Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
L isa sat by the stream and stared at the blood-soaked sanitary cloth. The other laundry was near her, but she couldn’t bring herself to address it. Not yet. All she could do was stare at the evidence that she was still without child. She didn’t understand it. After all the times she’d been with Ashley, she should have conceived already. How was it possible that she could be with Preston only one time and have her entire life ripped apart from her, and yet she could be with Ashley many times and have nothing to show for it?
She placed her head in her hands and gave in to the urge to cry. It had taken all of her willpower not to show any emotion that morning when she realized she would need the stupid sanitary cloths. Ashley had been in the cabin, and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin his mood. He had been talking about making a leather string from the elk hide for the clamshell. Unlike her, he had been happy. It wasn’t his fault she was miserable. He was doing his part to give her a child.
She just didn’t understand it. What more could a woman do than be intimate with a man? If there was something else—anything else—she could do, she would do it.
It took her a good half hour before she was able to pick up the bar of soap and start washing the clothes. There was no stopping the tears. Not completely. They continued to come, but they were at least trickling down her face instead of coming fast like they had before. How long was she supposed to wait until she finally conceived? What if she was never going to conceive again? What if the one baby she’d been able to have was the one she gave away?
More tears came to her eyes, and she had to stop washing the shirt in front of her. If she didn’t have another child, she didn’t think she could bear it. What was the point in living if she had to go through every day for the rest of her life this way? Would the memory of her first child be the only reminder that she had, at one time, been a mother?
Don’t think about it. If you think about it, you won’t be able to get the laundry done.
She took a deep breath to steady her resolve to focus on the task in front of her. Whether she liked it or not, she had to do the laundry. Ashley did so much already. Today, he was out chopping more wood since it had rained the past few days. And since it had rained the past few days, there was more laundry than she was used to doing. The last thing she needed was for another day’s worth of laundry to add to this load. She released her breath and resumed the task of scrubbing the soap on the shirt.
* * *
The next morning, the rain returned. As strange as it was, Lisa found comfort in it. She didn’t dare cry in front of Ashley, but she couldn’t make herself get out of bed.
“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?” Ashley asked once he was done washing his bowl.
“I’m not hungry,” she muttered. She was hoping that she would drift off to sleep. She didn’t feel like working on any baby things today, and there were no pressing chores to do. This day, like her life, was meaningless.
He went over to her and sat next to her on the bed. “Are you alright?”
Funny how everyone but her parents and Preston cared if she was alright. She closed her eyes so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. Why was it so hard to act as if everything was fine when it wasn’t?
Once she could trust herself to speak, she said, “Sometimes I feel uncomfortable during that time of month.”
He rubbed her arm. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No. I just need to rest.”
He paused for a long moment then drew back the hair from her face and kissed her cheek. “I’ll leave you alone then. If you need anything, let me know.”
She gave a nod but didn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t. His concern for her should make her feel better. It was nice that he cared enough to be attentive to her like this. But unless she had a child to hold and nurse, she wasn’t going to feel better.
He stood up from the bed.
She listened as he put on his boots and left the cabin. Assured she was alone, she opened her eyes, and the tears were finally able to fall.
* * *
The rain didn’t let up for two more days, though it had lightened considerably the second day. The air was cooler than it’d been for the past couple of weeks, something that Lisa supposed couldn’t be helped given the lack of sunlight. Since Ashley kept asking her if she was alright, Lisa made herself get out of bed, brush her hair, and put on a dress. She made herself cook and clean as if her entire world wasn’t falling apart.
She found it easier to cope when she was busy, so when her tasks were done, she would go to the workshop and watch as Ashley worked with one of the elk’s hides. He took time to measure her hands and her feet so he could get ready to make her gloves and boots. “These boots will give you better support than the ones you currently have,” he’d said, looking very pleased with the plans he had in his head to make them.
She didn’t know the first thing about creating gloves and boots, so all she could do was sit and watch. Sometimes he rattled on about the process, and at other times, a peaceful silence hovered in the room. In some ways, just watching him in silence was good. It helped her feel numb, and that numbness stopped her from wanting to cry all the time.
On one of the days when she entered the workshop, he stood up from the table and waved her toward him. “I’m glad you’re here. I was about to go to the cabin. Come on over. It’s finally ready.”
She blinked in surprise. “I thought you just started on the gloves and boots.”
His eyes grew wide then he laughed. “No one is that fast. Also, you notice the hides I cut up for your gloves and boots are still hanging around here. I’m finally done making you that necklace.”
It took her a moment to remember the clamshell he had retrieved on the day they went to the beach. She should have remembered it, of course. It was just difficult to remember things when the heart ached for something it couldn’t get. Forcing aside the fear that she’d never have another child, she approached him.
“The reason it took me so long is because I wanted to braid the cord,” he explained. “I made the braid as tight as it would get so you won’t have to worry about the necklace breaking.” He showed her the necklace.
She reached out and touched the shell. It seemed like the last time she had a necklace had been in another life. She used to have so much jewelry that she would end up spending a good five to ten minutes picking out the ones that would go best with her gowns. Even so, she couldn’t help thinking that this particular necklace was the only one that was truly worth wearing.
“It’s lovely,” she whispered then smiled at him.
His grin widened, and he hurried to slip it over her neck. The clamshell fell between her breasts. It was lighter than she expected. She picked the shell up and studied it.
“I was right about it going well with your hair,” he said. “It’s almost as if the shell was made just for you.”
She didn’t know if she would go that far, but she did agree it complemented her very well.
He brushed aside her hair, and his fingers caressed her cheek. “I think that day at the beach is my favorite memory.”
She supposed it was a good memory. “The entire day was a good one.” If only all days could be like that.
