29. Brain Is Going A Hundred Miles An Hour

JAKE

29

After two weeks of not seeing Bri, I’m ready to climb the walls. At this point, I’m very aware that this isn’t how a friends-with-benefits situation is meant to be handled, but I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to the feel of her in my arms, her lips on mine, and my cock being buried inside of her.

Little B

GPS says I’ll be there in 10 minutes

I push aside the nerves jangling inside me and pocket my phone again, wandering through the house to do one last check to ensure it doesn’t look like a herd of wild animals live here.

While shoving a t-shirt into a drawer in my dresser, I hear the sound of tyres on gravel, and I hurry to the front door, stepping out onto the small verandah to see Bri climbing out of her car, Maddie hot on her heels. The little dog races towards me, and I bend to pick her up after she bounds up the stairs and skitters to a stop at my feet.

“Hey, fluff ball, did you have a good car ride?” I ask, scratching her behind her ear, and I feel her little body quiver before she gets in a sneaky lick on my cheek.

Bri laughs, walking to the boot of her car and pulling out her overnight bag and a small brown bag. “It looks like someone missed you,” she says.

“I missed her too,” I say, unsure if I was referring to the dog or the beautiful woman walking towards me.

Bri smiles at me, her eyes lowering once she reaches me. “I missed you too, Jake.”

There’s a tightness in my chest, something I can’t quite describe, but I know I need to hear those words. Know I need this woman. I reach forward to place a finger under her chin, bringing her eyes to mine, and lower my lips to hers. The little sigh that escapes her is all the confirmation I need that the friends-with-benefits label we’re using is just that. A label. One that is hiding something much stronger that I’ll wait forever for her to be ready to admit to herself.

I pull her in closer, deepening the kiss, and she drops her bags, bringing her arms around my waist and holding me tightly. As she slips a hand up the back of my shirt, Maddie chooses this moment to insert herself into the action and begins licking both our faces. We break apart, laughing, and I put her down while Bri steps back and picks up her bags again.

“Hi,” she says, her smile shy.

“Hi.” I slide my hands into my pockets, unsure if I should attempt to get us back to that moment we’d just had or if Maddie had slammed the brakes on us at the right time.

“Your place is cute.” Bri looks around the front porch, and I try to look at it from her eyes.

The house is old but sturdy, and with a little bit of love, it could have that cottage feel that a lot of people go for. My main motivation behind buying it had been its low price tag and proximity to town, but now I wish I’d put a little more effort into making the exterior look good. I want to impress Bri, and something tells me that she’d love this place if it was done up right.

“Thanks. I didn’t think much about it when I bought it. It was cheap, close to town and in good condition. I’m not really here a lot anyway.” I shrug, and she gives me a look I can’t quite decipher. “What?”

“Nothing,” she says, shaking her head. “Give me the tour?”

“Sure.” I whistle to Maddie, and she trots back over to us from where she was sniffing the pole of the letterbox.

I take Bri's bags and lead them both inside before she can protest, holding the door open for them to step into the small living space.

I give her a quick tour, as the house isn’t that big, and we find ourselves standing at my bedroom door. I still hold Bri’s bags, but now I don’t know where to look.

“Um… so, I didn’t know if you would want to sleep in with me or…” I point at the door we’d just passed. “I made up the spare room in case you’d prefer…”

Bri steps close, reaching to take her overnight bag from where I’m gripping it tightly, and opens my bedroom door, depositing the bag on the floor just inside. She turns back to look at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Is that the right choice? Seems like your brain is going a hundred miles an hour over there.”

I let out a breath, and she laughs while she wraps her arms around my waist again, rising onto her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

“Don’t overthink it so much, JJ - it’s just me, your Little B.”

While her words are meant to be reassuring, she has no idea just how messed up my thoughts are. Having her here, in the space that I’ve resented for so long, is confusing the hell out of me. It’s like I’m seeing it again for the first time, only this time, I imagine her living in this space with me, and I don’t know how to feel about this unexpected thought process.

