The Winning Ticket (Circle of Friends #1)

37. Done Enough Damage

brIANNA

37

I spent the rest of Sunday in a ball on the couch, consuming all the bad food I had in the apartment and repeatedly replaying the entire interaction with Jake. By the time I collapsed into bed around midnight, I was a complete wreck and questioning every decision I’d ever made in my life.

I’d broken Jake’s heart because I was too scared to let anyone in again, and I’d made him think I believed he was capable of destroying my self-worth as Richard had done. I was the worst, proving that I didn’t deserve him. He needs someone who truly appreciates how perfect he is, not some broken girl from his past.

Weeks ago, I put in a leave request for Monday, thinking I’d be lying in bed with Jake all day after a massive weekend. So that leaves me more free time to overanalyse myself and stare at my phone, wishing Jake would message me and resisting the urge to call him to beg him to come back.

Instead, my blank phone screen stares back at me, taunting me with the lack of communication. I’d become so used to hearing from Jake in one form or another regularly that I feel like I’ve lost a limb without hearing from him now. Not even a text to say he’d made it home okay, which he’d started doing even before we’d fallen into bed together. He’d said he was giving me space, but the radio silence made this feel final. He’d said our friendship would survive even if we stopped having sex, but I’m not sure I believe him. Or if I can even go back to just being friends. Not when my body is screaming out just to be held by him right now.

“Enough!” I say aloud, startling Maddie, who is curled up between my legs while I lie in bed.

She jumps up and stares at me, her little doggy face showing her confusion about why I chose to wake her by talking to myself.

“Sorry, munchkin.” I sit up and scratch her behind the ears before finally leaving the bed for the first time, even though it’s past midday.

I’m usually an early riser, and even after my break up with Richard, I’d never lain in bed feeling sorry for myself, so I know this is hitting me harder than I am ready to admit to myself.

I decide to go for a walk to clear my head. Changing into my activewear, I attach Maddie’s lead and head towards the river. At the same time, I listen to what I’ve come to call my Jake Playlist, aware that this probably won’t help me feel any better, but unable to resist listening to all the songs that remind me of him.

Just as I’m mentally berating myself for continuing to wallow, my music is cut off, and the sound of my ringtone fills my ears. I push aside the disappointment when I see that it’s an unsaved number calling, knowing full well I’d hoped it was Jake, and answer the call while I continue walking.

“Hi, is this Brianna Watkins?” The official tone of the woman’s voice on the other end of the phone gives me pause, and I move to the side of the path before stopping.

“Yes,” I say hesitantly, watching Maddie sit beside my foot before looking up at me expectantly.

“This is Chantelle from Visit Queensland. Have I caught you at a bad time?”

I resist the urge to let out a little squeal. In all my wallowing, I’d forgotten about the job I’d applied for.

“No, now’s fine. Thank you for calling.”

“I’m just looking at your application and am very interested in interviewing you. Would you be available this week to come in and have a chat?”

I punch the air and do a little dance, earning me a concerned look from the older woman jogging past, and she gives me a wide berth.

“That would be great. I can make myself available whenever it suits you.”

“Okay, great! How about Wednesday at four? I’ll send you an email with all the details.”

We say our goodbyes, and I let out the squeal I was holding in. Maddie starts dancing excitedly around my feet, and I pick her up to hug her close. I immediately pull Jake’s number up on my phone and am just about to call him when everything comes flooding back. Then, my excitement subsides. The fact that he’s the first person I want to tell should be clue enough that my feelings for him are far stronger than I’m willing to admit, but the knowledge that I am just going to hurt him, in the long run, stops me from letting that thought go any further.

Resolving to focus entirely on this interview, I continue walking, pushing aside the voice in the back of my mind, telling me I’m a coward. The voice sounds strongly like Jake’s.

When I arrive home, I’m surprised to see my sister sitting in my living room.

“Hi… What are you doing here?” I ask, pulling my headphones out and putting them back in their case while I survey the nervous-looking blonde woman sitting before me.

Maddie leaps into Morgan’s lap and demands attention. Morgan roughs Maddie up a little, keeping her eyes on the little dog instead of meeting my curious gaze. I’ve been avoiding her calls and messages since yesterday morning, but she doesn’t seem mad at me, which immediately throws me off balance.

