got off the bench.
”I thought you said you understood.”
”I do. I”d like to date you. Take it slow and see…you know….”
”See what?” I demanded, feeling so utterly exhausted by the pull and push inside my heart. Didn”t this man understand that a part of me wanted to leap with joy and take whatever crumbs he”d throw my way? But the mum in me would not make the mistakes of a young, unencumbered girl.
”See how we can be together,” he replied calmly, coolly, like he had all the answers, no matter the question.
”You live in Montana. I live here.”
”Don”t worry about that. I”ll come here, and once you get comfortable, you can come to—”
”Don”t you dare say the Ledger Ranch. I”d rather be tied to a hill of red ants in the scorching midday sun than go to that place with you,” I hissed.
How dare he? How the fuck dare he?
”I”m not saying right away. After we—”
”There is no universe in which I”ll ever set foot there again. So, if that”s your grand plan, get going, Cowboy; this conversation is over.”
I”d been keeping my temper in check, keeping the chaos at bay, but no way, no way would I ever go to that beautiful land where my innocence was taken from me. Oh, I”m not talking about my stupid virginity, I”m talking about my na?ve assumptions about people, about trusting people even after the crap childhood I”d had.
”I”d love to date you in New York,” he breathed.
”Why? I don’t get it.” I flung my hands in the air. ”Is this you trying to work through your guilt? Because I”m not your fucking Band-Aid. Find some other way to feel better. See a shrink.”
I was steadily getting worked up, and there didn”t seem to be much I could do to calm myself down. That he seemed so unperturbed by my outburst frustrated me only more.
”This is me wanting to win the woman I love back.”
I glared at him. ”Fuck you, Rowan Ledger.”
”Anytime you want, Isha. But I”d like to spend time with you first.”
I heard a snicker and turned to see Mick at the back door. ”Get out of here,” I yelled at him.
”Man, I wish I”d recorded this. It”s fucking hilarious.”
”Go away, Mick, and keep my baby girl away from here.”
”Aye, aye, Captain.”
I turned back to face Rowan and saw a small smile on his face. Well, hell, everyone thought this was funny.
”I don”t believe you when you say you love me. What does it mean to you? To be in love?”
”That you”re inside me, and I”m inside you. I know you, the real you, and I”ve let you see me as well.”
My eyes filled with tears. That was the same answer I gave him six years ago when he asked me a similar question.
”You don”t know me,” I choked out. ”You do not know who I am.”
”You were the most charming, elegant, kind, and sweet woman I”d ever met. Now, I see all those things in you as well as a loving mother and friend, a kind caregiver to everyone around her…and your beauty still takes my breath away.”
He walked up to me and put his hands on my shoulders, leaning his forehead against mine. ”I see you, Isha George. I see everything about you. And I”m letting you see me. See everything. I caused you pain, but I swear to you that I have bled every day since I hurt you. The universe gave me a chance with you again. One I never thought I”d have, one I don”t deserve. But you”re here and….”
Bugger it!The man had tears in his eyes. Big fat ones. Like he meant what he was saying. How on earth was my fragile heart supposed to handle that?
”On Sunday afternoons, Flora goes to see her grandparents from nine to noon. She has lunch with them, and then I bring her home. That”s all the time I have for you right now.”
”Thank you.” He kissed my forehead and stepped away.
I shook my head at him, baffled at him and myself.