“I just didn’t want to presume anything,” I mumble, and she steps back, bringing her hands to my cheeks and looking me in the eye.

“Jake. What’s going on? You’re being weird. Of course I’m going to sleep in there with you. How else will you have your wicked way with me in the morning?” She smirks, and I can tell she’s trying to chase away the weird feeling that has overcome me.

I force the thoughts away and pull her to me, nuzzling into her neck, and she arches into me. “Why wait until the morning?” I ask, lifting her off the ground, and she wraps her legs around my waist while she giggles.

“There he is,” she says, looking me in the eye with a soft smile.

I crush my lips to hers as I walk her into the bedroom and kick the door behind me before showing her how wicked my way can be.

Once we are dressed again, I grab my keys and head out to my ute.

“Where are we going?” Bri asks, stopping to clip Maddie’s lead to her collar before she follows me down the front steps.

“I figured we could head out to the brewery for dinner. Might as well do some fun stuff while you’re here.” I hold her door open, offering my hand to help her climb inside.

She puts Maddie in first, then grabs the handle to effortlessly pull herself up on the step, throwing me a smile over her shoulder.

“I might be a city girl, but I can get myself into a ute without help, big boy.”

I laugh and shake my head. “Apologies, I’ll stop being a gentleman now.” I start to walk around to the driver’s side.

“Yes, please,” she yells through the open passenger window.

We drive a little out of town, and I glance over at Bri, checking to see why she’s so quiet.

“I forgot how relaxing it is out here,” she says quietly, looking out the window.

“I don’t notice it, actually.” I pull into the car park and turn back to find her looking at me, that same look on her face from earlier that I still can’t decipher. “Why do you keep giving me that look?”

She shakes her head as she undoes her seatbelt. “Just wondering why you’ve been so determined not to get too attached to anything here, that’s all.” She climbs out of the car, lifting Maddie down before closing the door, leaving me to ponder what she’d just said for a moment.

“What do you mean?” I ask when I join her, resisting the urge to take her hand in mine while we walk towards the outdoor dining area.

“Well, you said you only bought the house because it was convenient, even though it’s cute as hell. From what I can tell, you won’t let yourself feel at home in town either. I’m trying to work out if that’s the reason you don’t like it out here or if it’s because you don’t like it out here.”

We wait to be seated for a few moments, and I follow behind her when the waitress leads us to a table with a great view of the sunset. Bri busies herself, getting Maddie settled under the table with her dinner and a bowl of water while I continue running her words through my head.

“I'm sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she says once she’s sitting across from me.

“You didn’t. I’m just trying to work out what you meant.”

“Well, you’ve made it pretty clear that you don’t love being out here. So I’m trying to work out if it’s because you just miss Brisbane or if something about this place makes you hate it. I mean, I’ve never lived out here, but from what I can see, it’s beautiful. You were never a party animal, and I know you like the bush, so it can’t be that you miss the city life.”

The waitress arrives to take our drinks order, and I absently order one of their sour beers while Bri orders a local cider. Once the waitress leaves again, Bri turns her attention back to me, and I look away momentarily while I try to respond.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to answer. I shouldn’t have overstepped.” I feel her withdraw, and I shake my head.

“You didn’t, Bri. I’ve just never had anyone ask me that. Not outright, anyway. I don’t think the others ever really noticed.” I open the menu to have something to look at rather than holding her gaze. “Do you remember much about my brother, Sam, who passed away when we were kids?”

Bri is quiet for a moment. “A little. He moved out here with your Dad when your parents divorced, right? We were really young, so my memory of him is pretty sketchy.”

“Yeah, he wanted to stay with Mum, but because he was Dad’s kid, Mum couldn’t get shared custody of him like she could with me.” I rarely talk about my brother, and I can feel the bitterness setting in.

