2. Her Devil Butt
2
HER DEVIL BUTT
Milo
I’m sure there’s a video on YouTube showing how to de-glitter a beard in less than ten seconds.
But right now I’m concentrating on making it to the offices of Moneygrubber & Mercenary on my bike in one piece.
I need to dodge a parked taxi hellbent on door-prizing me. But the cool robotic voice of my LiDAR app warns me that now would be a good time to die if I speed up just as a bus rumbles in the lane next to me. I slow my pace, and once the bus passes, I whoosh by the taxi, my peripheral vision catching a glimpse of the driver idling and smoking a cigarette.
People are the worst.
But do I flip him off? No. Because I am a good guy, contrary to what my ex’s menagerie of exes would have the world believe.
I keep pace with traffic on Seventh Avenue for a few blocks until I reach my destination. I slow, then jump to the sidewalk and hop off my bike.
With a wary gulp, I stare up at the ominous black building straight out of a comic book. Cue the Meanwhile, inside the villain’s lair caption. So fitting. I groan, then groan again. And maybe one more time.
Best to get all my annoyed groans out of my system before I head into arbitration with Miss Lie Her Pants Off Callie.
I bet Miss Cute Devil Butt is nothing like my ex. Hell, she was a delight to chat with that day at the cake shop when I subbed for my buddy. And she upped the ante today, calling me Stud Muffin, after all. Gotta give her points for directness, and that’s the total opposite of Callie. Plus, the Glitter Bomber likes dogs for real and looked hella hot clutching her little Chihuahua, so I’ll award her a few more points.
Also, she had an absolutely fantastic ass. I tried not to stare too hard today, but I’m no superhero. I’m a mere mortal man who likes a cute, round rear. But let’s give it up for her face too, with that spray of freckles across her nose, her clever green eyes, and lips that looked kissable whether she was wearing the Come to Bed Red lipstick that fell from her pocket or not.
Whoa.
I pump the brakes on the dirty-mind train.
I can’t think flirty, dirty thoughts about a woman, no matter how much I’d been hoping to bump into her again.
I have a mission.
This second, I’m Milo the Impervious, and I must vanquish the enemy and retrieve the treasure.
After I unclip my helmet, I carry my bike into the lobby, quickly scanning the list of businesses on the wall. The arbitrators are on the fifth floor, so I head to the freight elevator and punch the button.
As the lift shoots up, I square my shoulders, determined to keep my wits about me for the next few hours. I’ve got to get my dog back.
I must be strong and fearless. And I can’t go into the meeting looking like the Jolly Green Giant jizzed on my beard.
Taking out my phone, I click on the search bar, then speak: “Google, how do you remove glitter from a beard?”
“To remove glitter from a beard, Reddit recommends shave it off, you dumbass .”
I roll my eyes. “Fuck you, Google,” I mutter as the elevator arrives and the doors slide open. I’ll just wash my beard. Take that, search engine. This guy has common sense.
Well, sometimes.
When I step out of the elevator, I forget about glitter beards because the best girl in the whole world lunges at me. My heart bursts with happiness as Trudy tackles me. With one hand on my bike, I kneel to let my dog lick my face. Hell, maybe she can Roomba off the emerald specks.
“I missed you too, little lady,” I tell her, and for a few seconds, everything feels right in the world again.
It’s been nine long months of only weekend custody with my girl, but this purgatory will end today. I’m getting my pooch back, no matter what it takes with the arbitrators Callie’s lawyers picked.
When I stand, my Min-Pin mix thumping her tail and whining happily, I spot my ex a few feet away. I knew she’d be here. She brought the dog, of course. But I was enjoying that reunion without thinking about her. Now, she’s batting her lashes my way, and I have no choice but to deal with Callie.
“Milo, sweetheart. You have glitter in your beard. Let me help you,” she says.
Barf.
Like I don’t know her shtick—be as sweet as a sugar cookie so no one knows she’s draining her beaus of dough while dating other dudes. But I discovered her scheme when boyfriend Number Two contacted me to find out why the hell she was Venmoing me money. Um, for the rent. She lived with me while juggling boyfriends Number Three and Number Four too.
Yeah, that was fun.
“It’s fine,” I say gruffly.
She tuts. “You can’t go into arbitration looking like a mess. Let’s just make it easy. We can get back together and we’ll both get to have Baby.”
I refrain from rolling my eyes all the way to the back of my head. Like I’d name a dog Baby .
