15. Chapter Fifteen
Chapter fifteen
M y mind wanders, mostly toward Cai and the events of the past couple of weeks, while I wait in line to order my coffee. My favorite café is a short walk from my house and it’s a beautiful morning, perfect for stepping out on my own. My plan is to sit down and work through the copious paperwork Christian’s office sent me for my new position. I’m also prepping myself for a big learning curve, but he assured me that I’ll have several seasoned employees working with me to make sure I get off on the right foot.
“Dr. Whitmore?” A feminine voice calls from behind me. I turn and find a former patient of mine standing in line behind me.
“Heather, how are you?” I’m surprised to see her so mobile after her injury. She took a spill off a fifteen foot ladder while trying to clean the gutters. When she landed, she impaled herself with a decorative flag post.
“Wonderful, all thanks to you. I heard you’re not working at the hospital any longer? I was so sad to have a new doctor at my last evaluation. I hate that you had to leave, but I’m in great hands. Dr. Rosen has been amazing.”
Ah, yes. Dr. Rosen, also known as the woman who has, on more than one occasion, tried to steal my patients and take credit for their care. Of course, she gets all of my patients now. She probably took my whole job at this point.
I bite down the frustration bubbling in my gut and smile. “I had an accident of my own unfortunately, but am glad to hear that you’re doing so well.”
“It’s been a long road to recovery, but you got me off to a great start. I can never thank you enough for all of your hard work.” She shakes her head, probably trying to wipe the memory of that day away. “Thanks to you, my kids still have a mother. The new doctor is great, but she can’t replace you in my heart.”
Now I’m biting back tears. This is what I’ll miss the most. Not the accolades or praise, but the connection I make with each patient. Working with Heather’s family these past few months brought me joy. I was able to help her in her darkest hour, and in turn, I felt as if I was really making a difference in the world. I was doing what God had intended I do with my life.
We chat for a few minutes and she heads out while I wander to a window booth with my coffee. Obviously, my patients had to be turned over to someone. The rational part of me knows Dr. Rosen is a great doctor and will monitor their progress as well as I would, but I can’t stop the sting from taking over. Everything I worked so hard for, all gone in the time it takes a deer to make a dumb decision, a swerve of the wheel too far, and bam. Over.
The rain drizzles down the large café windows as more dark clouds roll in. I should be grateful, thankful to be alive. And I am, yet there’s still a quiet but nagging voice in my head that says I will never be good enough at anything else I attempt. I’ll never reach the top of my field, and if by some chance I do, will it be snatched away from me? On the flip side, I’ve been given a job I’m not remotely qualified to fill, will be the lead over people far more experienced than I am, and all because Christian Price is friends with Cai. I don’t even deserve this job. It’s a pity job.
Sweet Cai. The guy who has always gone to the ends of the earth for me, even when I never asked him to. He’s always been as pro-Whitmore siblings as anyone can be, and what did it get him? We basically ditched him when college got too busy. Shame on us, Jackson and me, for letting his precious friendship slip away.
And shame on me for taking complete advantage of his kindness now, after ten years of zero contact. What am I doing? Am I using Cai to avoid my pain? To distract myself from this grief that keeps springing up from inside when I least expect it? I’m not usually easy to rattle, almost always the upbeat and happy-go-lucky person in any group, but lately every word out of my loved ones’ mouths grates at my nerves and puts me on edge.
It isn’t their fault.
It’s mine, this accident’s.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to work through my feelings, but they all come in a barrage too complicated to sort through in a noisy café. Through it all, though, one worry screams at me over the rest.
I’m using him.
I can’t ignore it, and with every attempt to work through it all, it only screams louder until I break down in tears. I can’t do this, not to Cai. I can’t expect him to pick up all my broken pieces after all these years, make me whole again, with the chance that my feelings for him are not what I think they are. I need space. Time to think this through, heal, figure out if what I’m terrified is true, actually is.
As if my pain is a beacon for Cai, my phone rings and his name appears on the screen. I have to do this. Pull it off like a Band-Aid. The faster I tell him I need some time and space to contemplate my life, the faster I can resolve these issues. Hopefully.
“Hey, Cai,” I answer, desperate to hear over the din in the café.
“Hey, beautiful. I was just confirming our lunch date. Wondering what you think of meeting me at Brokedown? They have a great roast beef sandwich.”
It’s now or never. Band-Aid. Pull it fast.
“Listen, Cai, I need some space, okay? I’ll just…call you when I’m ready to talk.” With that pathetic excuse, I hang up the phone. Regret and guilt strangle me, but I can’t bear the thought of hurting Cai. I’m a mess, and I have no right to expect him to fix me.
My phone rings again. It’s Cai, but I force myself to ignore it. It’ll be okay. It’s better this way. I refocus on the paperwork that must be completed and sent back to the office today. Everything is blurry thanks to the tears clouding my eyes, but I manage to get through half of it before needing a refill of coffee.
It’s likely I should have offered him a better reason, literally anything more than I gave him, but what do I say? Oh, sorry, I’ve probably been using you as a distraction and your feelings mean nothing to me?
But they do. He does mean something to me. I only wish I knew how much and how deeply my own feelings run for him. I’m stuck in limbo now, unsure whether to keep up my claim that I need space, or crumble and apologize, take it back and pray I’m wrong.
“Can I help you?”
I shake my head and step forward to order more coffee and a sandwich, even as my phone rings again and again.