“I hadn’t realised he wasn’t your Mum’s. I wondered why he went with your Dad. It seemed weird to split the kids up, but that explains it.”

“Yeah, Dad’s first wife died when Sam was just a baby, and he met Mum a few months later. Dad decided to move away from the city when they divorced, so they set up out here. His family was from here originally. Sam was five years older than me, so we didn’t hang out a lot when we got older, but when he hit his teens, he begged to come back to Mum’s. Dad wouldn’t hear of it.” Long-held resentment for my father rises within me, and I find myself gripping my fork. I let it drop to the table while I force myself to unclench.

“Why didn’t he want to stay here?” Bri’s eyes fall to my hand, and I can see the concern in her eyes.

“I didn’t really understand much back then. I was in my own world most of the time, but Sam struggled to fit in. He was really artsy, made no friends, and kept to himself a lot. Whenever I was around, I hung out with the kids my age who lived near Dad, but Sam just stayed in his room. When Sam was sixteen, Dad started pressuring him to start his apprenticeship so that he could work for him, and Sam withdrew even more. I only learned about this later when Mum told me.” I stare down at my hands, unable to look at Bri any longer. “One day, Dad came home and found Sam unconscious in his room, a bottle of sleeping pills empty beside him along with a bottle of his whiskey.” I look up when Bri brings a hand to her mouth, understanding showing in her eyes.

“He…” She couldn’t say the words, so I finished for her.

“He was in a coma for a few days at the Children’s hospital in Brisbane, but yeah… that was how he died.”

“Oh Jake… I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Did Morgan know?”

“My parents never really told people the details, I didn’t even know until I moved out here, so no one really knows how he died. Sam had been bullied severely by some of the kids at school here. We only found out about this after Dad found his journal. He’d apparently been scared to tell Dad because he thought Dad would think he was weak, and he’d kept himself so distanced from everyone. It broke Dad’s heart that his son couldn’t talk to him. When I found out, I felt like it was my fault for being such a shitty little brother. We’d been close until the divorce, and I’d idolised my older brother, so when he withdrew from us all, I’d been really hurt and ignored him back.”

Bri reaches over the table to hold my hand, and I run my thumb over her hand. I still can’t bring myself to look at her.

“Jake… It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid, and your brother chose to push everyone away. You couldn’t control that.” I shrug, and she squeezes my hand hard. “Hey, look at me.” I drag my gaze up, finding her looking at me with a fierce glint in her eye. “You are one of the most caring people I know, Jake Boyd. If you’d known what was going on, I know you would have stepped in. But people are responsible for their own choices. Yes, your Dad should have tried harder to find out why his son was so withdrawn, but Sam chose not to confide in anyone. Some people just don’t know how to let others in.”

I let out an uneven breath and nod slowly. She squeezes my hand again before sitting back in her chair.

“I guess I’ve been unhappy out here because it reminds me that my brother felt trapped here. That he was bullied for being different, and those people were never held accountable for what they put him through. We don’t know who hurt him, so I’ve had trouble trusting anyone around here. And…” I swallow hard. “I think a part of me resents Sam for what he did because then Dad expected me to leave Brisbane and come out here to work for him instead of Sam,” I whisper.

It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted these words out loud, and I feel sick.

Bri gets up and walks around to my side of the table, sitting sideways in my lap and wrapping her arms around me.

“That is all so much to burden yourself with, Jake. I’m sorry you haven’t felt like you could speak to anyone about this. But your feelings are valid, and I understand why you’ve struggled with this. I’m here for you, okay?” She pulls back to look at me.

I squeeze her gently. “Thanks, Bri. I’m glad I told you.”

Eventually, the waitress returns with our drinks, and Bri returns to her seat while we order our meals.

The rest of the evening passes while we discuss less heavy subjects, and when I fall asleep with her in my arms later that night, I’m more grateful than ever to have her in my life.

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