He cupped her face with his hand and kissed her. “I don’t suppose you’re done with that time of the month yet?”
She shook her head. “Almost, but not yet.”
He kissed her again. “I suppose that’s for the best. I can’t make gloves and boots if I’m in bed with you all day.”
There had been days when they had spent most of the day in bed, and it hadn’t caused her to conceive. She had to push down the urge to speak this thought. It was enough she was frustrated and depressed. Giving voice to it would probably make her break down again, and it was taking significant willpower to pretend that everything was alright so she didn’t upset him. He would probably think she found him lacking, and that wasn’t true.
“Will you keep me company in here today?” he asked as he clasped her hand in his.
Noting the hopeful look in his eyes, her mood lightened. “I’d like to.”
He squeezed her hand. “Wonderful.” He led her over to the chair near his and urged her to sit. After she did, he gave another look at her necklace. “You really are a beautiful woman.” He kissed her cheek. “Are you comfortable?”
She nodded. “What are you working on today?”
“I thought I’d start with your gloves.” He removed one of the smaller hides from a hook and set it on the table. He gestured to the buttons resting nearby. “I thought I’d add those.” He shrugged. “There’s no reason for them. Their only purpose is to make the gloves look fancy.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Fancy?”
“Well, fancy is pretty, and since the wearer is pretty, I want a good match.” He winked at her as he sat down and began to explain to her what he was doing as he worked.
* * *
When her flow was done, Lisa decided to do the laundry. As she made her way back to the cabin with the wet clothes, she saw that Corrine, Henry, and Myrtle had stopped by to visit. They were laughing and talking with Ashley.
Lisa’s steps came to a stop when she realized that Corrine was showing in her pregnancy. Her belly wasn’t large, but it was definitely noticeable. That only served as a reminder that while Corrine was able to keep her child, Lisa hadn’t been. Lisa’s grip on the basket tightened. Just when she had begun to feel better, this had to happen?
Yes, she liked Corrine. She was happy Corrine could keep her baby. But the unfairness of it all threatened to shatter the timid contentment she’d been able to muster over the past couple of days.
Ashley was the first to notice her. He ran over to her and took the basket from her. “Your friends brought over a couple of chairs and some jarred food to thank us for the wood.”
Lisa had trouble taking her gaze off of Corrine’s stomach, but when Ashley put an arm around her shoulders, she was able to make eye contact with him.
“That was really nice of them,” Ashley told her. “I can see why you wanted to come to Oregon with them. You don’t find friends like them often.” Without waiting for her to respond, he led her over to them.
Corrine and her mother were taking jars into the cabin, and Henry was carrying a chair over to the firepit. Lisa took a deep breath and slowly released it. No one knew she’d had to give up her child. As far as they were concerned, she hadn’t known a man until she married Ashley. They couldn’t know how much it hurt to see Corrine.
Corrine broke from the others as Lisa and Ashley approached and gestured to the laundry. “I can help you hang that.”
“I’ll take the basket over to the clothesline,” Ashley said. “This thing is heavier than it looks.” Giving Lisa a teasing grin, he added, “I had no idea you were so strong when I married you. Maybe I should have you lug the wood for me instead of relying on the horse.”
Corrine chuckled at his joke. Since he had intended to be funny, Lisa forced out laughter of her own even though the last thing she felt like doing was laughing. All she wanted to do was run into the cabin, shut the door, and hide in the bed. It was unfortunate social norms required her to act like everything was fine all the time.
Corrine waited until Ashley left her and Lisa at the clothesline before she picked out a pair of pants from the basket. “Forrest sent money to us. We wanted to put the money to good use and bring you and Ashley something.”
Lisa didn’t know what to say, so she selected her dress and hung it on the clothesline.
“Do you and Ashley have enough wood to get you through the winter?” Corrine asked.
“Ashley chops wood all the time,” Lisa replied, once more glancing at Corrine’s stomach. “When is the baby due?”
“Early November. I felt the baby move the other day. That was exciting.”
Lisa paused as she recalled feeling her own daughter move in her womb. This conversation wasn’t getting any easier. She cleared her throat and pinned the shirt to the line. “Thank you for bringing us some food and chairs.”
“Forrest sold everything but his horse and his Bible. He even did some odd jobs. He didn’t say it in his letter, but I think he worries about us. Anyway, we didn’t expect the amount he gave us, and with the amount we had left, we wanted to do something for you and Ashley. I hope we weren’t presumptuous.”
Lisa’s emotions calmed. “Your gift is much appreciated.”
Corrine relaxed. “Good. Ashley doesn’t seem like the kind of man who wants something handed to him. I get the impression he wants to work for everything he owns.”
“Yes, he is like that, but he understands you are thanking him for the wood.” And, while Lisa couldn’t believe she was actually saying something nice about the preacher, she added, “It’s nice the preacher isn’t waiting until he’s here to start taking care of you.”
“That was nice of Forrest. It gives me hope that this marriage will be a good one.” Corrine waited for a moment as she hung up a petticoat then continued, “I hate to say this, but I envy you.”
Surprised, Lisa turned from the drawers she’d been pinning to the clothesline. “You envy me?”
“Who wouldn’t?”
Lisa waited for Corrine to explain what she could possibly have to envy, but Corrine didn’t say more. Lisa considered asking Corrine for more information. As far as Lisa could tell, Corrine’s life was complete.
After a long, agonizing moment of watching Corrine quietly hang up more clothes, Lisa decided to let the matter go. Corrine would have explained if she wanted to. She wouldn’t need to be prodded into it. Lisa turned her attention back to the basket and pretended her freshly washed sanitary cloths didn’t bother her.