The WINO Next Door: Wife In Name Only

Prologue

I wanted to be the first to tell the story because I know for a fact if she does it, I’m going to look like the bad guy. And I’m not. I’M NOT! I’ll admit I married my quirky little neighbor for purely mercenary purposes, but she knew going into it what she was getting.

It was in no way my fault things went sideways. Did she say it was my fault? Because it wasn’t. IT WASN’T!

I’m not getting upset, it’s just…she does this to me. She makes me crazy. She looks cute and innocent, but you have no idea, none whatsoever, the insanity I’ve had to overcome in order to be here today.

The problem is that I don’t know the best place to start. The beginning of our marriage? The first day we met? Her first day on earth? How far into history do I need to go to try and explain? It’s like trying to look at the sky and pinpoint where the tornado began.

Give me a minute to get my thoughts together. In the meantime, do not listen to a word she says. NOT A WORD. It’s like looking into Medusa’s eyes, except instead of getting turned into stone, you’ll become crazy. Trust me. I know.

W ait, he said that? He actually said those words? Would you care for some candy? Try this, it will change your life. Anyway, you can clearly understand the problem here was him. People that regimented are always secretly serial killers. No, I’m not saying I think he’s actually killed someone. But there’s a lot I don’t know about him, I’ll leave it that way. I mean, he doesn’t have a basement, but the bodies have to be buried somewhere, am I right? If you take these cuffs off, I can arrange a proper plate for you. No? At least sip water between to cleanse your palate. Eat that one first, then that one. Like a party in your mouth. Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

I am not insane.