Chapter 24
She let me put Flora to bed. I did that with my nieces all the time, but that Isha would let me lightened my heart.
Granted, Flora had asked if I could read to her, and Isha had agreed.
”You don”t live in New York,” Flora asked as she lay in bed, looking up at me as I sat next to her, reading a new book I”d got her about ranch life.
”That”s correct. I live in Montana.”
”Like the cows in the book.”
I smiled. ”Exactly like that.”
”Do you have cows?”
”Cows and horses.”
She exhaled. ”Do you have mountains like in the book?”
”Yes. Tall ones. In the winter, they”re covered in snow.”
”I”d love to see a mountain.”
I wanted to tell her she could come and visit me anytime, but we weren”t there yet. Isha was skittish as hell around me. I”d told her that Ace would like to talk to her, and she”d shut that down immediately. We had a long way to go before she”d trust a Ledger. I didn”t blame her or even Ace. I blamed myself.
”We can make that happen, I”m sure,” I whispered.
She closed her eyes. ”You can now kiss me goodnight.”
I chuckled. A girl after my own heart. I kissed her forehead and looked at her fluttering eyelids.
If I”d had the sense to keep Isha with me, would we now be married with children? Would I go to sleep each night in a warm bed and wake up to my wife and the sound of my children laughing and making memories?
I”d never wanted to marry. After seeing the debacle of my father”s second marriage, I wanted nothing to do with that institution. But now, as I sat here, watching this beautiful child sleep, I wished she was mine. I wished Isha was mine. That this was our home, and afterward, we”d sit and watch television like an old couple, and then go to bed talking about pick up and drop off schedules. We”d make love, and I”d hug her and kiss her whenever I wanted. I wouldn”t feel like I won the lottery when I put my child to bed, because my whole life would be amazing.
I kissed a sleeping Flora on her cheek, tucked her in, and turned off the light. I closed her door, leaving it just slightly open as I”d been instructed by both mum and daughter.
Isha was working on her laptop at the dining table, her face scrunched up as she typed furiously.
She was in shorts and a tank top, her home uniform, and she looked amazing.
”She asleep?” she asked, smiling at me, and my breath caught. Christ! How had I let this woman go? How had I been so fucking blind?
”Yeah.” I sat next to her on a dining chair. ”What are you working on?”
She stretched. ”Financials for the clinic. My two partners are daft when it comes to numbers.”
”How is business?”
”Good. Busy. I”ve been thinking about pulling out and going back to the hospital, where my hours are more controlled. I feel like I”m juggling time with Flora, with patients, paperwork…everything.”
I put my hand on her bare thigh. ”What”s stopping you?”
”My budget,” she frowned. ”Right now, with daycare, the house and the car…I just can”t. Maybe in a year or so. We’ll see.”
I wanted to tell her I”d buy her condo for her and pay off her car. Whatever she wanted. But we were not there…yet. If I tried to give her money, she”d bite my head off.
”How can I make things easier for you? Do you need help with picking up and dropping off Flora at kindergarten?”
She looked at me quizzically. ”You know you live in Montana, right?”
”I do, yes, but if there are days in the week where you need help…maybe I can figure something out.” No, I couldn”t. Ranch work was 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
”I have Mick and Art, even Sol and Bea. I have help.”
”Maybe I should sell the ranch,” I murmured. I could live in New York then, see Flora and Isha every day, not just on weekends for a few hours here and there.
”Have you lost your marbles?”
”It”s just a thought. It would take some time to find a buyer.”
”You love your ranch. It”s your family”s legacy.”
”What family?” I asked wearily. “Ace, the brother who has apparently been competing with me all his life? My stepmother who wants to make sure I don”t screw her on her allowance because she lives beyond what my father left her? My nieces, yes. But they”re Caitlyn and Ace”s kids. When Caitlyn is pissed with me, she limits my access to her kids. That family?”
Isha put a hand on my shoulder. ”You love your nieces. They must love you. How do they handle Caitlyn”s interference?”
”They call me. They used to cry when they were little. Now…they roll with the punches. What else is there to do? But Caitlyn tires of them quickly and leaves them at the house. She goes away traveling, partying, or what you have it; and Ace joins her. Then they”re all mine.” I leaned back on the chair, feeling a bone-deep tiredness. It wasn”t work that was exhausting me. It was living like I was merely surviving. It took so much energy to feel nothing all the time.
”And Ace?”
”He”s…I don”t know…like he always was. All hat and no cattle. I gave him a job so he can pretend to work. But he just draws a salary. He and his family are taken care of.”
She yawned, and then stretched. There were dark circles under her eyes. She needed to get some sleep.
I looked at my watch. ”I should go.”
”Where are you staying? At your apartment?”
”At a hotel. Deb is in New York this week.”
She licked her lips and took a deep breath. ”I don”t want to be in a relationship with you.”
I tucked some loose hair behind her ear. ”I know, baby.”
”You don”t have to come to New York.”
”I know I don”t have to. I want to.”
She looked me in the eye. ”You told me if I said it to your face, you”d go away. That”s what I”m doing, saying it to your face.”
I was used to being alone, but since those short weeks in the summer with Isha, I”d been lonely. But no one else would do. It was Isha or bust!
”And you won”t miss me?”
”No.”
Her lips trembled. My heart ached.
”You don”t love me?”
”No.” She looked away.
”Look at me, Isha, and tell me you don”t want me.”
She looked at me, her face stiff. ”I don”t want you.”
”If I walked away and never came back, you wouldn”t regret it?” I asked, my heart in my hand. She was sending me away. I was fighting for a chance, and she wasn”t giving it to me.
”No.” She bent her head, staring at her laptop”s keyboard.
I lifted her chin and swore. There were tears in her eyes. They rolled down, breaking something inside me. I licked them, taking as much of her pain as she”d let me.
”Don”t make me leave. Please,” I begged. ”I”ve been so fucking lonely without you.”
”Stop saying such things,” she cried out, ”it”s not fair.”
”Why?”
”Because I want to believe you.”
I picked her up in my arms, and carried her to the couch. I held her, loving the closeness, hating her pain.
”Baby, you said I could have you from nine to noon on Sundays. That”s all there is to it now.” I tried to lighten the mood when she looked up, watery eyes and sniffling nose.
”You live in Montana. You can”t come here every Sunday.”
”Sure, I can. I”ll come over Saturday morning and go back Sunday night. I”ll make it work. Just…don”t turn me away, Isha. Please.”
”This is crazy,” she whispered. ”You knew me for half a second, six years ago.”
”And I lost my heart to you; and you gave me yours. I know I didn”t take care of yours very well. But I want to. If you give it to me this time, I promise I”ll treat it as the precious gift it is.”
She sighed. ”It”s just…why me?”
”I wish I had an answer, sweetheart. But it”s just how it is. I fell in love with you, and never fell out of it.”
She rested her head against my chest, and we sat like that for a long while, not talking, just savoring.
Afterward, just I as I had her daughter, I kissed her goodnight on her forehead and cheek, and went to a cold hotel bed.