The Virgin Society Collection

30. Your Daughter

30

YOUR DAUGHTER

Finn

Zach’s eyes flutter closed as he settles under the covers with a contented sigh. But before I turn off the lights, he pats a small spot on the bed next to him. “Right here, Dad.”

“What’s right there?”

Does he want me to join him? I’ve been back for a week, and since Candace and Michael took a trip to Maine, I’ve had this kiddo all to myself for the last several days.

The extra time has been great. Visiting science museums, going to the playground, debating what kind of pizza we prefer but opting for Chinese instead because a trendy new Chinese restaurant opened around the block. I get the super spicy noodles, and he doesn’t, and I try not to think of Jules and how much she loves spice.

But that describes the last week—I’m trying to forget Jules. So far, I’m not winning that battle.

“This is where Tiramisu can go,” Zach says.

Right. His future dog. I ruffle his hair and drop a kiss to his forehead. “Next weekend. It’s on.”

“Yes,” he says, pumping a fist as he yawns.

I say goodnight and then head downstairs, grab my laptop, and settle in at the kitchen counter. I search out dog walkers since I’ll need someone during the day when I’m at work, and dog trainers since I know nothing about how to teach a pup to sit or stay.

But I promised this kid a dog, and I’m getting him a dog. Does Jules like dogs?

I roll my eyes. Of course she likes dogs. I grab my phone and tap out a text asking that question, but before I hit send, I berate myself once more.

What are you doing, man? Sending her a text like she’s your girlfriend?

Nope.

You don’t need to interact with her.

But I want to. Fuck, do I want to.

Except, if something were going to happen with her, it would have happened already. I told her in my hotel room how I felt. That she was perfect for me. That I want this . But she didn’t seem ready, so I didn’t push it. I don’t want to be that guy.

I click over to the dog rescue David suggested, checking the hours for next weekend. But first, there’s this weekend. And the triathlon with Tate on Sunday.

That should be real fun. Groaning in annoyance, I drag a hand through my hair. I haven’t trained with him since I returned. Don’t want to face him. There are too many things I want to say to him.

I half want to cancel the event but I follow through on my commitments.

The event is in a park outside the city. As I near the finish line, I am wrung out. Twenty kilometers on a bike, and 750 meters in the water will do that to you, then add on a 5K. My muscles scream. My lungs beg me to stop moving.

Almost done.

A few more feet, then a few more. I glance behind me. I’m ahead of Tate. We weren’t racing against each other, per se. Neither of us is vying for a top finish. But still, I want to beat him.

I want to beat the fuck out of him.

I always do. But today, I want it more than usual. I want it perversely.

Out of breath, I cross the finish line ahead of Tate.

Take that.

He crosses a few seconds later, sweaty and panting as he offers me a hand to high five. “Nice work,” he says.

I smack back but I don’t mean it. “Thanks,” I mutter, the exhaustion masking my mood.

I’m still furious with him.

We walk through a sparse crowd, coming down from the high of finishing as we pass tents full of race organizers offering energy bars and electrolyte-laden drinks. I’m not ready to celebrate with him.

Or even to talk to him.

I could blame it on the grueling event, but I won’t. Instead, I grab some water from a volunteer at a table full of coolers. “Thanks,” I say, then glug it quickly.

When I’m done, I recycle the cup, then I swallow my annoyance with Tate. I spent far too long ignoring the problems in my marriage. I don’t want to ignore a big fucking problem in my friendship.

Except I have to handle it delicately. He can’t know. “So, I’m getting a dog next weekend. Zach wants one,” I begin.

Tate laughs. “Never thought you’d get a dog. With your long hours. But the kid has your number.”

Bingo. “Yeah, but you know how it goes with kids. You’d do anything for them,” I say as we walk through our cooldown.

“Sure. I get that,” he says.

“Wish I could have done it years ago. But that’s just something I have to deal with,” I say.

His eyes are full of question marks. Understandable, since I’m being deliberately unclear. “Get a dog?”