“I came to check on you.”

I stiffen a little, instantly going on alert when I hear the concern in her voice. “Why do you need to check on me?” I ask, trying to sound like everything is fine.

Morgan is quiet for a moment before finally looking at me. “Jake stopped by on his way out of town yesterday.” There was no avoiding the worried look on her face.

“Oh.”

“Yeah… Oh.”

“So, have you come to tell me you knew this would happen, and what a bitch I am?” I ask, unable to hide the bitterness from my voice.

“No. I came to see if you were okay. And to apologise.”

Well, I expected this conversation to go differently. “Come again?”

Morgan sighs and shakes her head. “I guess I deserved that.”

I continue to look at her while so many questions swirl around in my head. “What are you apologising for? I’m the one who fucked up.”

“No, you didn’t. If I’d kept my opinions to myself and hadn’t basically told you that Jake was too good for you, then you wouldn’t be feeling like you don’t deserve him.”

The silence in the room that follows her statement is deafening. I stare at her for the longest time, processing what she’d said.

“I didn’t say I don’t deserve him.”

Morgan fixes me with a knowing look, pursing her lips while she shakes her head. “From what Jake said yesterday, you might not have said it aloud, but he knows that’s what you feel. He’s intuitive like that. And I know that is my fault. Although, I also blame our parents. Have you ever noticed that in all your attempts to not be like Mum, you’ve become Dad instead? You are scared to go after what you want because you’re worried about what others will think of you, and that’s not healthy.”

I don’t reply, overwhelmed by the little voice in my head saying Jake really is better off without me in his life, that I’ve just made his life worse since I’ve been here.

“If I hadn’t given you a hard time about Jake, you wouldn’t be pushing him away right now. He’s your person, Bri. I could see it as plain as day on Saturday with the way he stood up to Chris and me. And if I’m honest, I’ve known it for a while. Even before I knew you were together, I could see how in tune you were to each other. I haven’t seen Jake this comfortable for years, and you gravitate towards each other even when you don’t realise it.”

I let out an unsteady breath and shake my head.

“All I’ve done since I came back into his life is complicate it. He deserves someone who can be with him without questioning everything between them. Without the baggage I come with.”

“Bri, that person doesn’t exist. We all have baggage. God, Jake isn’t perfect. I know how much he resents his life as it is, but he won’t deal with that. But I could see how much happier he has been since you came back, Bri. I know you think you’ve complicated his life, but did you ever think that was what he needed to realise what he finally wants?” Morgan’s eyes light up with determination, and she balls her hands into fists as though resisting the urge to shake me.

“And what does he want, Morgan? If you know everything, tell me that.”

“You mean, besides you, you idiot? He wants to feel at home out in Stanthorpe, but he won’t ever feel that way because what he wants is here. He wants you, and he wants Stanthorpe. And I know, for a fact, that you would have loved it out there. This apartment is the life you used to have, but his life out there is the sort of life you always wanted for yourself. You were never the big city girl that Richard made you into. So before you destroy everything because you think you don’t deserve him, consider whether he deserves the happiness he will have with you.”

I have no words to respond to her little rant, so I just stare at her. She shakes her head, gets to her feet, and puts Maddie on the ground.

“We promised Jake we’d stay out of your relationship. That’s what he called it, by the way. He very pointedly told us it was a relationship. So, although I’m sure you think you’re doing the right thing by letting him go, just let that sink in for a bit. It was never about hooking up for him. And I’m pretty sure it was never about that for you, either. This is the last thing I’ll say about it all because I know I’ve done enough damage, but you need to do some serious thinking. Don’t let the right one get away because the wrong one broke something inside you.” Morgan closes the distance between us and wraps me in a hug, surprising me, and I hesitate for a moment before hugging her back.

My mind is whirling with everything she said, but I have no idea how to express my feelings.

When she pulls away, I give her a shaky smile. “Are you ready for Saturday?”

“More than ready. I can’t wait to marry that man.” She gives me a big smile before leaving me alone with her words rattling around in my head.