“Thanks, but I’d rather take the subway to work,” I say drily, then scan the hall for the bathroom, and, I hope, a bike storage closet.
I pat my thigh. Wiggling her butt, Trudy follows me as I wheel my bike a few feet away, rehearsing my plan for winning one hundred percent custody.
I’ve got pictures of the 5Ks Trudy and I ran together in the park, vaccination records going back four years, and even her dog helmet right here with me on my bike, which has a custom-built dog seat for a twenty-pound pup. Plus, I can prove I adopted her from the Little Friends shelter well before I met Callie, and I’ve got statements from the vet that I’ve brought her to all her appointments.
The best proof of all? Her loyalty. She’s following me. I am ready to nail this arbitration.
“Hold on, sweetheart. Let me show you something,” Callie coos at my back, then I spin around, and the blonde trickster blows a kiss to the dog. “Gimme a kiss, Baby.”
“Her name’s not Baby,” I spit out.
But my girl wags her tail, rushes to Callie, and lifts her snout to give a kiss. Oh, man. “Trudy, you’re killing me,” I mutter.
“Stand on your hind legs, Baby” Callie says, and the pooch I took to work every single day complies.
Perfectly.
It wasn’t enough for my ex to trick me and three other dudes? She had to hoodwink my dog too?
“Baby also smiles when I say the arbitrator’s name. Dennis is a dog lover,” she tells me, oh-so sweetly. Then to Trudy, she chirps, “Baby, be a good girl and smile when I say hi to Dennis.”
My girl smiles in practice, and I wither.
But I won’t let Callie win. My ex-girlfriend stole from me, stole from the other guys she dated, then told them I was the scammer. Then those guys left shitty reviews for my business online.
Now, she wants to steal my dog and give her a cringeworthy name? “What do you want?” I bite out.
Callie flashes me a polished pink grin. “I want you back. I could make you happy, Milo.”
“No,” I say crisply.
She shrugs, taps her manicured finger against her lip, then stares at the ceiling. After she lets out a big breath, she says, “Then how about five thousand dollars and I’ll sign over full custody?”
Does she really think she can manipulate me like this? Wait, stupid question. Of course she does.
I seethe, then gulp at the manipulation. I take one look at my little dog, then whisper, “Trudy, c’mere.”
She trots over to me, wiggles her bottom, and licks my face.
“Done.”
This is real love. No tricks or treats here.
Love you can trust is priceless.
An hour later, I write a check and leave with my dog. “Romance is bullshit, right, little lady? This is true love right here.”
Her tongue wags as I snap on her helmet then secure her in the dog seat on the front of the bike.
She’s back where she belongs.
I ride home slowly, taking side streets, careful with my precious cargo. When I turn onto Grove Street, a flash of silver on the sidewalk catches my attention. Stopping, I dismount the bike and hold the handle while I check out the bounty.
Huh.
A pair of silver skull earrings gleam on the sidewalk.
They have to be Glitter Gal’s. I wish I knew her name. It’s not like Glitter Gal is a step up from Miss Polka Dot, but it fits the bill. And fits the woman—a woman who wears cartoon pink devil panties would absolutely have silver skull earrings with rhinestones for eyes. Except, one of them is missing a hook.
I pick them up and show them to my pooch. “What do you think, Tru? Should we try to return these? She probably lives on this block. I could even leave my number.”
From her seat, my dog tilts her head, like she’s frowning in disapproval. Even my dog knows I need to stay far, far away from the suggestion of a date.
“You’re right, little lady. No numbers.” I’ll just try to figure out which building is hers and maybe leave them in an envelope by the door. That’ll be all.
I tuck the earrings into my pocket and wheel my bike to my building. When I reach the stoop and undo my dog’s seatbelt, I spot the silhouette of a woman on the balcony of the building next door.
It’s a brunette with chestnut waves in her hair. Is that her? Glitter Gal?
She bops her head as if listening to music, then swirls and I glimpse her profile, then she shimmies her butt.
I grin wickedly. Yup. I’d recognize that ass anywhere.
“Hey!” I call out. But she doesn’t hear since she’s caught up in her private dance party.
Ah well, it’s for the best.
I’m five thousand dollars in the hole thanks to the last time I dated. But at least I know where she lives so I can return her earrings like the good guy I am, not the swindler Callie’s exes have made me out to be.
I go inside my building with my dog, reunited at last.