I scratch my jaw. “Get a dog. Raise a son. Face my regrets. The usual.”

And he does. He’s well aware that my biggest regret is time—wishing I could have had all of Zach’s years. He knows I want to make the most of the ones I do have.

“Sure,” Tate says, but it’s curious, like he wonders where I’m going with this convo.

Yeah, me too.

I tap the gas a little more. “I don’t want to have regrets. Like about things I’ve said. Things I’ve done. Know what I mean?” I toss him a glance. I’m sure he has his fair share of regrets about the night his daughter died.

“Yeah,” he grumbles.

I grind my jaw but then try to let go of my irritation, since my anger at him isn’t the fucking point.

The point is he needs to make things right with his daughter, but I can’t let on that I know what he did.

“I remember when I first met Zach’s grandparents, I was so nervous and excited about Zach, I barely acknowledged they’d lost their daughter.” Maybe this is an anvil-sized clue, but maybe he needs it.

He tilts his head, studying me more closely, maybe sensing I’m onto something.

“It didn’t hit me until a while later, what I’d said,” I continue. “Or really, what I’d not said. And then I talked to them. Extended my sympathies. But I regret that, you know? I wish I’d done better sooner,” I say, hoping, no, praying that my story will light a fire under him. Make him think about what he said to Jules that day in a cemetery.

His forehead crinkles. But he doesn’t speak, perhaps waiting for me to go on.

As we walk off the run, heading away from the race and deeper into the park, I say, “The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want them to think I was someone who didn’t acknowledge a loss. I asked how they were coping. I asked about Nina. And I listened when they talked.”

I can’t say go talk to your daughter . I just have to hope that that’s what he hears.

He stops, still breathing hard from the race. “Is there a reason you’re telling me this?”

Yeah. A big reason. He’s not a good lawyer for nothing.

“It made me think about your daughter.” I don’t say which daughter. I’ve felt like a liar with Tate for a long time. Hell, I am a liar. But I don’t care. If it takes lying to get him to fix things, then I’ll do it. “If you ever want to talk about her, I’m here.”

As angry as I am, the point of this conversation is, I want him to figure out what he did wrong and fix it.

“Thanks. I appreciate that,” he says.

I nod, then turn the other way. When I leave, I’m still lying to my best friend, but I don’t feel so torn up about it anymore.

When I arrive home, there’s a box waiting at the door. My fingers itch to rip it open, and as soon as I’m inside, I grab a dull knife and slice the tape between the folds, then open the flaps.

I laugh.

And I smile.

And I miss.

It’s a pineapple.

And there’s a card attached.

I hope the race went well. You deserve a pineapple. I know they’re your favorite.

It’s just a pineapple. But also? It’s not just a pineapple.

The next night, Zach and I return from dinner with Nick and Layla and find another package waiting on the front stoop.

“What’s that?” Zach asks, scooping up the small box.

“I have no idea,” I say honestly, and I hope it’s not something I really shouldn’t open in front of him.

For a few seconds, I picture naughty things. A photo of Jules in pink lace panties and nothing more. Silk boxers. Or even something classy and sexy, like cufflinks—but that would still require an explanation.

When Zach rattles the box, something rolls from side to side. When I see a red pepper on the side of the box, relief washes through me, along with amusement.

Inside, I open it. It’s a jar of chili flakes and a note.

Five out of five.

I try to hide a smile. I swear I do. But I know, I just know there’s a hidden message behind this five out of five.

“Dad, this is a boring gift. Why don’t people send you a jar of chocolates or something? Or a jar of pizza?”

He makes a good point. “A jar of pizza would be a good idea.”

But I like the chili flakes more. I text her when Zach goes to bed.

Finn: So, what’s a five out of five, Jules?

Jules: You know.

Finn: Do I?

Jules: Yes.

Finn: Say it.

Jules: You.

That damn You .

That might be the best gift ever from her.

A part of me doesn’t know what to do with this note, or with her, or with all these feelings that aren’t going away.

But another part does.